-
Welcome to Religious Forums, a friendly forum to discuss all religions in a friendly surrounding.
Your voice is missing! You will need to register to get access to the following site features:- Reply to discussions and create your own threads.
- Our modern chat room. No add-ons or extensions required, just login and start chatting!
- Access to private conversations with other members.
We hope to see you as a part of our community soon!
Ask an Atheist, Get a Snide, Sarcastic Response
- Thread starter Kilgore Trout
- Start date
Kilgore Trout
Misanthropic Humanist
Dear 9-10ths_Penguin,
I would get to a neurologist immediately as it's apparent that you must have a gigantic tumor in your brain! Shame, you ask? My mother once asked me this very same question. I'll give you the same answer I gave her: Shut up and go make me some dinner and get off my back! I'll do whatever the hell I want!
Sincerely,
ATS
Morse
To Extinguish
Dear Atheist,
I can't seem to figure out how I got these genital warts, any advice? Also, I found the bodies of three puppies laying on top of prostitutes when I woke up this morning. Is it possible that Rogue Cardinal came back as a zombeh and attempted to seek revenge?
Regards,
Morse
I can't seem to figure out how I got these genital warts, any advice? Also, I found the bodies of three puppies laying on top of prostitutes when I woke up this morning. Is it possible that Rogue Cardinal came back as a zombeh and attempted to seek revenge?
Regards,
Morse
Kilgore Trout
Misanthropic Humanist
Dear Paul,
Your parents would have been well-advised to have enrolled you in special education when you were a child! As a self-respecting atheist, I simply have no need for morality. Why would I burden myself with something which would only serve to get in the way of my relentless pursuit of hedonistic pleasure at everyone else's expense? Trust me, I have no problem sleeping at night - and it has nothing to do with the liter of whiskey I drink every night!
Sincerely,
ATS
Wandered Off
Sporadic Driveby Member
Dear Atheist,
Will you hold my Bible while I kiss your girlfriend?
Thanks!
Will you hold my Bible while I kiss your girlfriend?
Thanks!
Kilgore Trout
Misanthropic Humanist
Dear Wandered Off,
Reading your question has given me several dozen bleeding ulcers! I don't mind if you kiss my girlfriend, as she is just some **** that I cheat on my wife with. You can do whatever you want with the skank actually. Share and share alike, I always say. But, there's no way on god's green earth that I will ever touch a bible! It makes me sick just thinking about doing something so wrong.
Sincerely,
ATS
blackout
Violet.
Aren't you hot, in that black hood...
with all that fire round about?
Day and night?
Who are you REALLY?
(on the internet you never know,
that snide athiest could be a demon... a vampire...
a fundamentalist fire and brimstone preacher even!...
or a little girl in pigtails from oklahoma...)
with all that fire round about?
Day and night?
Who are you REALLY?
(on the internet you never know,
that snide athiest could be a demon... a vampire...
a fundamentalist fire and brimstone preacher even!...
or a little girl in pigtails from oklahoma...)
Last edited:
Kilgore Trout
Misanthropic Humanist
Dear MissAlice,
I'm surprised someone as dense as you hasn't imploded and fused! ATS's First Law of Evolutionary Irony states that: the closer in intelligence a person is to a monkey, the more that person will be convinced that evolution states that people came from monkeys. Who wants to think they came from a monkey? If you really want dumb people to "believe" in evolution, tell them it says people evolved from jaguars. Jaguars are cool.
Sincerely,
ATS
Last edited:
Kilgore Trout
Misanthropic Humanist
Dear monta,
Nothing would make me happier than if you forgot to pay your internet bill! Of course you will kill again. A piece of my soul dies every time I read one of your queries. Then again, there is no such thing as a soul, so you're probably just killing my will to live.
Sincerely,
ATS
Kilgore Trout
Misanthropic Humanist
Dear Venatoris,
Too much junk food makes you sterile, but I'm sure you already knew that! The answer to both questions is the same: God is nothing but a comforting delusion for the weak-minded! Go eat a carrot or something.
Sincerely,
ATS
Kilgore Trout
Misanthropic Humanist
Aren't you hot, in that black hood...
with all that fire round about?
Day and night?
Who are you REALLY?
(on the internet you never know,
that snide athiest could be a demon... a vampire...
a fundamentalist fire and brimstone preacher even!...
or a little girl in pigtails from oklahoma...)
Dear UltraViolet,
I have a strong feeling that, at some point, Grimace sat on your head! You are, in fact, correct. I am hot day and night - regardless of what I wear though. At least that's what I pay all the hookers I hire to tell me. Any truth that costs that much has to be true. I'm nothing as evil as a demon, vampire, preacher, or little girl - I'm just a concerned citizen who wants to attend guilt-free, drug-fueled orgies.
Sincerely,
ATS
Rogue Cardinal
Devil's Advocate
Dear ATS,
My neighbors dog barks at night. I am going to execute the pooch. What I can't decide is if I should use my RAmbo knife to stab the dog to death and then hack it into peices with the saw side of the blade or should I use my samurai sword and just lop off the head and leave the head on their door step?
My neighbors dog barks at night. I am going to execute the pooch. What I can't decide is if I should use my RAmbo knife to stab the dog to death and then hack it into peices with the saw side of the blade or should I use my samurai sword and just lop off the head and leave the head on their door step?
Kilgore Trout
Misanthropic Humanist
Dear Rogue Cardinal,
My condoldences to your mom for giving birth to a still-born child! As a lover of animals, I would never condone the use of violence against them. However, an easy way to deal with annoying neighbors, is to burn their house down. Just make sure that the dog is outside when you light the fire. After all, we wouldn't want to hurt an innocent animal who simply doesn't know any better. Crap, in that case, you better make sure your neighbor is out of the house too.
Sincerely,
ATS
MSizer
MSizer
Dear atotalstranger,
Since my brother and I are both atheists, we have had no regrets in our consentual sexual exploitation of each other. The problem now is that he wants to take the pain to another level, and I know we're atheists, but I don't feel comfortable with it. Is it morally permissible for me, an admitted atheist, to lay out boundaries or do I owe it to my brother to return his corkscrew and play along? People at work are starting to ask why I have puncture wounds in my cheeks, and I feel a bit embarassed.
Since my brother and I are both atheists, we have had no regrets in our consentual sexual exploitation of each other. The problem now is that he wants to take the pain to another level, and I know we're atheists, but I don't feel comfortable with it. Is it morally permissible for me, an admitted atheist, to lay out boundaries or do I owe it to my brother to return his corkscrew and play along? People at work are starting to ask why I have puncture wounds in my cheeks, and I feel a bit embarassed.
Kilgore Trout
Misanthropic Humanist
Dear MSizer,
I have to assume that your mother took acid on a daily basis while pregnant with you! I've never recommened this before, but after reading your query, I would suggest that you join a church. Obviously, anything goes when it comes to atheism, but this kind of twisted perversion just rings of Catholicism. I think you'd actually fit in better with the sickos over there. They put most atheists to shame.
Sincerely,
ATS
Wandered Off
Sporadic Driveby Member
Dear Atheist,
Why are you heathens always going on about God of the gaps? After all, gaps need God too unless they want to join you in hell.
Why are you heathens always going on about God of the gaps? After all, gaps need God too unless they want to join you in hell.
Kilgore Trout
Misanthropic Humanist
Dear Wandered Off,
The only gaps here are the ones scattered throughout your cerebrum! There is no hell, other than the one I get put through day after day by responding to these moronic queries. "God of the gaps" is nothing more than a fruitless endeavor by atheists to convince people who don't know what they don't know, that it's okay to not know what they mistakenly think they know. You know? No? Then, why'd you ask me in the first place?
Sincerely,
ATS