Seeking personal advice for life-changing decisions

[Trailblazer]

Have you explored psychologytoday.com? You can set parameters to narrow the search for therapists in your area that meet specific criteria.

I also grew up in an abusive home and can honestly say I would not be where I am today if it weren’t for the years of therapy I’ve done. I still have ptsd flashbacks sometimes, but I have healed and gained confidence in so many ways thanks to the guidance I’ve had from therapists. My triggers are very random. I am thankful to have a partner who is extremely supportive and sensitive to my needs. He’s very good at helping me recognize triggers and being mindful to avoid them. Honestly, having a supportive partner makes a world of difference. It sounds like yours is also supportive.

Yes, it can take a while to find a good match, but I promise the value will make it worth the time and effort.

My parents were not abusive but my family was a dysfunctional family. My main problems were because I was emotionally abandoned as a child. My parents were maintenance alcoholics with other addictions, so the kids were to be seen and not heard. I don't think I ever felt loved by my mother. I felt more love from my father but that was brief and he died suddenly of a heart attack when I was only 12 years old. That was the beginning of the end. That event set off what was to be a lifetime of PTSD.

I have been to therapists for about 40 years off and on but they have not been very helpful for my PTSD and grief reactions. Most of my grief has been because of so many cat losses.

Unfortunately, my husband of 37 years has his own emotional problems as a result of his childhood and he has never been very supportive of me so I have had to go it pretty much alone because I have no family or close friends. I won't mention my religion or God on this thread and how that has helped me on my grief because I do not want to offend anyone.

 

[VoidCat]

My parents were not abusive but my family was a dysfunctional family. My main problems were because I was emotionally abandoned as a child. My parents were maintenance alcoholics with other addictions, so the kids were to be seen and not heard. I don't think I ever felt loved by my mother. I felt more love from my father but that was brief and he died suddenly of a heart attack when I was only 12 years old. That was the beginning of the end. That event set off what was to be a lifetime of PTSD.

I have been to therapists for about 40 years off and on but they have not been very helpful for my PTSD and grief reactions. Most of my grief has been because of so many cat losses.

Unfortunately, my husband of 37 years has his own emotional problems as a result of his childhood and he had never been very supportive of me so I have had to go it pretty much alone because I have no family or close friends. I won't mention my religion or God on this thread and how that has helped me on my grief because I do not want to offend anyone.

Emotional neglect is a form of abuse.

 

[Sgt. Pepper]

Maybe that is because you live in Texas. I live in Washington state and I have been to various psychologists and counselors but none of them have ever even mentioned God or religion. In fact, when I bring up my religion or God they always try to change the subject and tell me I am only there for my psychological problems. That is what a counselor should do unless they have designated themselves as a Christian counselor.

Yeah, I think you're right. In fact, the town I live in, and the surrounding towns are saturated with Christians. It seems like there's a Christian church on every corner. The majority of therapists I've tried so far have tried to push Christian jargon down my throat. If I remember correctly, not all of them designates themselves as a Christian counselor. I got tired of being preached at and made to feel guilty about the abuse I suffered. One Christian counselor told me that I was personally responsible for all the abuse I suffered.

One therapist told me that if I wasn't better in six months that it would be clear to him that I enjoyed the pain I was feeling, and I want other people to feel sorry for me. He told me that during my first session with him. I counseled with an evangelical pastor a few years ago, and he told me I'm a cursed soul, and it's obvious to him that God hates me and God is punishing me for the sins of my birth parents. I have more stories, but I think you get the gist of why I have a problem with Christian counselors and therapists.

 

[Trailblazer]

Do what is right for you. I cut my brother from my life. My partner cut her parents and sister from her life (for similar reasons to yourself). We have no regrets.

I only have one brother who is seven years older than me, and I have no other family except my husband. Several years ago I stopped having any communication with my brother. He was the one who would call me, but he stopped calling and I have not had a desire to talk to him because he has hurt me in the past. I wonder if he is still alive but I assume I would have been notified if he had died.

My husband only had one sister but she had dementia for the last 20 years of her life so she did not even know who he was. Now neither one of us have any living parents or family. We have no children so no grandchildren so we are completely alone. Of course, we have the cats so we are not really alone!

 

[Trailblazer]

Emotional neglect is a form of abuse.

Yes, I know that.

 

[SalixIncendium]

I'm not sure what, if anything, having the adoption revoked would do for you at this point, being legally an adult. My (also abusive) step-father legally adopted me (and had my name changed to his). I never bothered having the adoption revoked as an adult, as I didn't feel the need to do so. I did, however, have my last name legally changed back to my birth name.

As for the step-father, I cut ties with him from the time I was in my late 20s until he died, and I haven't spoken to my mother (who is also quite toxic) or my brother (won't even get into that piece of work) in the 15 years since my daughter passed.

I am much happier living with my birth name, because earlier in life, it separated me from the wicked step-father, and since has saved me a great deal of ink since it's exactly half the length (my adopted name was 8 letters, my birth name only 4. I've also find separating myself from the toxicity of the collective quite liberating as well.

 

[Sgt. Pepper]

Are your adopting parents still adopting children? If not, let it lie, in my opinion. If they are, then you have a case to work for other people's benefit. Peace is a good goal for you and for anyone else like you.

My adopted parents are both in their late 70s. They're selfish, greedy, backstabbing and spiteful towards everyone they meet, even towards their own family at times. My aunt once told me that my mother bad mouths me all the time to anyone who will listen. My mother is a vindictive *itch, and she loves to play the victim. She loves to accuse other people who criticize her of being out to get her. She told my aunt that I turned her family against her, and she treated me the way she did because I deserved it.

 

[Trailblazer]

Yeah, I think you're right. In fact, the town I live in, and the surrounding towns are saturated with Christians. It seems like there's a Christian church on every corner. The majority of therapists I've tried so far have tried to push Christian jargon down my throat. If I remember correctly, not all of them designates themselves as a Christian counselor. I got tired of being preached at and made to feel guilty about the abuse I suffered. One Christian counselor told me that I was personally responsible for all the abuse I suffered.

Any counselor should know that victims of abuse already feel guilty even though the abuse was not their fault. The last thing you need is for a counselor to make you feel guilty since you were the victim, not the perpetrator. I cannot even imagine a counselor telling you that you were personally responsible for all the abuse that you suffered! It is no small wonder that you are in no big hurry to seek any more counseling! If you do seek counseling again maybe you should make sure the counselor is not a Christian, if there are any counselors in Texas who are not.

Have you ever tried attending 12 step programs? I attended ACOA and CODA for about seven years and I think that helped me more than counseling.

One therapist told me that if I wasn't better in six months that it would be clear to him that I enjoyed the pain I was feeling, and I want other people to feel sorry for me. He told me that during my first session with him. I counseled with an evangelical pastor a few years ago, and he told me I'm a cursed soul, and it's obvious to him that God hates me and God is punishing me for the sins of my birth parents. I have more stories, but I think you get the gist of why I have a problem with Christian counselors and therapists.

Not only have I been in therapy off and on for 40 years, I have an MA in Counseling Psychology. As such I cannot even imagine a therapist telling you that if you were not better in six months that it would be clear that you enjoyed the pain you were feeling, and I want other people to feel sorry for you! That is unconscionable! It is completely lacking in compassion. I have read your posts and it is obvious that you want help and you are not wallowing in self pity.

There are some people on this forum who adhere to the belief that all people experience pain but nobody has to suffer, and that is as much as saying that if we are suffering it is our own fault. I definitely do not believe that because I know how hard I tried to alleviate my own suffering for many years, to no avail. How could it be my fault? However, this is what some people 'believe.' I try to steer clear of such people because their philosophy makes it impossible for hem to have any compassion. Dollars to donuts they were able to overcome their suffering so they think everyone can be like them. That is the epitome of arrogance.

 

[Vitality]

Yeah, I think you're right. In fact, the town I live in, and the surrounding towns are saturated with Christians. It seems like there's a Christian church on every corner. The majority of therapists I've tried so far have tried to push Christian jargon down my throat. If I remember correctly, not all of them designates themselves as a Christian counselor. I got tired of being preached at and made to feel guilty about the abuse I suffered. One Christian counselor told me that I was personally responsible for all the abuse I suffered.

One therapist told me that if I wasn't better in six months that it would be clear to him that I enjoyed the pain I was feeling, and I want other people to feel sorry for me. He told me that during my first session with him. I counseled with an evangelical pastor a few years ago, and he told me I'm a cursed soul, and it's obvious to him that God hates me and God is punishing me for the sins of my birth parents. I have more stories, but I think you get the gist of why I have a problem with Christian counselors and therapists.

No wonder you are hesitant to continue exploring therapy! I’m so sorry you’ve had such negative experiences that sound as if they’ve done nothing more than add insult to injury. Good for you for taking a stand against things that don’t align with your values. Both with family and therapy.

The path to healing is a very personal journey. There is not just one right way to overcome adversity. Obviously what works for one person is not always best for another. The fact that you are actively working towards letting go and moving on from that part of your life in itself is an accomplishment. Best to you moving forward!

 

[stvdv]

I would like to know what other people here on RF think.

I wish you all the best, can't give you advice, but I am glad to read that your husband fully supports you

I cut out all my family...not easy, but it feels good, though it took me quite a few years to transform all the issues that came to the surface because of blocking all (like guilt, fear, am I selfish, did I do the right thing, insecurity? and many more uncomfortable emotions). The very positive that came out of this, is that I finally got my self respect restored and thereby my lifelong depression got solved bit by bit. Finally I start enjoying life a little

 

[stvdv]

One Christian counselor told me that I was personally responsible for all the abuse I suffered.

Your family abused you as a child, so they are 100% responsible. Period.

Wow, what a lack of compassion and empathy. Tells me a lot about that person. Probably he made huge mistakes himself and won't admit them, hence he projects it on you (but that's just my guess, because I can't understand how a sane person would tell you such a mean lie)

 

[sun rise]

I'm getting significant help and a lot of support from my husband and his family, but I'm having a difficult time finding a therapist who doesn't try to push Christianity or some other spiritual belief down my throat. I've already decided that Christian therapists are out of the question. I've had enough of Christians trying to "fix me" over the years that I can't bear to go that route again.

Good therapists don't push their beliefs on you. I never really practiced my degree in psychology once I got it but I at least learned that much.

 

[Kenny]

I've shared my story about the abuse I endured for 13 1/2 years while growing up and how my extended family knew about it, but no one in my family ever reported the abuse to the authorities. I was abused at home for 13 1/2 years and perpetually bullied, pushed around and harassed in school for 12 years. Well, I haven't spoken to my parents or seen them for almost two years. It was more difficult for me to cut them out of my life than it was for me to cut my older brother out of my life. And I just recently made the decision to cut my extended family out of my life after an aunt told me that she and my other relatives knew about the abuse.

She told me that it was decided that she and my relatives (aunts, uncles, grandparents) wouldn't report my mother to the police or to CPS because they were worried that I might end up in a much worse situation if I had been placed into foster care. She told me that the reason why she didn't report my mother to the police was because my mother is her sister. I couldn't believe what I was hearing, and to say that I was totally devastated by hearing these things is an understatement. I feel deeply betrayed by my family.

I've said all that to say this... my personal recovery has been a long and painful process, and I've finally come to the realization that I haven't quite done enough to separate myself from my parents and my so-called family. So, I've decided to (1) legally change my name back to the name I was given at birth and (2) consult an attorney to find out if I can legally have my adoption revoked by a Judge. I'm also going to ask an attorney what it would take to have my adoption papers unsealed. I would like to learn more about my birth parents because I have a feeling that they aren't as horrible as my adopted parents let on. For the record, my husband is completely supportive of my decision to cut all ties with my parents and extended family. He said he'd support me on what I decide.

As you can see, my decisions to cut off all ties to my parents and extended family are literally life-changing decisions, and I'm asking for personal advice (not legal advice) on my difficult situation because I need it. But what I don't need (and I definitely don't want) is to be preached at in this thread. I don't want to hear anything that has to do with Christianity. I'm sorry if saying this is offensive to any Christian (or other theists) who reads this particular request, but I'm not even remotely interested in being preached at. God isn't part of my life anymore, and I don't want to hear anything related to him or to Christianity. I hope my request is respected.

Long story short, I'm seeking some specific advice on my personal situation. I truly feel like legally changing my name and possibly having my adoption revoked will significantly help me recover from the trauma of the abuse I endured while I was growing up.

I would like to know what other people here on RF think.

It is wise to have boundaries and separate oneself from toxic relationships.

You can change your name but I think even more important is to find complete healing. Changing your name may be a safeguard but, as I am sure you know, you still take what is in you no matter what name you carry.

Hope you find that healing!

 

[Sgt. Pepper]

First, I want to say that Religious Forums is a wonderful online community of warmhearted and compassionate people, and I'm grateful to be a member of the forum. Secondly, I'd like to say it's been therapeutic for me to talk about my story in this thread and to hear other people share their personal stories of experiencing abuse in their life. I'd like to thank everyone who has responded so far, and I sincerely appreciate everyone's concern and compassion. I knew I could find support and compassion here on RF.

 

[Watchmen]

I'm curious about your biological parents too.
In what position would they have been to give up their child for adoption?

What I'm also curious about is, what does a "revoked" adoption mean in a legal sense?
I don't know how old you are, but if you're an official adult, this sounds odd to me.
Because even if you don't agree with the way your parents raised you, it is part of your history, whether you like it or not.

But it can have legal implications.

 

[Watchmen]

I've shared my story about the abuse I endured for 13 1/2 years while growing up and how my extended family knew about it, but no one in my family ever reported the abuse to the authorities. I was abused at home for 13 1/2 years and perpetually bullied, pushed around and harassed in school for 12 years. Well, I haven't spoken to my parents or seen them for almost two years. It was more difficult for me to cut them out of my life than it was for me to cut my older brother out of my life. And I just recently made the decision to cut my extended family out of my life after an aunt told me that she and my other relatives knew about the abuse.

She told me that it was decided that she and my relatives (aunts, uncles, grandparents) wouldn't report my mother to the police or to CPS because they were worried that I might end up in a much worse situation if I had been placed into foster care. She told me that the reason why she didn't report my mother to the police was because my mother is her sister. I couldn't believe what I was hearing, and to say that I was totally devastated by hearing these things is an understatement. I feel deeply betrayed by my family.

I've said all that to say this... my personal recovery has been a long and painful process, and I've finally come to the realization that I haven't quite done enough to separate myself from my parents and my so-called family. So, I've decided to (1) legally change my name back to the name I was given at birth and (2) consult an attorney to find out if I can legally have my adoption revoked by a Judge. I'm also going to ask an attorney what it would take to have my adoption papers unsealed. I would like to learn more about my birth parents because I have a feeling that they aren't as horrible as my adopted parents let on. For the record, my husband is completely supportive of my decision to cut all ties with my parents and extended family. He said he'd support me on what I decide.

As you can see, my decisions to cut off all ties to my parents and extended family are literally life-changing decisions, and I'm asking for personal advice (not legal advice) on my difficult situation because I need it. But what I don't need (and I definitely don't want) is to be preached at in this thread. I don't want to hear anything that has to do with Christianity. I'm sorry if saying this is offensive to any Christian (or other theists) who reads this particular request, but I'm not even remotely interested in being preached at. God isn't part of my life anymore, and I don't want to hear anything related to him or to Christianity. I hope my request is respected.

Long story short, I'm seeking some specific advice on my personal situation. I truly feel like legally changing my name and possibly having my adoption revoked will significantly help me recover from the trauma of the abuse I endured while I was growing up.

I would like to know what other people here on RF think.

No words of wisdom here. All I can say is you’re doing awesome. Keep it up!

 

[amorphous_constellation]

I've shared my story about the abuse I endured for 13 1/2 years while growing up and how my extended family knew about it, but no one in my family ever reported the abuse to the authorities. I was abused at home for 13 1/2 years and perpetually bullied, pushed around and harassed in school for 12 years. Well, I haven't spoken to my parents or seen them for almost two years. It was more difficult for me to cut them out of my life than it was for me to cut my older brother out of my life. And I just recently made the decision to cut my extended family out of my life after an aunt told me that she and my other relatives knew about the abuse.

She told me that it was decided that she and my relatives (aunts, uncles, grandparents) wouldn't report my mother to the police or to CPS because they were worried that I might end up in a much worse situation if I had been placed into foster care. She told me that the reason why she didn't report my mother to the police was because my mother is her sister. I couldn't believe what I was hearing, and to say that I was totally devastated by hearing these things is an understatement. I feel deeply betrayed by my family.

I've said all that to say this... my personal recovery has been a long and painful process, and I've finally come to the realization that I haven't quite done enough to separate myself from my parents and my so-called family. So, I've decided to (1) legally change my name back to the name I was given at birth and (2) consult an attorney to find out if I can legally have my adoption revoked by a Judge. I'm also going to ask an attorney what it would take to have my adoption papers unsealed. I would like to learn more about my birth parents because I have a feeling that they aren't as horrible as my adopted parents let on. For the record, my husband is completely supportive of my decision to cut all ties with my parents and extended family. He said he'd support me on what I decide.

As you can see, my decisions to cut off all ties to my parents and extended family are literally life-changing decisions, and I'm asking for personal advice (not legal advice) on my difficult situation because I need it. But what I don't need (and I definitely don't want) is to be preached at in this thread. I don't want to hear anything that has to do with Christianity. I'm sorry if saying this is offensive to any Christian (or other theists) who reads this particular request, but I'm not even remotely interested in being preached at. God isn't part of my life anymore, and I don't want to hear anything related to him or to Christianity. I hope my request is respected.

Long story short, I'm seeking some specific advice on my personal situation. I truly feel like legally changing my name and possibly having my adoption revoked will significantly help me recover from the trauma of the abuse I endured while I was growing up.

I would like to know what other people here on RF think.

I read what you posted, but I'm not prepared to give advice, because I have experienced similar issues, and I don't really know what to do myself. And these I posted about occasionally, though reluctantly, because I dislike thinking about such issues

I was raised by a pretty hardcore alcoholic, but my dad eventually got comas and strokes, and broke down from diabetes. Now he quit alcohol, but I feel like he has a bit of brain damage, and it's hard to get so much of a connection with him. So that's one thing, one thing in my past that I don't know how to deal with, really. My mother used to live in her car, and I believe she had the kind of lifestyle that she denies ever having. Her side of the family is so messed up, I don't even want to go into it. Well, both sides have got some serious issues

In any case, what I described to you above is just to illustrate the context of the present situation. My middle brother basically went no-contact with the parents in his early twenties, and now he's 30 something. He basically just left one night to go live in a city, I think homeless at first. Last year he kind of reconnected, and I helped pay for some school for him. He got real political and wouldn't even talk to me for years, though

My youngest brother is the problem here, unfortunately. Now he's the one who started into drinking. Getting in fights. Getting my car impounded. Getting serious misdemeanors. Getting kicked out of apartments, treating his girlfriends poorly. Now it looks like he may have to move back in with my parents again. Well my parents are in complete denial of how this guy is. Complete denial. And you know, I may make the decision not to talk to any of them anymore, fairly soon. In trying to argue my case, I might as well be talking to a brick wall

And maybe that's why I never had any kids myself, nor got into a serious relationship. Is because, I don't have the sort of family example that I would like to carry into the future. If maybe all of these individual issues are you know, genetic or something. Anyway, sorry for the rant

 

[The Hammer]

Long story short, I'm seeking some specific advice on my personal situation. I truly feel like legally changing my name and possibly having my adoption revoked will significantly help me recover from the trauma of the abuse I endured while I was growing up.

I would like to know what other people here on RF think.

I'm willing to do a rune or tarot reading for guidance if you'd like.

Or you could listen to the other probably better advice in this thread already.

 

[Sgt. Pepper]

I read what you posted, but I'm not prepared to give advice, because I have experienced similar issues, and I don't really know what to do myself. And these I posted about occasionally, though reluctantly, because I dislike thinking about such issues

I was raised by a pretty hardcore alcoholic, but my dad eventually got comas and strokes, and broke down from diabetes. Now he quit alcohol, but I feel like he has a bit of brain damage, and it's hard to get so much of a connection with him. So that's one thing, one thing in my past that I don't know how to deal with, really. My mother used live in her car, and I believe she had the kind of lifestyle that she denies ever having. Her side of the family is so messed up, I don't even want to go into it. Well, both sides have got some serious issues

In any case, what I described to you above is just to illustrate the context of the present situation. My middle brother basically went no-contact with the parents in his early twenties, and now he's 30 something. He basically just left one night to go live in a city, I think homeless at first. Last year he kind of reconnected, and I helped pay for some school for him. He got real political and wouldn't even talk to me for years, though

My youngest brother is the problem here, unfortunately. Now he's the one who started into drinking. Getting in fights. Getting my car impounded. Getting serious misdemeanors. Getting kicked out of apartments, treating his girlfriends poorly. Now it looks like he may have to move back in with my parents again. Well my parents are in complete denial of how this guy is. Complete denial. And you know, I may make the decision not to talk to any of them anymore, fairly soon. In trying to argue my case, I might as well be talking to a brick wall

And maybe that's why I never had any kids myself, nor got into a serious relationship. Is because, I don't have the sort of family example that I would like carry into the future. If maybe all of these individual issues are you know, genetic or something. Anyway, sorry for the rant

First, you don't have to apologize for sharing your story. It's not a rant, and I think you're brave for sharing it. Secondly, thank you for posting your story in my thread. And lastly, my inbox is always open if you want to talk. I know that our life situations aren't quite the same, but I do understand how you're feeling. I don't know what to tell you other than hang in there and keep reaching out for help. I promise that you're not alone, my friend. Some days are harder than others, but you need to keep moving forward.

 

[Sgt. Pepper]

I'm willing to do a rune or tarot reading for guidance if you'd like.

Or you could listen to the other probably better advice in this thread already.

Thank you for your kind offer, and I would love a tarot reading in private. Thanks, in advance. I've been wanting to ask you for a while, but I couldn't muster up the courage to ask. I've been thinking about purchasing tarot cards, but I haven't done that yet.