I lost count of how many times I prayed to God in Jesus' name when I was a child and teenager, pleading with God in Jesus' name to save me from being abused by my adopted mother and adopted older brother (
click here). I prayed to God in Jesus' name, pleading with God to save me from being bullied and harassed in school. For me, praying to God was like praying to a brick wall and expecting the wall to answer, because in spite of all the years I prayed to God in Jesus' name, I suffered abuse at home for 13 1/2 years and I was bullied in school for 12 years. I finally came to the realization that God wasn't ever going to save me, so I stopped praying to him for a couple of years. I lost hope in him and I resigned myself to the life I knew I could never escape until I turned 18 years old.
I saved myself shortly after I turned 18 when I physically confronted my abusive older brother and told him that I would call the police on him if he ever laid hands on me again. I'm pleased to say that my forceful confrontation with him also made a lasting impression on my adopted mother, because she never laid a hand on me again either. Neither would stay in the same room with me after that.
I had lost my hope in God, but I had been indoctrinated into believing in him no matter what, so I foolishly became a Christian when I was 17. As the Bible states in
Romans 10:9-13 about getting saved, I believed in my heart that God raised Jesus from the dead and I declared him Lord. I still remember the moment I prayed to be saved vividly because I felt absolutely nothing in my heart when I accepted Jesus. I didn't feel the peace, joy, or hope that I was expecting to feel after hearing other Christians talk about how they felt such peace and joy in their hearts when they accepted Jesus as their lord and savior. I wanted that more than anything else in life. These Christians said that their burdens were lifted and they felt hope again. All I felt at the time was the usual pain and sadness.
I can't emphasize just how deeply disappointed I was when I didn't feel my burdens lifted or feel hope in God again. I was completely overwhelmed with sadness and a feeling of hopelessness. I foolishly held on to my Christian faith for the next 30 years while willingly ignoring the nagging reminder in my heart that God didn't save me when I was growing up. I was a very devout Christian because I had been taught that the more devout I was to God, the more likely he was to answer my prayers. The Bible states, "The prayer of a righteous person is powerful and effective" (
James 5:16), and I sincerely believed Jesus' promise, "And I will do whatever you ask in my name, so that the Father may be glorified in the Son." "You may ask me for anything in my name, and I will do it" (
John 14:13-14).
I renounced my Christian faith and belief in God about a year and a half ago. It was very difficult for me to let go of my belief in God because I had believed in him all my life and I had been a Christian for 30 years. As far as I'm concerned now, either the Christian God doesn't actually exist and I was a complete fool for believing he did, or the Christian God does exist and he's a malicious and sadistic monster who takes pleasure in watching me and the rest of humanity suffer. I'm an agnostic now, so I could go either way on this.