RE: My husband loves both of his daughters a lot, but he isn't their father. Should I tell him?

[Thanda]

Tell him. Marriage and the insistence on monogamy is a ******** institution that runs contary to our sexual desires and behaviour.

If the husband/dad turns round and stops loving the kids, it means he values the illusion of commitment above the reality of bringing up kids for 15 years. I.e. He didn't really love them for who they are, only as an extension of himself. Is that really what you'd want for a father or a husband?

If the marriage is built on him turning his wife into a domestic utility (i.e. Housewife and mother) he's not going to want his wife to be "free" and again, doesn't love her for who she is.

Of course I can say that- because its not my life.

The interesting thing is why she had to take the DNA test in the first place if she already knew it was possible. Reading into it, she wanted the marriage to be a lie because she felt guilty for her sexual encounters. Knowing that was a liberation somehow. If she knew for ten years and didn't say- what changed? There are other factors at work here.

All I can say is well done for finding a way to make the husband the bad guy.

 

[Laika]

All I can say is well done for finding a way to make the husband the bad guy.

He's only the bad guy if he loves the illusion more than the reality.

 

[Thanda]

He's only the bad guy if he loves the illusion more than the reality.

Which illusion? That the two girls living in his home are his biological children?

 

[Laika]

Which illusion? That the two girls living in his home are his biological children?

Yes. And that his wife is "loyal" to him.

Doesn't he deserve to know so that he can choose what he really wants?

 

[Godobeyer]

From Quora

I am love married for 15 years now and living happily with my husband and two daughters 14 & 13 years old.
He is not their real father and he is not aware of that.
From my college days when I was dating him, I used to have casual sex with guys around.
Please don't ask me about counts.
After marrige I became a housewife and was less social.
But this didn't change me.
I still get to meet guys when my husband was out which included his cousin,friends,laundry man, neighbours etc.
So in short I did it with multiple guys.
And I have no regrets,I still do it but less frequently.

When my daughters where 5 & 6 I got their dna tested and as expected came to know he isn't their father.
He is a good man though, but I feel if I tell him,he will leave me, and that will affect my daughters life financially.
So what should I do ?​

Please discuss.

For myself I am out of words for now.

This the worst moment maybe man can be face in entire his life !

I prefer to die than I heard that news.

 

[Mari]

Go to the Dr Phil show..

 

[LuisDantas]

Assuming the story to be legit (and that is not a given), of course he has a right to know.

I wish people did not call biological parenthood "real", though. Real parenthood is literally only linked to biological fact by accident.

 

[lewisnotmiller]

Do you think the "right" to truth outweighs all other concerns and benefits?

Yes. The husband and the daughters deserve full disclosure. What they do with that information is for them.

As things stand, particularly with ongoing behaviour from her, she's forcing an ongoing lie on them all. I'm not a fan of comfortable lies over uncomfortable truths.

Let's face it, though, she's not going to tell them. 50/50 they work it out at some point in the future and it poisons their family.

A lie put them in this place, and a lie keeps them there.

 

[lewisnotmiller]

Assuming the story to be legit (and that is not a given), of course he has a right to know.

I wish people did not call biological parenthood "real", though. Real parenthood is literally only linked to biological fact by accident.

It's real in one (limited) sense, but it's certainly not what makes a mother or father, I completely agree.

 

[lewisnotmiller]

Tell him. Marriage and the insistence on monogamy is a ******** institution that runs contary to our sexual desires and behaviour.

If the husband/dad turns round and stops loving the kids, it means he values the illusion of commitment above the reality of bringing up kids for 15 years. I.e. He didn't really love them for who they are, only as an extension of himself. Is that really what you'd want for a father or a husband?

If the marriage is built on him turning his wife into a domestic utility (i.e. Housewife and mother) he's not going to want his wife to be "free" and again, doesn't love her for who she is.

Of course I can say that- because its not my life.

The interesting thing is why she had to take the DNA test in the first place if she already knew it was possible. Reading into it, she wanted the marriage to be a lie because she felt guilty for her sexual encounters. Knowing that was a liberation somehow. If she knew for ten years and didn't say- what changed? There are other factors at work here.

Phht. You don't want to make a promise to someone, don't. The issue isn't promiscuity, it's lying to the person you supposedly love. Find a partner that wants the same things out of life as you.

Anything less is supremely disrespectful, and completely self-serving.

 

[Laika]

Phht. You don't want to make a promise to someone, don't. The issue isn't promiscuity, it's lying to the person you supposedly love. Find a partner that wants the same things out of life as you.

Anything less is supremely disrespectful, and completely self-serving.

The issue is promiscuity because thats what you have to lie about. They aren't seperate. If society compells us to fit into a monogomous relationship that is contary to actual human behaviour- the fault is in the concept and institution of marriage, not the person who sleeps with someone outside it.

If you love someone shouldn't that mean you love someone for who they are- even if they are promiscuous?

 

[Terrywoodenpic]

I don't believe the scenario at all.
Why would some one with that record have DNA tests done.?
I could understand him having them done but not her.
If she was so continuously unfaithful he would have found out long ago.
The story was made up for arguments sake.

 

[lewisnotmiller]

The issue is promiscuity because thats what you have to lie about. They aren't seperate. If society compells us to fit into a monogomous relationship that is contary to actual human behaviour- the fault is in the concept and institution of marriage, not the person who sleeps with someone outside it.

If you love someone shouldn't that mean you love someone for who they are- even if they are promiscuous?

I dont like to deal with 'shoulds' in terms of relationships. I too often hear;

People should be straight.
People should be virgins when married.
People should be married before kids.

This feels like another 'should' to me. It's much simpler than that. Give your partner or partners the ability to love you for you by not lying to them. If you can't respect them to that degree, and don't respect your own choices enough to be honest about them with the person or persons you love the most, then it's a sham.

I could care less how people choose to live. It's their business.

 

[Laika]

I dont like to deal with 'shoulds' in terms of relationships. I too often hear;

People should be straight.
People should be virgins when married.
People should be married before kids.

This feels like another 'should' to me. It's much simpler than that. Give your partner or partners the ability to love you for you by not lying to them. If you can't respect them to that degree, and don't respect your own choices enough to be honest about them with the person or persons you love the most, then it's a sham.

I could care less how people choose to live. It's their business.

Fair enough. I think we're basically in agreement in practical terms.

 

[lewisnotmiller]

Fair enough. I think we're basically in agreement in practical terms.

I suspect we'd be fine with each other.
*nods*

 

[Laika]

I suspect we'd be fine with each other.
*nods*

We're both dudes and I'm ok with that.

 

[lewisnotmiller]

We're both dudes and I'm ok with that.

*laughs*

In seriousness, I confuse people RL sometimes in terms of social views. I personally live fairly traditionally/conservatively, but my views aren't traditional or conservative. I wish people just had the freedom to live free of crappy social conventions.

 

[Laika]

*laughs*

In seriousness, I confuse people RL sometimes in terms of social views. I personally live fairly traditionally/conservatively, but my views aren't traditional or conservative. I wish people just had the freedom to live free of crappy social conventions.

sounds good to me. There's often reason behind traditional and conservative views that can't ignored as part of learning the mistakes from the past. On paper, I'm for free love but have actually never done it (I'm still a virgin). Its a view I'd revise if I did it and found emotionally difficult but there certianly shouldnt be any limits on me trying. Navigating social conventions is hard though, particuarly over such an intimate subject as sex. Even when just discussing it, it stirs passions.

 

[lewisnotmiller]

sounds good to me. There's often reason behind traditional and conservative views that can't ignored as part of learning the mistakes from the past. On paper, I'm for free love but have actually never done it (I'm still a virgin). Its a view I'd revise if I did it and found emotionally difficult but there certianly shouldnt be any limits on me trying. Navigating social conventions is hard though, particuarly over such an intimate subject as sex. Even when just discussing it, it stirs passions.

Pretty much.
The whole free love thing wouldn't work for me. I could happily live alone, and I am happy with my wife and children. But life is kinda messy and busy enough as it is without a whole other layer of crap to deal with.

 

[columbus]

Pretty much.
The whole free love thing wouldn't work for me. I could happily live alone, and I am happy with my wife and children. But life is kinda messy and busy enough as it is without a whole other layer of crap to deal with.

Without getting in to smells and tastes from my personal, checkered, past I can say this much. I've tried both and have seen a lot. There are a mountain of reasons why a simple monogamous relationship tends to work out much better in the long run.
I am not the prude I am because I am afraid of freedom. I am a prude because I have seen results of behavior patterns up close and personal. I can see for myself which work better than others, usually.
Tom