Seeking a spiritual mentor

[Jim]

I need guidance.

How did that thought come to you, to say that you need guidance? Can you explain some of your thoughts and feelings behind that? Is it anything more than just people listening to you and giving you ideas?

 

[Karolina]

How did that thought come to you, to say that you need guidance? Can you explain some of your thoughts and feelings behind that? Is it anything more than just people listening to you and giving you ideas?

I'm used to Catholic spiritual guides, who would provide feedback as to my insights and suggest if they were "in line with" Catholic teaching. When I was trying to fit in, this was welcomed. Now, of course, the last thing I need is someone expressing concern for my salvation. But I also don't like the idea of thinking I've got it all figured out. It's always nice to hear an alternative interpretation. For instance, dream interpretation used to be important to me before I tried to be a "gung-ho Christian", and I was made to feel anything of the sort was "of the devil" (in spite of God repeatedly communicating with people in the Bible). Now that I'm free of that limitation, it'd be nice to talk openly about dreams, as an example.

I guess I don't really need an individual guru per se, though maybe it would be nice to have someone suggest different spiritual practices to try, based on my interests. I'm interested in meditation and yoga, for instance. But I don't want to join an affiliated group bc oftentimes there's no belief in God in such groups. At least that had been my experience.

 

[Jim]

I'm used to Catholic spiritual guides, who would provide feedback as to my insights and suggest if they were "in line with" Catholic teaching. When I was trying to fit in, this was welcomed. Now, of course, the last thing I need is someone expressing concern for my salvation. But I also don't like the idea of thinking I've got it all figured out. It's always nice to hear an alternative interpretation. For instance, dream interpretation used to be important to me before I tried to be a "gung-ho Christian", and I was made to feel anything of the sort was "of the devil" (in spite of God repeatedly communicating with people in the Bible). Now that I'm free of that limitation, it'd be nice to talk openly about dreams, as an example.

I guess I don't really need an individual guru per se, though maybe it would be nice to have someone suggest different spiritual practices to try, based on my interests. I'm interested in meditation and yoga, for instance. But I don't want to join an affiliated group bc oftentimes there's no belief in God in such groups. At least that had been my experience.

So when you said “I need guidance” in the OP, what you were thinking was that you would like to hear some alternative interpretations, and suggestions for spiritual practices?

You mentioned Catholic spiritual guides as an example of a kind of guidance that you do not want. Can you think of an example of the kind of guidance you were thinking of when you said “I need guidance”? Maybe like a Gandalf, for example? Was rhere some deep thought or feeling behind it when you said, “I need guidance”? The reason I’m asking, is because it might make a difference in how to find what you’re looking for.

 

[Vinayaka]

I'm used to Catholic spiritual guides, who would provide feedback as to my insights and suggest if they were "in line with" Catholic teaching. When I was trying to fit in, this was welcomed. Now, of course, the last thing I need is someone expressing concern for my salvation. But I also don't like the idea of thinking I've got it all figured out. It's always nice to hear an alternative interpretation. For instance, dream interpretation used to be important to me before I tried to be a "gung-ho Christian", and I was made to feel anything of the sort was "of the devil" (in spite of God repeatedly communicating with people in the Bible). Now that I'm free of that limitation, it'd be nice to talk openly about dreams, as an example.

I guess I don't really need an individual guru per se, though maybe it would be nice to have someone suggest different spiritual practices to try, based on my interests. I'm interested in meditation and yoga, for instance. But I don't want to join an affiliated group bc oftentimes there's no belief in God in such groups. At least that had been my experience.

Generally, there are two levels of mentoring, in my view. The first is more of a catalyst ... someone who can listen, a big brother or sister, someone whom you can feel comfortable with, a confidant, non-judgemental, open, who could help you find a clearer path.

The second is the serious teacher, one who will guide you far more specifically, once the path alluded to in Para1 is discovered. This is far rarer than the other kind. This is a realised (using Hindu or mystical terminology) soul who's been there, and can help with the more esoteric exotic aspects of life.

Similarly, there are two levels of seeker .... those who are seeking a path, and those who are seeking God.

My gut and logic seem to be saying you're looking for the first one.

So if you considered a yoga class as an example ... the first typw would be the person who took you, or went with you to the yoga class, while the second would be the teacher.

Just thoughts ... sorry.

 

[Jim]

I'm used to Catholic spiritual guides, who would provide feedback as to my insights and suggest if they were "in line with" Catholic teaching. When I was trying to fit in, this was welcomed. Now, of course, the last thing I need is someone expressing concern for my salvation. But I also don't like the idea of thinking I've got it all figured out.

Looking again, that gives me a clue, even if it’s an example of what you do not want. I’ll be pondering that.

 

[SaintUriah]

So... I am a recovering Catholic. Lifetime seeker. Several times I've seriously considered converting to one religion or another, ultimately always returning to the faith tradition of my upbringing. Last year, totally unexpectedly, I woke up one day and started to doubt again. I started to pray for God to teach me how to follow God without denominational affiliation. I was about to start pursuing formal membership in the Religious Society of Friends (Quakers) when I realized I would just be changing my affiliation, and not following God directly.

I need guidance. I've had spiritual directors in the past, but they've either been Catholic or once, a Quaker. I need someone who appreciates my need for the spiritual life without trying to convince me to follow their preferred path.

I am not certain what role Jesus ought to play in my spirituality. What I have read about Jesus makes me want to follow his teachings.... for the most part. But first, I no longer believe that what we know about him is as reliable as I once thought. Second, as long as I identified as a Christian or Jesus-follower, He could do no wrong. But now I have to wonder about his teaching on divorce. I am happily married, but I've recently met several people going through this difficult transition, and I was concerned to find that the Bible clearly states, at least the Christian Scriptures, that Jesus was against divorce "except if the marriage is unlawful". What about abuse? Neglect? How about when one of the spouses fails to fulfill the role of spouse any longer? Yes, for better or for worse, but I feel our society has turned marriage into an idol. But I digress... this post is not about marriage or divorce. Rather, this is an example of a teaching of Jesus that I simply cannot rectify. There are a few other concerns, but they're beside the point here.

I think I am most comfortable with free thinking. I do not believe in revelations to prophets for the sake of humanity. I believe in personal revelation to individuals, relevant only to them. I believe in universal revelation as evident in nature. I believe in natural laws/first principles and that God's intentions for humanity's behavior are indeed "written on our hearts". I am leaning towards reincarnation as a valid afterlife possibility. I do not believe God punishes people for their beliefs or lack of beliefs. I believe God is just and our actions have consequences (karma?) one way or another. I'm ok not knowing the details. I'm also ok not knowing the details of Who God is - how can anyone claim to even come close? I'm not sure if God is "personal" in the sense of being an individual personality. Rather, I think descriptions like "ultimate Mind/Source/Reality" are more true than any attempts at specificity.

I no longer believe in the Devil, as my limited time studying Judaism showed me how the Christian concept of Satan creates a dual-god system of "a good god vs a bad god", borrowed from Zoroastrainism. I believe we are an extension of God in some way ("made in God's image"), so when bad things happen to good people, it's because someone was sleeping on the job. Or many someones. They could've been far removed both in space and time, but we are all interconnected, and so we cannot "blame God" - we can only blame ourselves collectively.

I'll be honest, I really like the theology of Judaism as was explained to me in the Intro to Judaism class I took. However, I don't believe in the prophets' revelations, and I don't believe any group of people is any more chosen than another. So I can neither convert nor consider myself a Noahide. I also really appreciate the social justice focus of the Quakers, but I find it very troublesome to be surrounded by almost entirely white people, as my family is multi-cultural/ethnic/lingual and I would not be able to feel at home without some ethnic diversity.

I am currently continuing on with attendance at Catholic mass periodically, but no longer out of "Catholic guilt" regarding "Sunday obligation" (Catholics are committing as sin if they don't show up to Mass every Sunday without good cause.). I go because I need to keep going somewhere, and that's where I'm most familiar. But I also struggle to figure out how to present both Catholicism and God in general to my kids.

I was smitten by a very charismatic and - dare I say holy? - priest whose faith and demeanor helped me out of a post-partum and existential depression and back into faith. But within a month of his leaving our church, I started to have doubts again. Now I feel as though I was in a cult-like environment, allowing my emotions to substitute for genuine faith. There was an annual women's retreat through this church that I went to every year for about four years, which also contributed to this in-group feeling. And there was a very emotionally charged praise and worship service monthly that, once the charismatic priest left, deteriorated and I stopped going.

I mention those details because I think they contribute to my assessment that I was in a cult-like environment. That's not to say that I think Catholic church is a cult. Not any more than any other organized religion, anyway. I just feel very indoctrinated. I feel as though my emotions were highly taken advantage of as well-meaning people led me "back to Christ".

I am experiencing an inner conflict between a sense of freedom (to think) and a grieving for the belonging that, while it clearly was transient and conditional, was still nice while it lasted.

I should finally mention that I am in recovery for codependence, which means I am learning to think for myself, trust myself, stop depending on external validation and approval, and quit trying to please everyone. I have a hard time with organized religion because of the above factors. I think it's got to be all or nothing for me, meaning I'm either going with organized religion and staying codependent to it, or I'm going rouge and being a free-thinker and continuing on my path of recovery.

Anyway, to anyone who actually read all of this, thank you for your interest. What led me to post this right now, by the way, was that I was going through some old papers and found several worship songs from prior retreats that I had loved listening to, and this sparked that grief I mentioned about missing it all, even if I think it was a rouse. They don't say ignorance is bliss for nothing. If anyone is on a remotely similar journey as me and would be interested in sharing experiences and ideas, or if you've been there done that and have some insights to share, I welcome both.

Thank you for letting me share.

Ask who created Adam
Call him through the things they agree on

Connect with him direct No broker needed
The prophets are not mediators
They are delivering the message

 

[Trailblazer]

Ask who created Adam
Call him through the things they agree on

Connect with him direct No broker needed
The prophets are not mediators
They are delivering the message

I did not know that Muslims believe we can connect directly with God.
If Muhammad was a Messenger, wasn't He also a mediator?

 

[SaintUriah]

I did not know that Muslims believe we can connect directly with God.
If Muhammad was a Messenger, wasn't He also a mediator?

Jews Also

He did not create us to make between us a mediator

We turned away the mediators as we did the war of the gods

 

[Trailblazer]

Jews Also

He did not create us to make between us a mediator

We turned away the mediators as we did the war of the gods

You kind of lost me.
Why don't you think we need a mediator between us and God?

 

[InChrist]

So... I am a recovering Catholic. Lifetime seeker. Several times I've seriously considered converting to one religion or another, ultimately always returning to the faith tradition of my upbringing. Last year, totally unexpectedly, I woke up one day and started to doubt again. I started to pray for God to teach me how to follow God without denominational affiliation. I was about to start pursuing formal membership in the Religious Society of Friends (Quakers) when I realized I would just be changing my affiliation, and not following God directly.

I need guidance. I've had spiritual directors in the past, but they've either been Catholic or once, a Quaker. I need someone who appreciates my need for the spiritual life without trying to convince me to follow their preferred path.

I am not certain what role Jesus ought to play in my spirituality. What I have read about Jesus makes me want to follow his teachings.... for the most part. But first, I no longer believe that what we know about him is as reliable as I once thought. Second, as long as I identified as a Christian or Jesus-follower, He could do no wrong. But now I have to wonder about his teaching on divorce. I am happily married, but I've recently met several people going through this difficult transition, and I was concerned to find that the Bible clearly states, at least the Christian Scriptures, that Jesus was against divorce "except if the marriage is unlawful". What about abuse? Neglect? How about when one of the spouses fails to fulfill the role of spouse any longer? Yes, for better or for worse, but I feel our society has turned marriage into an idol. But I digress... this post is not about marriage or divorce. Rather, this is an example of a teaching of Jesus that I simply cannot rectify. There are a few other concerns, but they're beside the point here.

I think I am most comfortable with free thinking. I do not believe in revelations to prophets for the sake of humanity. I believe in personal revelation to individuals, relevant only to them. I believe in universal revelation as evident in nature. I believe in natural laws/first principles and that God's intentions for humanity's behavior are indeed "written on our hearts". I am leaning towards reincarnation as a valid afterlife possibility. I do not believe God punishes people for their beliefs or lack of beliefs. I believe God is just and our actions have consequences (karma?) one way or another. I'm ok not knowing the details. I'm also ok not knowing the details of Who God is - how can anyone claim to even come close? I'm not sure if God is "personal" in the sense of being an individual personality. Rather, I think descriptions like "ultimate Mind/Source/Reality" are more true than any attempts at specificity.

I no longer believe in the Devil, as my limited time studying Judaism showed me how the Christian concept of Satan creates a dual-god system of "a good god vs a bad god", borrowed from Zoroastrainism. I believe we are an extension of God in some way ("made in God's image"), so when bad things happen to good people, it's because someone was sleeping on the job. Or many someones. They could've been far removed both in space and time, but we are all interconnected, and so we cannot "blame God" - we can only blame ourselves collectively.

I'll be honest, I really like the theology of Judaism as was explained to me in the Intro to Judaism class I took. However, I don't believe in the prophets' revelations, and I don't believe any group of people is any more chosen than another. So I can neither convert nor consider myself a Noahide. I also really appreciate the social justice focus of the Quakers, but I find it very troublesome to be surrounded by almost entirely white people, as my family is multi-cultural/ethnic/lingual and I would not be able to feel at home without some ethnic diversity.

I am currently continuing on with attendance at Catholic mass periodically, but no longer out of "Catholic guilt" regarding "Sunday obligation" (Catholics are committing as sin if they don't show up to Mass every Sunday without good cause.). I go because I need to keep going somewhere, and that's where I'm most familiar. But I also struggle to figure out how to present both Catholicism and God in general to my kids.

I was smitten by a very charismatic and - dare I say holy? - priest whose faith and demeanor helped me out of a post-partum and existential depression and back into faith. But within a month of his leaving our church, I started to have doubts again. Now I feel as though I was in a cult-like environment, allowing my emotions to substitute for genuine faith. There was an annual women's retreat through this church that I went to every year for about four years, which also contributed to this in-group feeling. And there was a very emotionally charged praise and worship service monthly that, once the charismatic priest left, deteriorated and I stopped going.

I mention those details because I think they contribute to my assessment that I was in a cult-like environment. That's not to say that I think Catholic church is a cult. Not any more than any other organized religion, anyway. I just feel very indoctrinated. I feel as though my emotions were highly taken advantage of as well-meaning people led me "back to Christ".

I am experiencing an inner conflict between a sense of freedom (to think) and a grieving for the belonging that, while it clearly was transient and conditional, was still nice while it lasted.

I should finally mention that I am in recovery for codependence, which means I am learning to think for myself, trust myself, stop depending on external validation and approval, and quit trying to please everyone. I have a hard time with organized religion because of the above factors. I think it's got to be all or nothing for me, meaning I'm either going with organized religion and staying codependent to it, or I'm going rouge and being a free-thinker and continuing on my path of recovery.

Anyway, to anyone who actually read all of this, thank you for your interest. What led me to post this right now, by the way, was that I was going through some old papers and found several worship songs from prior retreats that I had loved listening to, and this sparked that grief I mentioned about missing it all, even if I think it was a rouse. They don't say ignorance is bliss for nothing. If anyone is on a remotely similar journey as me and would be interested in sharing experiences and ideas, or if you've been there done that and have some insights to share, I welcome both.

Thank you for letting me share.

Interesting reading your experiences and thoughts. I was raised Catholic, but now belong to and follow Jesus Christ alone.
I don’t think I would be someone you would want as a mentor, but thought you might be interested in a link to the following article concerning abuse and divorce...

The Bible DOES allow divorce for domestic abuse

 

[SaintUriah]

You kind of lost me.
Why don't you think we need a mediator between us and God?

Why you need mediator Between you and who created you who with you all time

 

[Trailblazer]

Why you need mediator Between you and who created you who with you all time

Okay, I understand you in that context. God is always there, although we sometimes shut Him out.

 

[Jim]

I'm used to Catholic spiritual guides, who would provide feedback as to my insights and suggest if they were "in line with" Catholic teaching. When I was trying to fit in, this was welcomed. Now, of course, the last thing I need is someone expressing concern for my salvation. But I also don't like the idea of thinking I've got it all figured out.

Now I’m thinking that the kind of guide you want might be someone to walk with you who knows a lot from experience about what there is to see, and about dangers to avoid. You choose your own path, but they tell you about things you might want to see, and warn you about dangers that you might want to avoid.

 

[Samantha Rinne]

So... I am a recovering Catholic. Lifetime seeker. Several times I've seriously considered converting to one religion or another, ultimately always returning to the faith tradition of my upbringing. Last year, totally unexpectedly, I woke up one day and started to doubt again. I started to pray for God to teach me how to follow God without denominational affiliation. I was about to start pursuing formal membership in the Religious Society of Friends (Quakers) when I realized I would just be changing my affiliation, and not following God directly.

I need guidance. I've had spiritual directors in the past, but they've either been Catholic or once, a Quaker. I need someone who appreciates my need for the spiritual life without trying to convince me to follow their preferred path.

I am not certain what role Jesus ought to play in my spirituality. What I have read about Jesus makes me want to follow his teachings.... for the most part. But first, I no longer believe that what we know about him is as reliable as I once thought. Second, as long as I identified as a Christian or Jesus-follower, He could do no wrong. But now I have to wonder about his teaching on divorce. I am happily married, but I've recently met several people going through this difficult transition, and I was concerned to find that the Bible clearly states, at least the Christian Scriptures, that Jesus was against divorce "except if the marriage is unlawful". What about abuse? Neglect? How about when one of the spouses fails to fulfill the role of spouse any longer? Yes, for better or for worse, but I feel our society has turned marriage into an idol. But I digress... this post is not about marriage or divorce. Rather, this is an example of a teaching of Jesus that I simply cannot rectify. There are a few other concerns, but they're beside the point here.

I think I am most comfortable with free thinking. I do not believe in revelations to prophets for the sake of humanity. I believe in personal revelation to individuals, relevant only to them. I believe in universal revelation as evident in nature. I believe in natural laws/first principles and that God's intentions for humanity's behavior are indeed "written on our hearts". I am leaning towards reincarnation as a valid afterlife possibility. I do not believe God punishes people for their beliefs or lack of beliefs. I believe God is just and our actions have consequences (karma?) one way or another. I'm ok not knowing the details. I'm also ok not knowing the details of Who God is - how can anyone claim to even come close? I'm not sure if God is "personal" in the sense of being an individual personality. Rather, I think descriptions like "ultimate Mind/Source/Reality" are more true than any attempts at specificity.

I no longer believe in the Devil, as my limited time studying Judaism showed me how the Christian concept of Satan creates a dual-god system of "a good god vs a bad god", borrowed from Zoroastrainism. I believe we are an extension of God in some way ("made in God's image"), so when bad things happen to good people, it's because someone was sleeping on the job. Or many someones. They could've been far removed both in space and time, but we are all interconnected, and so we cannot "blame God" - we can only blame ourselves collectively.

I'll be honest, I really like the theology of Judaism as was explained to me in the Intro to Judaism class I took. However, I don't believe in the prophets' revelations, and I don't believe any group of people is any more chosen than another. So I can neither convert nor consider myself a Noahide. I also really appreciate the social justice focus of the Quakers, but I find it very troublesome to be surrounded by almost entirely white people, as my family is multi-cultural/ethnic/lingual and I would not be able to feel at home without some ethnic diversity.

I am currently continuing on with attendance at Catholic mass periodically, but no longer out of "Catholic guilt" regarding "Sunday obligation" (Catholics are committing as sin if they don't show up to Mass every Sunday without good cause.). I go because I need to keep going somewhere, and that's where I'm most familiar. But I also struggle to figure out how to present both Catholicism and God in general to my kids.

I was smitten by a very charismatic and - dare I say holy? - priest whose faith and demeanor helped me out of a post-partum and existential depression and back into faith. But within a month of his leaving our church, I started to have doubts again. Now I feel as though I was in a cult-like environment, allowing my emotions to substitute for genuine faith. There was an annual women's retreat through this church that I went to every year for about four years, which also contributed to this in-group feeling. And there was a very emotionally charged praise and worship service monthly that, once the charismatic priest left, deteriorated and I stopped going.

I mention those details because I think they contribute to my assessment that I was in a cult-like environment. That's not to say that I think Catholic church is a cult. Not any more than any other organized religion, anyway. I just feel very indoctrinated. I feel as though my emotions were highly taken advantage of as well-meaning people led me "back to Christ".

I am experiencing an inner conflict between a sense of freedom (to think) and a grieving for the belonging that, while it clearly was transient and conditional, was still nice while it lasted.

I should finally mention that I am in recovery for codependence, which means I am learning to think for myself, trust myself, stop depending on external validation and approval, and quit trying to please everyone. I have a hard time with organized religion because of the above factors. I think it's got to be all or nothing for me, meaning I'm either going with organized religion and staying codependent to it, or I'm going rouge and being a free-thinker and continuing on my path of recovery.

Anyway, to anyone who actually read all of this, thank you for your interest. What led me to post this right now, by the way, was that I was going through some old papers and found several worship songs from prior retreats that I had loved listening to, and this sparked that grief I mentioned about missing it all, even if I think it was a rouse. They don't say ignorance is bliss for nothing. If anyone is on a remotely similar journey as me and would be interested in sharing experiences and ideas, or if you've been there done that and have some insights to share, I welcome both.

Thank you for letting me share.

Try Protestantism.

Probably the reason you keep returning to Catholicism is that you like the basic tenants of Christianity but like the low-guilt version.

You wouldn't believe how many people leave the church because of one denomination. Or leave one church then try evangelical then leave entirely.

There's a spectrum with Baptist/Pentecostal at one end, Catholic at another (also wtf, why was Quaker your choice? And Zoroastrianism?) with things like Episcopalian at the middle.

 

[Karolina]

Try Protestantism.

Probably the reason you keep returning to Catholicism is that you like the basic tenants of Christianity but like the low-guilt version.

You wouldn't believe how many people leave the church because of one denomination. Or leave one church then try evangelical then leave entirely.

Yeah...no. been there done that. I worshipped at an Anglican Church, nondenominational, UU, etc. Remember...I don't but into the idea of prophets. That's not a Catholic thing. That's a Judeo-Christian-Muslim thing. And yes, Evangelical would only make it worse.

 

[Karolina]

So when you said “I need guidance” in the OP, what you were thinking was that you would like to hear some alternative interpretations, and suggestions for spiritual practices?

You mentioned Catholic spiritual guides as an example of a kind of guidance that you do not want. Can you think of an example of the kind of guidance you were thinking of when you said “I need guidance”? Maybe like a Gandalf, for example? Was rhere some deep thought or feeling behind it when you said, “I need guidance”? The reason I’m asking, is because it might make a difference in how to find what you’re looking for.

I think I was thinking of someone like a meditation/mindfulness guide. I know I didn't say that at first, but I'm just coming to this as I consider the responses here.

 

[Karolina]

Generally, there are two levels of mentoring, in my view. The first is more of a catalyst ... someone who can listen, a big brother or sister, someone whom you can feel comfortable with, a confidant, non-judgemental, open, who could help you find a clearer path.

The second is the serious teacher, one who will guide you far more specifically, once the path alluded to in Para1 is discovered. This is far rarer than the other kind. This is a realised (using Hindu or mystical terminology) soul who's been there, and can help with the more esoteric exotic aspects of life.

Similarly, there are two levels of seeker .... those who are seeking a path, and those who are seeking God.

My gut and logic seem to be saying you're looking for the first one.

So if you considered a yoga class as an example ... the first typw would be the person who took you, or went with you to the yoga class, while the second would be the teacher.

Just thoughts ... sorry.

Thank you. I think you are correct. I'm looking for a path. I don't know that I'm "looking" for God. I think God is already all around and it's just a matter of a reliable practice to replace the Catholic-Christian one I've grown accustomed to.

 

[Karolina]

Ask who created Adam
Call him through the things they agree on

Connect with him direct No broker needed
The prophets are not mediators
They are delivering the message

I would first have to believe Adam was a historical figure, which I do not. I would then have to believe God tells prophets revelations that God doesn't tell the rest of us who listen for His still, small voice, which I don't.

As an aside, I have already considered Islam and thanks to that experience realize what it has in common with Judaism and Christianity is this idea of exclusive knowledge revealed by God only to the prophets, who are then tasked with passing on God's message to the rest of the world.

I believe God can and does speak for Himself to anyone and everyone who turns to Him. No need for a holy book or prophet to interpret and apply the message.

 

[Jim]

Thank you. I think you are correct. I'm looking for a path. I don't know that I'm "looking" for God. I think God is already all around and it's just a matter of a reliable practice to replace the Catholic-Christian one I've grown accustomed to.

I recommend some kind of practice that includes some kind of community service with some other people.

 

[viole]

So... I am a recovering Catholic. Lifetime seeker. Several times I've seriously considered converting to one religion or another, ultimately always returning to the faith tradition of my upbringing. Last year, totally unexpectedly, I woke up one day and started to doubt again. I started to pray for God to teach me how to follow God without denominational affiliation. I was about to start pursuing formal membership in the Religious Society of Friends (Quakers) when I realized I would just be changing my affiliation, and not following God directly.

I need guidance. I've had spiritual directors in the past, but they've either been Catholic or once, a Quaker. I need someone who appreciates my need for the spiritual life without trying to convince me to follow their preferred path.

I am not certain what role Jesus ought to play in my spirituality. What I have read about Jesus makes me want to follow his teachings.... for the most part. But first, I no longer believe that what we know about him is as reliable as I once thought. Second, as long as I identified as a Christian or Jesus-follower, He could do no wrong. But now I have to wonder about his teaching on divorce. I am happily married, but I've recently met several people going through this difficult transition, and I was concerned to find that the Bible clearly states, at least the Christian Scriptures, that Jesus was against divorce "except if the marriage is unlawful". What about abuse? Neglect? How about when one of the spouses fails to fulfill the role of spouse any longer? Yes, for better or for worse, but I feel our society has turned marriage into an idol. But I digress... this post is not about marriage or divorce. Rather, this is an example of a teaching of Jesus that I simply cannot rectify. There are a few other concerns, but they're beside the point here.

I think I am most comfortable with free thinking. I do not believe in revelations to prophets for the sake of humanity. I believe in personal revelation to individuals, relevant only to them. I believe in universal revelation as evident in nature. I believe in natural laws/first principles and that God's intentions for humanity's behavior are indeed "written on our hearts". I am leaning towards reincarnation as a valid afterlife possibility. I do not believe God punishes people for their beliefs or lack of beliefs. I believe God is just and our actions have consequences (karma?) one way or another. I'm ok not knowing the details. I'm also ok not knowing the details of Who God is - how can anyone claim to even come close? I'm not sure if God is "personal" in the sense of being an individual personality. Rather, I think descriptions like "ultimate Mind/Source/Reality" are more true than any attempts at specificity.

I no longer believe in the Devil, as my limited time studying Judaism showed me how the Christian concept of Satan creates a dual-god system of "a good god vs a bad god", borrowed from Zoroastrainism. I believe we are an extension of God in some way ("made in God's image"), so when bad things happen to good people, it's because someone was sleeping on the job. Or many someones. They could've been far removed both in space and time, but we are all interconnected, and so we cannot "blame God" - we can only blame ourselves collectively.

I'll be honest, I really like the theology of Judaism as was explained to me in the Intro to Judaism class I took. However, I don't believe in the prophets' revelations, and I don't believe any group of people is any more chosen than another. So I can neither convert nor consider myself a Noahide. I also really appreciate the social justice focus of the Quakers, but I find it very troublesome to be surrounded by almost entirely white people, as my family is multi-cultural/ethnic/lingual and I would not be able to feel at home without some ethnic diversity.

I am currently continuing on with attendance at Catholic mass periodically, but no longer out of "Catholic guilt" regarding "Sunday obligation" (Catholics are committing as sin if they don't show up to Mass every Sunday without good cause.). I go because I need to keep going somewhere, and that's where I'm most familiar. But I also struggle to figure out how to present both Catholicism and God in general to my kids.

I was smitten by a very charismatic and - dare I say holy? - priest whose faith and demeanor helped me out of a post-partum and existential depression and back into faith. But within a month of his leaving our church, I started to have doubts again. Now I feel as though I was in a cult-like environment, allowing my emotions to substitute for genuine faith. There was an annual women's retreat through this church that I went to every year for about four years, which also contributed to this in-group feeling. And there was a very emotionally charged praise and worship service monthly that, once the charismatic priest left, deteriorated and I stopped going.

I mention those details because I think they contribute to my assessment that I was in a cult-like environment. That's not to say that I think Catholic church is a cult. Not any more than any other organized religion, anyway. I just feel very indoctrinated. I feel as though my emotions were highly taken advantage of as well-meaning people led me "back to Christ".

I am experiencing an inner conflict between a sense of freedom (to think) and a grieving for the belonging that, while it clearly was transient and conditional, was still nice while it lasted.

I should finally mention that I am in recovery for codependence, which means I am learning to think for myself, trust myself, stop depending on external validation and approval, and quit trying to please everyone. I have a hard time with organized religion because of the above factors. I think it's got to be all or nothing for me, meaning I'm either going with organized religion and staying codependent to it, or I'm going rouge and being a free-thinker and continuing on my path of recovery.

Anyway, to anyone who actually read all of this, thank you for your interest. What led me to post this right now, by the way, was that I was going through some old papers and found several worship songs from prior retreats that I had loved listening to, and this sparked that grief I mentioned about missing it all, even if I think it was a rouse. They don't say ignorance is bliss for nothing. If anyone is on a remotely similar journey as me and would be interested in sharing experiences and ideas, or if you've been there done that and have some insights to share, I welcome both.

Thank you for letting me share.

Since there are no spiritual beings, I wonder where you will find a spiritual mentor. You mean a mentor looking like, and being so elusive like that poltergeist, or ghost character in the respective movie?

Ciao

- viole