Too much monkey business

[Mock Turtle]

Are you mad or what?

As mentioned before, I'm pretty certain that I had been suffering from an avoidant personality disorder, with social phobia/social anxiety and depression also being present for many years - possibly induced when most of my friends began to slip away although it may already have been there in my early teens. I went to see my doctor around 1977-79 with what appeared to be a panic attack or perhaps a nervous breakdown, and he prescribed anti-anxiety drugs (oxazepam, or possibly temazepam) - which I took for the next 7 or 8 years until I gradually weaned myself off of them without the doctor’s help. I think it was from the mid 1970s onwards that I began to feel more distant from others.

Since the drugs I took should only be taken for short periods apparently (long-term is defined as three months or more), it is quite likely that some of my problems could have stemmed from the continued use of them over such a long period. I also appeared to have had a seizure in the mid 1980s - like an electric shock to my brain - which might have been caused by my many attempts to stop taking the drugs - probably too quickly - and I eventually managed it by gradually lowering the dose. I can’t remember the doctor ever trying to wean me off of them, and he didn’t seem to make much of my seizure either - even though it is supposedly one effect of trying too quickly to get off such drugs.

Although generally happy with the treatment I received from my doctor, I think he could have done more to have prevented me from being essentially addicted to the anti-anxiety drugs that he initially prescribed for me, especially since this lasted for many years. Since my withdrawal from social contact seemed to be much more prevalent during the time I took the drugs, they hardly helped. I also went to him once where I described a case where a possible hernia could have occurred and where he seemed to dismiss this too. Whilst straining on the toilet, I felt a protrusion through the muscle wall, and I was quick enough to stop immediately such that it returned to normal. The doctor seemed to dismiss this as being unlikely, but I know what I felt at the time. This addiction to the drugs is possibly only one of the two occasions where I had such issues, the other being fixated on pornography later in life, and where that became a daily ritual. Both, however, I was able to defeat.

With regards the social phobia, it was mostly manifested in not initiating social contacts or in being fearful in social situations - things like, not going to parties unless I knew at least a few there; never having the courage to ask a girl for a date; dreading having to talk in public, especially if those there were unknown to me; or even being stressed in work situations when I might have to contact an unknown person. Most of these became stressful because I usually over-thought the likely scenarios resulting from such encounters, which I think is at the heart of any avoidance issues, and where, if one was more emotionally connected, then a more natural response would occur rather than this detrimental over-thinking. The depression usually manifested itself in lethargy, lack of self-esteem, lack of motivation, inability to concentrate, and lack of hope for the future, amongst many other things. The overall result of all of these disorders was such that eventually I had no social life at all, and essentially became a recluse, apart from a few rare outings.

During this time, my work must have suffered since I spent much of the time trying to get off the drugs. I do not think I actually needed to take any drugs during these years, and they probably did more harm than good. If I wasn’t so avoidant at the time then perhaps I might have searched for and found a better solution for my problems. Fairly recently, when I approached the Surgery to verify what drugs I had taken, I was told that the records so far back had been deleted. All of this was of course long before the internet, so information was a lot harder to find then.

For much of my later working life, my work suffered. Many will have probably known that I did have problems and that this was affecting my work, but no one actually did anything about it, mostly just trying to avoid having much contact with me. In later years, at lunchtime, I would often try to have a little rest at my desk. When a group were rather noisy playing cards nearby, I asked them to move elsewhere. When they persisted, I disrupted their game by messing up the cards. They moved to a nearby room. I had never been so aggressive before.

The depression became so bad at one point that on at least one occasion I can remember that I stayed in bed virtually the whole day, and whereas I had been quite keen to go caving with our group every two weeks or so - being a reliable and enthusiastic member - I began to feign being poorly when I just couldn’t be bothered any more. This probably also affected the little social life I had too, when I stopped going to the pub since most of those in the group were not actually friends of mine but friends of friends, and where one person in particular possibly tried his best to evict me from the group by his snide comments. He was successful.

A bit corny this - but typical of the times.

And this.

 

[Mock Turtle]

Wendy Richard was really pretty then.

Oh dear, this says too much ..... I was the black sheep of the family, being just one.

One can see why it endures even if plenty see it as being rather mawkish, like many songs with a similar theme:

A song about death that refuses to die.

For those of a certain age, Terry Jacks' 1974 chart-topper " Seasons in the Sun" remains an unsurpassed nadir of pop music. There was, to be sure, stiff competition at the time — Gilbert O'Sullivan's "Alone Again (Naturally)," Bo Donaldson and the Heywoods' "Billy, Don't Be a Hero." During those mid-Watergate weeks and months, the whole country seemed eager to wallow in tuneful misery. "We had joy, we had fun, we had seasons in the sun/ But the hills that we climbed were just seasons out of time," sings Jacks, puckering up on every syllable. The singer addresses his friend, his father, and his lover as he prepares to die of unspecified causes — assuming, that is, that "too much wine and too much song" isn't a diagnosis. In his epic bad-song survey, Dave Barry put "Seasons in the Sun" in a class of its own, and voters emphatically agreed. Yet Nirvana is hardly the only band to cover the tune — there's been a recent revival of sorts. If it's so universally despised, then why does this song refuse to die?

Part of the allure, at least for connoisseurs of Continental cool, is the song's source. The lyrics, written by the mass-market poet Rod McKuen, are a translation of the French tune "Le Moribond" ("The Dying Man") by Jacques Brel. Born in Brussels, Brel was a family man and cardboard-factory worker until his breakthrough in the 1950s. In the clubs of Paris, he became a hipster chansonnier, a cabaret hero with the dash of a nouvelle vague leading man. Routinely compared with Dylan despite his overt theatricality, Brel, with his storytelling style and his world-weary melodramatics, was an inspiration for David Bowie, Leonard Cohen, and many others. Brel's original 1961 delivery of "Le Moribond" is idiosyncratic, almost jazzy, despite being set to a rigid martial tempo. By contrast, Jacks sings it as if he's following the bouncing ball. As the story goes, Jacks discovered the song on an old Kingston Trio album and brought it to a Beach Boys session he was producing. The Boys cut a demo but declined to release it, leaving Jacks to record it himself. The production was poky and very AM-radio, but the power-chord pioneer Link Wray supposedly played the opening electric guitar riff. The resulting single sold millions.

The more elusive part of the song's appeal lies somewhere between the cradle and the grave. In Jacks' twee version, the melody is reduced to a hectoring nursery-school simplicity, yet the subject is the heaviest of them all — going off to ride the big teeter-totter in the sky. Kurt Cobain, quintessentially conflicted, clearly loved "Seasons in the Sun" despite his aversion to sentimentality. (The Terry Jacks 45 was the first record he ever bought.) He certainly wasn't alone. On a new limited-edition single, the L.A. punk holdout John Doe covers the song straight, with no hint of a snicker and no fear of the schmaltz. A sneaky theremin tweaks the role of the angels' chorus, but it's almost as if Doe were auditioning as Jacks. England's Black Box Recorder, featuring former members of the Auteurs and the Jesus and Mary Chain, covered the song faithfully, too. Their version followed yet another reverent reading, turned in by the Dublin boy band Westlife, that went to No. 1 on the U.K. pop charts. If some bands bring no irony to the song whatsoever, others have predictably played it for broad laughs. Blink-182 has been known to mangle it in their live shows. The Scarsdale knuckleheads Too Much Joy couldn't resist; neither could the campy Cali-punk cover band Me First and the Gimme Gimmes. The Brooklyn Francophiles Les Sans Culottes give the song a psychedelic-lounge spin that goes all frantic at the finish.

However we hear the song — as a heartbreaking suicide note or an unforgivably mawkish tug on our emotions — it remains lodged in the collective cranium. "Strange how potent cheap music is," Noel Coward once remarked. The secret of the enduring appeal of "Seasons in the Sun" is just that simple. How will we face our own final days — with grace, humility, a defensive sneer, or a loud guffaw? It's a sad song about death, and death gets us every time.

Some better music.

 

[Mock Turtle]

Just normal ageing mate.

As mentioned previously here, I seem to have changed quite sufficiently so as it to be noticed, and according to one test (below) - determining the emotional states from just the eyes - I scored 26 out of 36, which was the norm it seems, so I think my emotional state is in good order, or as good as most. The results of an on-line personality test recently also appear to show I am quite well balanced, and perhaps more like I was when much younger. Whereas once I might have been quite wary of others, I generally don’t have any problems interacting with people, and I am much more relaxed. However, being in touch with my feelings has perhaps made me more volatile and likely to express my emotions more, when before I might have been more restrained. This seems to have changed my basic nature of being introverted into being more balanced, but I doubt I would ever become exactly extroverted. The volatility, for example, has been noticed on a few occasions - getting angry at a few motorists who just seemed so petty and annoying by their lack of consideration or lack of plain old road manners, and becoming rather animated when the religious converters occasionally call (the JWs). The latter has become more pronounced perhaps because I truly believe that religions, of any sort, have been the worst thing that humans have invented, and I would like to see less of them rather than more, such that any coming to the door expecting to convert me get short shrift. I’m of the opinion that one should keep such beliefs to oneself and set an example rather than proselytising.

https://www.questionwritertracker.com/quiz/61/Z4MK3TKB.html

According to other tests, I also seem to have a Secure Attachment style, a bit late perhaps and obviously affected by my past history, but I have mostly not had any problems once I actually get to know others. Debating on some forums has undoubtedly given me greater confidence and perhaps enabled me to trust others more. The time spent on one particular forum some years back certainly seems to have produced some results, firstly in having the courage to stand and argue my case, and secondly not to be bothered as to how I was viewed by others. It was a very hostile audience in general and I had many personal attacks that were we not all anonymous would certainly have been libellous. Relating to my ability to assess behaviour, I also perceived the following four examples correctly - but perhaps not that difficult:

http://medicalxpress.com/news/2015-11-lying.html

Some time back, I had a rather strange love-at-first-sight moment with a young woman who came to the front door, perhaps seeing her as the ideal match or solution for my particular circumstances, but not hers of course. Although nothing came of this - she was a lot younger than myself (no fool like an old fool) and I hardly expected otherwise - the experience did seem to alter how I felt for some weeks, and inspired me to seek out an adult female companion via a few dating websites, even if it was futile doing so. It was a very powerful feeling and quite overwhelming. It was also the first time that I confided in a friend to ask his advice - which was quite good probably - just forget about the incident and carry on - as if I could. Better living with disappointment than having regrets over never taking any action at the time. It was quite painful though. Although I was perhaps rather too optimistic initially, as anyone older and quite frankly desperate might be, the incident did show that I could have such strong feelings for those to whom I might be attracted. The love-at-first-sight feeling might be similar to that felt by anyone whilst encountering what they feel is the perfect object encountered, such as a work of art or any other object, and perhaps explains how many will pay any amount to own such objects. Whether this can be regarded as lust is debatable.

Do you believe in love at first sight? Personality quiz | Ben Ambridge

Having had the one example of this, which obviously didn't proceed to a relationship, I would have to disagree with the Dutch study, which I thought was rather superficial and failed to address the real issues involved. In my opinion, two things are probably happening in such situations, which seems to coincide with what others have described too. The first is that it often occurs with very attractive individuals, such that the 'halo' effect is operating, that is, the association of goodness with attractiveness, and the second thing, and possibly the more important, is that the individual is seen in an 'idealisation' role, that is, that they seem to fulfil our exact needs at the time - they subconsciously appear to us to be an 'ideal' partner. The feelings felt are more like an overwhelming wave of emotion, with all barriers down, and which is not like lust at all, which is what the study mainly seemed to think it was. If they had delved deeper into what the people felt they might have determined this, and I would think that such feelings would only happen on first meeting rather than just seeing an image of someone. But I can't be dogmatic about that since my experience was a one-off meeting.

I had felt love before and it felt much the same but, as the name implies, it happens almost instantaneously. The likelihood of both people involved feeling this at the same time I would think is rather low since what we idealise in others no doubt does vary. The first point, about the halo effect, is illusory (since we know that goodness and attractiveness are not necessarily related), as perhaps is the idealisation feeling itself, with the latter more likely to happen with those who can assess others quite quickly, as I usually can. So, I can't say that love-at-first-sight has any real meaning, just that it does exist, and sometimes actually works - but not for me alas. And the lust argument I'm afraid fails for me as an explanation since the female with whom I had this experience was hardly such as to whom I would have been typically attracted (she was dark-skinned although very attractive), so it was much more than lust. Looking back, this aspect did surprise me somewhat. Of course I can't know that what I felt is the same as what others have experienced, but I would think it was. The experience we have might just be delusional .. but .. we might be correct in our assessment of another and the person might even be the right partner for us. So why would we risk just ignoring and/or dismissing such feelings?

 

[Mock Turtle]

Some unforgettable experiences

Give him a nice cold shower (from Sport, by the Bonzo Dog band)

When I began caving in Yorkshire, I encountered the system known as Gaping Gill (shown below), which has a quite impressively large main chamber nearly 100 metres deep, and open almost directly via a small hole at the top, down which water flows. Twice a year, a local caving club arranged for a powered winch to be present so that the public might descend and view the large cavern below - and of course we usually made use of this facility. Also nearby to the entrance hole is a smaller entrance named Jib Tunnel, which eventually opens into the main chamber near the top. In 1995, a young boy Scout aged 11, disobeying instructions it seems, decided to explore this, and apparently he didn’t have adequate lighting. Unknown to him, it was quite dangerous with not too much to stop anyone falling down into the main chamber. He apparently did exactly this, and sadly fell all the way to the bottom and to his death. I went down Gaping Gill many times, often via ladders rather than the winch (but not the main entrance), since there was a large cave complex below to explore with several entrances to the system, but we often descended via the winch and exited elsewhere when the winch was operating. As is often the case, numerous nearby caves were found to eventually link with others to form a much more complex cave system. One time, after a lot of rain falling, the main entrance to Gaping Gill had quite an amount of water flowing down the entrance hole where the winch was situated. It was deemed too unsafe for quite a while until the flow lessened. The winch cable was anchored to the floor such that the bosun's chair followed the cable and avoided most of this water. After having a little stroll, we returned and eventually were allowed to descend. The descent felt very much like being flushed down the toilet, such was the huge amount of water still cascading all around. This was often one of the more memorable and exciting aspects of caving, descending pitches where water was also falling, and there was some skill in rigging the equipment such that the drop was exciting, but not too exciting, or dangerous. There was always the possibility of small stones being washed down with the water in many systems.

The rolling (downhill) seas

I chartered small sailing yachts on the west coast of Scotland with a few friends on five occasions. On the second of these holidays, four of us had a twin-keel Snapdragon 27 for a week, and we were perhaps a little ambitious with our schedule, since we took the boat down from the Clyde where it was based across to Ireland. It was just a fleeting glimpse of the country because of the necessity to have the boat back on time, so we returned the following day, but unfortunately we missed the weather forecast. It was obvious by the conditions that the weather was deteriorating, and eventually it turned into a full force eight southerly gale - we were crossing west to east. Since we had to get the boat back, we would probably have sailed anyway, but this was my first experience of a gale. I knew that most small yachts could handle such gales with ease if handled properly, but there was always the crew to consider and the possibilities of accidents occurring since the waves can make moving about rather tricky. As we settled down for the crossing, the waves became quite regular, the maximum height probably being about 25 feet. I was not sure how a twin keel yacht would handle such conditions since I had only sailed single keel yachts before. We set the storm jib and that seemed enough to steady the boat since we also had the engine running I think. We didn’t do much talking as the four of us sat in the cockpit, and my friend decided to light a cigarette. As soon as he had it lit, a large wave came over almost immediately, soaking him and his ciggie. He acted as if peeved, tore it out and threw it away, and we all laughed - the tension had been broken. The boat was heeled over at a constant angle, apart from us turning into the waves for the bigger ones (every seventh wave, and all that), so that when we eventually turned north towards our destination, we could see the waves behind us in a regular pattern. It seemed as if the waves were rolling downhill towards us and then rolling onwards below us, such was the affect of being tilted over for several hours. I'm not sure the others were so affected but I commented about this at the time. For much of the crossing we seemed to be accompanied by a ferry not too far away, and I am not sure if it was just coincidence, but perhaps they did this to ensure our safety.


Mirror, mirror - what do you see

On another, earlier, sailing trip across from Anglesey to Ireland (Holyhead to Arklow) with two friends in an even smaller yacht (a Hunter 23), the sea was a perfect flat calm with no wind at all, so that we had to use the outboard motor rather than just waiting around for some wind. This happened overnight, and as we took turns at the tiller, I was fortunate to be the one seeing the sun rising from the mirror calm sea at sunrise, and I could just imagine how our past ancestors might have viewed such an event. It was also one of the most beautiful sights that I have ever seen, and possibly not seen that often. It was a clear sunny day too, to enhance the experience. Not knowing anything about the earth revolving around the sun, or that the earth was not flat, they might have assumed that the sun did actually arise from some location far away, and fall back to earth in a different place. Why would they think it was even the same sun? Any who looked at the sun too long will have damaged their eyesight, so they must have known it had some sort of power, even if they didn’t realise what it was.


Go with the flow

As mentioned elsewhere, I was never obsessive about any rock-climbing, as were most of my friends, such that we never achieved a high standard of climbing. Probably one of the hardest routes I climbed was one called, Aladdinsane (quite appropriate) - the crack immediately to the left of the climber (his route, Jean Jeanie, is easier) - and that I did not even lead, just seconded. It was graded HVS at the time, and is near vertical, so it felt very exposed, but it is easy-peasy compared with what many dedicated rock-climbers can achieve. I was with a very much better climber, and actually thought I might not even make it very far as the start is overhanging and quite intimidating. I was quite surprised at how I actually managed on the climb, and I think that if I had practised more then I might have gotten better. I did do a further two HVS climbs with this chap, but I suspect he knew I wasn’t prepared to be so committed, or simply didn’t have the talent. As always, it really is a matter of time spent, perseverance, plus some talent, and being so nervy hardly helped. I can remember doing one route almost perfectly, as if my hands and feet couldn’t conceivably have been placed elsewhere, and it felt so exhilarating - perhaps my only true flow experience. The route was a lot easier than the hardest ones I ever did though, so I was probably just so much more comfortable at this grade of climbing. I did lead it though.

I can certainly see why those who do the really hard routes get such a buzz from doing them. Many rock-climbers climb some of the harder routes entirely alone, that is soloing, with no protection of any kind, and this does require a special kind of confidence I think. The likelihood of death from a fall is quite high for much of the time, and many do practise the routes beforehand to make this less likely, but the risk is still there. Even watching someone doing this is often spine-tingling when one can see some of the small holds they use to stay attached to the rock-face.

Still - no pain, no gain - which, unfortunately is true, if you understand reality at all.

I suppose I should add in here the item from the previous post - the love-at-first-sight moment - since that too was quite exceptional, and perhaps also the climbing of the Matterhorn and doing the Cuillin Ridge on Skye. The Matterhorn being the best ever experience in one day, and the ridge being the best ever over two days (normally done in one), with the latter requiring two days because of the unusual heat that year.

No doubt I could include others too.

For example, climbing Mont Blanc solo (by the easiest route) and after no preparation - which was silly of me and for which I suffered - but this was hardly a nice experience. It was blowing a gale and I got the skin of my face blasted off by all the small bits of ice whipped up by the wind. And it was just a long slog really - nothing technical or particularly hard or dangerous, if one discounts the crevasses that are often on the lower sections of the route - not there at that particular time it seems.

A better experience was cycling from Geneva down to Nice over many of the Tour de France passes, and where I apparently was fit enough not to notice too much the effort required. The subsequent cycling around Corsica was less of an effort but extremely hot. Recommended though, since the island is very nice. I got refused a bed for the night at a monastery! - they probably recognised a non-believer. Meaning I had to cycle for about two hours in the dark with just my dynamo light and where there were many potholes in the road. Still, Bonifacio as the destination was nice enough.

 

[Mock Turtle]

More to add to my case against religions - might as well make it a nice round number :

29. They can often promote negative attitudes towards the future: That is, that some seem to espouse the view that we are living in the End Times or Last Days, for example, such that it might be pointless doing anything that involves long-term planning. Some religions also predict the Second Coming of Christ or similar things for their particular religion - Jehovah’s Witnesses, for example. All rather pointless and based on the flimsiest of evidence that some believe but most don’t. Much of this also feeds into the negativity often espoused by some, where they seem to see more bad things in the world than there actually are - when we really are living, in general, in far better times than we ever were, as Pinker asserts. It is common to misjudge the magnitude of various worrying things, but religious beliefs probably make it easier to be mistaken, when a less judgmental approach might give more accurate predictions.

30. Religious beliefs are probably the biggest reason for people clinging to set ideas: That is, if one was less open to the views of others and in having one’s own views challenged, then having a religious belief is possibly the most likely reason for doing so. With many saying such things as, My religion believes ..., From my religious belief ..., etc., it is rather obvious that many are much more likely to seek evidence from within their own belief system to counter any arguments than just looking at anything in an unbiased fashion. Many seem to see their religious beliefs as trumping all else, and will mostly accept much of the doctrine espoused even if they might have doubts about any of this. Those without any form of religious belief are in a much better position - being able to question and/or validate any particular viewpoint, even from religions, if they make sense.

 

[Mock Turtle]

Sexual abuse by man and older boy (seems I haven't mentioned this in the journal yet)

When I was aged about 10 or 11, I was sexually assaulted by a man whilst sat in a cinema, but before he could do more than just put his hand over my groin I made it clear I was upset about this and he left. I was seated in the seat but one from the end of a row. I had begun to have erections for a year or so, sometimes appearing without notice, so it took a little while to realise the man had his hand pressed over my groin, and slowly increasing the pressure - the coat he was carrying extended over my lap. When erections do occur unexpectedly, often one will ignore them or perhaps just enjoy them, and since it was in a dark cinema, I might just have let it happen. The feeling of gradual arousal and increasing pressure can be so enjoyable, but when it is produced by an unknown adult it is likely to produce concerns. Hence, I made it plain I was upset before he went further and began to masturbate me. Many seem to judge such incidents as deeply traumatic that might affect them for the rest of their lives but I don’t think this applied to me, and I just saw the incident as profoundly intrusive and annoying. It may not have been traumatic but it certainly was abusive, as was another experience detailed shortly.

This incident might shed light on how many paedophiles entice children into sexual behaviour, and relationships - commonly termed grooming these days. With many young boys no doubt, the feelings of sexual pleasure that usually comes from an erection is often such that the need for it to be sustained, or even concluded in an orgasm, will mean that little is done to end such pleasure. An adult paedophile will undoubtedly know this, and use this to their advantage so as to form a bond with the child. And, although many children will know that what is happening is wrong, as in my case, they may not have a sufficient sense of self so as to counter such attacks, for that is what they are. The same could be said for young girls no doubt as to their sexual arousal. Many paedophiles will probably rely on this giving of pleasure aspect so as to entice children into sexual relationships, the - you know you liked it - approach. The truth is that such abuse is intrusive and usually harmful for the child, and often leads to patterns of behaviour not apparent before such attacks - such as an increased likelihood of masturbation (above that normally seen in the young), which I think occurred in my case. If I had done nothing during the incident, the man would undoubtedly have progressed to masturbating me. Such are fantasies created, not of our own choosing often, and perhaps setting us on a path we might not have taken without such incidents happening.

I was sexually abused by an older boy (AC) when aged 11 or 12 on three occasions that I remember - he being a friend of my brother. My brother almost stopped me from getting involved - he and the boy each physically tugged at me - but my brother lost. Older brothers are supposed to look after younger siblings, but he clearly failed here, since he obviously knew I should not have gone with the boy. I don’t know how guilty my brother felt subsequently, but perhaps not half as much as the trauma I suffered in later years I suspect. This boy had become my friend too, and we often did things together, without my brother being present - such as letting a firework off, a rocket, and getting caught by the police, since it landed on a platform roof at a train station. As far as I can tell, the incidents with this boy and an incident in the cinema were the only sexual abuse that happened. I have no fuzzy memories of any others. I don’t know how my brother remembers this incident or how he feels about it since we have never discussed the matter at all. Perhaps it is not so vivid in his memory as it is in mine, but I suspect he doesn’t realise the rather drastic effect it had on me, and where his intervention at the time might have changed the course of my life. That is how I saw it later, the normal course of my life diverted by the perverted, and for such selfish reasons - a little sexual pleasure for the older boy. How much responsibility are we supposed to have on safeguarding our siblings, especially when my brother might have even provoked the abuse by mentioning my masturbating to this boy perhaps. I had probably started masturbating about age 10 - in the confines of my own bedroom, whilst my two older brothers shared a bedroom.

The sexual abuse by this older boy - regarded as abuse since it just suddenly occurred, with him simply taking advantage of my friendship with him - probably contributed to my doubts about myself and my sexuality, and also caused more mistrust of others in general. For a number of years I did entertain the thought that I might be homosexual until I finally realised I had no sexual feelings towards other males but did have a strong sexual attraction towards females. I think this episode perhaps did more to contribute to my introversion and avoidance than any other and made we avoid physical contact with other males because I was worried how I might react. It also set me into a pattern of behaviour probably for compulsive masturbation. What happened to me has also made we wonder if much the same experiences might actually affect whether one becomes homosexual subsequently, although the larger number of homosexuals might refute any possibility of this happening, and espousing the view that they are homosexual by nature alone. The evidence does tend to point towards homosexuality being something that one is born with, but I still keep an open mind as to other possibilities causing this too. If I had become homosexual I am pretty sure that the incidents of sexual abuse would have been a direct cause of this since there was nothing prior to this that indicated I had any sexual feelings towards other males.

All this occurred of course when homosexuality was illegal in the UK - made legal in 1967.

There is a theory that the first occasion of any particular experience, especially sexual, can often have a marked affect on us, and our future behaviour - sometimes being termed the prototype experience - can't find who advocated this theory though. This might happen when it occurs at a young age, and perhaps particularly when we are unprepared for such experiences. I think this did apply to me since I did tend to masturbate in ways recalling the situation and manner of my sexual abuse for some while after this. This was perhaps because the abuse was almost identical on two occasions, and the second being quite traumatic since we were discovered in the act - at an outdoor swimming pool. It was only in later years that I realised the price of my friendship with this older boy was his sexual abuse of me, and which is something that many children of my age at the time (about 11-12) will not understand fully, if at all. Children involved sexually with those older might just see the benefits of being in such a relationship and simply ignore other considerations, but essentially they are just being used, much like one uses a sex toy.

 

[Mock Turtle]

Some more low quality pics:

Me waiting to be carted off by helicopter from the Zinal Rothorn.

My yacht - no sailing for a few hours methinks.

My mother apparently, and her mother.

 

[Mock Turtle]

Liar, liar, pants on fire!

Probably quite appropriate that I used this as an avatar note at one time.

Some of you who have read my journal and been observant enough to notice what I have written, which probably means all, will have noticed an inconsistency - namely (and elsewhere too):

A friend died in a mountaineering accident and I became close to his wife and children. I might have been emotional and tearful before, but when one is so regarding others this does seem to make a big difference - I was with him when he died.

Although many of our outdoor activities were quite dangerous, especially mountaineering, and a few of my friends did have accidents which necessitated being rescued by helicopter, none of my close friends with whom I climbed had any such accidents - apart from myself breaking an ankle in a rather unlucky incident on one alpine mountain, which did also require the use of a helicopter.

Compared with many others, I seem to have been quite fortunate in not having any companions either being seriously injured or dying, as in my caving friend's case.

Oh dear!

Yes, the first bit - in the post concerning AvPD - was a sanitized version of what happened so as to enable the unblocking of my emotional nature. It did happen, but just not in the manner described. No one died, so some relief there perhaps.

The fact is that I am not prepared at the moment to reveal every little detail of my life and it would serve no good purpose. I am not used to lying so perhaps that is why I made an error here but I thought it best to post my experiences with AvPD as giving hope to any who do have this issue. I might have made errors elsewhere but they will be genuine mistakes if so, and as far as I can tell, this is the only deliberate untruth I have posted.

Apologies to all.

 

[Mock Turtle]

It's a black and white issue, mate!

Undoubtedly racism still exists for many, and in many parts of the UK, but I think it has become much less than it ever was, and rightly so. Racism might have been widespread in the past but TV programmes such as Till Death Us Do Part and The Germans episode of Fawlty Towers poked fun at such racist attitudes, so there were many who appreciated that much progress was possible, even if some missed the intentional humour and thought it a realistic portrayal of life.

When I was growing up it seemed that mixed marriages were still very much frowned upon, and a non-white male having a baby with a white English girl was a no-no for many, but these days no one blinks an eye at such partnerships. For all the hype about racial purity that many of the neo-Nazi organisations espouse, it seems that racial mixing ensures greater benefits for the robustness of the genes passed on, and fewer abnormalities resulting in any offspring.

The worries about religious encroachment that many have, or about changes to their neighbourhoods, should not be mistaken for plain old racism. The way that the various races are much more evenly viewed and treated might be seen by their appearances on TV, as much as any others probably. Even females seem to get less representation than other races on some TV media, and there is just as likely to be a winner from a non-white race as any other in some talent shows on TV.

As I have said, in my view at least, and having witnessed the changes over the years, racism may still be a problem but much less so than it ever was. I think that sport has probably played a major role in changes of attitude - hard not to see the superiority of some when they keep on winning, and of whatever colour or racial background. The numerous successes of many black music artists probably also had a huge impact on the lowering of racism.

As an indication of how the racial mix has changed in some areas, there were no non-whites as far as I can recall at my primary school, with one lad (from South America) in the class at secondary school. He was a nice boy and quite popular so I doubt he felt any racist attitudes towards him. He was also one of the few who had a girlfriend and with whom he was obviously having sex - unlike the rest of us. There was a mix of half a dozen non-whites joining us in the fifth year, taking GCEs I think - with one, an Indian girl, to whom I was quite attracted. The numbers of those not born in the UK has apparently quadrupled in London since I was born - up from about 9% to about 36% in 2015 - although this change is not really reflected elsewhere in the country.

I doubt racism will be totally eliminated but the changes I have seen over the decades has been quite encouraging.

 

[Mock Turtle]

What's on TV then?

Although I probably have become more easy-going over the years - not really uptight before though - I do seem to have abandoned viewing all TV Soaps, most violent dramas, and many of the teaser serials, that just appear to be there so that viewers will be regularly watching them. Many of them are interchangeable, don’t seem to have much purpose, other than keeping people watching, and are just there to fill up the TV schedules. Attempts to keep us watching seem to be more blatant than ever - witness the outrage felt by some regarding this episode of a drama when the verdict of the jury was chopped, and left to the following week - and which I guessed was going to happen:

'Why do you do this?' Broadchurch fans react to cliffhanger at end of penultimate episode

The penultimate episode of the ITV crime drama left fans on the edge of their seats as they patiently awaited to hear the jury's verdict. But before the appointed spokeswoman could utter a 'guilty' or 'not guilty' the show cut to the credits leaving viewers on a major cliffhanger. Fans immediately took to Twitter to vent their frustration.

The fact is that we are being manipulated much more these days than ever before by the media, usually quite cynically, and mostly so that we just continue viewing, regardless of the quality of the material being broadcast. If I sense this at all I just stop watching. The copycat game shows, food programmes, and reality TV shows, are also so predictable and banal. With the advent of so many new TV channels, the quality seems to have dropped considerably over the years. It is a real pleasure when a good TV programme sometimes pops up unexpectedly. Since there are many repeats shown however, one can often just watch many of these, since they were and still are worth watching.

Any TV series such as M*A*S*H will always be worth watching since they often contain so much universal and ageless humour. Whilst I think that TV in general has gone downhill over the decades - pandering to viewer figures more than anything else - there are still good programmes made, and these can be easily recognised from the dross. Wolf Hall being the former and The Ark being an example of the latter. I think that The Ark (yes, the biblical tale) was so bad it could only have been made by a closet atheist, laughing to himself, although some of the acting was quite good. It was apparently made by a card-carrying Christian, so if this is anything to go by, the atheists have nothing to fear about religion winning the battle for minds in the future.

Some have praised David Threlfall for his portrayal of Tommy Cooper, but I don’t remember Tommy as being so morose and mumbling on TV, and I think I watched all his shows, so I thought it was a rather grim portrayal rather than being totally accurate - a lot more Frank from Shameless. I eventually got fed up watching the shenanigans of stupid Frank in Shameless after Series 2 or 3. Joanne Whalley (another in The Ark) is a classy actress though. Banished wasn’t so bad, especially the casting and acting. It certainly kept my attention. TV programmes such as Goodnight Mister Tom and Edge of Darkness are examples of what constitutes good TV, as was Silk, starring Maxine Peake, one of my favourites actresses, who hardly puts a foot wrong with her acting. Some of the best TV seems to come from Europe - the series, The Returned, from France being one, and The Bridge, from Scandinavia, being another. With reference to the latter series, I’m still left wondering why no one has thought of making a Christmas special - Doc Martin meets Saga - now she would be one female to seriously rival Louisa!

I think that Soaps were where all the many Reality TV shows and the other more voyeuristic ones such as Big Brother have stemmed from, much to the detriment of normal life. Some of those on TV that I have enjoyed over the years include - Peter Cook & Dudley Moore, Harry Enfield, Al Murray, Frankie Boyle, Lee Mack, Les Dawson, Benny Hill, Frankie Howerd, Tommy Cooper, Billy Connolly, etc., along with many of the following programmes - That Was The Week That Was, Steptoe and Son, Till Death Us Do Part, The Fall and Rise of Reginald Perrin, Porridge, Rising Damp, Dad’s Army, Are You Being Served, Only Fools and Horses, Morecambe and Wise, The Two Ronnies, Fawlty Towers, Blackadder, Red Dwarf, The Fast Show, Not The Nine O’Clock News, Monty Python, Brass Eye, The Young Ones, Mock The Week, Have I Got News For You, The Day Today, The League of Gentlemen, A Bit of Fry and Laurie, QI, Alas Smith and Jones, ‘Allo ‘Allo!, Father Ted, etc.

In earlier times I, along with most in our family, will have listened to The Goon Show, Round the Horne, The Navy Lark, Hancock’s Half Hour, the on-going I’m Sorry I Haven’t a Clue (Humphrey Lyttleton was simply the best) and many other radio programmes. If I had to cite my favourite comedic TV performances, I would be hard-pressed to choose between Ronnie Barker in Porridge, Rowan Atkinson in Blackadder, and John Cleese in Fawlty Towers. All three had great supporting actors and scenarios as well to make each of these series so enjoyable. Those involved in the Blackadder series seem to have been the most talented and subsequently the most successful though.

Of modern TV, I quite enjoyed Skins and Fresh Meat. Programmes like Blitz Street, where they simulated the effects of bombing during World War II, and applicable elsewhere no doubt, are what we should be doing with TV rather than the endless mindless Game shows. With the BBC perhaps looking about for a sure-fire winner to grab audiences, surely a series showcasing British TV humour over the decades would fit the bill. After all, it is not as if we have been lacking in this respect, and much of the humour is still valid even after many decades, as the above list should show.

A more specialist TV programme, but quite enjoyable for an engineer or motoring enthusiast perhaps, is Wheeler Dealers, where oldish classic cars are often resurrected from their destiny on the scrapheap, or just brought back to proper life for many more years. The wide range of cars undergoing such treatment, for those so inclined, is interesting, and will bring back memories for all of us who have done anything similar. Even relatively modern cars, with all the electronics and computers now installed, can often be worked on by amateurs, and a profit made if doing this for business. I certainly enjoy this series. Although the standard of workmanship tends to be quite good on the programme, such that all repairs and upgrading are safe, this will not necessarily be the case for the work of many amateurs.

For most of my car ownership, I did all the maintenance and any repairs necessary, and although I generally did a good job, one repair was just to get me through an MOT test - which it did. This consisted of filling a large rust hole in a box-section chassis member with a chunk of wood, glass-fibre being used to bond it in place, and grease and dirt used to cover it all up. Since it looked much like the rest it apparently was sufficiently for the tester, but he should have checked more carefully - where was his magnet?

 

[Mock Turtle]

I will not tolerate such behaviour!

Looking back on the past, it seems almost inevitable that those older will have less tolerance for some things, having experienced and seen so much more during their lives, and so it is with myself. I seem to have a problem with Scousers, probably quite irrationally, having less inclination for listening to them warbling on than most other accents, and this might be down to age. As much as I love French or other foreign accents, I almost hate the Scouse accent, perhaps because I find many to be so arrogant and pushy, or depicted so, and I quite like most other accents. I mean, I like the Scots, the Irish, the Welsh, Geordies, the West Country quite a lot, even Brummies, but Scousers can do my head in. I think perhaps the Beatles have a lot to answer for in this regard, many seeing them as the foundations of much of Pop music - in the UK at least. Harry Enfield’s comic impressions in The Scousers also might have had an affect, even if they were not entirely accurate (although very funny), but it was probably watching too much of Brookside on TV, when I was only really interested in seeing Gillian Kearney (and Anna Friel), and having to put up with so many more miserable Scousers. I am hardly alone with my intolerance of Scousers - this article from February 2015, and a comment excerpt:

Why does everyone think it's OK to slag off Scousers?

If Chris Moss's 'defence' of Liverpudlians is suppose to undermine the myth that Scousers are the perpetually aggrieved who wallow in a permanent sense of victimhood and can be whipped into a frenzy by the latest p1ss-take then he has failed.

Cilla Black was just another Pop singer to me (and Scouser), but I can see why she was so popular as a presenter - like one of the characters in the TV series Sharpe, she seems to have had a permanent smile given to her along with her nose-job - but she was loved probably because she did seem to be quite a nice and genuine person - but what do I know? She seemed to have rather too much attention and coverage after she died, particularly her funeral, and rather reminiscent of Princess Diana. Who wants Cliff Richard and Buck Tarbrush (the amusing Porridge incident) as camp followers? And the public are easily fooled (or have low expectations) - again, we only have to look at Princess Diana to see this. Audrey Hepburn was a beauty and a beautiful person, quite easily seen, but Diana? The same probably goes for Terry Wogan, who seemed quite genuine and probably had few enemies, providing an example of how to be comfortable with oneself. Paul O’Grady I quite like, and possibly he redeems all the other Scousers who annoy me.

I’m not sure how accurate the following survey is, but I seem to be reasonably in-line, apart from placing Liverpudlian last rather than Brummie, and perhaps Glaswegian a little lower since it is often difficult to decipher - although born in London, Cockney can still grate - as does the Essex accent of someone like Jamie Oliver and others who seem to parade it as if it was the bee’s knees - (points scored):

These are the accents we find the most and least attractive

Most attractive accents in the British Isles - 1. Southern Irish (42), 2. Received Pronunciation (31), 3. Welsh (20), 4. Yorkshire (15), 5. West Country (13), and the least attractive - 5. Glaswegian (-29), 4. Cockney (London) (-30), 3. Mancunian (-31), 2. Liverpudlian (-33), 1. Brummie (-53).

I think my reason for liking some accents, such as Irish, Welsh, French, Italian, Spanish, etc., will be similar to many - that they sound so musical or lilting, and not so grating on the ear, unlike many, for example, German, where only singing in this language would make it less of an issue. Welsh I might be more partial to since I have relatives living there and they used to visit quite a bit when younger. I had an Irish girlfriend once, and have been to Ireland many times too. Similarly, I have visited France many times. The Americans apparently find the Glaswegian accent to be the sexiest, but what do they know! I also find the Bristol and York accents particularly pleasing. Being English, it’s a bit odd really, how we often find our closest neighbours, the Welsh, Irish, Scots, and French to have the most pleasant accents when we were often at war with them, especially the French, and where grudges felt do seem to survive to the present day - for many Scots at least.

If some voices alone, regardless of accent, irritated beyond endurance it would have to be: Maggie Thatcher (stilted - as if she had the neck of a giraffe, with the voice struggling all the way to get out from her inner self - I suspect she did think herself superior to all others, even the Queen perhaps, who she probably reluctantly deferred to); William Haigh (condescending); Will Self (monotonous - but I love his anecdote of children chanting ‘Self-ish! Self-ish!’ at him during primary school, which he was of course - witty or not it is just typical of kids); Brian Sewell (affected - but at least he recognised Princess Diana for what she was); Robert Peston (whiney); and Neil Nunes (inappropriate - a BBC radio announcer, he came top in one poll of least-liked radio voices apparently - great for Othello, but not OK for news where the message is more important than the messenger) - Ugg!, can’t stand listening to any of them. First thought when any of them died - Great! Another ing awful voice I don't have to listen to any more. Will Self - I'm waiting! Here are just some of the words he used in one article - frass (debris or excrement produced by insects), farouche (wild), suzerainty (overlordship), simulacra (image, representation), and valetudinarian (a person of a weak or sickly constitution) - only three of which my spell-checker knew.

One suspects that when people use such words they really do like the sound of their own voice too much! Since he can’t even break a smoking habit that easily, I don’t give him much esteem, much as David Hockney - another champion of smokers. An exception to the Geordies that I usually don’t find unattractive is the voice on Big Brother, where mostly it is just his deliberate affected delivery that I can’t stand - I could quite easily watch him being guillotined. Those celebrities that generally inspire me to switch to another channel are - Davina McCall, Claudia Winkelman, James Corden, etc., who make up for the voice in having annoying mannerisms instead - perhaps just being egotistical gobsh1tes in the case of the McCall-Winkelman duo. Jason Bradbury is another who has made me stop watching a TV programme, in this case The Gadget Show. A more egotistical, arrogant presenter would be hard to find - apart from Chris Evans of course.

I sometimes have issues with Roger Scruton (a philosopher), but I tend to agree with his views here:

Why it's time to turn the music off

Pop pollution has an effect on musical appreciation comparable to pornography on sex. All that is beautiful, special and full of love is replaced by a grinding mechanism. Just as porn addicts lose the capacity for real sexual love, so do pop addicts lose the capacity for genuine musical experience.

I think Pop music, and perhaps the more popular TV output of Soaps, Reality TV shows, and such (more so the internet perhaps though), is much as Huxley envisioned soma to be, but perhaps in its diluted form - that which keeps the populace in submission so that there will be little discord towards their oppressors - the government, the more powerful, and/or wealthy - their real names. I’m sure much of my distaste for popular culture - the music, the media, sport, etc. - will come across as just facile and snobbish, but like many I would think, these do tend to grate so much that they seem to have no place ever allocated in my memory or consciousness for them, and if they ever did so then they would be forcefully evicting something much more worthwhile.

 

[Mock Turtle]

Back in the USSR/USA

I have never been to the USA, although there are many places I would like to visit. I did manage to (just) pass their citizenship test, which was a surprise since I don’t take that much interest in all things American, and which possibly resulted from some good guessing and my knowledge of relatively recent history. Just as the Cold War between the USA and the USSR dominated much of my early life, with the competing ideologies of how societies should exist perhaps being the extremes of what might be more sensible, I tended to favour those ideals that have evolved in much of continental Europe, and being more socialist inclined. I was perhaps like many in the 1960s and 1970s, not attached to any particular ideology, but critical of anything that just seemed too extreme and not helpful to humankind as a whole.

Although I might have sympathised with CND (the Campaign for Nuclear Disarmament), and with ending the tensions between the Eastern Bloc and the West, I didn’t join in any protests, since I didn’t believe these would have any affect on disarmament, and it appears that I was correct in this belief. The collapse of communism in the USSR might be attributed to many things, but I don’t think that what we did in the West had that much of an influence, and certainly not CND. It probably occurred because of internal and economic factors more than anything else. If any thought that the collapse of communism in the USSR would lead to the end of the Cold War and that Russia would inevitably following the Western way, becoming more democratic and peaceful, they perhaps have been sadly mistaken.

I think that many in the USA and in Russia display the same symptoms of insecurity (perhaps imbued by their love of competition in the former) - often shown in their belief that might is right, whether that be as a macho individual or in projecting images of their countries as being strong and invulnerable. Whereas the USA can do the latter, since it has been the pre-eminent powerful nation for decades, Russia mainly just blusters and threatens now, although undoubtedly some within the country would like to see Russia as being more powerful (or feared), and according with how they see themselves - which is often at odds with how outsiders see Russia. If Russia had become more economically powerful, as China has become, then perhaps we would see a difference, but of course China is a very different country. The illegal annexation of Crimea and their military forays into countries on their borders hardly helps any image that Russia wishes to project other than being belligerent. The human rights (regarding sexual freedoms) of Russia is compared with others in the rest of Europe in the map below:

The most progressive countries in Europe for LGBTI equality

With Putin having been effectively in charge for the last 18 years, they mostly still have a dictatorship. Putin’s credibility is being strained to the utmost these days, with things like the illegal annexation of the Crimea, denial of Russian troop involvement in the Ukraine, assertions that MH17 was downed by anti-Russian agents rather than by the pro-Russian rebels, the deaths of (or attempts to kill) many deemed as potential or real threats to Russian (or Putin’s) interests, and the numerous pro-Russian commentators on-line putting their particular bias whenever they can. Few in the West will believe anything other than Putin being a bully and ruthless leader, who will do almost anything in his mission to regain what the USSR once had, but not by consensus, and which is why he is perhaps so dangerous. Putin saying that Sepp Blatter deserves the Nobel prize might seem a little amusing, but it would be even funnier if it was the other way around.

The Orwellian ‘troll factories’ spouting pro-Kremlin propaganda (from March, 2015)

Hundreds of workers are paid around £500 a month and required to write at least 135 comments per day - or face immediate dismissal. They are the online army of pro-Kremlin commentators familiar to anyone who dares read below the line on web articles about Russia. Now one former foot soldier has broken ranks to expose the Orwellian ‘troll factories’ where state-sponsored employees work 12-hour shifts posting pro-Putin propaganda on news and social media websites. St Petersburg blogger Marat Burkhard lifted the lid on the 24/7 life in an unassuming four-storey modern building he compared to the Ministry of Truth from George Orwell’s 1984. Hundreds of workers are paid above-average salaries of around £500 a month and required to write at least 135 comments per day - or face immediate dismissal. The repressive system’s strict rules and regulations include no laughing and fines for being a minute late. Friendship is frowned upon. Asked if he agreed it sounded like something from Orwell’s dystopian classic novel Mr Burkhard said: “Yes, that’s right, the Ministry of Truth. You work in the Ministry of Truth, which is the Ministry of Lies, and everyone kind of believes in this truth. Yes, you’re right, it’s Orwell.”

The structure is simple. Once a story has been published on a local news forum the troll army goes to work by dividing into teams of three: one plays the ‘villain’ criticising the authorities with the other two debate with him and support government officials. One of the pro-Kremlin pair needs to provide a graphic or image that fits in the context and the other posts a link to some content that supports his argument. “You see? Villain, picture, link,” Mr Burkhard told Radio Free Europe/Radio Liberty. “So in this way our little threesome traverses the country, stopping at every forum, starting with Kaliningrad and ending in Vladivostok. We create the illusion of actual activity on these forums. We write something, we answer each other. There are keywords, tags, that are needed for search engines. We’re given five keywords – for example ‘defence minister’ or ‘Russian army’. All three of us have to make sure these keywords appear all over the place in our comments”.

 

[Mock Turtle]

The future awaits

The book, The Circle by Dave Eggers, which perhaps does has several faults, brings many of the concerns we might have about any future societies all together in one book, many of which are not so far off on the horizon. The book is really about these concerns, and should not be read as any other novel. Many aspects are just exaggerated beyond reason to highlight this (counting the grains of sand in the Sahara desert - a Sisyphean task!), plus the characterisation, which is admittedly thin, but this is surely so that the actual message gets through rather than any other. The book is didactic but the message is clear and we should take heed of the message given - in any future society, do we want individualism or conformity and control to dominate?

I am glad to see that it is not only myself who sees the fact that because someone works in the financial sector, this does not mean that they are entitled to any more pay or perks than anyone else, even when the incentive is taken into account. What a way to run a society. But then that is what capitalism in its purist form seems to allow, especially when the controls are absent to encourage growth. Apparently it is not the work that one does these days, it is purely the amount of money one makes for the company, or what is assessed as such. Do we really want to see the vast disparities in income and wealth that just seems inevitable with the free market approach - I certainly don’t. I believe that it tends to cause more friction between the different strata of society, tends to cause those having wealth to look down on those with less wealth, and often provokes many to crimes which may not have happened in a fairer society. We seem to be turning back the clock to the Victorian era in many ways, and wealth inequality is just one of them. This, from an article dated September 2014:

How the super rich got richer: 10 shocking facts about inequality

It is very hard to justify your huge wealth unless you see people beneath you as less deserving. Once the wealth gaps become very large, it is easier to get through the day if you see them as less able, less special. When earlier this month the civil society minister Brooks Newmark told people involved in charities that they should “stick to their knitting” rather than concern themselves with what might be causing the problems they were trying to remedy, he was exhibiting just such a “don’t worry your pretty little head” attitude. At the extreme, the less fortunate may not be seen as people at all. That was the finding of a study from Princeton University in which MRI scans were taken of several university student’s active brains while they viewed images of different people. Researchers saw that photographs of homeless people and drug addicts failed to stimulate areas of the brain that usually activate whenever people think about other people, or themselves. Instead, the (mostly affluent) students reacted to the images as if they “had stumbled on a pile of trash”.

We can see the rising dissent and anger and the changing of attitudes towards the rich, but not the precise event that will come to be labelled as the turning point, just as we could not a century ago. But it is coming. We may even have passed it. Note how pay at the top of the BBC has fallen, and that no banker today is paid what Bob Diamond received a few years ago. The language and moral sentiment is changing. By being angry and disgusted with the current extent of inequality, we make it unacceptable, and its defenders become pariahs. Gross economic inequality is as vile as racism, misogyny and hatred of the disabled; as damaging in effect; and as dependent on a small group of supporters who believe that just a few should have more and more and more, because they’re worth it.

This is the same Brooks Newmark who resigned as a government minister after sending explicit X-rated images to a young woman, even though he was married with five children.

 

[Mock Turtle]

It could be (a lot) worse

A friend at work, who was a really nice bloke, made a possibly very costly error one time. He was at a quiet bus stop with his girlfriend late one evening. She was getting the bus home, and they apparently got into a blazing row. He had enough and walked off leaving her. Later, he had second thoughts about leaving her alone, and as his temper subsided, he knew he had to go back. It was fortunate he did so, since when he returned, he discovered his girlfriend about to be raped by a man who had come along shortly afterwards. He managed to scare him off, but if he had been a minute or two later then his girlfriend would have been raped. He learnt a lesson that night, as many might, that females are often not safe at night, even in the UK.

On the Land's End to John O'Groats cycle ride, my companion and I were cycling up a fairly steep straight narrow country lane towards our destination, a Youth Hostel - not abreast I should add. A long empty low-loader lorry decided to overtake us without warning. He crawled past us with less than a foot gap between his lorry and us. It was extremely difficult to keep the bike straight, as anyone who has cycled up a steep hill knows, and the option to stop by then was not even safe. His driving was just psychotic and lethal since it would have only taken a nudge and either myself or my friend would have been under his wheels. It seemed to be an eternity as he crawled past us. My friend and I were both furious. I don’t know what the driver was thinking, but perhaps he thought that he had an inherent right of way over us cyclists and damn the consequences. On a second occasion, again on a quiet country road, I stopped on a small single-track hump-backed bridge to peer into the stream below. A milk lorry, with no warning, just came thundering through, so that I had a few seconds to get my bike and myself out of his way, being missed by inches this time. Perhaps it was stupid to stop at such a location, but it was potentially murderous to do what he did. Many of these drivers seem to behave like psychopaths, doing this purely because they can - their word against others - until eventually they do actually cause a death and probably come to justice.

On one sailing holiday, where we set foot on the Isle of Mull, a few set off to climb the local highpoint, Ben More (being a Munro too), so we were anchored somewhere in Loch Scridain presumably. When the walkers returned to get the dinghy back to the yacht, one of our number slipped on the rocks close to the edge, such that he fell flat on his face on the wet rock. He was a bit peeved of course, but his expression changed to panic as he suddenly realised that a big wave was about to break over him. Things could indeed get worse. He soon got up. And we all laughed, watching this happen.

Once, when I had not used my car for some time, such that the MOT was out-of-date, as was the tax paid, I had need to transfer some belongings to my new residence - so just one use of the car. What I did was to alter the Tax disc so as for it to appear to be current, by a little bit of forgery, from April to August (I think). Unfortunately, I was stopped by a routine police check point. The police officer looked at the Tax disc (from a distance), and before he could frame the obvious question (why it was a different colour than it should have been), I said, 'Yeah, it fell into some alkali'. Oh, how lucky was I, but quick-thinking too it appears. (Disclaimer: This must be regarded as fiction or at least embellishment since I would never, of course, break the law)

And I've already mentioned two instances earlier where death beckoned - those could have been very much worse.

Apart from one accident whilst mountaineering, I have never been clumsy throughout most of my walking and mountaineering, or caving, but in later life I seemed to have done exactly that - so I gave up before it became a habit.

There was a lot more playing around with fireworks in my youth than there is now, since many then were extremely anti-social with little thought for others. Whilst the game we knew as knock down ginger - knocking on an unknown person’s door and running away - was relatively harmless, if certainly annoying, popping a banger (firework) through the letterbox was rather more dangerous and might have caused a fire or other damage, apart from the possibility of giving someone a heart attack. As always, children will often fail to understand the consequences of their actions, perhaps simply being unable to place themselves in the position of any adults, especially the elderly. On some waste ground once, I can remember two boys standing several metres apart having a duel with some Roman candles, the type of firework that emit small bangers every few seconds that then explode. I believe battles with rockets were also carried out by some, but at a greater distance hopefully if one had more than a few brain cells.

On another occasion, someone threw an almost empty petrol can on a fire, but he at least gave a warning, which we all heeded and scarpered before it inevitably exploded. I must have had an inquisitive mind, and been lucky perhaps, judging by the previous account of my playing with fireworks - I also filched the ingredients for gunpowder from school to make my own. I think I was given a chemistry set as a present when young, and I seemed to have acquired much of the usual chemistry equipment over time - to what purpose I don’t know, since I can’t remember using this for anything in particular. I had most of the normal bits as well as a Liebig condenser and something that might have been a fractional distillation column, perhaps a simple Wurtz type. Judging by some of the comments on the internet, my efforts to kill or main myself were relatively tame, since many dangerous chemicals were available from chemists quite readily then.

As a teenager, I had a near-miss involving a possible fall, when I was walking along the cliffs at the Isle of Wight. I had gone down a small step in the cliff and was climbing back up to the top when I fell back down. Fortunately I didn’t go any further, but I did damage the telescope I was carrying - it had been fully extended - rather foolish of me, and it was the best one of the three I owned. But less of a problem than the other cliff incident.

On one occasion abroad, I suffered badly from eating the toxic parts of a fresh barracuda that was cooked for us. I knew as soon as I swallowed the bitter-tasting bit that it was probably not good for me, but it was not until later that I found out how bad. In the evening I felt nauseous, and passed out after making myself sick. I was shivering and must have looked very grey. I just felt terrible. I have had food poisoning quite a few times, and so I recognised the symptoms, but I was quite recovered by the morning fortunately. I might have been lucky with the fish eaten, since reef fish like barracuda are prone to be the source of ciguatera poisoning, which can be quite serious. It is more so because the toxins in the fish do not affect the colour, taste, or smell, so that there is no easy way to know if any particular fish is infected or not, and cooking will not destroy the toxins. I found out later that because of ciguatera, the eating of barracudas is generally inadvisable, especially the larger ones. Since we all ate the fish, and only I was sick, it seems that I did eat some part that should not have been served, possibly the liver, and it probably wasn’t actually ciguatera poisoning fortunately.

Apart from one sea snake seen abroad, possibly a krait, I haven't come across too much danger from that direction, although I did nearly tread on a scorpion fish once, in Greece I believe. And it was here too that I found a rat curled up in an unused fleece sleeping bag. I did have to endure a typhoon once though after our ferry was cancelled - probably very wisely too. (not in Greece of course)

Also on this holiday to Greece, I had been snorkelling on my own in a quiet bay (no boats about), often diving quite deep, 30 or 40 feet, and on one occasion I saw a speedboat go hurtling along above me. It was quite disconcerting, and I might have ended up similarly to Kirsty MacColl - such a tragic end to a lovely singer.

 

[Mock Turtle]

[GALLERY=media, 8521]Img020a - Copy by Mock Turtle posted May 8, 2018 at 3:11 PM[/GALLERY]

[GALLERY=media, 8519]Img015a - Copy by Mock Turtle posted May 8, 2018 at 3:11 PM[/GALLERY]

Both of these are probably from Mont Blanc, but possibly not. Lots of people about on many mountains, and Mont Blanc would usually be like this on some sections.

[GALLERY=media, 8520]Img017a - Copy by Mock Turtle posted May 8, 2018 at 3:11 PM[/GALLERY]

This one isn't though, probably the Mönch. This appears to be approaching the summit looking back, and perhaps shows why so many of us love mountaineering, emerging above the clouds. (slide showing signs of age)

[GALLERY=media, 8518]Img014a - Copy by Mock Turtle posted May 8, 2018 at 3:11 PM[/GALLERY]

Not sure where this was.

[GALLERY=media, 8517]Img013a - Copy by Mock Turtle posted May 8, 2018 at 3:11 PM[/GALLERY]

At an airshow - probably Duxford.

 

[Mock Turtle]

[GALLERY=media, 8522]Img018 - Copy by Mock Turtle posted May 8, 2018 at 3:31 PM[/GALLERY]

My Merlin Rocket.

 

[Mock Turtle]

Shoes - not really necessary - notice the difference? An uncontacted tribe when this photograph was taken - from a small plane or helicopter I believe.

 

[Mock Turtle]

Another beautiful car - have only ever seen one of these - in London (in the 1960s).

 

[Mock Turtle]

This was a typical attraction for kids in the 1950s - and a lot more fun than a silly old gameboy.

 

[Mock Turtle]

SS Jaguar 100 from the late 1930s.

Riley Sprite (or Imp), I think, and from the late 1930s too.