Nymphs
Well-Known Member
It is that simple, why don't you treat it as such.
Not at all. Swinging is swinging, not polyamory.
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Polyamory or Monogamy?
- Thread starter Nymphs
- Start date
It is that simple, why don't you treat it as such.
Not at all. Swinging is swinging, not polyamory.
Gehennaite
Active Member
I'm celibate, but if I had to choose between poly or mono I'd definitely choose mono.
Having more than one sexual partner would be divisive to my conscience. I have a firm grip on my sexuality and know my interests quite well. I know for a fact that I could not possibly love multiple partners equally.
I would end up favoring one over another and that type of social inequality would be entirely unacceptable for me to advocate onto myself or to others. I want to be someone's soul mate, not someone's primary or secondary as "poly" people refer to it.
Having more than one sexual partner would be divisive to my conscience. I have a firm grip on my sexuality and know my interests quite well. I know for a fact that I could not possibly love multiple partners equally.
I would end up favoring one over another and that type of social inequality would be entirely unacceptable for me to advocate onto myself or to others. I want to be someone's soul mate, not someone's primary or secondary as "poly" people refer to it.
Alceste
Vagabond
That's great. Knowing what you want and being willing and able to communicate it clearly is half the battle. I wish you the very best of luck.
Nymphs
Well-Known Member
In no relationship (poly or mono) can one partner fulfill everything for the other. It just isn't possible. There is always going to be compromise and things that are left out. Polyamorous relationship don't 'have' to fill the 'gaps' with other people, but they choose to because it enriches and betters their lives.
Monogamous people don't necessarily fill those gaps either -- look how many unhappy mono marriages there is.
Nymphs
Well-Known Member
Nymphs
Well-Known Member
Unfortunately many people do that. I've had that happen in my personal life as well.
Nymphs
Well-Known Member
I don't refer to my husband as my primary. I refer to him as my husband.
And he doesn't refer to his girlfriend as a secondary, but his girlfriend.
Nymphs
Well-Known Member
It does if those partners are being irresponsible -- whether monogamous or polyamorous.
Why isn't it needed?
Pardon?
Actually, it does. Because in order to be open to a relationship that is more complicated than a typical mono, you need to communicate clearly, openly and honestly. That takes a lot of work and practice.
Really? Consider the following:
Lol, I am done here, some of you are impossible.
No one is attacking you personally. :no:
I voted other because various people seem inclined towards either polyamory or monogamy.
Even monogamy for humans is usually serial monogamy, where people have one lover at a time but several over that lifetime. And then often people desire sex with someone else or being dissatisfied with the current partner and end up cheating, so they were committing to monogamy but then not practicing it.
I prefer monogamy. Polyamory seems exhausting. But to each her own. Love as thou wilt, and all that.
Even monogamy for humans is usually serial monogamy, where people have one lover at a time but several over that lifetime. And then often people desire sex with someone else or being dissatisfied with the current partner and end up cheating, so they were committing to monogamy but then not practicing it.
I prefer monogamy. Polyamory seems exhausting. But to each her own. Love as thou wilt, and all that.
Drolefille
PolyPanGeekGirl
I go away for one weekend...
A couple of things to address:
1. No poly person I know has the time or energy to date 15 people. It's a pretty ridiculous hyperbole. I know people who might have what they call "sweethearts" who are perhaps ex-lovers that they're still friends with and may or may not occasionally rekindle something with but who they do not have an ongoing relationship with because of whatever variety of reasons. I still don't know anyone who has fifteen of those.
The limiting factor in monogamy is typically love or commitment. The limiting factor in polyamory may be commitment, but it is very often time/energy. I could love more people than I'm dating but finding the time for them isn't necessarily in the cards.
2. There are very few people who are completely monogamous - one partner and one only throughout their lives. Even in those monogamous relationships, people have plenty of other people in their lives. Poly people just find themselves capable of loving some of those friends, coworkers, etc also.
3. A good comparison is that just as I can have more than 2 kids or more than 2 friends and still love them (and I do love my friends, I'm just rarely in love with them.) equally and for different but similar reasons, I can love my partners equally.
4. The reason why communication keeps coming up is that successful polyamory absolutely requires increased open and honest communication from the typical monogamous relationship. I've been in both types of relationship and the difference is striking. It means speaking up over even the little things and knowing that your partner won't think you're being petty and nagging. People who aren't successful in poly rarely remain in poly. Either they can no longer find poly people who want to date them because they're known for not being honest or not communicating, or they give up because "poly doesn't work."
So all the people going on and on about "magic" poly people miss the point. It's self selecting. If you don't follow the rules, you quit.
5. Even naturally polyamorous (People who see it as an identity they were born with not just a relationship style) people can choose to be monogamous. It is a choice I would make for my primary boyfriend if he needed it from me. It's a choice he doesn't ask of me, because he knows that it would be as hard on me as my polyamory is on him.
6. If being loved and loving others is "decadent" or "hedonistic" I don't really know what to say to the person thinking that. If I made every decision out of pleasure only, I wouldn't be poly, I'd be single or mono and a cheater. It's way easier. It does feel pretty awesome to be loved and to know it, but you can have that feeling in any relationship style. If that is decadence then asceticism would be isolation.
7. To come into this thread and lecture on STIs is similarly baffling, STIs were not the topic of the thread and would have little to no bearing on which is more "natural". Poly people are aware of STD risks and again, this is a self-selecting phenomenon. Individuals who are NOT on top of their STD tests, who do NOT use condoms or other barriers when that is a relationship rule. Those people don't last in the poly community because they are untrustworthy.
8. Poly people are not perfect, there are liars, there are cheaters and there are people who come to poly to get their own rocks off rather than to actually be in a relationship with other people. However, as I stated before, the community is pretty good at recognizing those individuals. I was just talking the other day with my other boyfriend about a lady he was interested in dating an how her "don't ask/don't tell" attitude is a problem for him because it feels dishonest. He's understandably wary about pursuing anything with her. But no polyamorous people claimed they were perfect in this thread. The only people making these claims were people mocking polyamory.
9. My boyfriend is not my "primary" nor is my other boyfriend my "secondary." They're usually just "Name" and "Name" but I choose not to disclose their info on the internet, so "BF" and "Other BF" works just fine. Currently my poly relationship is however more hierarchical than I prefer, but that's a function of working through things with a monogamous BF. I simply think that soul mates aren't limited to one person. I describe people as resonating with me, as if you pluck a note on their harp and I can feel it within me, and vice-versa. We fit well together.
A couple of things to address:
1. No poly person I know has the time or energy to date 15 people. It's a pretty ridiculous hyperbole. I know people who might have what they call "sweethearts" who are perhaps ex-lovers that they're still friends with and may or may not occasionally rekindle something with but who they do not have an ongoing relationship with because of whatever variety of reasons. I still don't know anyone who has fifteen of those.
The limiting factor in monogamy is typically love or commitment. The limiting factor in polyamory may be commitment, but it is very often time/energy. I could love more people than I'm dating but finding the time for them isn't necessarily in the cards.
2. There are very few people who are completely monogamous - one partner and one only throughout their lives. Even in those monogamous relationships, people have plenty of other people in their lives. Poly people just find themselves capable of loving some of those friends, coworkers, etc also.
3. A good comparison is that just as I can have more than 2 kids or more than 2 friends and still love them (and I do love my friends, I'm just rarely in love with them.) equally and for different but similar reasons, I can love my partners equally.
4. The reason why communication keeps coming up is that successful polyamory absolutely requires increased open and honest communication from the typical monogamous relationship. I've been in both types of relationship and the difference is striking. It means speaking up over even the little things and knowing that your partner won't think you're being petty and nagging. People who aren't successful in poly rarely remain in poly. Either they can no longer find poly people who want to date them because they're known for not being honest or not communicating, or they give up because "poly doesn't work."
So all the people going on and on about "magic" poly people miss the point. It's self selecting. If you don't follow the rules, you quit.
5. Even naturally polyamorous (People who see it as an identity they were born with not just a relationship style) people can choose to be monogamous. It is a choice I would make for my primary boyfriend if he needed it from me. It's a choice he doesn't ask of me, because he knows that it would be as hard on me as my polyamory is on him.
6. If being loved and loving others is "decadent" or "hedonistic" I don't really know what to say to the person thinking that. If I made every decision out of pleasure only, I wouldn't be poly, I'd be single or mono and a cheater. It's way easier. It does feel pretty awesome to be loved and to know it, but you can have that feeling in any relationship style. If that is decadence then asceticism would be isolation.
7. To come into this thread and lecture on STIs is similarly baffling, STIs were not the topic of the thread and would have little to no bearing on which is more "natural". Poly people are aware of STD risks and again, this is a self-selecting phenomenon. Individuals who are NOT on top of their STD tests, who do NOT use condoms or other barriers when that is a relationship rule. Those people don't last in the poly community because they are untrustworthy.
8. Poly people are not perfect, there are liars, there are cheaters and there are people who come to poly to get their own rocks off rather than to actually be in a relationship with other people. However, as I stated before, the community is pretty good at recognizing those individuals. I was just talking the other day with my other boyfriend about a lady he was interested in dating an how her "don't ask/don't tell" attitude is a problem for him because it feels dishonest. He's understandably wary about pursuing anything with her. But no polyamorous people claimed they were perfect in this thread. The only people making these claims were people mocking polyamory.
9. My boyfriend is not my "primary" nor is my other boyfriend my "secondary." They're usually just "Name" and "Name" but I choose not to disclose their info on the internet, so "BF" and "Other BF" works just fine. Currently my poly relationship is however more hierarchical than I prefer, but that's a function of working through things with a monogamous BF. I simply think that soul mates aren't limited to one person. I describe people as resonating with me, as if you pluck a note on their harp and I can feel it within me, and vice-versa. We fit well together.
Nymphs
Well-Known Member
AgnosticBoy
Member
IF we were living off of instincts alone then non-monogaous behavior would be more natural. There is ample evidence that animals engage in non-monogaous behaviors, e.g. lions, apes, bonobos, etc. Then again there's some evidence of non-monogamous behavior in humans as well and likely UNDERestimated because of the consequences - behavior like cheating, fantasizing/lusting, watching porn, swinging shows that humans not only think about other women/men while already in a relationship, but plenty times they act on it. If we were completely hard-wired for monogamy then I wouldn't be find any other woman sexually attractive (a good body, nice hair, etc). I find that I have to actively choose to remain devoted just to my girlfriend. I do that out of love and honesty which is what my girlfriend expects. It's not because it's not within my abilities to do otherwise.
What do you mean by "more natural"? Do you mean more common? It really depends on the species you're looking at.
AgnosticBoy
Member
By natural, I meant instinctual. I know that's probably not the best definition since it doesn't factor in societal standards and choice, but in my view society and choice can suppress our natural tendencies. I believe such is the case when it comes to non-monogamous behavior.
Drolefille
PolyPanGeekGirl
There's no real definitive indication about sexual monogamy/polygamy when it comes to evolution of humans. We just don't KNOW how proto-humans interacted sexually and once "socially" becomes a concept for homo sapiens we now have the complicated level of doing what is "natural" (so loaded I know) and what is socially desirable. Despite Sex at Dawn there just really isn't an answer to the question because evolutionary psychology can't prove anything.
There are too many people who are completely monogamous for me to believe that all humans are "naturally" one way or another.
AgnosticBoy
Member
Hi Drolefille. You raise some good points. The only thing is that i define behavior to include thoughts, desires, even if not acted on. When you say 'completely' monogamous, I'm a bit skeptical to believe that anyone would be monogamous even down to the level of their thoughts and desires, despite if they act on it or not. I'd want to ask that person if they ever been attracted to another woman or man or to even test if they'd be aroused by hooking them up to electrodes to measure skin conductance. It is no secret that people, especially women tend to give a more stretched 'conservative' estimate up to lying (Bill Clinton, pastors, the common person) about their sexual behavior to avoid shame, consequences, etc.
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samosasauce
Active Member
Porque no los dos?
CynthiaCypher
Well-Known Member
Because some people believe that there can only be one way of doing things.
samosasauce
Active Member
I'm glad I'm not one of those people then