Why do people stay in abusive relationships?

[Autodidact]

Correct me if I'm wrong, but before weren't you jst saying that leaving the relationship isn't a good idea?

No. What I'm saying is that when she hasn't left, she is probably taking into account the very real danger in leaving, and not staying because she has low self-esteem or doesn't care what kind of example she sets for her kids.

In the long run, it is usually better to go, but to plan ahead and make a clean escape.

Not only that, but I still believe the best thing to do is leave. Don't forget that people can be killed whilst still in the relationship.

They can, but statistics show that the most dangerous time is separation.

However, in the long-term, perhaps we need to revise our societies attitudes to having a relationship, and emphasize the importance of independence and consideration for other people/the partner? I dunno.

I think we need to reduce our tolerance for violence within domestic relationships.

 

[Autodidact]

Yeah that's another point, if you've got kids then you gotta get out ASAP, no kid wants to have to see Daddy opening up a can of Whoop-asssss on Mummy, on a regular basis, and then presume it's just "normal".

Then again, we had a case in Colorado Springs where the abused wife had a restraining order that prohibited the perpetrator from contacting her, but gave him parenting time with the kids. He put them in the truck and proceeded to commit suicide by cop by driving into the police station, killing all the kids. So you have to take into account the real danger to the children as well.

 

[Kimberlee]

Wow, what a great story and I am so glad you got out of that fairly early in the relationship!

Would you say then that having the responsibility of the child is what finally gave you the strength to get out? Or was it realizing that you had strengths that would allow you to make it away from him? Or both?

I would say both... and I hate to say this but the hatred that I developed for him because of the way he treated me helped to. I did love him and thought that I could change him to become a better person but he just kept on and on at me untill I got to were my love for him turned to hate for him. I dunno im just glad I don't have to deal with the SOB anymore

 

[Aquitaine]

Then again, we had a case in Colorado Springs where the abused wife had a restraining order that prohibited the perpetrator from contacting her, but gave him parenting time with the kids. He put them in the truck and proceeded to commit suicide by cop by driving into the police station, killing all the kids. So you have to take into account the real danger to the children as well.

Damn.

Not only that but I'd imagine that there are a lot of cases where a perfectly tolerant or unabusive partner gets left, and then...... snaps..... and plans something horrendous that was totally unexpected.

Atleast with abusive partners, the Law could recognise him being abusive and deny him the right to see his kids etc. But as I said I bet there's plenty of partners who were nice, but the relationship didn't work - get's separated and just snaps. For that, I don't think there is any real solution.

As for societies attitudes, yeah violence along with other selfish/unreasonable attitudes/aspects need to be condemned, and I guess we need to be brought up with stronger convictions against such things?

 

[Kimberlee]

Then again, we had a case in Colorado Springs where the abused wife had a restraining order that prohibited the perpetrator from contacting her, but gave him parenting time with the kids. He put them in the truck and proceeded to commit suicide by cop by driving into the police station, killing all the kids. So you have to take into account the real danger to the children as well.

when I got my restraining order it went for my daughter as well so the judge told me that automatically gave me full custody of her.

 

[Kilgore Trout]

I'm not giving advice. I'm just pointing out that women stay in abusive relationships for very legitimate reasons.

Ah, I misinterpreted. I thought you were saying that it was better to stay in an abusive relationship because of the danger of getting out.

On the whole, and in my experience, I'd still say the majority of people in abusive relationships stay in the relationship for the same reason people stay in any other relationship, bad or good - what they're getting from the relationship outweighs the negatives, from their perspective.

 

[Autodidact]

Ah, I misinterpreted. I thought you were saying that it was better to stay in an abusive relationship because of the danger of getting out.

On the whole, and in my experience, I'd still say the majority of people in abusive relationships stay in the relationship for the same reason people stay in any other relationship, bad or good - what they're getting from the relationship outweighs the negatives, from their perspective.

Yes, taking into account that one of the negatives is the danger of being murdered.

 

[Kilgore Trout]

Yes, taking into account that one of the negatives is the danger of being murdered.

In case it wasn't clear, I was speaking of circumstances where that isn't applicable. But, certainly, it would also apply in those cases, albeit, contextually different.

 

[DallasApple]

Some people.IMHO stay in abusive relationships because they realize the abuse might be worse or egual to what they are experiencing already but by others..Their options are slim.So they weigh it like you measure gold on a measuring instrument where it tilts slightly to the left or right and they pick the best option.

Plus there is something defeating about admitting that you are abused and need help.It makes you extremely vulnerable to "do-gooders"....Whom you cant trust because they know everything.And want to take control over your life..

Love

Dallas

 

[Kathryn]

Some people stay in abusive situations because they are more comfortable with the KNOWN (even if it's bad) than the (often exxagerated) UNKNOWNS. They'd rather stay where it's bad but they know the ropes rather than risk something that in their minds may be worse (and it may be, but usually it's better to leave an abusive relationship than stay in it).

The truth is - lots of people stay in abusive relationships, like someone else here said, because they are getting something out of it.

I think that anyone in such a relationship needs to really, really look at things as objectively as possible, including asking themselves the question, "What am I getting out of staying here?"

Not "Am I getting something out of it," because they are - the question is, "What?" Is it financial security, avoidance of shame (by admitting they've failed at marriage), the promise that things will get better "when," or "if," an intact marriage, social standing, etc?

Maybe not - but it would be advantageous to really hunker down and be realistic about the options - and the motivations - of all parties.

 

[uu_sage]

People I believe decide to remain in abusive or controlling relationships for a myriad of reasons including but not limited to:
1. a feeling of powerlessness and of uncertainty not knowing how to move from their present situation.
2. a fear that if they decide to leave or get help, their abusive or controlling half may retaliate or do something terrible to them.
3. they are staying for the children and it's hard being a single parent with children
4. a working assumption that they are able to change even when it seems they are hesitant to change.
5.the partner being abused has thoughts of, "they still love me" even when acts of abuse and mistreatment are perpetrated.
6. the controlling or abusive partner is unwilling to change, to get counseling, or professional help.
7. the controlling or abusive partner is territorial and thus will do anything to keep their partner.
8. the controlling or abusive partner makes claims of absolute certainty and are incapable of error.

I know these experiences firsthand because my current girlfriend was mistreated and verbally and physically abused in a prior relationship. When we first got together, I had to comfort her and and show her my eternal, undying, and unconditional love and devotion to her.

 

[Sunstone]

Some people in abusive relationships simply don't realize abuse is wrong -- or at least they don't realize the severity of the abuse they are experiencing. For instance, some people don't think they are being abused unless they are being physically abused.

 

[Kathryn]

Sunstone, good point! And so often abusers break their victim mentally before they actually assault them physically.

They prey on people they determine are weak, susceptible to their emotional manipulations beforehand.

With that in mind, question for the thread:

What do you think are some of the danger signals in a relationship - signals that point to the probability of future abuse?

 

[Renji]

I'm curious to hear why others think that so many people stay in abusive relationships.

I know that there are lots of reasons given, but what is the CORE reason?

Now let me clarify this - I'm not talking about Third World scenarios, or situations that are so pathetic that there truly is no escape. I am talking about average people in Western countries - people who have the means and ability to leave, but choose instead to stay.

I am most interested in hearing from those of you who were in abusive situations but chose to leave. What kept you there for the short haul and what made you finally leave?

After you made the break, did you enter into another abusive relationship, or have you succeeded in breaking that cycle?

hi! We are assigned to interview families and give advices when they have problems. I encountered a woman who remarried a man because his 1st husband abused her. It took her a lot of years to divorce her husband. When i asked her why it it took her a lot of years, she said, "Once you love a person too much, it makes you blind and numb. Blind because you will not see the wrong things that a person do to you. You are also numb because you will just ignore everything bad that person do to you." In conclusion, the feeling of being attached and strong emotion towards a person makes it hard for persons to leave an abusive relationship (case to case basis but this can apply in majority of people)