Dear Revoltingest

[Draka]

Dear Revoltingest,

I'm out of bacon and grocery shopping day is still 5 days away. Whatever shall I do? Will sliced ham work to tide me over? Should I brave the heat wave and make an extra run to the store just for bacon? Just what is the protocol here?

Baconless in Iowa

 

[4consideration]

Dear Revoltingest,

I am feeling really, really sleepy. I am almost falling over from fatigue. What should I do?

Signed,

Head keeps banging on the table. There's a bump forming now.

 

[Revoltingest]

Dear Revoltingest,
I'm out of bacon and grocery shopping day is still 5 days away. Whatever shall I do? Will sliced ham work to tide me over? Should I brave the heat wave and make an extra run to the store just for bacon? Just what is the protocol here?
Baconless in Iowa

Dear reader,
I'm most concerned about your cured meat conundrum. But I've been there before, & have found that thinly sliced ham fried
in olive or corn oil will satisfy my bacon lust. So I suggest that you try this first, before making a foray into the inferno.

 

[Revoltingest]

Dear Revoltingest,
I am feeling really, really sleepy. I am almost falling over from fatigue. What should I do?
Signed,
Head keeps banging on the table. There's a bump forming now.

Dear reader,
Oh, how many of us cannot resist posting yet another pearl, even though sleep beckons us.
But it's beddy bye time. Give in to the need, & drift off to dreamland so that you will wake
up refreshed & ready to face the world.

 

[Kathryn]

Dear Revoltingest,

Since you refuse to address my very real concerns, I am unfortunately left to my own devices. I will be mailing you a slice of bacon in a letter in a year or so, and I encourage you to eat it. Hope you are carrying health insurance so you don't have to pay that nasty fine/tax/whatever they're calling it afterwards.

A bereft and desperate reader

 

[Revoltingest]

Dear Revoltingest,
Since you refuse to address my very real concerns, I am unfortunately left to my own devices. I will be mailing you a slice of bacon in a letter in a year or so, and I encourage you to eat it. Hope you are carrying health insurance so you don't have to pay that nasty fine/tax/whatever they're calling it afterwards.
A bereft and desperate reader

Dear reader,
Please examine the below recent photo of me.

You will note my expression of both shock & deep concern that I have failed to properly address your concerns.
Pray tell, what query of yours remains unanswered. I ask because I care.

 

[Kathryn]

Dear reader,
Please examine the below recent photo of me.

You will note my expression of both shock & deep concern that I have failed to properly address your concerns.
Pray tell, what query of yours remains unanswered. I ask because I care.

Thank you for your heartfelt concern. I am deeply touched. Here is my earlier query:

Dear Revoltingest,

I am very concerned that the current administration will begin charging a tax on bacon, under the Affordable Care Act. It will do no good for you to protest that "no tax can be passed without a vote from Congress and without the knowledge of the American people" because, apparently this is not the case.

Considering that some politically correct fools actually think that bacon is detrimental to one's health, I am afraid that we will soon incur, at the least, a "sin tax" on bacon - and possibly even a penalty/fine/tax/whatever lingo best suits the speaker, for those of us who persist in partaking of such pork products.

What do you suggest? I tried sending letters with strips of bacon in them to my representatives in Congress, but apparently those were not appreciated. I tried dressing as Lady Gaga and parading up and down in front of the White House, but the flies sort of got to me after a few hours and I had to retire to my minivan and wipe off with some handy wet towelettes before heading over to the Lincoln Monument hoping to catch a little shade.

In short, I am at a loss for how next to plead my case for penalty free bacon. I welcome your suggestions.

Sincerely,

A fellow bacon lover

 

[Revoltingest]

Dear reader,
I searched & do not find your quoted request. But in spite of my gross oblivity, I will address your bacon fueled politics forthwith.
First, let me remind you that the Constitution exists not to place limits upon Congress, but rather it is a rough guide to be interpreted
so as to justify the will of the people. So the legality or illegality of such a tax becomes irrelevant if baconophobes have their way.
Your idea of send our dear leaders samples of bacon is the correct spirit, but the plan needs more development. I suggest that you
pursue the creation of a pro-bacon movement, with a bacon awareness program......"The B Party" or "Ham hock You Fry Wall St" are
possible (albeit deplorable) names. Even the most devout Muslim, Jew or vegan will scarf down a plate of bacon when apprised of
its porcine goodness.

 

[Wirey]

"Ham hock You Fry Wall St"

Line of the month, right there.

 

[Awoon]

Dear friend from THAT state up north, will michigan ever beat Ohio State in football?

 

[Wirey]

Dear friend from THAT state up north, will michigan ever beat Ohio State in football?

Well, there goes the neighbourhood.

How's the missus, Awoon?

 

[Revoltingest]

Dear friend from THAT state up north, will michigan ever beat Ohio State in football?

Dear reader,
Thank you for your inquiry, but such a prediction is beyond my abilities.
The team has been consistently poor, but there are two things going well.
1) I continue to not care in the least about football successes.
2) None of our coaches has been caught raping adolescent boys in the shower. Take that, Pennsylvania!

 

[Kathryn]

Dear reader,
I searched & do not find your quoted request. But in spite of my gross oblivity, I will address your bacon fueled politics forthwith.
First, let me remind you that the Constitution exists not to place limits upon Congress, but rather it is a rough guide to be interpreted
so as to justify the will of the people. So the legality or illegality of such a tax becomes irrelevant if baconophobes have their way.
Your idea of send our dear leaders samples of bacon is the correct spirit, but the plan needs more development. I suggest that you
pursue the creation of a pro-bacon movement, with a bacon awareness program......"The B Party" or "Ham hock You Fry Wall St" are
possible (albeit deplorable) names. Even the most devout Muslim, Jew or vegan will scarf down a plate of bacon when apprised of
its porcine goodness.

Thank you - you have given me some hope. That meat dress was getting pretty sticky in this weather.

 

[Revoltingest]

Thank you - you have given me some hope. That meat dress was getting pretty sticky in this weather.

Dear reader,
Thank you for the positive feedback. Too seldom do I know if my limited
perspective on this troubled world & its denizens ever benefits anyone.

 

[Wirey]

Dear Revoltingest,

I worry constantly that my schwang is too large. What should I do?

 

[Reverend Rick]

Dear Bacon Breath, what can I do to convince my Liberal friends that I am not an evil capitalist?

I pay my employees a generous wage and I contribute my time and money to charity. Am I not free to think and believe what I want to?

Am I wrong to want to help the truly needy and put a boot up the butt of the freeloaders in this country?

 

[Revoltingest]

Dear Revoltingest,
I worry constantly that my schwang is too large. What should I do?

Dear reader,
Thank you for this concern which is so common among us males. Stop worrying & enjoy you titanic tumescence. If any of your partners
have physical difficulties coping with the size, then you should explore alternative positions & techniques. Since women suffer from the
delusion that you should be loved for your mind, they will be willing to tolerate any sexual challenges you present. Men are fortunate in this way.
If ever you decide to swing the other way, then the same advice applies.

 

[Revoltingest]

Dear Bacon Breath, what can I do to convince my Liberal friends that I am not an evil capitalist?
I pay my employees a generous wage and I contribute my time and money to charity. Am I not free to think and believe what I want to?
Am I wrong to want to help the truly needy and put a boot up the butt of the freeloaders in this country?

Dear reader,
First, I must gently chide you for your novel but nonstandard salutation. May your next request be of proper form.
Thank you for addressing the common lament of the productive & entrepreneurial portion of society. Alas, as long as you remain a mover
& shaker in the economy, you will always be envied & despised by lesser citizens. To cope, I recommend that you cultivate friends &
associates of like mind. There, you will find fellowship & strength to weather the continual raging storm of socialist slings & arrows.

 

[dust1n]

Dear Catapult of Revolt,

People have a tendency to over-simplify things. What can I do to help extract these pathos from the general population.

Your loving and best friend,
Doomst1n

 

[Shermana]

Dear Revoltingest,

I have a thrilling new screenplay called "Spice of Death" about a private Saffron Inspector who finds out the hard way that every part of the Free Market is filled with dangerous, cutthroat cartels intent on keeping people unaware of how they're getting ripped off and overpriced.

However, I've learned that the entire Hollywood industry is a giant, though small cartel itself. Even with people who know big players at major studios, I cannot get it shown through to someone important without an agent, whom it is necessary to have for them to even look at what you have. Getting an agent they'll listen to requires you to already be established, even if you have several obviously-hit screenplays in your arsenal. Most if not all screenwriting contests that offer to get your stuff shown to someone big are total scams. It seems most of what gets made these days is all based on personal connections and the funding available for private films outside of Hollywood major studios is approximately nil.

What is an aspiring Screenwriter to do?