Songbird
She rules her life like a bird in flight
Times have achanged!
Good times, that. I hope grong becomes a word.Just as long as he's not grong. You don't want to be grong.
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Cohabitation before Marriage | Good or Bad
- Thread starter Trey of Diamonds
- Start date
HerDotness
Lady Babbleon
My husband and I lived together for a decade before getting married, and then we only did so because I hated my boss, wanted to walk out of my job and needed medical insurance. At over 55, you just don't get a job as readily as when you're younger, so we married to get me on hubby's health insurance.
Otherwise, we'd likely have continued quite happily living together.
Any relationship can ultimately disintegrate, but I do think you have a better idea of whether or not you can tolerate your potential spouse's weird little habits if you live together rather than marrying and then finding out about all those strange quirks that aren't revealed when you're dating.
Otherwise, we'd likely have continued quite happily living together.
Any relationship can ultimately disintegrate, but I do think you have a better idea of whether or not you can tolerate your potential spouse's weird little habits if you live together rather than marrying and then finding out about all those strange quirks that aren't revealed when you're dating.
Trey of Diamonds
Well-Known Member
Could it be that I found a topic everyone on the Forum can agree on? I wonder if that would qualify as a miracle?
The Apocalypse is nigh!
Guitar's Cry
Disciple of Pan
Meg and I have been living together for a good six years and we have not yet married. We feel it's a good idea. We've really gotten to know each other without being confined in the marriage.
Trey of Diamonds
Well-Known Member
I do believe cohabitation can work. But looking at all the numbers of several reports in general more cohabited relations end in divorse than noncohabited relations.
I knew my wife a month before I preposed and after 2 months preposed and after 3 months was married. No living together or sex before marraige.
I did tell her that if we got married it would be forever no getting out and she agreed. That agreement is what saved my marriage and has allowed us to be currently happy. We are married 15 years.
I would say marriage requires commitment and cohabitation is avoidance of commitment. When a cohabitating couple agrees to commit the marriage will work if they get married due to time being together, pressure from kids, or pressure from others it will end badly.
The same can be said for couples that get married in general, but couples that forgo the cohabitation are probably more inclinded to commitment.
Its hardly a major difference but the difference shows up in every study.
I knew my wife a month before I preposed and after 2 months preposed and after 3 months was married. No living together or sex before marraige.
I did tell her that if we got married it would be forever no getting out and she agreed. That agreement is what saved my marriage and has allowed us to be currently happy. We are married 15 years.
I would say marriage requires commitment and cohabitation is avoidance of commitment. When a cohabitating couple agrees to commit the marriage will work if they get married due to time being together, pressure from kids, or pressure from others it will end badly.
The same can be said for couples that get married in general, but couples that forgo the cohabitation are probably more inclinded to commitment.
Its hardly a major difference but the difference shows up in every study.
Songbird
She rules her life like a bird in flight
There seems to be a recent drastic drop in marriage rates due to the recession. I've been running into a lot of articles lately about it - one aspect is that marriage rates are not dropping much for the upper classes, but it's all but nonexistent for the poorest communities. Class division is increasing in several ways. Any way you cut it, analyzing social trends is very complex.
Songbird
She rules her life like a bird in flight
Not so!
The difference showed in studies, but not anymore. What used to hold true for a culture has changed. People delay marriage now mostly for economic reasons, but also for new reasons not previously listed in studies - and cohabitate for many of the same reasons.
But you have to search for studies post 2009. The change has been recent.
Carpenter Rabbi
Member
The only problem I can think of for it is that it causes people to expect the couple to become married, (sub-)consciously placing pressure on the couple to become married even if they don't feel ready, or aren't compatible.
'Course, it also allows the couple to better test how good they are for each other, and make a decision with better information. So it's really a double-edged sword.
'Course, it also allows the couple to better test how good they are for each other, and make a decision with better information. So it's really a double-edged sword.
illykitty
RF's pet cat
Well in my case, we were going to get married anyway. We were engaged. We were only waiting for me to be old enough! (I was 19 when we got engaged, 21 when we married.)
I don't see how it's a bad thing to co-habit before getting married, especially if the intention is there. It's a lot easier to deal with someone you don't get along with when you're not married because then you can just part ways if it's really not going well. Divorces are a lot more problematic!
I don't see how it's a bad thing to co-habit before getting married, especially if the intention is there. It's a lot easier to deal with someone you don't get along with when you're not married because then you can just part ways if it's really not going well. Divorces are a lot more problematic!
work in progress
Well-Known Member
So far, the consensus in this little group is that living together before marriage improves the odds of success...rather than having any detrimental effects on the marriage....but then again, we haven't heard from Rick Santorum yet! He has a lot of free time on his hands now...maybe he'll notice this discussion and chime in with some pearls of wisdom. Seriously though, we lived together for almost three years before getting married officially a little more than 24 years ago...so my experience matches the consensus here also.
One thing I don't see mentioned here yet, is that the reason for the sudden rise in divorce rates a few decades back was that women did not have to stay stuck in bad marriages. Before 40 years ago, any woman who left her husband (for whatever reason) was a social pariah, like my aunt who (and her children, and her lifelong common-law husband) were never invited to family events like weddings and reunions. The only thing they got invited to attend were the funerals, if that was any consolation!
Speaking of women's happiness and fulfillment, I've heard mentioned a few times recently how younger women do not want to get into any kind of longterm relationship, let alone marriage, if they haven't learned first whether they are sexually compatible. The phrase:' I need to know how the guy measures up' came up a time or two. So, in this realm of modern expectations, I don't see how the old fashioned Christian dictates about: virginity before marriage and only missionary position sex afterwards for the purposes of procreation, can lead to any successful marriages today. And the U.S. social research data which shows the most religious fundamentalist states having the highest divorce rates (among their other social ills) would be evidence that trial marriages and sex before marriage, are good things, and the neurotic obsessions with abstinence and virginity are the bad things that make people crazy.
-Peacemaker-
.45 Cal
There's alot of studies which show cohabitation to lead to higher rates of divorce. Given that this is a "moral" issue, naturally there are studies which "support" both sides of the argument.
Me Myself
Back to my username
This.
I would also cohabit first.
You first gotta try it out after all. Nothing to lose, everything to gain.
-Peacemaker-
.45 Cal
Kathryn
It was on fire when I laid down on it.
This is my personal opinion applied to my own personal life.
My parents did not live together before marriage, and they've been happily married for over fifty years.
Living together before marriage doesn't seem to reduce the divorce rate.
Personally, I lived with my husband for just a few weeks before we were married - and it had more to do with a lease situation than anything else. We were engaged with a wedding date. We dated about a year before getting married. We have been very happily married for six years now.
Oh and did I mention that for most of those weeks we lived together before marriage, he was overseas? So it hardly even counts!
I personally would not live with anyone prior to marriage unless we were officially engaged with a wedding date that was clearly defined. But - I am a very monogamous person, I enjoy marriage, and hell, if I am going to move in and set up house, I'm not going through all that if marriage is not in the plans.
Also, I like the independence of my own place and my own life if I'm not at the point in a relationship to be engaged. Not engaged or married? I have wider parameters and those parameters include my own physical and emotional space and solitary time.
But hey, that's just me.
My parents did not live together before marriage, and they've been happily married for over fifty years.
Living together before marriage doesn't seem to reduce the divorce rate.
Personally, I lived with my husband for just a few weeks before we were married - and it had more to do with a lease situation than anything else. We were engaged with a wedding date. We dated about a year before getting married. We have been very happily married for six years now.
Oh and did I mention that for most of those weeks we lived together before marriage, he was overseas? So it hardly even counts!
I personally would not live with anyone prior to marriage unless we were officially engaged with a wedding date that was clearly defined. But - I am a very monogamous person, I enjoy marriage, and hell, if I am going to move in and set up house, I'm not going through all that if marriage is not in the plans.
Also, I like the independence of my own place and my own life if I'm not at the point in a relationship to be engaged. Not engaged or married? I have wider parameters and those parameters include my own physical and emotional space and solitary time.
But hey, that's just me.
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Lived together with my first husband before our wedding, and that was a disaster.
Lived together with Steve for several months before our wedding, and we were already engaged. It was purely for economical reasons, however, and not so much as a dry run for married life and commitment. We were already doing that with our day to day conversations and planning.
It worked out well for us. Going on ten years of marriage so far.
Lived together with Steve for several months before our wedding, and we were already engaged. It was purely for economical reasons, however, and not so much as a dry run for married life and commitment. We were already doing that with our day to day conversations and planning.
It worked out well for us. Going on ten years of marriage so far.
Pfft! Ten years is all it would take me to go through two marriages, let alone one. Once again, I win!
EndlessArising
Member
I can't imagine marrying someone without living with them first. There are so many issues which can arise. Why wait to see if you are compatible?