Ask an Atheist, Get a Snide, Sarcastic Response

[Gentoo]

Dear Atheist,

How can I aspire to be as cool as you?

 

[linwood]

Why is this thread not as snide and or sarcastic as one would expect?

HMM...???

 

[Kilgore Trout]

Dear Atheist,

How can I aspire to be as cool as you?

Dear Gentoo,
If you think your attempt at stroking my ego will save you from being insulted you are absolutely correct! Being cool isn't a matter of how cool you are, but rather how uncool those around you are. The most efficient way to achieve this is to constantly belittle and humiliate people you know, so, by comparison, you will be the coolest person in your group. Others may whine and complain, and even accuse you of not being cool, but remember, they are all just jealous. Oh, and tape signs that say "kick me" to the backs of passing Christians.
Sincerely,
ATS

 

[monta]

I have recently infiltrated a group of Extreme Christians, who have been collecting money for famine relief, they have painstakingly collected €3,000,000 over the last 4 years, as a trusted member I have full access to the bank account, what should I spend the money on?

 

[Gentoo]

Dear Gentoo,
If you think your attempt at stroking my ego will save you from being insulted you are absolutely correct! Being cool isn't a matter of how cool you are, but rather how uncool those around you are. The most efficient way to achieve this is to constantly belittle and humiliate people you know, so, by comparison, you will be the coolest person in your group. Others may whine and complain, and even accuse you of not being cool, but remember, they are all just jealous. Oh, and tape signs that say "kick me" to the backs of passing Christians.
Sincerely,
ATS

Of Course!! It's so obvious now!

 

[Morse]

Dear atotalstranger,

When the omnibus passes midnight, will the brass apparatus alight?

Regards,
Morse

 

[Kilgore Trout]

Why is this thread not as snide and or sarcastic as one would expect?

HMM...???

Dear linwood,
It's a bit early to already be drunk, don't you think! Obviously, this thread could be both more snide and more sarcastic, but I need to keep in mind who the audience is. With the number of mental stillborns present on RF, I have to moderate the snideness and sarcasm so as not to cause PTSD in any of the simple-minded milquetoasts who may accidentally wander into this thread.
Sincerely,
ATS

 

[Kilgore Trout]

I have recently infiltrated a group of Extreme Christians, who have been collecting money for famine relief, they have painstakingly collected €3,000,000 over the last 4 years, as a trusted member I have full access to the bank account, what should I spend the money on?

Dear monta,
Any group who would trust you deserves to have their money stolen! That being said, what the hell is a "€"? I don't know what kind of Monopoly money you people use overseas, but if I'm going to steal money from hungry children, it better damn well be in dollars.
Sincerely,
ATS

 

[Kilgore Trout]

Dear atotalstranger,

When the omnibus passes midnight, will the brass apparatus alight?

Regards,
Morse

Dear Morse,
Your mother was supposed to tell you to not each chips of lead paint when you were a child! What exactly are you mumbling about? The only thing that makes less sense than your confused ramblings is the idea that "god" is something more than a silly delusion to comfort weak minds. I suggest you switch to titanium dioxide immediately.
Sincerely,
ATS

 

[Morse]

Dear Morse,
Your mother was supposed to tell you to not each chips of lead paint when you were a child! What exactly are you mumbling about? The only thing that makes less sense than your confused ramblings is the idea that "god" is something more than a silly delusion to comfort weak minds. I suggest you switch to titanium dioxide immediately.
Sincerely,
ATS

I see, of course it will!

 

[Vile Atheist]

What did Jesus ever do to you!?

 

[Kilgore Trout]

What did Jesus ever do to you!?

Dear ContentiusMaximus,
I am shocked and dismayed that you are allowed to use a computer unsupervised! It is well-known that Jesus died for my sins. The problem is that I didn't ask that presumptuous jerk for anything. Why should I have to suffer through a lifelong guilt-trip because of the delusional self-righteousness of some David Blaine wannabe who lived millenia ago? Now, if he had deposited $10 for me in an interest-bearing account 2000 years ago, it'd be a whole different story.
Sincerely,
ATS

 

[Magic Man]

What is the difference between genius and stupidity?

 

[Magic Man]

This is false advertising. You said "Ask an atheist and get a snide, sarcastic response". Well, I asked, but I'm still waiting for my snide, sarcastic response. You atheists are all alike. It's a good thing I'm not one (even though I believe there's no god).

 

[MissAlice]

This is false advertising. You said "Ask an atheist and get a snide, sarcastic response". Well, I asked, but I'm still waiting for my snide, sarcastic response. You atheists are all alike. It's a good thing I'm not one (even though I believe there's no god).

Wait you believe there's no god?

Mr. Atheist, get in here quick!!!

 

[Nepenthe]

Dear Hater of the Truth,

Are agnostics- like Miss Alice for example- just going through a juvenile phase like that time in college when I made those student films and then the police investigated and nobody could prove that any of the livestock were actually missing so no charges were filed?

 

[Kilgore Trout]

What is the difference between genius and stupidity?

Dear mball,
Being a smart*** doesn't make you smart, it only makes you an ***! According to Albert Einstein (as shown in my signature), the difference is that genius has limits, implying that stupidity has no limits. I simply tend to think that the difference between genius and stupidity is the same as the difference between me and those who send me queries - about 70 IQ points.
Sincerely,
ATS

 

[Kilgore Trout]

This is false advertising. You said "Ask an atheist and get a snide, sarcastic response". Well, I asked, but I'm still waiting for my snide, sarcastic response. You atheists are all alike. It's a good thing I'm not one (even though I believe there's no god).

Dear mball,
Your pathetic display of emotional neediness would sadden me if my ability to feel emotions hadn't withered away from misuse years ago! Apparently, you think I'm at your beck and call. I should find this a very attractive trait, as it is shared by all of my 5 ex-wives - and by 3 of my current ones. However, your lack of a decent rack is a deal-breaker. Come back after you get a boob-job, and I might be able to help with your emotional void.
Sincerely,
ATS

 

[Magic Man]

Dear mball,
Your pathetic display of emotional neediness would sadden me if my ability to feel emotions hadn't withered away from misuse years ago! Apparently, you think I'm at your beck and call. I should find this a very attractive trait, as it is shared by all of my 5 ex-wives - and by 3 of my current ones. However, your lack of a decent rack is a deal-breaker. Come back after you get a boob-job, and I might be able to help with your emotional void.
Sincerely,
ATS

Ha! Caught you! You're no atheist, you're married! Atheists don't get married because they're only interested in sinning by sleeping with as many men and women and animals and plants and chairs as they can. That's why they reject God, so that they can do those things without feeling guilty. You, my friend, are a liar.

 

[Wandered Off]

That's why they reject God, so that they can do those things without feeling guilty.

I thought they reject God because they hate him. Are you trying to schism the religion of atheism or something?