What do your beliefs say about death?

[Twilight Hue]

I used to think about death all the time, from my pre-teens to my thirtys. But people didn't want to talk about it. When I'd bring up the subject, I'd be told it wasn't healthy to dwell on death, or it wasn't normal, it was an inappropriate subject of conversation,... only weirdos obsessed on it. No one wanted to hear about it, so I kept my thoughts to myself.

I was once very afraid of dying, but I reasoned my way through it and no longer was. I told myself, if I cease to exist when my body dies I'll be dead, but I won't know it; I won't feel anything,...ok. OR, I won't cease to exist when my body dies,...Hooray! There's nothing to fear; It's a win either way!

I've had no fear of death ever since.

Or so I've thought.

Then unexpectedly, a month ago, I was diagnosed with having Stage 4 metastasizing lung cancer - it has a ZERO percent survival rate - They tell me I have few months, "maybe more", to live. So I'm in hospice care/in home now, getting dosed with enough morphine to keep 6 horses happy.

Yet I can't seem to grasp that I'm dying. It's too unreal and inconceivable to take seriously.

Meanwhile, 3 weeks of my "few months" have already gone by.

I can relate with the experience. Things do take on a surreal quality. Time slows down a bit like life is just a waking dream or something except no thought is involved.

I guess it can be best described as "drifting" between states of mind. When things suddenly went black once my heart slowed down under 40 bpm, I didn't even have time to think something was immediately wrong. Death wasn't as frightening afterwards in consideration it's something we all will face with certainty. I'm better prepared now that I know what to expect in certain terms.