Your experience with abstinence

[Magic Man]

What does it mean to be loyal?

It means to not betray them, as in not have sex with other people unless your partner is OK with it, and also not to have the same kind of emotional attachment to another person as you do with your partner. Why?

I think two people who have waited have someting more between them than those who don't wait. I think it is part of loyalty.

Why is that part of loyalty? Loyalty only means not doing something you promised not to do. It's not being disloyal to my future wife to have sex with others before I even meet her.

What it means to be unique.

Then would you mind explaining it in your own words? I didn't really get what it means to be unique from the story.

 

[Sunstone]

Well, I have to say that I was not isolated. I knew all aspects of it, and I was still under the impression it was something that would be special and should be saved for only a very committed relationship.

I'm not following how you could have known all aspects if it, yet still have a false impression of it? What am I missing?

 

[9-10ths_Penguin]

So, why should it be saved for a committed relationship? If anyone can see the point of reserving it for only committed relationships, I think they might be able to see the point of saving it for marriage...

Which brings me to another point: I think that saving sex for marriage can create a situation where a person rushes to get married at least in part out of desire for sex. If you keep sex within a committed relationship but don't necessarily wait for marriage, I think it helps prevent marrying for bad or unhealthy reasons.

 

[Dezzie]

So, why should it be saved for a committed relationship? If anyone can see the point of reserving it for only committed relationships, I think they might be able to see the point of saving it for marriage...

I see what you mean, and you are completely right... it's just that some people make love before they get married. I am just saying that there (to me) is nothing wrong with it... I did it, so I can't say people should do it or not. You are right though. Saving it for marriage is great. It is very special and should be saved for that one and only person. I completely agree. I just don't see what's wrong with it if you are not actually married, but have a strong love for that special someone.

 

[Sunstone]

I think two people who have waited have someting more between them than those who don't wait.

That's interesting, but one wonders how we could know that?

What it means to be unique.

Isn't everyone unique? I mean that to be a very serious question.

 

[Dezzie]

Which brings me to another point: I think that saving sex for marriage can create a situation where a person rushes to get married at least in part out of desire for sex. If you keep sex within a committed relationship but don't necessarily wait for marriage, I think it helps prevent marrying for bad or unhealthy reasons.

This is also a great point...

 

[Sunstone]

As long as you don't have those meaningless one night stands, I don't see the issue.

I'm curious what might be problematic about a one-night stand. Are one night stands problematic because they are meaningless? And what makes a one night stand meaningless?

 

[Magic Man]

Perhaps defining marriage would be good?

Two people committing to each other for life.

What makes marriage different than friendship etc.?

Sex and an emotional bond.

What is the point of loyalty within marriage?

To make it special, the same reason you have loyalty in any committed relationship.

So, why should it be saved for a committed relationship? If anyone can see the point of reserving it for only committed relationships, I think they might be able to see the point of saving it for marriage...

I don't think it should be anymore. I think you should be careful with it, because of pregnancy and STDs, but I have stopped thinking it's something that needs to be reserved for committed relationships.

 

[Magic Man]

I'm not following how you could have known all aspects if it, yet still have a false impression of it? What am I missing?

I just meant that I had more than just a religious type of "sex is only for marriage" understanding, but I think my religions still influenced my thinking of it even after not believing in the religion. I guess that doesn't fit what you meant be "all aspects of it". I only meant that even having an understanding of it as not just an act to be performed after marriage, I still thought of it as something to be saved for a committed relationship because of that religious upbringing. (I'm sorry, for some reason I don't seem to be able to explain that as well as I'd like. I hope it makes sense.)

 

[Dezzie]

I'm curious what might be problematic about a one-night stand. Are one night stands problematic because they are meaningless? And what makes a one night stand meaningless?

Well... this is just what I think... I've never thought one night stands were, how do you say, meaningful or good. A one night stand, to me, is for the pleasure of sex only. Sex has meaning to me... it always has. I always thought it should be shared with someone you are in a relationship with (of course you actually have to 'love' that person... lol) Um... I don't know... A one night stand is exactly that... a one night of pleasure... which technically only lasts about an hour.... lol I've just never seen the point of them. I think they are kind of gross... no offense to those who have had them... not trying to sound rude. I'm sorry if I do...

 

[Sunstone]

Well... this is just what I think... I've never thought one night stands were, how do you say, meaningful or good. A one night stand, to me, is for the pleasure of sex only. Sex has meaning to me... it always has. I always thought it should be shared with someone you are in a relationship with (of course you actually have to 'love' that person... lol) Um... I don't know... A one night stand is exactly that... a one night of pleasure... which technically only lasts about an hour.... lol I've just never seen the point of them. I think they are kind of gross... no offense to those who have had them... not trying to sound rude. I'm sorry if I do...

Thank you for elaborating!

 

[Sunstone]

I just meant that I had more than just a religious type of "sex is only for marriage" understanding, but I think my religions still influenced my thinking of it even after not believing in the religion. I guess that doesn't fit what you meant be "all aspects of it". I only meant that even having an understanding of it as not just an act to be performed after marriage, I still thought of it as something to be saved for a committed relationship because of that religious upbringing. (I'm sorry, for some reason I don't seem to be able to explain that as well as I'd like. I hope it makes sense.)

Thanks for the clarification, Matt!

 

[Magic Man]

I see what you mean, and you are completely right... it's just that some people make love before they get married. I am just saying that there (to me) is nothing wrong with it... I did it, so I can't say people should do it or not. You are right though. Saving it for marriage is great. It is very special and should be saved for that one and only person. I completely agree. I just don't see what's wrong with it if you are not actually married, but have a strong love for that special someone.

I know you used to be LDS. I wonder whether that is influencing your opinion. As an agnostic, what do you see being the benefit of waiting until marriage as opposed to waiting to be in a committed relationship?

 

[Dezzie]

I know you used to be LDS. I wonder whether that is influencing your opinion. As an agnostic, what do you see being the benefit of waiting until marriage as opposed to waiting to be in a committed relationship?

Well... the only thing with the commited relationship and waiting until marriage is this... If you are in a commited relationship, you are commited right? You will more than likely marry that person if you are commited enough. I guess there really isn't a 'benefit' to wait per se... Sex is special and I guess waiting until you actually get married is a way to make sure you are only sharing it with that special someone for the rest of your life. Like I said though, I guess there really isn't a benefit to wait...

My Father actually had a 'sex talk' (only the best haha) with me about 5-6 years ago. He made a pretty good analogy. He compared me and a man to a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. You may laugh, but it's good. He told me I am the side of the bread with the jelly and the man is the side with the peanut butter. He said when you have sex, you combine together creating the complete sandwich. He said that if one day I end up not being with that man I laid down with, my side of the sandwich is now soiled with globs of the peanut butter. I wouldn't be pure anymore... or clean. I would have that man's "peanut butter" still stuck to my jelly... lol I have always loved that analogy. It made me look at things in a better perspective. haha

 

[Dezzie]

I know you used to be LDS. I wonder whether that is influencing your opinion.

I can't really say whether or not it is influencing my opinion. I have just always felt that way. Like I said though... I did have sex before marriage, but I made sure me and that person truly loved each other. Now we are engaged... we are best friends... I can't even be one day with out him. lol It's that same for him too. We are very close. Since I did things before marriage, I don't see anything really influencing my opinion.

 

[Magic Man]

Well... the only thing with the commited relationship and waiting until marriage is this... If you are in a commited relationship, you are commited right? You will more than likely marry that person if you are commited enough. I guess there really isn't a 'benefit' to wait per se... Sex is special and I guess waiting until you actually get married is a way to make sure you are only sharing it with that special someone for the rest of your life. Like I said though, I guess there really isn't a benefit to wait...

My Father actually had a 'sex talk' (only the best haha) with me about 5-6 years ago. He made a pretty good analogy. He compared me and a man to a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. You may laugh, but it's good. He told me I am the side of the bread with the jelly and the man is the side with the peanut butter. He said when you have sex, you combine together creating the complete sandwich. He said that if one day I end up not being with that man I laid down with, my side of the sandwich is now soiled with globs of the peanut butter. I wouldn't be pure anymore... or clean. I would have that man's "peanut butter" still stuck to my jelly... lol I have always loved that analogy. It made me look at things in a better perspective. haha

I understand. I guess my question is why you feel that not being a virgin makes you "unclean" or "impure". I can understand that as an LDS or religious person in general, but as an agnostic it doesn't seem to fit. I say this mainly because I also had that same kind of opinion about sex until my early twenties due to being raised Catholic, and even after I didn't really consider myself Catholic, I still kind of thought of it that way. I have since realized that that view of sex was just a holdover from my religious upbringing, and I have shed it. I am curious whether your thinking of sex that way is still a holdover from your LDS upbringing, or whether it's something you have decided on even outside of your former religious beliefs.

 

[Green Gaia]

Well, since same gender couples are not allowed to marry, I wasn't about to wait on that. Probably wouldn't have waited anyway.... :angel2:

 

[Magic Man]

I can't really say whether or not it is influencing my opinion. I have just always felt that way. Like I said though... I did have sex before marriage, but I made sure me and that person truly loved each other. Now we are engaged... we are best friends... I can't even be one day with out him. lol It's that same for him too. We are very close. Since I did things before marriage, I don't see anything really influencing my opinion.

I understand. I am in pretty much the same situation (I almost said "position", but decided that due to the nature of the discussion it might be a bad choice of words ). It's because of the similarity that I ask.

 

[9-10ths_Penguin]

My Father actually had a 'sex talk' (only the best haha) with me about 5-6 years ago. He made a pretty good analogy. He compared me and a man to a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. You may laugh, but it's good. He told me I am the side of the bread with the jelly and the man is the side with the peanut butter. He said when you have sex, you combine together creating the complete sandwich. He said that if one day I end up not being with that man I laid down with, my side of the sandwich is now soiled with globs of the peanut butter. I wouldn't be pure anymore... or clean. I would have that man's "peanut butter" still stuck to my jelly... lol I have always loved that analogy. It made me look at things in a better perspective. haha

No offense to your father, but I think that's a very disturbing analogy. I hope that your fiance loves you with all his heart because of who you are, not just because you're not "soiled"... and if you were "soiled" (ack... I hate thinking in those terms) by having been with someone before him, I sincerely hope that this wouldn't diminish his love for you.

Personally, I think it's a choice whether to bring the baggage (or "peanut butter", if you prefer) of past relationships into your current one. It doesn't have to be that way.

Also, just kinda running with your Dad's analogy for a second: even if your jelly bread has a bit of peanut butter on it to start out, you can't tell once you've slapped it together with another piece of peanut butter bread... especially if the peanut butter had a bit of jelly mixed in to start out with too.

 

[Dezzie]

I understand. I guess my question is why you feel that not being a virgin makes you "unclean" or "impure". I can understand that as an LDS or religious person in general, but as an agnostic it doesn't seem to fit. I say this mainly because I also had that same kind of opinion about sex until my early twenties due to being raised Catholic, and even after I didn't really consider myself Catholic, I still kind of thought of it that way. I have since realized that that view of sex was just a holdover from my religious upbringing, and I have shed it. I am curious whether your thinking of sex that way is still a holdover from your LDS upbringing, or whether it's something you have decided on even outside of your former religious beliefs.

I think it is outside my former religious beliefs. I have always felt that way... since forever. When I was younger I was very shy and always hated the sexual attention. Something that I shouldn't mention on here happened to me when I was like 13. I think that had a HUGE impact on my thoughts about sex as well... I don't know... lol I actually just thought about that incident. My thoughts today definitely have to do with that now that I think of it.