Your experience with abstinence

[ranjana]

He said when you have sex, you combine together creating the complete sandwich. He said that if one day I end up not being with that man I laid down with, my side of the sandwich is now soiled with globs of the peanut butter.

well there is something to be said to a little exploration; how are you supposed to know if you like crunchy or smooth peanut butter before you try the different kinds? what if you commit to crunchy and you spend the rest of your life longing for the smooth stuff??

besides, our jelly cleans up pretty good.

 

[whereismynotecard]

:sorry1: but that is the saddest commentary I've ever heard on marriage. Why would you marry, just to divorce? What does marriage mean to you?

Why does everyone else get married just to divorce?? Because they think they like someone and they find out too late that they really don't. Don't worry though. I'm pretty sure I'll never get married.

 

[stacey bo bacey]

Well I've only ever been with one person. But it was a LOT of sex.....

 

[Sunstone]

Well I've only ever been with one person. But it was a LOT of sex.....

Do you feel you've been degraded, polluted, or tarnished by your sexual experiences? Or, in the language of the day, is there peanut butter in your hair -- if not upon your soul?

 

[Green Gaia]

Please don't take offense to this question, but if marriage wasn't worth waiting for anyway, what is the purpose of marriage, in your eyes? Not just your post but most posts here seem to present marriage as just something you end up doing, not something precious and blessed. What's the difference between marriage and dating then, aside from legal stuff like the way you do your taxes?

I don't know about you, but marriage is more than just about getting to have sex with someone. It's about commitment and love and family and taxes. I do not believe that whether you wait for marriage or not to have sex has any bearing the commitment you make to your spouse.

 

[Nanda]

Now Nanda, quit being reasonable! Either you (1) know what's best for everyone or (2) you don't even know what's best for yourself. There are no other options! I declare! Somedays you just make me want to run screaming from the Forum with your "reasonable this" and "reasonable that" attitude.

Yes, it drives my family crazy. Just last night Papersock was lamenting that I have to bring my "logic" into every arguement.

 

[Magic Man]

How can sex without an emotional connection mean anything at all? Just because it feels good doesn't mean it means anything.

In my opinion, it doesn't need to mean anything. If it feels good and doesn't hurt anyone, what's the problem?

What's the difference between marriage and dating then, aside from legal stuff like the way you do your taxes?

I know this wasn't directed at me, but I wanted to respond. To me the only differences between dating and marriage are an official commitment for life and legal benefits. Many people make that lifelong commitment without actually getting married. I don't think there's anything more special about marriage than just doing that.

 

[Dezzie]

well there is something to be said to a little exploration; how are you supposed to know if you like crunchy or smooth peanut butter before you try the different kinds? what if you commit to crunchy and you spend the rest of your life longing for the smooth stuff??

besides, our jelly cleans up pretty good.

lol that was good. Made me smile.

 

[cottonflowers]

It sounds to me like you've never managed to have a meaningful one night stand. But is your personal failure to have had a meaningful one night stand sufficient grounds on which to assert that all one night stands are meaningless? If so, how?

I've never had a one night stand, period. :no: The reason I think one night stands aren't meaningful is because I see no value in attempting physical intimacy when emotional intimacy, trust, love and respect are not present. And if all those things are present...why is it just a one night stand and not a relationship?

Do you think second and third marriages are yucky and gross? For that matter, do you think second and third marriages are necessarily inferior in any meaningful way to first marriages?

I've always been taught that divorce is wrong, and that it is unacceptable except in extreme cases of violence and abuse, or where an extramarital affair has taken place. Many of the standard reasons people currently divorce, such as no longer feeling an emotional thrill, excitement or wanting someone new, I consider selfish. So, yes, I do tend to look at multiple marriages as cheapened and compromised, and not having the same authenticity as lifetime marriages. Of course, individual situations are different. Widows/widowers who remarry aren't wrong to do so, for example. I don't consider sex in marriage to be yucky, and that includes second marriages if the couple has only been with each other and their former spouses. Having many partners is yucky in my eyes, yes.

For your attitude here to make sense, don't you need to assume that virgin sex is all or almost all that makes a marriage special? And if that is so, then doesn't that notion seem a wee bit lunatic?

There are many gifts we are supposed to bring into our marriages. Sexual purity is one, but there are others. For example, emotional intimacy. Some Christians, not all, believe that it's not really right to form extremely close bonds with opposite-sex friends because that closeness should be reserved for marriage. The trust and commitment are crucial aspecsts of marriage. Marriage is also a partnership and finding your other half, and all of that matters; sex is just one part.

If you say so. I think that's the general interpretation of the Epistles passages you referred to, though.

We are supposed to avoid sinful acts, but we aren't expected to be perfect. It doesn't matter what kind of sins someone commits, from milder-sounding sins like coveting and lusting, to theft, murder, whatever. Everyone can be forgiven if they sincerely repent of their wrongdoing and ask for forgiveness.

So do I, but when you set up a system where the only way you get to have sex is by getting married, I think you introduce the danger that this can occur.

Possibly. I guess sex just doesn't rule my life the way it rules some people's. I'm not excited about getting married so sex is 'legal'. I look forward to marriage because I'd like to be able to share the love and affection I have for people with someone who had a permanent and special place in my heart.

Hmm. Personally, I've found religion to be more of a hindrance than a help when it comes to togetherness, though I'm sure that my being an atheist has something to do with our different perspectives.

I'm sure that has something to do with it.

Religion would get in the way. Religion is rules. I'm sure everybody hates the treacly sweet suggestion some Christians make, that you don't need religion, you just need Jesus, but that's kind of how I look at it. I sincerely believe that praying together and supporting each other's faith can be a good way to build up a relationship, but I can of course see that an atheist wouldn't view it that way. I guess it just has to do with having something in common, some common ground to return to for stability, which for Christians will be faith.

You can have an emotional connection without an emotional commitment. I've had some bad one-night stands, but I've also had some wonderful one-night stands with guys I still remember fondly years later. I was thinking of one of them the other day, a smart, sweet, talented, handsome man who (20 years ago) was feeling ancient on his 39th birthday. I wonder what became of him, a little, but mostly I just think back fondly on our night together -- not because of physical satisfaction but because I think we opened our hearts to each other a little, for a while -- enough that my affection for him has remained strong over the years. I don't wish I'd married him; I don't wish I could find him again; I'm just happy for the time we shared together. There are others about whom I feel the same. I think what we shared was very good, and very right, passing though it was.

That's really interesting! I've never heard a positive story about one night stands before. Thank you for sharing it.

Why does everyone else get married just to divorce?? Because they think they like someone and they find out too late that they really don't. Don't worry though. I'm pretty sure I'll never get married.

That's why the phrase 'don't rush in' exists, I think.

I don't know about you, but marriage is more than just about getting to have sex with someone. It's about commitment and love and family and taxes. I do not believe that whether you wait for marriage or not to have sex has any bearing the commitment you make to your spouse.

I assume you didn't go to Christian school.

Marriage for me isn't about being able to have sex, either. Sex is part of the package but not the reason, for me, to go through with the ceremony. All the things you listed also matter (I'm not so sure about taxes, personally, but whatever). But I do believe whether you wait or not matters. My upbringing has included numerous lessons on the importance of being a virgin when you enter a marriage and that it would be stealing a gift from your future spouse to give away your virginity to anyone else. By waiting, I'm showing that I'm putting my future husband ahead of my own desire.

In my opinion, it doesn't need to mean anything. If it feels good and doesn't hurt anyone, what's the problem?

See, I believe it's supposed to matter, it's supposed to have meaning. I believe God gave people the gift of sex to be enjoyed when a connection exists, not just for the physical pleasure of it.

 

[Draka]

Then why did god give sex to to other species on earth? Just curious as to your belief.

 

[cottonflowers]

Then why did god give sex to to other species on earth? Just curious as to your belief.

Just as a means of procreation, I think.

 

[Green Gaia]

I assume you didn't go to Christian school.

Marriage for me isn't about being able to have sex, either. Sex is part of the package but not the reason, for me, to go through with the ceremony. All the things you listed also matter (I'm not so sure about taxes, personally, but whatever). But I do believe whether you wait or not matters. My upbringing has included numerous lessons on the importance of being a virgin when you enter a marriage and that it would be stealing a gift from your future spouse to give away your virginity to anyone else. By waiting, I'm showing that I'm putting my future husband ahead of my own desire.

No, I did not go to a Christian school. I was raised Christian though, but have since moved on.

I mentioned taxes because the legal part is a very real part of marriage in our society. There's no avoiding it if you're going to get legally married in this country and should be considered when getting married.

 

[Magic Man]

See, I believe it's supposed to matter, it's supposed to have meaning. I believe God gave people the gift of sex to be enjoyed when a connection exists, not just for the physical pleasure of it.

But why would He do that? Why can't we just have some fun sometimes?

 

[Draka]

Just as a means of procreation, I think.

Then why do dolphins have sex for pleasure?

 

[9-10ths_Penguin]

Then why do dolphins have sex for pleasure?

Because they've resigned themselves to the fact that I'm not really a swimmer.

 

[Smoke]

Just as a means of procreation, I think.

Of course, there are people who think that about human sexuality, too, but that seems to me a very pinched and twisted way of looking at it.

 

[painted wolf]

I for one am glad I didn't wait!

My spouse and I were together for twelve years before we married, and we took that time to develop a very deep relationship. A lot of that relationship building was developing a healthy and mutually respectful sexual relationship.

Both of us were virgins at the time, and frankly we would have terrible married that way.

wa:do

 

[MaeDha]

I say Amen to anyone who can sustain any level of abstinence you have great self-control and faith, not necessarily religious faith but faith with yourself and that is admirable.
Edit: As for myself I lost my virginity to my boyfriend of 3 years at the age of 15 and I do not regret it in the slightest.

 

[sarahjane127]

When i was younger i was always told "Who wants to buy the whole ice cream truck when your giving out popsicles for free?" I lived by that for a very long time underneath my sheltered lutheran upbringing. As soon as my parents loosened the reins it was very hard to not go all out. Now its more an expression of love to me. Although many religions teach against sex outside of marriage, in some instances it may be necessary. Sometimes there is sparks before sex in the relationship, but after sex all that may be gone. now if your married to that person do you just get a divorce? Sex is a part of a healthy relationship.