As you read this my dad is lying in his bed slowly committing suicide. You see, dear old dad has given up his will to live. This is incredibly difficult for my mom to say the least as she feels cheated in the "golden years" of her life to have the person she has loved since she was 16 is already, no longer there. (They are both 74 and were high-school sweethearts.)
A wonderful Baptist minister I knew when I was that age described death as being like a walnut. With death, the nut is gone and the shell remains. I recounted this to my mom a few days ago as she cried to me on the phone about how aweful it all was to go through. I gently told her "the nut" she fell in love with has already left and what she has now is a mere shell of his former self. That might sound cold, but the Dad lying in that bed is not the Dad I remembers so fondly and so well. You must understand that technically there is no medical reason WHY he cannot get up and "make the best of a crappy situation". The simple fact is, he simply does not WANT to.
I think my dad blames medical science for keeping him alive. That is my gut feeling as without medical science he would have died several years ago. The simple fact is that his QUALITY of life was so radically altered that he never did get his "second wind" and make the "best of it". So now, he is atrophied, with no life threatening condition, but just a feeling that it is all unfair. He doesn't WANT to be here any longer and sadly, I have accepted that. It is quite impossible to change his mind, well... when his is conherent of course. The drug combo he is on make him a little loopy, add to that anti-depressants and well... it really cannot be any fun at all.
I have come to accept the fact that he cannot "make it back" and so he just lies there getting weaker by the day. I have begun to prepare for the inevitable and only a miracle COULD change his attitudes at this juncture in time. I just hope Mom is strong enough to cope.
Let's put it this way... we would never let a dog or cat or horse suffer... and for the life of me I cannot understand why we insist on making those we love suffer... just to eek out a few more days in misery. I may very well turn into a believer in Euthenasia over this whole ordeal. Like, if he were to go into cadiac arrest right now... the call would be made... a rush to the hospital... and they would try to keep him going, at ANY cost. I can only sit here and wonder why.
Thanks largely to Jayhawker, who suggested I write my heart out about how I felt until there was nothing left to say... and then destroy those words... I am now "good" with this and my dad's plight. I realized the only reason I wanted him to continue were in fact my own selfish reasons. You see, I have 5 decades of happy memories already and frankly that is a lot more than most have been blessed with.
I hope no one thinks I am cold and unfeeling in saying all this, but I do think, that in some cases, when the pain is just too much, then there is no harm in such a final solution.
You see, I am your eteral optimist, but if I had to switch places with my dad, I would pray for a quick painless end. Nothing is forever, except perhaps the love and the fond memories.
And thank you Dawn for your prayers, but now perhaps it is time to pray for a speedy resolution. I don't think it is going to be very much longer anyways. I hope for my Mom's sake, that it is not.
