Badran

Okay, okay.

I can grant you passage, but the one problem is, what would it look like back home bringing a prime Earth bachelor back with me? The culture is filled with gossip, you see. They'd think I've gone soft.

You'd have to pose as either my bodyguard or some type scientific Earth specimen, and I'm assuming you'd prefer the former. Your prescription therefore must be 3000+ calories a day, watch the carbs, whole foods only, run or cycle each morning followed by free weights, and MMA classes each evening. It's good dual-purpose training for those snare beasts, too.

Then, only then, can we escape this wretched spider problem.

Dear Badran,

The creatures back home are even more terrifying than what you call spiders on your most precious space rock- the Thanagarian snare beasts are particularly dangerous. You'd need some type of combat training to survive.

A month had gone by....

"If you're going to tie me up and then perform unspeakable acts upon my flesh", Sandra began happily, "then we'll need a safe word. A word neither one of us will ever forget -- even in the heat of passion -- but a word that we would otherwise never associate with sex."

Paul thought for a moment. "Badran", he said. It was the name of a poster on his favorite website, Alarming Faiths. He liked how it sounded.

"Good choice!" Sandra agreed because she visited Alarming Faiths, too. "Who on earth would associate 'Badran' with sex?"

So little did the couple know. So very little did they know Badran, besides that they enjoyed his posts, that they had ironically chosen the one name that would, within a short, few years, become almost universally synonymous with appallingly romantic acts of seduction leading to even more appallingly kinky sex.

I've written yet another painfully disappointing Hot and Steamy post. Yeah, I know, I should have spent the night sleeping. Much better for humanity that way.

You never disappoint. I challenge anyone who would even dare to suggest such a thing!

Some fool left a message on Lyn's visitor page under my name! I absolutely deny it's anything I myself would be capable of writing. I remain nothing but your friend!

Heh, you wrote another one.

I've got you hooked.

You're most humbly welcome! It's your turn, now!

Done! Posted! Now, read the lewd trash I wrote just for you. Just for you, you perv! I hope your zipper gets stuck half-way down.

That's almost the first time anyone but Lyn has commented on my pieces, and what do I get? Scathing, thoughtless, mindless condemnation! Fine, then, I'm going to write something shallow. Shallow but perverted. Thoroughly perverted. Just for you!

Man, I can totally relate to that story with Josh. He only knew two people at the party, while everyone else was more acquainted already because most of them knew each other from work.

I had to go to a party last weekend where I was in a similar situation. Most people were all very well acquainted but I only knew the core group of people so I had to go and be annoyed the whole time!

Oh, I bet if you put your mind to it, you could write a beautiful one.

And by beautiful I mean spicy.

Though by spicy, I mean downright perverted.

But really, by downright perverted I actually mean beautiful.

You should write a hot and steamy romance excerpt.

All the cool kids are doing it.

Good to see you! Just so you don't miss it.

I know you're kidding. I know what really happened. I saw it on through satellite pictures.

You were out walking and some girls started chasing you, and you ran home crying. They just thought you were cute. You could have at least smiled, or something.

How could you say that to me, you unfeeling brute?!

Do you know that every time I see some news footage of things like that going on in Cairo, I keep an eye out, to make sure that I see you log in sometime after that, and I feel relieved when I do see you -- so sue me, I'm a mama. I worry sometimes -- because I actually am concerned about whether or not you might be in harm's way? (That's for real.)

Now... make sure you look both ways before you cross the street. Don't talk to strangers. If you see anything looking like it is escalating, or getting out of hand, get out of the situation. Also, remember to brush your teeth, and not to eat too many sweets. Have a nice day, son.

OK! OK! I'll do it. I'll praise you.

Forget everything I just said. I have just been intimidated by your dashing good looks and sharp wit. I stumbled. I fell. Surely, that is forgivable?

Please forgive me. Have pity on a poor fool that just could not keep up with you! Do not be serious with me from now on...that would wound me to the heart.

Fabulous! That's for the last part. (Just kidding.)

It was the time you mentioned. It wasn't really that I had (accidentally) posted a wrong part of a conversation. I did that one purpose, and was feeling particularly proud of my sense of humor -- that I posted what seemed like the middle of a conversation -- just to get to you.

Afterward, I was like: "Oh no, did that come across as rude or weird, instead of funny? I wonder if I really ticked him off. I'll just not send anymore messages until I hear from him. That way I'll know if he decided not to like me anymore."

Now that you messaged me, you asked for it, buddy! (Please don't waste any precious energy on feeling bad about it. Spend that energy on entertaining me with funny posts. )

Of course, you missed me, dear Badran. Actually, I missed you, too. It was a lot of fun.

(I really thought that maybe you were bothered by my joking around with you last time. Like for real. I would not want to do that for real, so I thought it best not to joke around/communicate if there was a chance it was actually bothersome.)

I wouldn't even think about trying to tell you what to do, but now might be a good time for heaping on the compliments.

Hate you? I don't hate you.

Why...I fear/respect, adore, admire, idolize, aspire to be just like... you. (Did I lay it on too thick? I'll alphabetize the list next time. )