Ask an Atheist, Get a Snide, Sarcastic Response

[Morse]

I had a dream where I violently slit Rogue.Cardinal's throat and took his collection of fetus' for firewood and strawberry pie. After I made my pies and had a nice cozy fire, I invited three prostitutes over and we had an orgy with his dead body.

Should I convert? Is it possible for atheistic traits to begin to show later in life?

 

[Rogue Cardinal]

I had a dream where I violently slit Rogue.Cardinal's throat and took his collection of fetus' for firewood and strawberry pie. After I made my pies and had a nice cozy fire, I invited three prostitutes over and we had an orgy with his dead body.

Should I convert? Is it possible for atheistic traits to begin to show later in life?

Dear Morse,

It is clear that you suffer from penis envy and by killing me and having sex with my dead body you hope to gain my secret powers of sexual prowess. The prostitutes represent the 3 sides of your personality and of course since all of them want to have sex with me it is clear that you want to also have sex with me. The question really is should you come out of the closet or remain in the closet?

Sincerely,
RC

 

[Morse]

Dear Morse,

It is clear that you suffer from penis envy and by killing me and having sex with my dead body you hope to gain my secret powers of sexual prowess. The prostitutes represent the 3 sides of your personality and of course since all of them want to have sex with me it is clear that you want to also have sex with me. The question really is should you come out of the closet or remain in the closet?

Sincerely,
RC

False Prophet say what?

 

[Kilgore Trout]

Dear the wise and venereal ATS,

Why don't steam rollers roll steam?

I tried asking a christian but he flat out refused to answer my question.

I tried asking a muslim but he just ended up giving me a quote from some guy called allah saying how wonderful he thinks he is

I tried asking a buddhist, he wasnt very very helpful he just said there is no steam roller

I tried asking a fluffy wiccan and she gave me a crystal and told me to hold it and chant for an hour

I tried asking a chaote but he just said "because mickey mouse transcends belly button fluff"

I tired asking a discordian but he just laughed hysterically, gave me a hot dog, then told me that it would be insulting to eris to eat it but i should not listen to anything anyone says to me.

I'm so confused please help.

-Q

Dear Q,
Your confused because you're asking people who not only don't have the answer, but also don't even understand the question! If you wanted a Whopper for lunch, would you go to McDonald's? Of course, not. Now that you're finally sitting at the drive-through at Burger King, I can tell you the answer is who cares? As long as they keep the potholes in my area to a minimum, I don't care if they get it done using dead hookers and used crack pipes. Stop wasting time worrying about questions like these and spend more time sleeping with strangers at orgies.
Sincerely,
ATS

 

[Kilgore Trout]

Dear ATS,

I was pondering having sex with this really hot Catholic chick. She says she is a virgin and as such could have no STD's. What do you think? Skin or Trojans?

Dear Rogue Cardinal,

That you even posed this question shows me that they should have removed you from life support years ago! Never ponder, just do. Regarding STDs, even if she wasn't a virgin, who cares? Why the heck do you think they invented antibiotics in the first place? This is one thing the Pope actually got right - using rubbers is a sin.
Sincerely,
ATS

 

[Kilgore Trout]

Dear Atheist,

What's the meaning of life?

Dear 9-10ths_Penguin,
I can only assume you haven't left the confines of your mother's basement - ever! The answer to this question is so obvious, that I have to wonder about the mental state of people who ask it. Feel good all the time and persecute christians whenever possible.
Sincerely,
ATS

 

[Kilgore Trout]

I had a dream that 7 skinny children ate 7 fat children then the skinny children got fat and 7 skinny children ate them, what does this mean?

Dear monta,
I can see that you've gone off your medication again! If there's one thing atheists understand, it's dreams, since we've obviously all had ours crushed at some point which made us hate god's injustice. This dream simply means that your life is boring and repetitive, and you feel like every week is just like the previous one. Snap out of it! Start drinking more and attending more wild orgies. Atheists are never bored. And if we are, we simply find something new to numb the pain and unsuccessfully fill the emptiness inside.
Sincerely,
ATS

 

[monta]

I didn't really have that dream, or if I did, I don't remember it on a conscious level, what does that mean ?

I have another question, is spamming an acceptable emotional anesthetic ?

 

[Rogue Cardinal]

Dear ATS,

It has come into my great luck to be able to afford a Ferrari F430. The guy that is selling it also has a Mercedes CLK 63 AMG that I also am quite fond of. I have enough money to buy either. But in my mind says I should buy neither and just stab the guy and take both cars and his woman. What would you do?

Sincerely,
RC

 

[Morse]

Dear ATS,

It has come into my great luck to be able to afford a Ferrari F430. The guy that is selling it also has a Mercedes CLK 63 AMG that I also am quite fond of. I have enough money to buy either. But in my mind says I should buy neither and just stab the guy and take both cares and his woman. What would you do?

Sincerely,
RC

It has come to my attention that some atheists cannot spell and know no grammar!! Don't atheists rely on their intelligence to prove things wrong? If an atheist cannot so much as spell simplistic words such as chiaroscuro and bourguignonne then how can he manage to make theists explode with his infinite wit?

Regards,
Morse

 

[TurkeyOnRye]

I know that the Bible is true because I get a warm, fuzzy feeling in my chest and head whenever I read very, very select verses. No God, huh? Disproven!

 

[Kilgore Trout]

I had a dream where I violently slit Rogue.Cardinal's throat and took his collection of fetus' for firewood and strawberry pie. After I made my pies and had a nice cozy fire, I invited three prostitutes over and we had an orgy with his dead body.

Should I convert? Is it possible for atheistic traits to begin to show later in life?

Dear Morse,
You are one sick puppy - you should check yourself into a mental institution immediately! It certainly is possible for someone to achieve atheistic enlightenment later in life, but most atheists realize from a young age that they want a guilt-free life of selfish hedonism. What concerns me about your dream is that you only invited three prostitutes to the fire. This indicates to me that this dream was probably just an aberration and that you don't have the required chutzpah to be an effective atheist. Stick to your church picnics and other boring crap.
Sincerely,
ATS

 

[Morse]

Dear ATS,

How come all your advice blows?

Regards,
Morse

 

[Kilgore Trout]

I didn't really have that dream, or if I did, I don't remember it on a conscious level, what does that mean ?

I have another question, is spamming an acceptable emotional anesthetic ?

Dear monta,
Apparently you are a highly unstable and emotionally needy woman - my kind of girl! Any activity can be an acceptable emotional anesthetic. Since life is empty and ultimately meaningless, do anything which gets you through another day. Remember, only you can numb the pain and divert yourself from thinking about the futility and desperation which is life. Drink up!
Sincerely,
ATS

 

[Morse]

I know that the Bible is true because I get a warm, fuzzy feeling in my chest and head whenever I read very, very select verses. No God, huh? Disproven!

That's called heart failure

 

[TurkeyOnRye]

That's called heart failure

*Dead*

 

[Kilgore Trout]

Dear ATS,

It has come into my great luck to be able to afford a Ferrari F430. The guy that is selling it also has a Mercedes CLK 63 AMG that I also am quite fond of. I have enough money to buy either. But in my mind says I should buy neither and just stab the guy and take both cars and his woman. What would you do?

Sincerely,
RC

Dear RC,
I have no idea how you've been able to avoid being dragged off by a pack of wild dogs at some point in your life! Personally, I try to avoid driving as I'm worried that I will be overcome with crushing depressing while I'm driving and run myself over a cliff or into a brick wall. Also, if I get another DUI, I'll definitely end up in prison. Have you tried to be an atheist in prison? Not fun!
Sincerely,
ATS

 

[Kilgore Trout]

I know that the Bible is true because I get a warm, fuzzy feeling in my chest and head whenever I read very, very select verses. No God, huh? Disproven!

Dear TurkeyOnRye,
I would weep for you if I had the ability to feel any emotions! It's not god that you're experiencing, it's merely the onset of a stroke. To be fair, many people get the same results when reading the confused musings of a bunch of ancient goat-herders who wandered around under the hot sun too much. I suggest you switch to Judy Blume. Superfudge is hilarious.
Sincerely,
ATS

 

[Kilgore Trout]

Dear ATS,

How come all your advice blows?

Regards,
Morse

Dear Morse,
If you've run out of tampons, buy some more, or simply borrow one from a friend! Obviously, my advice blows because it doesn't suck. If it's sucky advice you want, then look to religion.
Sincerely,
ATS

 

[9-10ths_Penguin]

Dear Atheist,

Have you no shame?!