Dear Revoltingest

[Revoltingest]

Dear Catapult of Revolt,
People have a tendency to over-simplify things. What can I do to help extract these pathos from the general population.
Your loving and best friend,
Doomst1n

Dear reader,
People will be who they will be. You should persevere to enlighten those who do not see, calm those who rage, inform those
who do not know, befriend those who hate, & remove the plank from thine own eye. Best wishes in this difficult quest.

 

[Revoltingest]

Dear Revoltingest,
I have a thrilling new screenplay called "Spice of Death" about a private Saffron Inspector who finds out the hard way that every part of the Free Market is filled with dangerous, cutthroat cartels intent on keeping people unaware of how they're getting ripped off and overpriced.
However, I've learned that the entire Hollywood industry is a giant, though small cartel itself. Even with people who know big players at major studios, I cannot get it shown through to someone important without an agent, whom it is necessary to have for them to even look at what you have. Getting an agent they'll listen to requires you to already be established, even if you have several obviously-hit screenplays in your arsenal. Most if not all screenwriting contests that offer to get your stuff shown to someone big are total scams. It seems most of what gets made these days is all based on personal connections and the funding available for private films outside of Hollywood major studios is approximately nil.
What is an aspiring Screenwriter to do?

Dear reader,
First, let me congratulate you on your brilliant inspiration for a screenplay. Most successful screenwriters have endured a long & difficult road.
You must hone your craft, pay the bills by writing mind numbing pot boilers, & continually pursue every opportunity. Greatness is an elusive wench.
Best wishes in your success, & I hope to see the movie some day. I also have a request, could Dwayne Johnson play the part of yours truely?

 

[Vinayaka]

Dear Revolingest: Obeisances to the Lord of Exceptional Advice. I can't sleep. I have IBS. I have tendonitis, bursitis, arthritis, and baloneyitis in elbows, ankles, throat, shoulders, and feet. My wife lingers on. Last suicide attempt was unsuccessful. Lost faith in God. Car has irreplacable part. Pigeon crapped on truck windshield. Kids hate me. Government of Canada has me blacklisted. My eyes are worn. My imaginary friends no longer want to talk to me. Discovered another allergy last night (spinach).

Where should I start? I await your comments with a mixture of trepidation and glee.

Viyanaka

 

[Revoltingest]

Dear Revolingest: Obeisances to the Lord of Exceptional Advice. I can't sleep. I have IBS. I have tendonitis, bursitis, arthritis, and baloneyitis in elbows, ankles, throat, shoulders, and feet. My wife lingers on. Last suicide attempt was unsuccessful. Lost faith in God. Car has irreplacable part. Pigeon crapped on truck windshield. Kids hate me. Government of Canada has me blacklisted. My eyes are worn. My imaginary friends no longer want to talk to me. Discovered another allergy last night (spinach).
Where should I start? I await your comments with a mixture of trepidation and glee.
Viyanaka

Dear reader,
Thank you for sharing your lengthy list of concerns.
We all have problems which will dog us the rest of our lives, but the trick is to enjoy life in spite of them.
I suggest consuming more bacon, particularly higher quality lean cuts. Problems will remain, but life will be good.

 

[Vinayaka]

Thank you for the advice, but its probably not well advised, as I was diagnosed with allergies to anything piggy years ago when my cousin was working on the new breed called 'Lacombe' at the agricultural college of the same name. I pigged out on it, almost overdosing, and have never recuperated. Unfortunately, there will have to be other remedies. Still, I shall try to heed the 'enjoy life' wisdom.

 

[dust1n]

Dear Minister of all Revolting Things,

I noticed that advice columinsts never themselves need advice, at least in public. Do you ever find yourself having to (or wanting to) ask another advice columnist for advice on the advice you are giving out, or any other matter, for that matter?

 

[Trey of Diamonds]

Dear Revoltingest, Dear Revoltingest...
My feet are too long
My hair's falling out and my rights are all wrong
My friends they all tell me that I've no friends at all
Won't you write me a letter, Won't you give me a call
Signed Bewildered

 

[Vinayaka]

my cousin was working on the new breed called 'Lacombe' at the agricultural college of the same name.

Lacombe (pig) - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia just verifying my truth telling, for your reference ...

 

[Revoltingest]

Thank you for the advice, but its probably not well advised, as I was diagnosed with allergies to anything piggy years ago when my cousin was working on the new breed called 'Lacombe' at the agricultural college of the same name. I pigged out on it, almost overdosing, and have never recuperated. Unfortunately, there will have to be other remedies. Still, I shall try to heed the 'enjoy life' wisdom.

Dear reader,
I recommend bacon tolerance therapy to overcome your allergy.
Just find a licensed physician who also runs a butcher shop.

Interesting side note: I once had a client for whom I managed real estate. He was a
doctor who ran a burn unit at U of M. He also had a smoked meat business (Cavanaugh
Lakeview Farms) nearby. I hope this wasn't an example of vertical business integration.

 

[Revoltingest]

Lacombe (pig) - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia just verifying my truth telling, for your reference ...

Dear reader,
Thank you for providing the Wiki article.
I read it, but found that it needs work.
There was no mention of bacon whatsoever.

 

[Revoltingest]

Dear Minister of all Revolting Things,
I noticed that advice columinsts never themselves need advice, at least in public. Do you ever find yourself having to (or wanting to) ask another advice columnist for advice on the advice you are giving out, or any other matter, for that matter?

Dear reader,
Thank you for your keen, albeit incorrect, observation. We columnists only seem to be above needing advice because of the context in which you know us.
You, the little people ask, & we, the enlightened, provide. But we have lives outside of this noble profession, & some of us even have problems which would
benefit from wise outside counsel. Personally, I need no advice from those of my ilk. I do however, regularly get advice from my CPA, physician, lawyer &
cured meat purveyor (Morgan & York, Ann Arbor, MI).

 

[Revoltingest]

Dear Revoltingest, Dear Revoltingest...
My feet are too long
My hair's falling out and my rights are all wrong
My friends they all tell me that I've no friends at all
Won't you write me a letter, Won't you give me a call
Signed Bewildered

Dear reader,
Thank you for seeking help. Please refer to a previous recommendation
to eat more bacon. To be served more bacon will serve you well.

 

[Trey of Diamonds]

Dear Revoltingest, Dear Revoltingest...
My fountain pen leaks
My wife hollers at me and my kids are all freaks
Every side I get up on is the wrong side of bed
If it weren't so expensive I'd wish I were dead
Signed Unhappy

 

[Revoltingest]

Dear Revoltingest, Dear Revoltingest...
My fountain pen leaks
My wife hollers at me and my kids are all freaks
Every side I get up on is the wrong side of bed
If it weren't so expensive I'd wish I were dead
Signed Unhappy

Dear reader,
Thank you for your cornucopia of confoundments. I have some suggestions to consider:
- Use a ball point pen.
- Your wife & children sound completely normal, so this is not a problem.
- I have an extra coupon good for one free visit to the Jack Kevorkian Suicide Salon.

 

[Revoltingest]

And now, for the viewing & listening pleasure of my readers.....
[youtube]yHFDa9efCQU[/youtube]
Bobby McFerrin - Don't Worry Be Happy - YouTube

 

[Trey of Diamonds]

Dear Revoltingest, Dear Revoltingest...
You won't believe this
But my stomach makes noises whenever I kiss
My girlfriend tells me It's all in my head
But my stomach tells me to write you instead
Signed Noise-maker

 

[Revoltingest]

Dear Revoltingest, Dear Revoltingest...
You won't believe this
But my stomach makes noises whenever I kiss
My girlfriend tells me It's all in my head
But my stomach tells me to write you instead
Signed Noise-maker

Dear reader,
Thank you for sharing your intimate problem with all my valued readers.
Does your girlfriend not hear any noises? If so, then there are 2 possibilities:
1) She's deaf. This is good, because it means that she is more attractive than you'd ordinarily be entitled to enjoy.
A woman with a defect will be more comely for a given ranking. Example: If a woman's appearance is an 8, but she
has a club foot, then she will settle for a man who is only a 6. If she's in a wheelchair, then even men who are a 5
will have a shot at acceptability.
2) You're delusional. But not to worry, this is a mild delusion which won't interfere with any major life activity.

If the noises your girlfriend hears are real, then you just need a good meal. But wait one hour before kissing.
And avoid having Mexican.

 

[Wirey]

Dear Revoltingest,

I accidently mixed bacon with other bacon. Thinking it worthless, I fed it to a pig, and have accidently created super bacon. Should I feed this to a different pig, and try for super-duper bacon (kosher), or quit while I'm ahead?

 

[Revoltingest]

Dear Revoltingest,
I accidently mixed bacon with other bacon. Thinking it worthless, I fed it to a pig, and have accidently created super bacon. Should I feed this to a different pig, and try for super-duper bacon (kosher), or quit while I'm ahead?

Dear reader,
Thank you for expressing your culinary conundrum. I caution to stop this experimenting immediately.
Let this documentary explain the horrible consequences of your tasty abomination.
[youtube]Zmbey7cZQcw[/youtube]
Apocalypse in The Simpsons - YouTube

 

[Trey of Diamonds]

Dear Revoltingest, Dear Revoltingest...
Well I never thought
That me and my girlfriend would ever get caught
We were sitting in the back seat just shooting the breeze
With her hair up in curlers and her pants to her knees
Signed Just Married