Seeking personal advice for life-changing decisions

[Sgt. Pepper]

I've shared my story about the abuse I endured for 13 1/2 years while growing up and how my extended family knew about it, but no one in my family ever reported the abuse to the authorities. I was abused at home for 13 1/2 years and perpetually bullied, pushed around and harassed in school for 12 years. Well, I haven't spoken to my parents or seen them for almost two years. It was more difficult for me to cut them out of my life than it was for me to cut my older brother out of my life. And I just recently made the decision to cut my extended family out of my life after an aunt told me that she and my other relatives knew about the abuse.

She told me that it was decided that she and my relatives (aunts, uncles, grandparents) wouldn't report my mother to the police or to CPS because they were worried that I might end up in a much worse situation if I had been placed into foster care. She told me that the reason why she didn't report my mother to the police was because my mother is her sister. I couldn't believe what I was hearing, and to say that I was totally devastated by hearing these things is an understatement. I feel deeply betrayed by my family.

I've said all that to say this... my personal recovery has been a long and painful process, and I've finally come to the realization that I haven't quite done enough to separate myself from my parents and my so-called family. So, I've decided to (1) legally change my name back to the name I was given at birth and (2) consult an attorney to find out if I can legally have my adoption revoked by a Judge. I'm also going to ask an attorney what it would take to have my adoption papers unsealed. I would like to learn more about my birth parents because I have a feeling that they aren't as horrible as my adopted parents let on. For the record, my husband is completely supportive of my decision to cut all ties with my parents and extended family. He said he'd support me on what I decide.

As you can see, my decisions to cut off all ties to my parents and extended family are literally life-changing decisions, and I'm asking for personal advice (not legal advice) on my difficult situation because I need it. But what I don't need (and I definitely don't want) is to be preached at in this thread. I don't want to hear anything that has to do with Christianity. I'm sorry if saying this is offensive to any Christian (or other theists) who reads this particular request, but I'm not even remotely interested in being preached at. God isn't part of my life anymore, and I don't want to hear anything related to him or to Christianity. I hope my request is respected.

Long story short, I'm seeking some specific advice on my personal situation. I truly feel like legally changing my name and possibly having my adoption revoked will significantly help me recover from the trauma of the abuse I endured while I was growing up.

I would like to know what other people here on RF think.

 

[VoidCat]

I've shared my story about the abuse I endured for 13 1/2 years while growing up and how my extended family knew about it, but no one in my family ever reported the abuse to the authorities. I was abused at home for 13 1/2 years and perpetually bullied, pushed around and harassed in school for 12 years. Well, I haven't spoken to my parents or seen them for almost two years. It was more difficult for me to cut them out of my life than it was for me to cut my older brother out of my life. And I just recently made the decision to cut my extended family out of my life after an aunt told me that she and my other relatives knew about the abuse I was suffering.

She told me that it was decided that she and my relatives (aunts, uncles, grandparents) wouldn't report my mother to the police or to CPS because they were worried that I might end up in a much worse situation if I had been placed into foster care. She told me that the reason why she didn't report my mother to the police was because my mother is her sister. I couldn't believe what I was hearing and to say that I was totally devastated by hearing these things is an understatement.

I've said all that to say this... my personal recovery has been a long and painful process, and I've finally come to the realization that I haven't quite done enough to separate myself from my parents and my so-called family. So, I've decided to (1) legally change my name back to the name I was given at birth and (2) consult an attorney to find out if I can legally have my adoption revoked by a Judge. I'm also going to ask an attorney what it would take to have my adoption papers unsealed. I would like to learn more about my birth parents because I have a feeling that they aren't as horrible as my adopted parents let on. For the record, my beloved husband is completely supportive of my decision to cut all ties with my parents and extended family.

As you can see, my decisions to cut off all ties to my parents and extended family are literally life-changing decisions, and I'm asking for personal advice (not legal advice) on my difficult situation because I need it. But what I don't need (and I definitely don't want) is to be preached to in this thread. I don't want to hear anything that has to do with Christianity. I'm sorry if saying this is offensive to any Christian (or other theists) who reads this particular request, but I'm not even remotely interested in being preached to. God is not part of my life anymore, and I don't want to hear anything remotely related to him or to the Christian faith.

I hope my request is respected.

Long story short, I'm seeking some specific advice on my personal situation. I truly feel like legally changing my name and possibly having my adoption revoked will significantly help me recover from the trauma of the abuse I endured while growing up. I'd like to know what other people here on RF think.

If you go the name change route...
Some states have ways that if you dont have much money you can get it changed for free

 

[It Aint Necessarily So]

I've shared my story about the abuse I endured for 13 1/2 years while growing up and how my extended family knew about it, but no one in my family ever reported the abuse to the authorities. I was abused at home for 13 1/2 years and perpetually bullied, pushed around and harassed in school for 12 years. Well, I haven't spoken to my parents or seen them for almost two years. It was more difficult for me to cut them out of my life than it was for me to cut my older brother out of my life. And I just recently made the decision to cut my extended family out of my life after an aunt told me that she and my other relatives knew about the abuse.

She told me that it was decided that she and my relatives (aunts, uncles, grandparents) wouldn't report my mother to the police or to CPS because they were worried that I might end up in a much worse situation if I had been placed into foster care. She told me that the reason why she didn't report my mother to the police was because my mother is her sister. I couldn't believe what I was hearing, and to say that I was totally devastated by hearing these things is an understatement. I feel deeply betrayed by my family.

I've said all that to say this... my personal recovery has been a long and painful process, and I've finally come to the realization that I haven't quite done enough to separate myself from my parents and my so-called family. So, I've decided to (1) legally change my name back to the name I was given at birth and (2) consult an attorney to find out if I can legally have my adoption revoked by a Judge. I'm also going to ask an attorney what it would take to have my adoption papers unsealed. I would like to learn more about my birth parents because I have a feeling that they aren't as horrible as my adopted parents let on. For the record, my husband is completely supportive of my decision to cut all ties with my parents and extended family. He said he'd support me on what I decide.

As you can see, my decisions to cut off all ties to my parents and extended family are literally life-changing decisions, and I'm asking for personal advice (not legal advice) on my difficult situation because I need it. But what I don't need (and I definitely don't want) is to be preached at in this thread. I don't want to hear anything that has to do with Christianity. I'm sorry if saying this is offensive to any Christian (or other theists) who reads this particular request, but I'm not even remotely interested in being preached at. God isn't part of my life anymore, and I don't want to hear anything related to him or to Christianity. I hope my request is respected.

Long story short, I'm seeking some specific advice on my personal situation. I truly feel like legally changing my name and possibly having my adoption revoked will significantly help me recover from the trauma of the abuse I endured while I was growing up.

I would like to know what other people here on RF think.

Sorry to read that.

What advice are you seeking specifically? About your decision to cut your adoptive family out of your life, the name change, the adoption annulment, or seeking your birth parents? They all seem fine to me.

Have you seen AITA (Am I The ***hole) on Reddit? People tell stories like yours and ask for opinions. The usual one is NTA (you're not the ***hole).

Spoiler: Spoiler: Profanity in link

https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/

 

[Nakosis]

I've shared my story about the abuse I endured for 13 1/2 years while growing up and how my extended family knew about it, but no one in my family ever reported the abuse to the authorities. I was abused at home for 13 1/2 years and perpetually bullied, pushed around and harassed in school for 12 years. Well, I haven't spoken to my parents or seen them for almost two years. It was more difficult for me to cut them out of my life than it was for me to cut my older brother out of my life. And I just recently made the decision to cut my extended family out of my life after an aunt told me that she and my other relatives knew about the abuse.

She told me that it was decided that she and my relatives (aunts, uncles, grandparents) wouldn't report my mother to the police or to CPS because they were worried that I might end up in a much worse situation if I had been placed into foster care. She told me that the reason why she didn't report my mother to the police was because my mother is her sister. I couldn't believe what I was hearing, and to say that I was totally devastated by hearing these things is an understatement. I feel deeply betrayed by my family.

I've said all that to say this... my personal recovery has been a long and painful process, and I've finally come to the realization that I haven't quite done enough to separate myself from my parents and my so-called family. So, I've decided to (1) legally change my name back to the name I was given at birth and (2) consult an attorney to find out if I can legally have my adoption revoked by a Judge. I'm also going to ask an attorney what it would take to have my adoption papers unsealed. I would like to learn more about my birth parents because I have a feeling that they aren't as horrible as my adopted parents let on. For the record, my husband is completely supportive of my decision to cut all ties with my parents and extended family. He said he'd support me on what I decide.

As you can see, my decisions to cut off all ties to my parents and extended family are literally life-changing decisions, and I'm asking for personal advice (not legal advice) on my difficult situation because I need it. But what I don't need (and I definitely don't want) is to be preached at in this thread. I don't want to hear anything that has to do with Christianity. I'm sorry if saying this is offensive to any Christian (or other theists) who reads this particular request, but I'm not even remotely interested in being preached at. God isn't part of my life anymore, and I don't want to hear anything related to him or to Christianity. I hope my request is respected.

Long story short, I'm seeking some specific advice on my personal situation. I truly feel like legally changing my name and possibly having my adoption revoked will significantly help me recover from the trauma of the abuse I endured while I was growing up.

I would like to know what other people here on RF think.

I think your real family is not necessary the people who raised you.
Sometimes you have to create your family from among the people near you, you know you can trust.

 

[Gargovic Malkav]

So, I've decided to (1) legally change my name back to the name I was given at birth and (2) consult an attorney to find out if I can legally have my adoption revoked by a Judge. I'm also going to ask an attorney what it would take to have my adoption papers unsealed. I would like to learn more about my birth parents because I have a feeling that they aren't as horrible as my adopted parents let on.

I'm curious about your biological parents too.
In what position would they have been to give up their child for adoption?

What I'm also curious about is, what does a "revoked" adoption mean in a legal sense?
I don't know how old you are, but if you're an official adult, this sounds odd to me.
Because even if you don't agree with the way your parents raised you, it is part of your history, whether you like it or not.

 

[Sgt. Pepper]

If you go the name change route...
Some states have ways that if you dont have much money you can get it changed for free

I'm just starting to look into what is needed in order for me to legally change my name. I live in Texas, and from what I have seen thus far, I have to pay some money to legally change my name. I haven't consulted an attorney yet. I will soon, though.

 

[sun rise]

I don't have any specific advice. But I do hope you are getting really helpful psychological treatment as you work through the trauma you went through.

I will write that there are many with histories of abuse and if I give you any advice it is to check with people who have been in a similar situation to see if their experiences can inform the choices you are making.

 

[Sgt. Pepper]

Sorry to read that.

What advice are you seeking specifically? About your decision to cut your adoptive family out of your life, the name change, the adoption annulment, or seeking your birth parents? They all seem fine to me.

Have you seen AITA (Am I The ***hole) on Reddit? People tell stories like yours and ask for opinions. The usual one is NTA (you're not the ***hole).

Spoiler: Profanity in link

https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/

All of the above. And yes, I've heard about the AITA, but I haven't considered sharing my story on it.

 

[Sgt. Pepper]

I think your real family is not necessary the people who raised you.
Sometimes you have to create your family from among the people near you, you know you can trust.

Very true. I've already established a real family with my husband's family. They have all been very supportive of me.

 

[Vitality]

It’s wise to distance yourself from abusers, regardless of relation. Completely understandable to want a name change. My only concern would be whether you are doing this in conjunction with trauma informed therapy. If not, I highly encourage you to explore that option. It sounds like you are doing good things for yourself on this path to healing already. May you find the peace of mind and solace you seek <3

 

[Sgt. Pepper]

I'm curious about your biological parents too.
In what position would they have been to give up their child for adoption?

What I'm also curious about is, what does a "revoked" adoption mean in a legal sense?
I don't know how old you are, but if you're an official adult, this sounds odd to me.
Because even if you don't agree with the way your parents raised you, it is part of your history, whether you like it or not.

I don't know much about my birth parents, and I seriously doubt what my adopted parents have told me about them is the truth. I'd like to find out, if I can. Also, a legal annulment of my adoption would more be symbolic than anything else, and it's important to me. I left home shortly after I turned 18, and I'm 48 now. Personally, I see going to court and standing before a Judge to have my adoption annulled as a brave and courageous gesture on my part because I'm taking legal action against what was done to me. My husband said he understood why I want to do this and he supports me. And you're right, my abusive past is part of my history, but that doesn't mean that I can't legally separate myself from my parents and my extended family for my recovery and mental health.

 

[Sgt. Pepper]

I don't have any specific advice. But I do hope you are getting really helpful psychological treatment as you work through the trauma you went through.

I will write that there are many with histories of abuse and if I give you any advice it is to check with people who have been in a similar situation to see if their experiences can inform the choices you are making.

I'm getting significant help and a lot of support from my husband and his family, but I'm having a difficult time finding a therapist who doesn't try to push Christianity or some other spiritual belief down my throat. I've already decided that Christian therapists are out of the question. I've had enough of Christians trying to "fix me" over the years that I can't bear to go that route again.

 

[Nimos]

I've shared my story about the abuse I endured for 13 1/2 years while growing up and how my extended family knew about it, but no one in my family ever reported the abuse to the authorities. I was abused at home for 13 1/2 years and perpetually bullied, pushed around and harassed in school for 12 years. Well, I haven't spoken to my parents or seen them for almost two years. It was more difficult for me to cut them out of my life than it was for me to cut my older brother out of my life. And I just recently made the decision to cut my extended family out of my life after an aunt told me that she and my other relatives knew about the abuse.

She told me that it was decided that she and my relatives (aunts, uncles, grandparents) wouldn't report my mother to the police or to CPS because they were worried that I might end up in a much worse situation if I had been placed into foster care. She told me that the reason why she didn't report my mother to the police was because my mother is her sister. I couldn't believe what I was hearing, and to say that I was totally devastated by hearing these things is an understatement. I feel deeply betrayed by my family.

I've said all that to say this... my personal recovery has been a long and painful process, and I've finally come to the realization that I haven't quite done enough to separate myself from my parents and my so-called family. So, I've decided to (1) legally change my name back to the name I was given at birth and (2) consult an attorney to find out if I can legally have my adoption revoked by a Judge. I'm also going to ask an attorney what it would take to have my adoption papers unsealed. I would like to learn more about my birth parents because I have a feeling that they aren't as horrible as my adopted parents let on. For the record, my husband is completely supportive of my decision to cut all ties with my parents and extended family. He said he'd support me on what I decide.

As you can see, my decisions to cut off all ties to my parents and extended family are literally life-changing decisions, and I'm asking for personal advice (not legal advice) on my difficult situation because I need it. But what I don't need (and I definitely don't want) is to be preached at in this thread. I don't want to hear anything that has to do with Christianity. I'm sorry if saying this is offensive to any Christian (or other theists) who reads this particular request, but I'm not even remotely interested in being preached at. God isn't part of my life anymore, and I don't want to hear anything related to him or to Christianity. I hope my request is respected.

Long story short, I'm seeking some specific advice on my personal situation. I truly feel like legally changing my name and possibly having my adoption revoked will significantly help me recover from the trauma of the abuse I endured while I was growing up.

I would like to know what other people here on RF think.

If that is how you feel about you adoptive parents and family then I don't think you owe them anything. They apparently had no problem letting the abuse going on without interfering or helping you. The least they could have done were to talk with your adaptive mother etc. But from what I understand they didn't?

There can be many reasons why parents would adopt away their children and Im by no expert in the reasons why, but I honestly think that the majority of them don't do it because they are poor parents but because in their current life situation they might simply not be able to take care of one. So figuring out who they are might be very useful for you. And in case they turn out to be people that you don't get along with, you can drop them as well or just keep a remote relationship.

Also I have a hard time thinking that you can't revoke or change your name, I assume you have the normal rights of any citizen where you live. So unless there are some country specific laws that prevent it, I would think that you would just have to go through the process of doing such things.

But again, no expert and don't know anyone that is adopted either, so merely guessing

 

[Sgt. Pepper]

It’s wise to distance yourself from abusers, regardless of relation. Completely understandable to want a name change. My only concern would be whether you are doing this in conjunction with trauma informed therapy. If not, I highly encourage you to explore that option. It sounds like you are doing good things for yourself on this path to healing already. May you find the peace of mind and solace you seek <3

I've been looking for a therapist who won't push their Christian beliefs or some other religious belief down my throat, and I haven't had much luck so far. I've seen therapists and it didn't go well for me, and I've counseled with a couple of evangelical pastors. My experience counseling with these pastors was disastrous for me. I haven't given up on therapists yet, but I'm getting to that point.

 

[Sgt. Pepper]

As I said, I don't know much about my birth parents. My adopted parents told me terrible things about them, but I don't believe what I was told anymore. However, I did manage to find out a few things about my biological parents a few years ago that are true.

I know their names, their ages when I was born, and I know they weren't married. I also know that my biological mother was full blood Cherokee. I only found out these specific details because I pressed a newly hired county clerk who apparently didn't know that I don't have a legal right to know about my birth parents. My adoption was closed and my records are still sealed. I later found out that I wasn't supposed to do that, but it was too late. If anyone is interested, I shared more about my adoption in a post here.

 

[Vitality]

I've been looking for a therapist who won't push their Christian beliefs or some other religious belief down my throat, and I haven't had much luck so far. I've seen therapists and it didn't go well for me, and I've counseled with a couple of evangelical pastors. My experience counseling with these pastors was disastrous for me. I haven't given up on therapists yet, but I'm getting to that point.

Have you explored psychologytoday.com? You can set parameters to narrow the search for therapists in your area that meet specific criteria.

I also grew up in an abusive home and can honestly say I would not be where I am today if it weren’t for the years of therapy I’ve done. I still have ptsd flashbacks sometimes, but I have healed and gained confidence in so many ways thanks to the guidance I’ve had from therapists. My triggers are very random. I am thankful to have a partner who is extremely supportive and sensitive to my needs. He’s very good at helping me recognize triggers and being mindful to avoid them. Honestly, having a supportive partner makes a world of difference. It sounds like yours is also supportive.

Yes, it can take a while to find a good match, but I promise the value will make it worth the time and effort.

 

[Trailblazer]

I've been looking for a therapist who won't push their Christian beliefs or some other religious belief down my throat, and I haven't had much luck so far.

Maybe that is because you live in Texas. I live in Washington state and I have been to various psychologists and counselors but none of them have ever even mentioned God or religion. In fact, when I bring up my religion or God they always try to change the subject and tell me I am only there for my psychological problems. That is what a counselor should do unless they have designated themselves as a Christian counselor.

 

[Secret Chief]

I would like to know what other people here on RF think.

Do what is right for you. I cut my brother from my life. My partner cut her parents and sister from her life (for similar reasons to yourself). We have no regrets.

 

[Secret Chief]

I'm getting significant help and a lot of support from my husband and his family, but I'm having a difficult time finding a therapist who doesn't try to push Christianity or some other spiritual belief down my throat. I've already decided that Christian therapists are out of the question. I've had enough of Christians trying to "fix me" over the years that I can't bear to go that route again.

That is so weird. Beyond weird in fact. A counsellor who is... er... a counsellor...does not push anything.

 

[savagewind]

Are your adopting parents still adopting children? If not, let it lie, in my opinion. If they are, then you have a case to work for other people's benefit. Peace is a good goal for you and for anyone else like you.