RE: My husband loves both of his daughters a lot, but he isn't their father. Should I tell him?

[Thanda]

From Quora

I am love married for 15 years now and living happily with my husband and two daughters 14 & 13 years old.
He is not their real father and he is not aware of that.
From my college days when I was dating him, I used to have casual sex with guys around.
Please don't ask me about counts.
After marrige I became a housewife and was less social.
But this didn't change me.
I still get to meet guys when my husband was out which included his cousin,friends,laundry man, neighbours etc.
So in short I did it with multiple guys.
And I have no regrets,I still do it but less frequently.

When my daughters where 5 & 6 I got their dna tested and as expected came to know he isn't their father.
He is a good man though, but I feel if I tell him,he will leave me, and that will affect my daughters life financially.
So what should I do ?​

Please discuss.

For myself I am out of words for now.

 

[Quetzal]

So, she is a serial cheater and is worried that he might leave her? Her moral compass and selfish ambition of physical pleasure is way out of whack. Further, she feels no regrets?! So, yes, she should tell him. She should also tell him of her extracurricular activities. This man deserves better.

 

[Nyingjé Tso]

Vanakkam,

I agree with Quetzal here.
This woman is completely selfish... Not toward her husband, but also to her childrens.
Yes she should tell this poor guy, and he should leave her.
But the children ?
How is she going to tell them ?
Does she imagine what psychological impact it can have on them ?
Does she realizes that she can basically ruin their lives ?

And all she worries is that her husband discover her lies and dishonesty and leave her away from her own little comfortable life and situation.

They (husband and children) deserve way better indeed.

Aum Namah Shivaya

 

[Quintessence]

Important questions to ask:

• What is a "real" father? [In Quintessence's opinion, it has little if anything to do with heredity]
• Are they in an open relationship?
• What is best for the children? [In Quintessence's opinion, not rocking the boat at this time is more than likely best; wait until they're 18+ and no longer dependents]
• What medical considerations may be important given the paternal lineage?

 

[Shadow Wolf]

If she thinks him leaving will only effect her daughters financially, she is woefully and painfully oblivious to her daughter's emotional needs.

 

[YmirGF]

Gee, basing love on a lie. Hmm, what could possibly go wrong with that, eh?
Everyone involved deserves to know the truth, but since it has gone on for this long, I'd be inclined to carry on the charade for a few more years until the kids were adults. Then sit everyone down and spill the beans.... then duck and cover... as it will not go well.

 

[Kilgore Trout]

Telling him would just be one more selfish act on top of countless other ones.

 

[YmirGF]

Telling him would just be one more selfish act on top of countless other ones.

How so?

 

[Kilgore Trout]

How so?

The news would devastate both her husband and her daughters. Their lives and family would be altered forever in ways that couldn't even be predicted.

If she wants to do something for them, she should stop sleeping around and take it with her to the grave.

Telling the truth, in this case (as it is in many cases), serves no one except her own sense of guilt.

 

[Parchment]

The joke used to be the milkman, now the laundry man? sign of the times I guess. I can't help but think if she wasn't busy doing the funky monkey with all those other guys maybe she could get some laundry done herself and save them some money..... geez

 

[YmirGF]

The news would devastate both her husband and her daughters. Their lives and family would be altered forever in ways that couldn't even be predicted.

If she wants to do something for them, she should stop sleeping around and take it with her to the grave.

Telling the truth, in this case (as it is in many cases), serves no one except her own sense of guilt.

So..... ..... you don't think that the victims in this saga have any right to the truth?

 

[Kilgore Trout]

So..... ..... you don't think that the victims in this saga have any right to the truth?

Do you think the "right" to truth outweighs all other concerns and benefits?

 

[jonathan180iq]

The joke used to be the milkman, now the laundry man? sign of the times I guess. I can't help but think if she wasn't busy doing the funky monkey with all those other guys maybe she could get some laundry done herself and save them some money..... geez

The laundryman was actually the part that made me question the validity of this story. There's no possible way that she's been that promiscuous with that many closely related people and her husband be completely oblivious. I just don't buy it.

If it's true, she's already kept this supposed secret for 10 years. Time to put it to bed.

 

[jonathan180iq]

The news would devastate both her husband and her daughters. Their lives and family would be altered forever in ways that couldn't even be predicted.

If she wants to do something for them, she should stop sleeping around and take it with her to the grave.

Telling the truth, in this case (as it is in many cases), serves no one except her own sense of guilt.

I have to agree. What possible good can come from revealing the truth of the situation to a man who has been dutifully caring for those girls since their birth?

 

[YmirGF]

Do you think the "right" to truth outweighs all other concerns and benefits?

In a case like this, absolutely, yes. The woman has cheated life and now enjoys a life built on a pile of lies. She could just pretend it all away and deal with her sordid past on her own, but she is not being true to those she claims to love. My thinking is wait till the kids are grown up and then sit everyone down and let the whole mess out. Adults might behave and react with some semblance of reason. Then again, things could go very badly. Overall the end result might give the woman some solace and her family might just forgive her. They deserve the chance to decide for themselves.

 

[A Vestigial Mote]

If she thinks him leaving will only effect her daughters financially, she is woefully and painfully oblivious to her daughter's emotional needs.

I was about to try and answer something similar myself - but couldn't have said it better for sure.

It would seem to also speak volumes about a disconnect she herself has with emotional ties to loved ones. Perhaps the reason she can so readily cheat on her husband, knowing it would hurt him, and the reason she only considers her daughters' financial comfort when proposing the dissolution of her marriage.

 

[Shadow Wolf]

The laundryman was actually the part that made me question the validity of this story. There's no possible way that she's been that promiscuous with that many closely related people and her husband be completely oblivious. I just don't buy it.

If it's true, she's already kept this supposed secret for 10 years. Time to put it to bed.

I also have some suspicions with this story. For one, I would hope no one who is seriously concerned with and wanting to ameliorate such a major and massive problem would turn to Quora. And the "I did it with so many guys.....oh my god I made a mistake....it didn't change me....I was a bad person.....I have no regrets....what am I going to do?" If it is real, she needs to seriously work on herself and sort her own feelings out way before she even considers telling her family,

 

[MD]

Sounds like a troll, hard to say.

 

[Kilgore Trout]

I certainly wouldn't take the story at face value (like most things presented by most people online). However, it does likely resemble actual situations. So, as a hypothetical scenario, it is interesting to see people's opinions and perspectives.

 

[Laika]

From Quora

I am love married for 15 years now and living happily with my husband and two daughters 14 & 13 years old.
He is not their real father and he is not aware of that.
From my college days when I was dating him, I used to have casual sex with guys around.
Please don't ask me about counts.
After marrige I became a housewife and was less social.
But this didn't change me.
I still get to meet guys when my husband was out which included his cousin,friends,laundry man, neighbours etc.
So in short I did it with multiple guys.
And I have no regrets,I still do it but less frequently.

When my daughters where 5 & 6 I got their dna tested and as expected came to know he isn't their father.
He is a good man though, but I feel if I tell him,he will leave me, and that will affect my daughters life financially.
So what should I do ?​

Please discuss.

For myself I am out of words for now.

Tell him. Marriage and the insistence on monogamy is a ******** institution that runs contary to our sexual desires and behaviour.

If the husband/dad turns round and stops loving the kids, it means he values the illusion of commitment above the reality of bringing up kids for 15 years. I.e. He didn't really love them for who they are, only as an extension of himself. Is that really what you'd want for a father or a husband?

If the marriage is built on him turning his wife into a domestic utility (i.e. Housewife and mother) he's not going to want his wife to be "free" and again, doesn't love her for who she is.

Of course I can say that- because its not my life.

The interesting thing is why she had to take the DNA test in the first place if she already knew it was possible. Reading into it, she wanted the marriage to be a lie because she felt guilty for her sexual encounters. Knowing that was a liberation somehow. If she knew for ten years and didn't say- what changed? There are other factors at work here.