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Corny Jokes Thread
- Thread starter xkatz
- Start date
Rainbow Mage
Lib Democrat/Agnostic/Epicurean-ish/Buddhist-ish
There was a blond, brunette and red head. They all went on a tour in the dessert, and the tour car broke down, so the tour guide told them they'd have to walk to the next town, to carry one thing they think they'd need with them. The red head grabbed a bottle of water. The brunette grabed a solar powered fan. The blond ripped the car door off and started dragging it along. When asked why she brought the water, the red head said: "So I can drink it when I get hot and cool off." The brunette said, regarding the solar powered fan: "So when I get hot I can turn it on and cool off." The tour guide asked the blond: "Why did you bring the car door?" The blond replied: "So when it gets hot I can roll down the window and cool off."
DeitySlayer
President of Chindia
Says in small grey font underneath; 'Pursian'
LOL I got another one with a religious slant
A man goes to see his priest.
'Father, my wife keeps falling asleep in church'
'Here, take this stick. If she starts to doze off, give her a poke'
The next day they attend church.
The priest is preaching his sermon.
'And who is our father in heaven?'
The wife begins to doze off and the man pokes her.
'GOD!'
'Yeah, that's right! And who is his son on earth?'
The wife begins to doze off and the man pokes her again.
'JESUS!'
'Correct! And what did Eve say to Adam after their 60th child?'
The wife begins to doze off again and the man pokes her.
'IF YOU STICK THAT THING IN ME ONE MORE TIME, I WILL SNAP IT IN HALF AND SHOVE IT UP YOUR ARSE!'
Engyo
Prince of Dorkness!
Saturday afternoon, quiet local bar. A few regulars hanging out, nothing much else going on. Suddenly, the door bangs open and a dog trots in and sits on a bar stool. The bartender just looks at him. The dog says, "I'll have a shot and a beer."
The bartender says, "First, dogs don't come into my bar. Second, they don't sit on my barstool. and third, I don't serve dogs in here. Get out."
The dog says, "I said, I'll have a shot and a beer."
The bartender says, "I said, get out!" and pulls out his pistol.
The dog says, "Hey, chill.1 I just wanna drink!" raising his front legs.
The bartender fires, winging the dog. "Yipe, yipe, yipe......." is heard as the dog vanishes out the door.
Several months go by.
Saturday afternoon, quiet local bar. A few regulars hanging out, nothing much else going on. Suddenly, the door bangs open and in walks the dog. He is wearing a black cowboy hat, black boots with spurs, and a black gunbelt with twin pearl-handled six-shooters. He comes walking bowlegged up to the bar and drawls, "Ah'm a-lookin' for the man who shot my paw..........."
http://instantrimshot.com/
The bartender says, "First, dogs don't come into my bar. Second, they don't sit on my barstool. and third, I don't serve dogs in here. Get out."
The dog says, "I said, I'll have a shot and a beer."
The bartender says, "I said, get out!" and pulls out his pistol.
The dog says, "Hey, chill.1 I just wanna drink!" raising his front legs.
The bartender fires, winging the dog. "Yipe, yipe, yipe......." is heard as the dog vanishes out the door.
Several months go by.
Saturday afternoon, quiet local bar. A few regulars hanging out, nothing much else going on. Suddenly, the door bangs open and in walks the dog. He is wearing a black cowboy hat, black boots with spurs, and a black gunbelt with twin pearl-handled six-shooters. He comes walking bowlegged up to the bar and drawls, "Ah'm a-lookin' for the man who shot my paw..........."
http://instantrimshot.com/
Autodidact
Intentionally Blank
Two atoms bumped into each other walking down the hall.
Atom #1: Hey, watch out, you knocked one of my electrons off.
Atom #2: Are you sure?
#1: Yes, I'm positive.
I love that joke.
Atom #1: Hey, watch out, you knocked one of my electrons off.
Atom #2: Are you sure?
#1: Yes, I'm positive.
I love that joke.
What do you do if a blond throws a pin at you?
Run! There's a grenade in her mouth.
Run! There's a grenade in her mouth.
Wandered Off
Sporadic Driveby Member
Once there were two racehorses, Charlie and Joe, and they were the the fastest racehorses ever to grace the track.
Nobody could beat Charlie.... except Joe.
These horses were brothers. They were raised on the same ranch, born from the same mare, they ate from the same feedbag and drank from the same trough. These were brothers.
Spirits were high as the Kentucky Derby approached. Charlie was, however, beginning to tire of always finishing second. He approached Joe: "Hey Joe, we're brothers. We were raised on the same ranch, born from the same mare, we eat from the same feedbag and drink from the same trough. I mean, we're brothers. Do you think maybe this year you could let me win the Derby?"
Joe thought about it and said, "OK, sure. It's your year." Charlie rared up and galloped away cheerfully, because, as you remember, nobody could beat Charlie.... except Joe.
Race day finally arrived, and the crowd was tense with anticipation. This year, once again all the betting was that the race would come down to the brothers, Charlie and Joe. Bookies all knew that nobody could beat Charlie.... except Joe.
"Boy are they in for a surprise" thought Charlie excitedly. He pranced over to Joe and said, "Remember Joe, you said you're gonna let me win this time, right?" Joe reassured his twin. "You bet, Chuck. It's your year."
The race was exciting as always, and it came down to the final lap. Charlie was a good length out in front and feeling on top of the world! The crowd was screaming and bookies were frantically talking on their cell phones when, on the home stretch, out of nowhere Joe turned on the speed and blew past his brother. Nobody could beat Charlie.... except Joe.
Charlie was devastated. He sulked for weeks and wouldn't even look or speak to his brother. As the Belmont Stakes were coming up - the last of the Triple Crown races - Charlie finally worked up the will to approach Joe.
"Joe, I can't tell you how devastated I was when you ran right past me after you said I could win. I mean, we're brothers... We were raised on the same ranch, born from the same mare, we eat from the same feedbag and drink from the same trough. We're brothers. How could you lie like that?"
Joe said, "Yeah, I feel bad. Tell you what: The Belmont Stakes will be your race." Charlie couldn't contain his excitement and trained harder than ever, because he knew that nobody could beat Charlie.... except Joe.
You could hear the trumpet blast announcing that Race Day had begun. Charlie was all excited, just knowing that Joe felt bad and surely wouldn't pull the same stunt this time. As the gates opened, Charlie took a commanding lead and dominated the pack. He was positively giddy when he could see the finish line approaching. The giddiness came to an abrupt halt when he saw Joe pass him in a blur. Nobody could beat Charlie.... except Joe.
It was a solemn day on the horse farm as the twins were unloaded from their air-conditioned trailer. Other animals on the ranch felt the tension too. Charlie was sobbing quietly. "After all that, and you did it again. Aren't we brothers? We were raised on the same ranch, born from the same mare, we eat from the same feedbag and drink from the same trough. We're brothers, right?"
Joe felt really bad this time. He couldn't think of a way to comfort his brother. Finally, he had an idea... He went over to Charlie and said, "Look. How about we race to that stump over there behind the barn? I promise I'll let you win this time." Charlie, barely able to choke out any words through the tears, reluctantly agreed.
The other animals were excited. How cool would it be to see the two fastest horses in the world duke it out right there on the farm! Joe nodded at Charlie to get going to give him a head start. Charlie was feeling good again in his element. He loved running, and this was his day! He was bursting with pride as he approached the stump, when suddenly Joe zoomed past, once again dashing Charlie's dreams. There was no consoling Charlie this time. He fell on the ground in a quivering, sobbing heap.
The dog was stunned. He went over to Joe, who was standing over Charlie and said, "I can't believe you did that! You're brothers. You were raised on the same ranch, born from the same mare, you ate from the same feedbag and drank from the same trough. I mean, you are brothers!"
Joe looked over at Charlie and said, "Check it out! A talking dog!"
Nobody could beat Charlie.... except Joe.
These horses were brothers. They were raised on the same ranch, born from the same mare, they ate from the same feedbag and drank from the same trough. These were brothers.
Spirits were high as the Kentucky Derby approached. Charlie was, however, beginning to tire of always finishing second. He approached Joe: "Hey Joe, we're brothers. We were raised on the same ranch, born from the same mare, we eat from the same feedbag and drink from the same trough. I mean, we're brothers. Do you think maybe this year you could let me win the Derby?"
Joe thought about it and said, "OK, sure. It's your year." Charlie rared up and galloped away cheerfully, because, as you remember, nobody could beat Charlie.... except Joe.
Race day finally arrived, and the crowd was tense with anticipation. This year, once again all the betting was that the race would come down to the brothers, Charlie and Joe. Bookies all knew that nobody could beat Charlie.... except Joe.
"Boy are they in for a surprise" thought Charlie excitedly. He pranced over to Joe and said, "Remember Joe, you said you're gonna let me win this time, right?" Joe reassured his twin. "You bet, Chuck. It's your year."
The race was exciting as always, and it came down to the final lap. Charlie was a good length out in front and feeling on top of the world! The crowd was screaming and bookies were frantically talking on their cell phones when, on the home stretch, out of nowhere Joe turned on the speed and blew past his brother. Nobody could beat Charlie.... except Joe.
Charlie was devastated. He sulked for weeks and wouldn't even look or speak to his brother. As the Belmont Stakes were coming up - the last of the Triple Crown races - Charlie finally worked up the will to approach Joe.
"Joe, I can't tell you how devastated I was when you ran right past me after you said I could win. I mean, we're brothers... We were raised on the same ranch, born from the same mare, we eat from the same feedbag and drink from the same trough. We're brothers. How could you lie like that?"
Joe said, "Yeah, I feel bad. Tell you what: The Belmont Stakes will be your race." Charlie couldn't contain his excitement and trained harder than ever, because he knew that nobody could beat Charlie.... except Joe.
You could hear the trumpet blast announcing that Race Day had begun. Charlie was all excited, just knowing that Joe felt bad and surely wouldn't pull the same stunt this time. As the gates opened, Charlie took a commanding lead and dominated the pack. He was positively giddy when he could see the finish line approaching. The giddiness came to an abrupt halt when he saw Joe pass him in a blur. Nobody could beat Charlie.... except Joe.
It was a solemn day on the horse farm as the twins were unloaded from their air-conditioned trailer. Other animals on the ranch felt the tension too. Charlie was sobbing quietly. "After all that, and you did it again. Aren't we brothers? We were raised on the same ranch, born from the same mare, we eat from the same feedbag and drink from the same trough. We're brothers, right?"
Joe felt really bad this time. He couldn't think of a way to comfort his brother. Finally, he had an idea... He went over to Charlie and said, "Look. How about we race to that stump over there behind the barn? I promise I'll let you win this time." Charlie, barely able to choke out any words through the tears, reluctantly agreed.
The other animals were excited. How cool would it be to see the two fastest horses in the world duke it out right there on the farm! Joe nodded at Charlie to get going to give him a head start. Charlie was feeling good again in his element. He loved running, and this was his day! He was bursting with pride as he approached the stump, when suddenly Joe zoomed past, once again dashing Charlie's dreams. There was no consoling Charlie this time. He fell on the ground in a quivering, sobbing heap.
The dog was stunned. He went over to Joe, who was standing over Charlie and said, "I can't believe you did that! You're brothers. You were raised on the same ranch, born from the same mare, you ate from the same feedbag and drank from the same trough. I mean, you are brothers!"
Joe looked over at Charlie and said, "Check it out! A talking dog!"
Autodidact
Intentionally Blank
God was concerned about the moral situation on earth. He sent one of His angels down to investigate and report back. "It's pretty bad," said the angel. "From my research, it appears that about 95% of the people are immoral, and only about 5% are moral." God decided He needed to implement a plan. The first step was to send out an e-mail encouraging the good people, so at least it wouldn't get worse. So He sent an e-mail to the good people. And do you know what it said?
tumbleweed41
Resident Liberal Hippie
What were Adams first words to Eve?
Stand back, I don't know how big this thing is going to get.
DeitySlayer
President of Chindia
What's the difference between Rob Green and Justin Beiber?
Justin Beiber hasn't dropped any balls. :biglaugh:
OK, look, generally I find Rob Green jokes funny...
But that last one just crossed the line!
Justin Beiber hasn't dropped any balls. :biglaugh:
OK, look, generally I find Rob Green jokes funny...
But that last one just crossed the line!
Ow! *rubs side*
That's cruel.
It also reminds me of the Purple Gorilla Joke. I don't have 4 hours to devote to telling the joke ending in the biggest letdown of a punchline.
xkatz
Well-Known Member
That's cruel.
It also reminds me of the Purple Gorilla Joke. I don't have 4 hours to devote to telling the joke ending in the biggest letdown of a punchline.
I agree those are cruel to tell, although I admit Wandered Off's is pretty funny.
FlyingTeaPot
Irrational Rationalist. Educated Fool.
here's one, but it's a bit blue:
So, an old man and woman are sittin' on the porch, rockin'.
After a bit, the old man looks at the woman and says: "F*** you, ma."
Nother few moments pass, and the old woman looks at the man and says: "F*** you, pa."
Keep on rockin, and finally, pa looks over and says "Ma?"
"What, Pa?"
"This oral sex thing ain't all it's cracked up to be."
So, an old man and woman are sittin' on the porch, rockin'.
After a bit, the old man looks at the woman and says: "F*** you, ma."
Nother few moments pass, and the old woman looks at the man and says: "F*** you, pa."
Keep on rockin, and finally, pa looks over and says "Ma?"
"What, Pa?"
"This oral sex thing ain't all it's cracked up to be."
Rainbow Mage
Lib Democrat/Agnostic/Epicurean-ish/Buddhist-ish
There was a little boy, and one day he went walking down the road with some duct tape. He went walking by this old man's house with the duct tape. The old man was sitting on his porch rocking. He sees the little boy, so he says: "Hey boy, where you going with that duct tape?"
"To catch me some ducks, sir."
"You can't catch ducks with duct tape."
Well an hour later the boy came back by with ducks. The old man says: "Well I'll be da*ned."
So the next day the boy goes walking by carrying chicken wire. The old man asks him where he's going.
"To catch some chickens."
The old man tells him he can't catch chickens with chicken wire, but an hour later he comes back with chickens. The old man says: "I'll be dam*ed."
So the next day the little boy walks by carrying a pussywillow branch. The old man says: "Hold on, I'll get my coat."
"To catch me some ducks, sir."
"You can't catch ducks with duct tape."
Well an hour later the boy came back by with ducks. The old man says: "Well I'll be da*ned."
So the next day the boy goes walking by carrying chicken wire. The old man asks him where he's going.
"To catch some chickens."
The old man tells him he can't catch chickens with chicken wire, but an hour later he comes back with chickens. The old man says: "I'll be dam*ed."
So the next day the little boy walks by carrying a pussywillow branch. The old man says: "Hold on, I'll get my coat."
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DeitySlayer
President of Chindia
Lmao!
Pliny, an elderly man at the nursing home just broke up with Mavis.
Edith, seeing an opportunity for a little boot knocking, sat down next to him.
Small talk wasn't working.
Randy talk failed too.
Finally, she rummaged around & grabbed him most intimately.
He was unmoved, & even started dozing off.
Fed up, she cried, "What does Mavis have that I don't ?!?!".
"Parkinsons", he replied.
Edith, seeing an opportunity for a little boot knocking, sat down next to him.
Small talk wasn't working.
Randy talk failed too.
Finally, she rummaged around & grabbed him most intimately.
He was unmoved, & even started dozing off.
Fed up, she cried, "What does Mavis have that I don't ?!?!".
"Parkinsons", he replied.
Rainbow Mage
Lib Democrat/Agnostic/Epicurean-ish/Buddhist-ish
There was a blond staying at a hotel in New York City. Her room had this drink machine right outside in the hall. So she went out there and decided to put a dollar in. She pressed the coke button and got a coke. So she nodded to herself and put another dollar in, pressed the Sprite button, got a Sprite. A business man walked up behind her patiently waiting to use the machine. She put in another dollar, pressed Minute Maid, and got Minute Maid. The business man taps her on the shoulder.
"Excuse me ma'am," he says. "I only need one and I'm in a rush. Can I go before you?"
She looks at him and says: "Shut up! I'm winning."
"Excuse me ma'am," he says. "I only need one and I'm in a rush. Can I go before you?"
She looks at him and says: "Shut up! I'm winning."
Autodidact
Intentionally Blank
Mom Tomato, Dad Tomato, and little kid tomato were out taking a walk, but the little kid tomato kept falling behind, so dad went back and pounded him on the head and said, "Catch up!"