Vannakkam,
Well first of all, would like to say that use the word "convert", even if don't like it. To me, it means more "Hindus that practiced/explored another religion before".
Often newcomers have a very difficult start in their path to become Hindu. Those difficulties are very diverse and often necessary, in a way: mostly those you can see starting to attend regularly at the temple or engaging in activities kinda passed the "curiosity test". I've seen a lot going to the temple, only to briefly stay and never come back. Or others starting to sincerely explore the scriptures, or any other aspect, only to drop it after some time or make it his own flavor of syncretism.
And to that, will say: it's totally okay. No sweat.
Others will become then... What will conveniently call "convert hindus" (gawd, hate this word so much).
They are firmly established in worship, community, in a sampraday or not. And yet... Often, see many restless.
For us who came from the west, it is our curse: this endless spiral of questions and doubts even though we are firmly established in practice and thinking, even though we are ""Hindu"".
What is this curse ? Our everyday since our birth, suppose. It happened to me too, for a good while, and Gods how awful it was. To illustrate the point, let's take a look at this good old learning curve :
The first part is when we start the path. We learn A LOT, very quickly, glomping books and websites and speeches and everything that can help us learn the practices, thinking, customs, etc... It's the first approach, and this is what is thrilling for those who persevere in the Hindu way: a whole different world of knowledge and new stuff opens, and we are eager to learn, learn learn more and try things.
The danger of this part: to get lost. Too much scriptures, too much confusion, too much different and sometimes contradictory ideas... For a Hindu it is completely normal, for someone that has not yet established his/her mind in the religion, it's inacceptable to have contradictory principles in the same practice. One of them HAS to be the right, true, virtuous one among all the others right ? Right ?
The second part is when you are settled in practice. You have a steady sadhana, learning from a sampraday or going on without denomination, you go to the temple or get involved with community stuff... You have some knowledge, feel accepted, knows how to practice. All is good as long as you keep on your way, to be honest. And yet, some feel like something is wrong:
There is the danger of this part: the learning curve drastically slows down at this moment, you don't learn new things or master new stuff as quickly as before. You start to worry. Maybe to even feel boredom. There is a risk to drop out, or to go back to your previous religion and distance yourself from being Hindu.
But there is also the curse: We grew up in a whole society that was built on a certain way to think or to do things. Even if we are firmly established in practice and thinking, even if we are following advice or regular in our sadhana, we STILL have occurences of this "mindset" we grew up with. Many say that they feel like "Bad Hindus", "not good enough", that they are "doing wrong things" and sometimes will feel terrible remorse because they feel incredibly guilty for not being "good Hindus" for whatever reason.
've seen people driven to self doubt, anger, even depression because they were late for their sadhana, because there was chicken in their lunch salad, because they don't go everyday to the temple, because they don't bow enough to whatever guru they are following...
And to all those, wish just to say those very simple and wise words :
Seriously just chill the **** out.
Really.
Just... Just chill.
This is, to my eyes, pure leftovers of abrahamic mindset. It's either black or white. It's either right or wrong. It's either virtue or sin. There is nothing in between.
Don't forget it is, for a great part, a religion of thinking. A great guru will never give you orders about what to do/what not to do, you are not supposed to take every scripture literally as words of law, you are NOT supposed to FEAR punishment from your Ishta, you are not supposed to FEAR for your soul.
This is the best way to be paralysed both in thinking and in practice.
Explore, think, experiment, reflect. You have everything to loose in not trying anything. It's a vast umbrella of a lot of faiths and practices and cultures, all in one religion, and it's all supposed to make you happy and to give you the means, both spiritually and physically, to elevate yourself in a variety of manners. Some Hindus are vegetarians, others are not. Some Hindus go to the temple everyday, others are not. Some Hindus worship Ganesha, others aren't. Some Hindus do puja at home everyday, some don't. There is no right way, no wrong way, there is the WAY. It's here. You are on it. Why are you complicating things so much ? Stop, take a breath, look around you: not a single thing look the same. You are making yourself depressed and sad, not because you are a "bad Hindu" but because you are still driven to these leftovers in your mind, this is our curse and you can go through it, just stop and THINK. REFLECT.
We are all going to the same place. We have all the time in the universe to achieve it. Knowing that, you should feel peace and go on a steady pace, not drowning in self doubt and rushing to "salvation" or "100% pure sattvik living for the good of mah soul" or even "I have to completely destroy and remove my ego to be a good hindu" because you are most likely to just destroy yourself in the process. And that's not the goal of it all.
It's really sad and sick to me to see those fellow brothers and sisters like this. Seen many have no problem parroting whatever book or guru taught them: "the soul is undying, unborn" then why do you fear for it ? "God is everything: all attributes yet none at the same time" then why do you feel the need to roll on the floor and cry because you ate a piece of chicken in your salad ? "Ishta/guru is merciful and gives shelter to everyone who seek his blessings" then why do you apologise for everything that you are or everything that you do when you sincerely try ?
This universe is a goddamn ocean of every shade that are impossible to even imagine. It's all of these, yet absolutely nothing, at the same time. It's huge, immense, impossible to fully understand, without beginning and without end. It encompasses all the outcomes and the possibilities, the black and white/sin and virtue/good and bad mindset you're drowning into are just tiny crumbs of dust pieces in this vastness. You're choking on those tiny crumbs of dust, you, who have the potential to realize fully that you are a part of this whole immensity, you who have a chance to be a part of it, whatever your/your sampraday's aim is.
You can force yourself to go on like that, but you will never be able to reach the third part of the curve with this mindset. Even if you spend 6 months, 3 years or a whole lifetime on it.
You will never be "not hindu enough", you will never be a "bad Hindu". Stop. Stop it. You're hurting yourself.
Fortunate ones who got out of this curse or grew up directly in India or in Hinduism: please, don't let fellow brothers and sisters like that. Drop them a PM, get them out for some chai. Have a nice chat, divert them from those feelings and prevent isolation. It really don't take much of our time and energy, it is part of our duty to prevent this suffering. Some are first ones to jump to save cows, to save trees, to save dogs, but many forget to also care for fellow human beings.
And Gods know how hard it is to be and to find a decent one in those dark times. Become one and treasure those you meet on your way.
Also here is a kitten to make this stupid rambling more cute:
Aum Namah Shivaya
