I am not an Atheist let me start off by saying. I believe in an afterlife, I don't believe in God anymore at all. I was always on and off about the existence of God, not closed minded at all....I even prayed from time to time. Here is my story:
I have always had a hard life since birth basically. This isn't a sob story, this is just some info on my past. Last week something devastating happened to me, it was the final straw. I won't get into details but it was/is very traumatic for me. I cried longer/harder than I have in my life and it was the first time I really really wanted to die. I am a strong person and I have dealt with a lot, but this was the ONLY thing I had left in my life.
After about a full day/night of sobbing in bed, I woke up and got desperate. I started to pray. I prayed like I have never prayed before. I prayed for a miracle and that God would help me and not let this nightmare be true (nobody died so I wasn't asking for someone to come back to life or anything impossible). I began to read up on religions.. yes me, someone who was always against bible belts. I began to meditate, pray NON stop..I literally prayed probably hundreds of times within one week alone. Long heart felt prayers. Not just asking him to help me and nothing more. I promised I would change my ways, I would become more spiritual..I would pray every single day of my life, I would do anything...if he please just helped me. For the first time I felt close to "God".
Inside I felt like I had changed, I began to believe "God" would actually help me. I felt positive, I felt spiritual and connected to "God". I prayed to him, I wrote to him, I talked to him and told him everything. I even apologized for every sin I have ever committed. I was fully prepared to be a spiritual person, and to change my ways. I felt things were going good and God was going to give me a chance. Today I took a huge blow.
God did NOT do a damn thing to help me. God officially let my misery come true. After everything I have been through, he took the one thing I had away from me. After my prayers, after I felt how much I had changed, after everything was going well. I was fooled. I tricked myself into believing there was a "God" helping me. That I was actually talking to someone who cared about me and was going to help me if I prayed hard enough, repented my sins and changed my ways. I believed that "God" was there. He was NEVER there.
Now I feel broken, I feel dead inside. I have lost every single thing that meant something to me in my life. The odd thing is, I am not only talking about what happened to me. I lost "God" too. I felt like he was a friend for the first time, I felt like I could get help from him. I turned to this invisible being and I did every single thing I could to get help from him. There is no God. I am so beyond sick of people making excuses saying "God works in mysterious ways". I am also sick of people saying "If it wasn't in God's will, it won't happen." That is an EXCUSE. That is something you say when your prayers don't come true, and when they consequently do...it's all "praise God".
I don't care what you all believe I am not in any way trying to convince you to believe what I do. But now I am positive there is NO God. This was the final straw. I am done trying to convince myself that something exists when I have absolutely nothing in my life to show me he does. No God would be this cruel. There are coincidences in life and there is luck.
I have always had a hard life since birth basically. This isn't a sob story, this is just some info on my past. Last week something devastating happened to me, it was the final straw. I won't get into details but it was/is very traumatic for me. I cried longer/harder than I have in my life and it was the first time I really really wanted to die. I am a strong person and I have dealt with a lot, but this was the ONLY thing I had left in my life.
After about a full day/night of sobbing in bed, I woke up and got desperate. I started to pray. I prayed like I have never prayed before. I prayed for a miracle and that God would help me and not let this nightmare be true (nobody died so I wasn't asking for someone to come back to life or anything impossible). I began to read up on religions.. yes me, someone who was always against bible belts. I began to meditate, pray NON stop..I literally prayed probably hundreds of times within one week alone. Long heart felt prayers. Not just asking him to help me and nothing more. I promised I would change my ways, I would become more spiritual..I would pray every single day of my life, I would do anything...if he please just helped me. For the first time I felt close to "God".
Inside I felt like I had changed, I began to believe "God" would actually help me. I felt positive, I felt spiritual and connected to "God". I prayed to him, I wrote to him, I talked to him and told him everything. I even apologized for every sin I have ever committed. I was fully prepared to be a spiritual person, and to change my ways. I felt things were going good and God was going to give me a chance. Today I took a huge blow.
God did NOT do a damn thing to help me. God officially let my misery come true. After everything I have been through, he took the one thing I had away from me. After my prayers, after I felt how much I had changed, after everything was going well. I was fooled. I tricked myself into believing there was a "God" helping me. That I was actually talking to someone who cared about me and was going to help me if I prayed hard enough, repented my sins and changed my ways. I believed that "God" was there. He was NEVER there.
Now I feel broken, I feel dead inside. I have lost every single thing that meant something to me in my life. The odd thing is, I am not only talking about what happened to me. I lost "God" too. I felt like he was a friend for the first time, I felt like I could get help from him. I turned to this invisible being and I did every single thing I could to get help from him. There is no God. I am so beyond sick of people making excuses saying "God works in mysterious ways". I am also sick of people saying "If it wasn't in God's will, it won't happen." That is an EXCUSE. That is something you say when your prayers don't come true, and when they consequently do...it's all "praise God".
I don't care what you all believe I am not in any way trying to convince you to believe what I do. But now I am positive there is NO God. This was the final straw. I am done trying to convince myself that something exists when I have absolutely nothing in my life to show me he does. No God would be this cruel. There are coincidences in life and there is luck.
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It's the first day. Things may change. I don't know what it is though, except you have called it your misery. I wish I could help you more.
People can be evil.
