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Could forgive your lover?
- Thread starter Godobeyer
- Start date
MD
qualiaphile
Actually I stated that forgiveness is important for yourself. Hate ties you down. But to forgive the person and resume being with them is unwise.
As for importance, when someone cheats on you it is a declaration that your importance is null compared to theirs.
Buying expensive cars.
Doug has sexed a few other people in the last few years. I know plenty about them. What they have in common is referred to as "young, dumb and full of come". Honestly, I don't think any of them were even born when Doug and I moved in together ~23 years ago. They are nothing like a threat to me or the relationship. And I know that Doug remembers the AIDS years well enough to use protection.
Frankly, I am not as athletic as Zach is. He can do that with Doug. I don't even want to.
I get more angry when Doug buys a Corvette or something because I don't care much for such things and resent the financial pressure. Yeah, technically he was paying. But still. ...
I was really unhappy about a two seater car that cost literally more than our house did.
Especially since he promised not to do it until we agreed on one. He totally lied to me about that.Tom
No, it's not. Forgiveness isn't about keeping toxic people in our lives. Forgiveness is about not holding a grudge, and not living your life in anger over what someone else did to you. I've forgiven people who have hurt me before, and they'e remained in my life as friends, but if my fiance cheats on me, I'd forgive him...but we would be done. Because he ended it when he cheated, not because I'm incapable of forgiving. But, you have to discover this on your own, I hope no one ever cheats on you.
And releasing a cheater to go on to whoever they were cheating on you with, allows them to f*ck around without having to sneak around. They should be thankful for being set free. lol
But usually cheaters want their main partner, spouse etc...AND to have their side cake. This is why a lot of second marriages that started from affairs, crash and burn more often than first marriages. lol
Btw, I have other question.No, it's not. Forgiveness isn't about keeping toxic people in our lives. Forgiveness is about not holding a grudge, and not living your life in anger over what someone else did to you. I've forgiven people who have hurt me before, and they'e remained in my life as friends, but if my fiance cheats on me, I'd forgive him...but we would be done. Because he ended it when he cheated, not because I'm incapable of forgiving. But, you have to discover this on your own, I hope no one ever cheats on you.
If your fiance is here with us,he voted "Yes", I mean he told you if you cheat on me, I will forgive you,and would be OK.
I mean he give you "the green light" to cheat on him.
what would your reaction,stay with him or leave on him ?
PeteC-UK
Active Member
Hi Folks...
Deidre; Not necassarily though - perhaps the first marriage is a "mistake" and the "affair" could turn out to be the real deal after all
I actually have a lot of personal insight here, as well, I did EXACTLY that - got married young after I got her pregnant - thought it was the "right thing to do" - was TAUGHT it was the right thing to do - and yet - totally unprepared I wrecked the lives of her our two children and my self of course - and all those others caught up on the edges...Divorced after less than a year - I left her for the BABYSITTER - who I have to say I took one look at and instantly knew SHE was the One - like absolutely - I would move heaven and Earth to make it happen - like it felt NECASSARY is the only way to describe it - we had an affair - I gladly left my wife and two young kids without even a second thought or look back...Despicable I know - but as I say - it did indeed feel right and necassary - a definate compelling that despite my better judgement I simply could not resist, did not really want to resist it at all..........
It sounds an old cliche - but it is perfectly true - only only in the dark can we see the Light shine clearly
And with hindsight I know now full well this was me off on a dark path trying to discover Who and What Iam... Like my Soul said I will show you first who you are NOT - then you may discover the truth... Without her, the baby sitter who is now my second wife still - 28 years now and stronger than ever. - none of this would be possible - I would STILL be that despicable selfish little twat wrecking lives without conscience or remorse....I can honestly say I owe her my very Soul for it was her who showed it to me clearly even though we had no clue about any spiritual overtures and even though I never yet realised that that was the PURPOSE of life itself to come TO this Self realisation... All that calamity and upheavel - the "wrongness" of it all turned out to be necassary - I believe it fully - so that I could find my Self and in turn reveal my true Self to HER so she too would learn and prosper (and others of course)... Now - I appreciate that may sound like a "cop out" to some an excuse ot hide my despicable acts behind - perhaps - may indeed be me deceiving my self perhaps to cover failings - BUT - I have to say It worked EXACTLY like that, reasons clearly revealed... All things happen for a REASON Folks - we are always a Self created Being - we do this either fully known or in ignorance of Self but ALWAYS we are indeed Self created...As said, relationships are much more about getting to know the SELF primarily rather than about getting to know the Other - and infidelity is always a matter of this Self ignorance...
So Im saying that life - especially the aspects of LOVE - are not really what we believe them to be...This is because we are NOT a finite MORTAL creature with just one life - but an ETERNAL SOUL with as many lives as necassary to uncover our truth....It is always a journey of Self discovery - the Others are here to help us achieve this - and in turn we are to help them come to THIER truth also... There is a very real and valid human emotion -TRUE love - that surpasses and accounts for EVERY conceivable circumstance and will keep you bonded One to the Other as said, NO MATTER WHAT life throws at You.... I know this and speak of it so confidently as I have found it - it was my foundation - I came from it - turned my Self away from it to test its truth - and I have returned to it again having found it to be legitimate and universal after all... I honestly dont think we can achieve it until we stop lying and deceiving our little self first but it IS there, real and valid - the prize and reward for the hard isolated lives we must live.....Just as Christ said - without holding this inner peace then all else is "poverty" by comparison...
The thing we call "love" is not actually LOVE at all - is it..??.....Mortal love - is a BARGAIN - an agreement - its a SUPERFICIAL BOND easily broken - made by the surface mind alone but not necassarily a pact made by the eternal Soul...It goes like - I love YOU but ONLY IF...................." - fill in the blanks with all manner of rules and conditions that must be met BEFORE we actually give this "love" to them....If they fail we stop loving - it is a "business arrangement" a transaction - always there are CONDITIONS - and it is THIS mindset that brings the problems when infidelity occurs....Folks - this is NOT YOU - this is NOT your nature at all - this is a SOCIETAL LEARNED RESPONSE - and it brings confusion and misery when you discover that your truth isnt ACTUALLY the way you have been led to believe...This disappointment leads to JEALOUSY ANGER HATRED and the "love" you thought you had soon becomes its complete opposite doesnt it..?..We begin to despise the One who betrayed us as if it was a personal attack - but rarely is it that - nearly always it is as said - the other does NOT know their Self any more than we know OUR Self - and it is always this ignorance at the cause of all the dramas... It amazes me for instance - to see two spouses arguing - under normal conditions they exhibit love, kindness compassion - but even confronting each other they soon forget all that - forget the SELF - and now arguing are hurling abuse and insults trying to wound and HURT the other on purpose...They have FORGOTTEN the Self totally in that instant havent they..?... See clearly how the world shapes and moulds us ALWAYS ( as long as we allow it to happen) and understand THAT REFELCTION of Self presented as REACTION is not the TRUE Self...
When though - we do actually find that legitimate Self and the love I speak of - can hold to it and remain true to the Self - then all those dramas of life change in an instant - no longer even important - cause and affect seen clearly...No matter WHAT the Other has done you WILL "forgive" them even before they act for you will know their nature and will accomodate them always - for this I SOUR NATURE.. This is not a "weakness" on our behalf - it is a strength that cannot be bested - unbeatable - bulletproof so to speak.....I know it seems so alien and hard to fathom for most of us with little real world evidence to show - that is because the world is full of Self ignorant people - but trust me it is real and vallid ...Find this love and peace within and the world out there CHANGES signinficantly..
My own parents - unbelievable - met when my father was 17 my mother was 14....The war just starting so my dad off to fight for a few years - comes home they marry age 21 and 19 - 5 children - literally "to death do us part" - and I swear not even once did I EVER hear them row or argue - not in our presence at least....Like ALWAYS totally united - totally devoted One to the Other... They both told me openly they had never so much as even kissed an other EVER - totally faithful committed....Growing up I had THAT to compare to all my mates who had "broken homes" and so it seemed natural that I would test this truth for my Self...I tell you for sure we are capable of much MUCH better than we allow the Self to settle for in life - and it is always because we are IGNORANT of Self that we allow this stagnation to occur..Find this truth and this love I speak of though and all the other "prizes" in life become pale and insignificant in comparison....
You will (all) AMAZE your Self at the things you will put up with and accept - just as long as the Other is learning, growing revealing their truth...OFTEN - this is a PAINFUL process for we constantly lie and hide our Self away -TAUGHT to do it arent we..??...But ALLOW them to be the Self - SHOW them who YOU ARE truly - it IS your PURPOSE after all, trust me this is so.. I saw that love my parents had - easily held without effort - I wanted and CRAVED IT ALWAYS - and I tell you we ALL DO - you cannot have it UNTIL you KNOW YOUR SELF fully - how else can you know the Other at all UNLESS you know your truth first..??...Try not to let the world disuade you or obscure you - sidetrack you or make you to hide your Self away...Be true to the Self always and its rewards are substantial...Things like infidelity will no longer bring anger rage and hostility to the mind - for you will know its NOT a personal attack but just a moment of forgetting - a moment of ignorance.... You will see past it easily - forgive it easily.... My wife - has had numerous drunken one night stands - even a couple of afafars - indeed is a "recovering alcoholic" as they say - we broke up for 3 years even but it all just made us stronger evetnually... I had been with her 18 years - we split - she met someone else just 18 MONTHS and then had HIS name tattooed on her back....Perhaps that was the hardest to forgive - marking her Self as "his property" even though She IS eternally Mine....Hard to forgive perhaps - but as said - Self ignorance - she - at that time - did not appreciate her Soul or her eternal nature -saw only mortal and immediate concerns and circumstances and so acted according to THAT Self perception always... Such Self truth is as I say, often painful to uncover - but always remember - the Other is ONLY there to aid us in this journey of Self discovery - just as you are to aid them in theirs - therefore again as Christ said - first know thy Self and ALWAYS follow and allow THAT guidance here in the world... The reward is a great power indeed that you will then use to likewise empower those you love....These issues such as infidelity, "betrayal" and the cascade of emotion they cause, will be seen for the lesser truths they always were....
Deidre; Not necassarily though - perhaps the first marriage is a "mistake" and the "affair" could turn out to be the real deal after all
I actually have a lot of personal insight here, as well, I did EXACTLY that - got married young after I got her pregnant - thought it was the "right thing to do" - was TAUGHT it was the right thing to do - and yet - totally unprepared I wrecked the lives of her our two children and my self of course - and all those others caught up on the edges...Divorced after less than a year - I left her for the BABYSITTER - who I have to say I took one look at and instantly knew SHE was the One - like absolutely - I would move heaven and Earth to make it happen - like it felt NECASSARY is the only way to describe it - we had an affair - I gladly left my wife and two young kids without even a second thought or look back...Despicable I know - but as I say - it did indeed feel right and necassary - a definate compelling that despite my better judgement I simply could not resist, did not really want to resist it at all..........
It sounds an old cliche - but it is perfectly true - only only in the dark can we see the Light shine clearly
And with hindsight I know now full well this was me off on a dark path trying to discover Who and What Iam... Like my Soul said I will show you first who you are NOT - then you may discover the truth... Without her, the baby sitter who is now my second wife still - 28 years now and stronger than ever. - none of this would be possible - I would STILL be that despicable selfish little twat wrecking lives without conscience or remorse....I can honestly say I owe her my very Soul for it was her who showed it to me clearly even though we had no clue about any spiritual overtures and even though I never yet realised that that was the PURPOSE of life itself to come TO this Self realisation... All that calamity and upheavel - the "wrongness" of it all turned out to be necassary - I believe it fully - so that I could find my Self and in turn reveal my true Self to HER so she too would learn and prosper (and others of course)... Now - I appreciate that may sound like a "cop out" to some an excuse ot hide my despicable acts behind - perhaps - may indeed be me deceiving my self perhaps to cover failings - BUT - I have to say It worked EXACTLY like that, reasons clearly revealed... All things happen for a REASON Folks - we are always a Self created Being - we do this either fully known or in ignorance of Self but ALWAYS we are indeed Self created...As said, relationships are much more about getting to know the SELF primarily rather than about getting to know the Other - and infidelity is always a matter of this Self ignorance...
So Im saying that life - especially the aspects of LOVE - are not really what we believe them to be...This is because we are NOT a finite MORTAL creature with just one life - but an ETERNAL SOUL with as many lives as necassary to uncover our truth....It is always a journey of Self discovery - the Others are here to help us achieve this - and in turn we are to help them come to THIER truth also... There is a very real and valid human emotion -TRUE love - that surpasses and accounts for EVERY conceivable circumstance and will keep you bonded One to the Other as said, NO MATTER WHAT life throws at You.... I know this and speak of it so confidently as I have found it - it was my foundation - I came from it - turned my Self away from it to test its truth - and I have returned to it again having found it to be legitimate and universal after all... I honestly dont think we can achieve it until we stop lying and deceiving our little self first but it IS there, real and valid - the prize and reward for the hard isolated lives we must live.....Just as Christ said - without holding this inner peace then all else is "poverty" by comparison...
The thing we call "love" is not actually LOVE at all - is it..??.....Mortal love - is a BARGAIN - an agreement - its a SUPERFICIAL BOND easily broken - made by the surface mind alone but not necassarily a pact made by the eternal Soul...It goes like - I love YOU but ONLY IF...................." - fill in the blanks with all manner of rules and conditions that must be met BEFORE we actually give this "love" to them....If they fail we stop loving - it is a "business arrangement" a transaction - always there are CONDITIONS - and it is THIS mindset that brings the problems when infidelity occurs....Folks - this is NOT YOU - this is NOT your nature at all - this is a SOCIETAL LEARNED RESPONSE - and it brings confusion and misery when you discover that your truth isnt ACTUALLY the way you have been led to believe...This disappointment leads to JEALOUSY ANGER HATRED and the "love" you thought you had soon becomes its complete opposite doesnt it..?..We begin to despise the One who betrayed us as if it was a personal attack - but rarely is it that - nearly always it is as said - the other does NOT know their Self any more than we know OUR Self - and it is always this ignorance at the cause of all the dramas... It amazes me for instance - to see two spouses arguing - under normal conditions they exhibit love, kindness compassion - but even confronting each other they soon forget all that - forget the SELF - and now arguing are hurling abuse and insults trying to wound and HURT the other on purpose...They have FORGOTTEN the Self totally in that instant havent they..?... See clearly how the world shapes and moulds us ALWAYS ( as long as we allow it to happen) and understand THAT REFELCTION of Self presented as REACTION is not the TRUE Self...
When though - we do actually find that legitimate Self and the love I speak of - can hold to it and remain true to the Self - then all those dramas of life change in an instant - no longer even important - cause and affect seen clearly...No matter WHAT the Other has done you WILL "forgive" them even before they act for you will know their nature and will accomodate them always - for this I SOUR NATURE.. This is not a "weakness" on our behalf - it is a strength that cannot be bested - unbeatable - bulletproof so to speak.....I know it seems so alien and hard to fathom for most of us with little real world evidence to show - that is because the world is full of Self ignorant people - but trust me it is real and vallid ...Find this love and peace within and the world out there CHANGES signinficantly..
My own parents - unbelievable - met when my father was 17 my mother was 14....The war just starting so my dad off to fight for a few years - comes home they marry age 21 and 19 - 5 children - literally "to death do us part" - and I swear not even once did I EVER hear them row or argue - not in our presence at least....Like ALWAYS totally united - totally devoted One to the Other... They both told me openly they had never so much as even kissed an other EVER - totally faithful committed....Growing up I had THAT to compare to all my mates who had "broken homes" and so it seemed natural that I would test this truth for my Self...I tell you for sure we are capable of much MUCH better than we allow the Self to settle for in life - and it is always because we are IGNORANT of Self that we allow this stagnation to occur..Find this truth and this love I speak of though and all the other "prizes" in life become pale and insignificant in comparison....
You will (all) AMAZE your Self at the things you will put up with and accept - just as long as the Other is learning, growing revealing their truth...OFTEN - this is a PAINFUL process for we constantly lie and hide our Self away -TAUGHT to do it arent we..??...But ALLOW them to be the Self - SHOW them who YOU ARE truly - it IS your PURPOSE after all, trust me this is so.. I saw that love my parents had - easily held without effort - I wanted and CRAVED IT ALWAYS - and I tell you we ALL DO - you cannot have it UNTIL you KNOW YOUR SELF fully - how else can you know the Other at all UNLESS you know your truth first..??...Try not to let the world disuade you or obscure you - sidetrack you or make you to hide your Self away...Be true to the Self always and its rewards are substantial...Things like infidelity will no longer bring anger rage and hostility to the mind - for you will know its NOT a personal attack but just a moment of forgetting - a moment of ignorance.... You will see past it easily - forgive it easily.... My wife - has had numerous drunken one night stands - even a couple of afafars - indeed is a "recovering alcoholic" as they say - we broke up for 3 years even but it all just made us stronger evetnually... I had been with her 18 years - we split - she met someone else just 18 MONTHS and then had HIS name tattooed on her back....Perhaps that was the hardest to forgive - marking her Self as "his property" even though She IS eternally Mine....Hard to forgive perhaps - but as said - Self ignorance - she - at that time - did not appreciate her Soul or her eternal nature -saw only mortal and immediate concerns and circumstances and so acted according to THAT Self perception always... Such Self truth is as I say, often painful to uncover - but always remember - the Other is ONLY there to aid us in this journey of Self discovery - just as you are to aid them in theirs - therefore again as Christ said - first know thy Self and ALWAYS follow and allow THAT guidance here in the world... The reward is a great power indeed that you will then use to likewise empower those you love....These issues such as infidelity, "betrayal" and the cascade of emotion they cause, will be seen for the lesser truths they always were....
Hi Folks...
Deidre; Not necassarily though - perhaps the first marriage is a "mistake" and the "affair" could turn out to be the real deal after all
I actually have a lot of personal insight here, as well, I did EXACTLY that - got married young after I got her pregnant - thought it was the "right thing to do" - was TAUGHT it was the right thing to do - and yet - totally unprepared I wrecked the lives of her our two children and my self of course - and all those others caught up on the edges...Divorced after less than a year - I left her for the BABYSITTER - who I have to say I took one look at and instantly knew SHE was the One - like absolutely - I would move heaven and Earth to make it happen - like it felt NECASSARY is the only way to describe it - we had an affair - I gladly left my wife and two young kids without even a second thought or look back...Despicable I know - but as I say - it did indeed feel right and necassary - a definate compelling that despite my better judgement I simply could not resist, did not really want to resist it at all..........
Excellent point!
Cheating is a deal breaker for him, too. The reason being that we would have a struggle trusting each other again. I wouldn't wish that type of life on anyone. I have a friend whose bf cheated, and she stayed with him...and he cheated again and again. Not saying that will always happen that way, but cheaters really keep on cheatin'...they are just more careful not to get caught the next time. Her staying with him actually at this point, isn't really about forgiveness, rather it's about her own lack of self esteem, and she thinks this is the best she can do.
I wish you best, with your loverCheating is a deal breaker for him, too. The reason being that we would have a struggle trusting each other again. I wouldn't wish that type of life on anyone. I have a friend whose bf cheated, and she stayed with him...and he cheated again and again. Not saying that will always happen that way, but cheaters really keep on cheatin'...they are just more careful not to get caught the next time. Her staying with him actually at this point, isn't really about forgiveness, rather it's about her own lack of self esteem, and she thinks this is the best she can do.
I don't mean this personally, I hardly know you.
What I see here is a cautionary tale about the damage done by keeping kids ignorant about sex and relationship as well as making birth control into a sort of admission of guilt.
Solid sex ed and birth control would go a long way towards improving the divorce rates and the attendant damage to children.
Tom
PeteC-UK
Active Member
Hi Folks..
Colombus; yer, you are at least partly right there....I wasnt "ignorant " of sex as such - quite an expert even by age 16 let me tell you..lol..but RELATIONSHIP - now that was a whole new ball game...Didnt have a clue yet....Birth control is a bit of a moot point as actually my fist wife was taking the pill, the pregnancy happened anyway...
The birth control issue is a side track really - best to teach the youngsters HOW to RELATE to one another first - it was as said primarily a matter of Self ignorance leading to Self disrespect leading inevitably to the Self disrespecting Others also....
Colombus; yer, you are at least partly right there....I wasnt "ignorant " of sex as such - quite an expert even by age 16 let me tell you..lol..but RELATIONSHIP - now that was a whole new ball game...Didnt have a clue yet....Birth control is a bit of a moot point as actually my fist wife was taking the pill, the pregnancy happened anyway...
The birth control issue is a side track really - best to teach the youngsters HOW to RELATE to one another first - it was as said primarily a matter of Self ignorance leading to Self disrespect leading inevitably to the Self disrespecting Others also....
psychoslice
Veteran Member
No one is perfect.