Ask an Atheist, Get a Snide, Sarcastic Response

[Kilgore Trout]

Hey, atotalstranger, why am i an atheist?

Dear rageoftyrael,
Aren't you a little young for dementia to be setting in?!? As everyone knows, atheists are in it for the membership benefits. A guilt-free life of selfish hedonism, drunkeness, and endless drug-fuelled orgies are obviously the primary motivations for becoming an atheist. But additionally, you automatically gain moral and intellectual superiority to your unenlightened, superstitious peers. As an atheist, you are naturally somebody who has a gaping emotional void in your soul, but look at all the fun stuff there is to try and fill it with.
Sincerely,
ATS

 

[Kilgore Trout]

Dear atheist,

What d'y'all think on my personal heroes -- Rush Limbaugh an' Pat Buchanan?

Dear Daemon Sophic,
Reading your query has given me a raging case of hemorrhoids! Many people would equate these two, but they couldn't be further from the truth. On the one hand, Rush Limbaugh is a fat, rich, arrogant, drug-addicted blowhard who screws women half his age. This guy is a model of living a life of hedonistic sin. He's living every atheists dream. On the other hand, Pat Buchanan is a boring, conservative, religious, misogynistic, homophobic, racist anti-semite whose been married to the same butterface for almost 40 years. I bet he hasn't even attended one drug-fuelled orgy in his life. What a waste!
Sincerely,
ATS

 

[monta]

What does snide mean

 

[Quagmire]

What does snide mean

I think you're going to find out. :yes:

 

[rojse]

Dear Atheist

I am a fellow atheist, but lately, I have started to respect the opinions of a theist. Is this a problem, and if so, what should I do?

 

[Kilgore Trout]

What does snide mean

Dear monta,
I can only assume that all the dictionaries over there were eaten during the potato famine! The dictionary defines it as "derogatory in a malicious, superior way." Although this is technically correct, I prefer to define it as "telling people the truth in a way they don't want to hear it, because they're ignorant morons, and heck, they're just going to keep on believing their wrong ideas about things, so you might as well have some fun by insulting their stupidity while you're at it." If being malicious makes me superior, then I don't give two craps about being nice.
Sincerely,
ATS

 

[monta]

Dear monta,
I can only assume that all the dictionaries over there were eaten during the potato famine! The dictionary defines it as "derogatory in a malicious, superior way." Although this is technically correct, I prefer to define it as "telling people the truth in a way they don't want to hear it, because they're ignorant morons, and heck, they're just going to keep on believing their wrong ideas about things, so you might as well have some fun by insulting their stupidity while you're at it." If being malicious makes me superior, then I don't give two craps about being nice.
Sincerely,
ATS

What are dictionaries and what does snide mean again?

 

[Kilgore Trout]

Dear Atheist

I am a fellow atheist, but lately, I have started to respect the opinions of a theist. Is this a problem, and if so, what should I do?

Dear rojse,
Your brain should be used for more than simply filling up your cranium! There are plenty of theists whose opinions I respect. My drug dealer is a christian fundamentalist, yet his ability to judge the characteristics and quality of this week's shipment is amazing. Another friend of mine is extremely religious, yet he's always spot on about which women I should hook up with at orgies. Their fantasies about god have no impact on their opinions about things that matter. It's okay to respect the opinions of theists - just not their delusions.
Sincerely,
ATS

 

[idea]

Wow, this is a really really funny thread guys! I’m laughing my *** off! You know what makes a joke really really really funny?

From the erxperts:

Truth in Comedy: Another helpful guideline can be found in the book “The Truth in Comedy,” written by the masters of the improv craft at Second City in Chicago. Its main thrust is that what makes something funny (a story, a performance, whatever) is that there’s truth behind it.


Here is another quote from one of my favorite comedians:

Mark Twain: “A historian who would convey the truth must lie. Often he must enlarge the truth by diameters, otherwise his reader would not be able to see it.”

LOL! really really funny. Thanks for the laugh everyone!

 

[Kilgore Trout]

What are dictionaries and what does snide mean again?

Dear monta,
I would pity you if I didn't hate you with every fiber of my being! I realize that the absence of dictionaries has probably contributed substantially to the Irish being unintelligible, but I can't see how it would make you prematurely senile. To be fair, I'm not sure a high degree of intellectual ability should be expected from the culture that produced the Riverdance. In the future, please constrain your questions to the subjects of atheism, or god - and I don't mean beer.
Sincerely,
ATS

 

[monta]

To be fair, I'm not sure a high degree of intellectual ability should be expected from the culture that produced the Riverdance. ATS

I concur 100% the US sucks *** intellectually

Michael Flatley - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

 

[Nepenthe]

I concur 100% the US sucks *** intellectually

Michael Flatley - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

 

[Mindful]

When atheists stand before the judgment of God they will be as boxers without arms....Mindful.

 

[monta]

She is not Irish she is Loxian :banghead3:

:ignore:

 

[Kilgore Trout]

I concur 100% the US sucks *** intellectually

Michael Flatley - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

Dear monta,
I see all that drinking has compromised your ability to check sources! "Riverdance is produced and directed by husband and wife team John McColgan and Moya Doherty, controlled through their production company Abhann Productions, based in Dublin." Come to think of it, a foot in the mouth would certainly explain the unintelligibility.
Sincerely,
ATS

 

[idea]

Ask away!

3 questions
1. Now that Atheists are able to overturns Bush’s “conscience rule”, will Christian doctors be fired, put in jail, or killed outright for refusing to perform infanticide?


2. Communist atheists have done a near complete job of successfully killing most Christians in China, North Korea, Cuba, and Vietnam. Now I know that these things take time because they are best done gradually (“The safest road to hell is the gradual one - the gentle slope, soft underfoot, without sudden turnings, without milestones, without signposts. - C. S. Lewis) but seeing how we have been on this road for quite some time now, how much longer before the atheists communist controlled UN takes over the world (if they have not already don so), starts enforcing “hate speech” laws which prohibit the preaching/practicing/gathering of all Christian denominations within those remaining areas in which Christianity is still practiced?


3. One more question – Once atheists are successful at tramping out all of the Christians (through “hate crime” laws, pro-abortion laws, and the communist NWO) What form will the worldwide survival of the fittest/Darwinian ethnic cleansing take place? Will it be fast and painless through the use of atomic warfare? or a slow gradual road to hell? Or a combination of the above?


Just wondering what my kids have to look forward to.
Thanks for the answers!

 

[idea]

one more - this is just too fun!
What kind of prison sentence would I get under the new hate speech laws for reciting the following anti-atheist scripture?

Doctrine and Covenants Section 59:21 And in nothing doth man offend God, or against none is his wrath kindled, save those who confess not his hand in all things, and obey not his commandments.

Just curious.

 

[monta]

Dear monta,
I see all that drinking has compromised your ability to check sources! "Riverdance is produced and directed by husband and wife team John McColgan and Moya Doherty, controlled through their production company Abhann Productions, based in Dublin." Come to think of it, a foot in the mouth would certainly explain the unintelligibility.
Sincerely,
ATS

There is a lot of blame to go around on this one, I will grant you, however while currently produced and directed by Tyrone productions, most of the choreography is down to Flatley :ignore: :run:

 

[linwood]

Now that Atheists are able to overturns Bush’s “conscience rule”, will Christian doctors be fired, put in jail, or killed outright for refusing to perform infanticide? [/SIZE]

I`m pretty sure anti-abortion doctors don`t now nor will engage their profession in the area of abortion or birth control so your query is..meaningless.

2. Communist atheists have done a near complete job of successfully killing most Christians in China, North Korea, Cuba, and Vietnam. Now I know that these things take time because they are best done gradually (“The safest road to hell is the gradual one - the gentle slope, soft underfoot, without sudden turnings, without milestones, without signposts. - C. S. Lewis) but seeing how we have been on this road for quite some time now, how much longer before the atheists communist controlled UN takes over the world (if they have not already don so), starts enforcing “hate speech” laws which prohibit the preaching/practicing/gathering of all Christian denominations within those remaining areas in which Christianity is still practiced?

The UN isn`t able to distribute humanitarian aid without screwing it up.
I don`t think they`ll be taking over the world anytime soon.

3. One more question – Once atheists are successful at tramping out all of the Christians (through “hate crime” laws, pro-abortion laws, and the communist NWO) What form will the worldwide survival of the fittest/Darwinian ethnic cleansing take place? Will it be fast and painless through the use of atomic warfare? or a slow gradual road to hell? Or a combination of the above?

Yeah them damn atheists are everywhere!!

The 7% or so in this country have really been able to trample down the other 90% of religious people at an alarming rate!

What a joke.

Edit:

That was fairly sarcastic but not quite snide enough.

I`ll work on that.
Sorry

 

[Kilgore Trout]

Wow, this is a really really funny thread guys! I’m laughing my *** off! You know what makes a joke really really really funny?

From the erxperts:

Truth in Comedy: Another helpful guideline can be found in the book “The Truth in Comedy,” written by the masters of the improv craft at Second City in Chicago. Its main thrust is that what makes something funny (a story, a performance, whatever) is that there’s truth behind it.


Here is another quote from one of my favorite comedians:

Mark Twain: “A historian who would convey the truth must lie. Often he must enlarge the truth by diameters, otherwise his reader would not be able to see it.”

LOL! really really funny. Thanks for the laugh everyone!

Dear idea,
Your comments regarding truth in humor are spot on! The fact that many religious people believe these ridiculous things about atheists is, indeed, the main thrust of the thread. Confirmation that a religionist is ignorant enough to believe these moronic lies supports the truth of the farcical humor of this thread. Score one for the truth of humor, and you're welcome for the laughs.
Sincerely,
ATS