A poll for the women of RF

[Gharib]

to the women, would you rather have your husband:

cheat on you behind your back and later find out about it

OR

would you rather have him come up to you and say "i want to marry another woman also" and discuss it with him?
(if he was to marry another woman, then you should both have a house each, be free to work if you wanted but to keep the money for yourself etc)

whats the reasoning behind your answer?

there will be a few follow up threads to this. i will post the links to this OP.

EDIT: here are the links

A poll for the men of RF

 

[BucephalusBB]

there will be a few follow up threads to this.

Wich is the same question but for men, I asume

 

[Nanda]

I'd rather he add another wife to our marriage. I don't have a problem with this - I believe in the concept of polyamory, that people are capable of loving more than one person at the same time.

It's funny you should mention this, because my husband actually has a serious girlfriend, and we've been discussing recently what this will mean for our future. She lives in her own apartment about 15 minutes away right now, but some day she'll likely come live with us. And then maybe a little further along, we'll buy a bigger house. He wants to have more children, and I don't, so I assume they'll probably have kids together, and in order for that to happen, we'll need a bigger place. I wouldn't want her and any kids they have to live in a separate place from their father.

 

[Gharib]

Wich is the same question but for men, I asume

slightly different but on the same track. i'll go and make it now and leave the other one for later.

 

[Gharib]

I'd rather he add another wife to our marriage. I don't have a problem with this - I believe in the concept of polyamory, that people are capable of loving more than one person at the same time.

It's funny you should mention this, because my husband actually has a serious girlfriend, and we've been discussing recently what this will mean for our future. She lives in her own apartment about 15 minutes away right now, but some day she'll likely come live with us. And then maybe a little further along, we'll buy a bigger house. He wants to have more children, and I don't, so I assume they'll probably have kids together, and in order for that to happen, we'll need a bigger place. I wouldn't want her and any kids they have to live in a separate place from their father.

that seems fair enough, but in islam it is not permitted to have all the wives in the same house, they each must get their own. i'm actually quite surprised that you not only mind him having another woman, but that she can live in the same house as you.

that's interesting, i've never had anyone say anything like that.

 

[Nanda]

that seems fair enough, but in islam it is not permitted to have all the wives in the same house, they each must get their own.

Well, that seems fair, too, especially if the wives don't get along as well as they could, or are of similar strong personalities, and really need their own space or they'll go crazy.

i'm actually quite surprised that you not only mind him having another woman, but that she can live in the same house as you.

Well, for one thing, I have a boyfriend who lives with us, so I'd be an awfully big hypocrite if I said his girlfriend could never come stay with us. But the whole "in one house" thing just makes sense for us. We wouldn't be two seperate families, we'd be one big, complicated one. Plus I really like his girlfriend - she's a sweet young thing, and I know she'd be really helpful and let me be big boss lady. I, in turn, would have to be careful to always take her into consideration and treat her as an equal partner, and not "the second wife."

that's interesting, i've never had anyone say anything like that.

It's not uncommon in the poly community.

 

[Kathryn]

I'd rather him cheat on me behind my back - because it wouldn't take me long to find out about it, and when I did...well, let's just say I'd come out ahead.

Just ask my exhusband. He was lucky to get out of that with his skin intact.

Of course, you didn't give the option that I would REALLY prefer. What I would prefer is that IF my husband wanted another woman, he would come to me and ask for a divorce - which I assure you I would grant him if he intended to have an affair. THAT approach I could honestly respect.

I believe monogamy is not only possible, it is a requirement if one wants to be married to me. If you don't believe that way - fine. But if a man wants to be married to me, he has to share that belief - and practice it.

I believe I have enough to offer a man - and to keep him interested and satisfied over time. Of course, it's MY responsibility to keep myself as attractive and desirable as possible - you can't really blame a guy if a woman gains 40 pounds, loses her desire for sex, and becomes a slob (barring, of course, legitimate health issues). Who WOULDN'T want something more than that?

There will be no house or husband sharing in my life.

 

[Madhuri]

Monogamy in marriage is very important to me. For me, in this day and age, relationship is based on a special love. I want my man to have a special place in my heart and I would want to be his special person. I would never feel secure or properly loved if he suddenly wanted another person as well. The first think I would think is that I am not good enough, I am not special enough. I would be both offended and hurt.

 

[Gharib]

Well, that seems fair, too, especially if the wives don't get along as well as they could, or are of similar strong personalities, and really need their own space or they'll go crazy.

i think thats one of the ideas behing it, another could be so that the second wife doesn't feel as though she isn't equal to the first just as you have said.

Well, for one thing, I have a boyfriend who lives with us, so I'd be an awfully big hypocrite if I said his girlfriend could never come stay with us. But the whole "in one house" thing just makes sense for us. We wouldn't be two seperate families, we'd be one big, complicated one. Plus I really like his girlfriend - she's a sweet young thing, and I know she'd be really helpful and let me be big boss lady. I, in turn, would have to be careful to always take her into consideration and treat her as an equal partner, and not "the second wife."

i think the islamic laws would rather have a man anounce his second lover out in the open than to have a few secret misstresess, i don't know if thats one of the reasons why polygamy is allowed though, but it kind of makes sense anyway.

It's not uncommon in the poly community.

really, is this common among non muslims.

one question though. would you be ok if your husband wanted his other woman to move in or would you let him be with her, if you didn't have another man also, or if the laws of your country didn't permit you to have more than one husband?

 

[Nanda]

really, is this common among non muslims.

It's not common, but it's not unheard of. And it seems to be gaining popularity in certain circles. Either that, or it was always this way, and we just feel more comfortable talking about it now, so you hear more about it.

one question though. would you be ok if your husband wanted his other woman to move in or would you let him be with her, if you didn't have another man also, or if the laws of your country didn't permit you to have more than one husband?

The laws of my country don't permit me to have more than one husband. But I assume what you mean is if they allowed him to have more than one wife, but not me to have more than one husband. There's two ways I can answer this:

1. I don't know, I'm not in that situation. Would it be unfair of him to have a girlfriend and forbid me to have a boyfriend? Yes, and that would make me angry. I don't think I could agree to it then. But I also would get angry if he forbid me from doing anything he chose to do himself. Or if he tried to control me in any way, actually.

2. If she was my wife as well (in every sense of the word) I don't think I'd mind so much. But I'm guessing islam frowns on that, too.

 

[Gharib]

I'd rather him cheat on me behind my back - because it wouldn't take me long to find out about it, and when I did...well, let's just say I'd come out ahead.

Just ask my exhusband. He was lucky to get out of that with his skin intact.

i see, but you would divorce him if he did cheat, darn i should have said that you should still be together after it though.

Of course, you didn't give the option that I would REALLY prefer. What I would prefer is that IF my husband wanted another woman, he would come to me and ask for a divorce - which I assure you I would grant him if he intended to have an affair. THAT approach I could honestly respect.

yeah i left that out on purpose, it wasn't going to be much relative to what i wated to know, sorry about it.

I believe monogamy is not only possible, it is a requirement if one wants to be married to me. If you don't believe that way - fine. But if a man wants to be married to me, he has to share that belief - and practice it.

thats livable, that the reason why in islam it is mandatory for a new couple to make a marriage contract, and if the woman says i don't want you to marry anyone else and thats final but if he does then she can divorce him.

I believe I have enough to offer a man - and to keep him interested and satisfied over time. Of course, it's MY responsibility to keep myself as attractive and desirable as possible - you can't really blame a guy if a woman gains 40 pounds, loses her desire for sex, and becomes a slob (barring, of course, legitimate health issues). Who WOULDN'T want something more than that?

There will be no house or husband sharing in my life.

that seems understandable, if you don't want to then he has to live with it.

 

[Gharib]

Monogamy in marriage is very important to me. For me, in this day and age, relationship is based on a special love. I want my man to have a special place in my heart and I would want to be his special person. I would never feel secure or properly loved if he suddenly wanted another person as well. The first think I would think is that I am not good enough, I am not special enough. I would be both offended and hurt.

thats probably the most common thing around, and in most situations i bet the relationship would end.

but what if you couldn't have any kids, but your husband wanted a kid of his own blood rather than to addopt, would you allow him to marry another woman knowing that he loves you because you are his first love and wife?

 

[Nanda]

but what if you couldn't have any kids, but your husband wanted a kid of his own blood rather than to addopt, would you allow him to marry another woman knowing that he loves you because you are his first love and wife?

How sad for the second wife, then. Is she nothing but a brood mare?

 

[Gharib]

How sad for the second wife, then. Is she nothing but a brood mare?

no they would be equal, i'm just asking if the first wife would allow another woman in their life but knowing that the husband loves just as he did before.

 

[Madhuri]

thats probably the most common thing around, and in most situations i bet the relationship would end.

but what if you couldn't have any kids, but your husband wanted a kid of his own blood rather than to addopt, would you allow him to marry another woman knowing that he loves you because you are his first love and wife?

Another woman is out of the question. A surrogate mother is a possibility, but in all honesty I don't know how I would feel or what I would do in this situation. If he married another woman to have children with her then she would become, most likely, the special person. A man should live with his children, it would be wrong for him to devote himself to me. I'd be kinder to let him go.

 

[Madhuri]

no they would be equal, i'm just asking if the first wife would allow another woman in their life but knowing that the husband loves just as he did before.

I wouldn't believe that this is true. If the man loved me that much he would sacrifice having children to be with me because true love is selfless. But I would never ask that of a man I love because my love is also selfless. I would probably let him go. With children, he has a duty to devote himself to that family. I would always be an outsider, if I stayed.

 

[Gharib]

I wouldn't believe that this is true. If the man loved me that much he would sacrifice having children to be with me because true love is selfless. But I would never ask that of a man I love because my love is also selfless. I would probably let him go. With children, he has a duty to devote himself to that family. I would always be an outsider, if I stayed.

alright i understand. so would you rather have him say to you that he wants to marry another woman right, and you would divorce him in that case?

 

[Madhuri]

alright i understand. so would you rather have him say to you that he wants to marry another woman right, and you would divorce him in that case?

Well yes, but you have to consider the context. Any man that I am with will probably understand my culture. He will know that his wanting to marry another person would ruin what we have, that special love and closeness that we share uniquely. So if he told me that he wanted to marry another person, he would be aware that he was also communicating that he didn't think I was worth not having children with. He would be willing to put our relationship in jeopardy in order to be with some other woman for some purpose. So yes, I would divorce him or as I said before 'let him go'. (unless of course he only brought it up for discussion but was not willing to go ahead with it without my permission in which case we would stay together and have no children)

 

[Madhuri]

PS: I really would not want to be cheated on. That is a horrible betrayal. So honesty is preferable.

 

[MysticSang'ha]

My answer is pretty much anything that Nanda said before. Although at the moment in our household, my husband and I are not seeing anyone else. We're kinda having secondary relationships with our careers.