Deidre's Journey

[leibowde84]

So, I'm not great with keeping up with journals but this one, I would really like to keep it going as to keep up with my experiences now. I think after leaving faith five years ago, and eventually identifying as an atheist, I didn't realize how empty I would feel after being tested with something like my grandmother's death. Fast forward to now, and after returning to faith a little over a year ago, I realize that much of my belief system is really little more than a security blanket and wishful thinking.

I'm tired of my mind logically identifying as an atheist but my heart afraid to leave the pseudo-comforts of faith. I convinced myself that I had a spiritual experience in order to feel that comfort, again.

Time to get real and if I'm going to identify as an atheist, then I'll have to find ways to cope with the stresses of everyday life as one.

Back on the path to self discovery.

Deidre, I truly hope that you rectify this inner turmoil between your obvious strength of mind and the "pseudo-comfort" offered by faith in God.

I have to say that I am in the same boat. I go back and forth almost on a daily basis, constantly trying to rectify my feelings and wishes about God's existence with logic. Without evidence, I find it hard to express my beliefs. But, the idea that God does not exist is not easy to bear when it comes to the deaths of those who are close to us.

Maybe prayer can be useful as merely a form of meditation, trying to get out of your own mind. Maybe God can just be a helping hand to make life more palatable.

I think you said it best that a person's beliefs is their own business. They shouldn't be concerned with convincing others. So, maybe this mental contradiction is OK the way it is.

Often I find myself asking for God's help and then instantly questioning whether God even exists. But, all in all, God and the existence of an afterlife are comforting concepts. So, I think there is no harm in "going both ways", so to speak.

 

[Deidre]

I'm feeling really sad tonight. It's not because of all this, actually this...is a positive thing. No, it's about Facebook, and how things from our childhoods can be triggered by the weirdest things. This bully from my childhood keeps asking to friend me, and I keep deleting the request. He keeps returning, and it's not necessarily creepy, but like he is that same bully he was when I was a kid. And when I was a kid, my dad was a tyrant. He hit me, and was scary to be around. Fast forward to today, and we are great together, it took a lot of forgiveness on my part, but he begged for forgiveness, which helped. But, my childhood still pains me. Does this pain ever go away? Bad memories of how my dad and I used to be all triggered by this a-hole on Facebook. Ugh. I should be able to get past this.

I love my mom and dad, but there are days that I wish I had a different childhood.

 

[Deidre]

Deidre, I truly hope that you rectify this inner turmoil between your obvious strength of mind and the "pseudo-comfort" offered by faith in God.

I have to say that I am in the same boat. I go back and forth almost on a daily basis, constantly trying to rectify my feelings and wishes about God's existence with logic. Without evidence, I find it hard to express my beliefs. But, the idea that God does not exist is not easy to bear when it comes to the deaths of those who are close to us.

Maybe prayer can be useful as merely a form of meditation, trying to get out of your own mind. Maybe God can just be a helping hand to make life more palatable.

I think you said it best that a person's beliefs is their own business. They shouldn't be concerned with convincing others. So, maybe this mental contradiction is OK the way it is.

Often I find myself asking for God's help and then instantly questioning whether God even exists. But, all in all, God and the existence of an afterlife are comforting concepts. So, I think there is no harm in "going both ways", so to speak.

This made me cry, in a bittersweet kind of way. It's really beautiful what you're saying here, and I totally get it.

Totally.

 

[RoaringSilence]

I'm feeling really sad tonight. It's not because of all this, actually this...is a positive thing. No, it's about Facebook, and how things from our childhoods can be triggered by the weirdest things. This bully from my childhood keeps asking to friend me, and I keep deleting the request. He keeps returning, and it's not necessarily creepy, but like he is that same bully he was when I was a kid. And when I was a kid, my dad was a tyrant. He hit me, and was scary to be around. Fast forward to today, and we are great together, it took a lot of forgiveness on my part, but he begged for forgiveness, which helped. But, my childhood still pains me. Does this pain ever go away? Bad memories of how my dad and I used to be all triggered by this a-hole on Facebook. Ugh. I should be able to get past this.

I love my mom and dad, but there are days that I wish I had a different childhood.

no need to add stress when you can choose not to, you've had enough already lol.

 

[RoaringSilence]

if you pick any side out of haste at this point , it will wear out, yet again. step off the see-saw and look at , walk away from it ..the see- saw can be ridden anytime you like , but for now you need to stop riding it , take a short break .

 

[Curious George]

I'm feeling really sad tonight. It's not because of all this, actually this...is a positive thing. No, it's about Facebook, and how things from our childhoods can be triggered by the weirdest things. This bully from my childhood keeps asking to friend me, and I keep deleting the request. He keeps returning, and it's not necessarily creepy, but like he is that same bully he was when I was a kid. And when I was a kid, my dad was a tyrant. He hit me, and was scary to be around. Fast forward to today, and we are great together, it took a lot of forgiveness on my part, but he begged for forgiveness, which helped. But, my childhood still pains me. Does this pain ever go away? Bad memories of how my dad and I used to be all triggered by this a-hole on Facebook. Ugh. I should be able to get past this.

I love my mom and dad, but there are days that I wish I had a different childhood.

Maybe they did not realize you felt bullied by them; maybe they do and they would like assurance that it is all forgiven. I am not sure how long ago this took place, but I imagine we can all be judged harshly for choices made in the past.

I hope all is well.

Cheers

 

[Deidre]

if you pick any side out of haste at this point , it will wear out, yet again. step off the see-saw and look at , walk away from it ..the see- saw can be ridden anytime you like , but for now you need to stop riding it , take a short break .

lol It's really not haste. I've concluded that atheism logically fits my mindset about if a deity exists or not. Emotionally speaking, it will take time for me to figure out ways of dealing with loss, grief, stress etc without a faith life. I think to run to faith as a crutch, cheapens it, honestly. I've always thought that people should move towards faith or away from it, for the right reasons. Fear and comfort would be the wrong reasons...belief should be the main reason.

 

[RoaringSilence]

lol It's really not haste. I've concluded that atheism logically fits my mindset about if a deity exists or not. Emotionally speaking, it will take time for me to figure out ways of dealing with loss, grief, stress etc without a faith life. I think to run to faith as a crutch, cheapens it, honestly. I've always thought that people should move towards faith or away from it, for the right reasons. Fear and comfort would be the wrong reasons...belief should be the main reason.

the best part is you are able to watch yourself while all of this happens.. so "you are not the sufferer" you are the know'er of your mind's suffering"

 

[Deidre]

the best part is you are able to watch yourself while all of this happens.. so "you are not the sufferer" you are the know'er of your mind's suffering"

You're a smart one, I like what you have to say.

 

[Deidre]

The end of the week! It was a good one overall, my emotions are settling, I find that I'm not clinging to prayer and turning inward for self reflection more now. It's weird to do this, definitely unsettling, but I'm gonna make it, I think! (as an atheist lol)

 

[Deidre]

Hmmm...I love this image, it would make a beautiful avatar!

 

[Deidre]

I love the weekends. You can do whatever you like with the time you're given. I woke up today with that habitual way of wanting to pray, or thank God for the day. I turned those thoughts inward, and then just reflected in a different way. I'm not going to force this, but I also don't want to live my life allowing emotions to reel me into a faith life, like it's been for a while. My mind doesn't believe but my heart still needs to catch up. I'll have to be patient.

 

[Curious George]

I love the weekends. You can do whatever you like with the time you're given. I woke up today with that habitual way of wanting to pray, or thank God for the day. I turned those thoughts inward, and then just reflected in a different way. I'm not going to force this, but I also don't want to live my life allowing emotions to reel me into a faith life, like it's been for a while. My mind doesn't believe but my heart still needs to catch up. I'll have to be patient.

For what would you habitually pray, if it is not too personal?

 

[Deidre]

For what would you habitually pray, if it is not too personal?

I would just thank him, or offer up the potential obstacle of the day to him, you know? I might say something like ''thank you for this new day, and please watch over me and keep me and my loved ones safe.'' or ''here is a new day, thank you Lord for letting me have this new day.'' Things like this, and of course it would go into more detail but that's the basic gist.

 

[Curious George]

I would just thank him, or offer up the potential obstacle of the day to him, you know? I might say something like ''thank you for this new day, and please watch over me and keep me and my loved ones safe.'' or ''here is a new day, thank you Lord for letting me have this new day.'' Things like this, and of course it would go into more detail but that's the basic gist.

Being thankful doesn't necesarily require an entity towards whom you are thankful. But the wanting someone to protect your lived ones, well you might have a little trouble adjusting that one. If your heart wants to ask someone to protect others but your mind is saying there is no one of whom you can request this.

Hopefully time will see you through. Perhaps, if you were keen on prayer, you would also enjoy meditation.

 

[Deidre]

Being thankful doesn't necesarily require an entity towards whom you are thankful. But the wanting someone to protect your lived ones, well you might have a little trouble adjusting that one. If your heart wants to ask someone to protect others but your mind is saying there is no one of whom you can request this.

Hopefully time will see you through. Perhaps, if you were keen on prayer, you would also enjoy meditation.

You're right, I don't need to give thanks to an outward entity, I can just have a spirit of gratitude for all of the blessings in my life. It's really an old habit. I was talking with someone recently about all of this, who isn't an atheist, but isn't really religious, and he said that he feels that there could be a god and that if there is, he is grateful to that god for his/its part in his life. He told me that maybe I don't need to ''choose'' and just allow myself to feel what I do. I understand that idea, but at the same time, I find a great sense of strength coming from a part of me that I never knew I had, to be honest. A part of me that has been asleep for most of my life, because I always thought that all of my inner strength came from an outside force...a deity.

 

[Deidre]

Had a beautiful day. I'm rediscovering myself again, and not accepting bad behavior from 'friends.' If people are not supportive of me on this journey, then they can move aside. I feel like at times in my life, many times actually, I've let too many people dictate who I am, and maybe that's because I let faith dictate it. Not saying all Christians are push overs, but when you don't think for yourself and you let religion do that for you, it can cause you to lose the ability to make your own decisions without always looking for outward approval. Hard to explain.

I love this painting I ran across today...and thought I'd share.

 

[Sclavus]

So, I'm not great with keeping up with journals but this one, I would really like to keep it going as to keep up with my experiences now. I think after leaving faith five years ago, and eventually identifying as an atheist, I didn't realize how empty I would feel after being tested with something like my grandmother's death. Fast forward to now, and after returning to faith a little over a year ago, I realize that much of my belief system is really little more than a security blanket and wishful thinking.

I'm tired of my mind logically identifying as an atheist but my heart afraid to leave the pseudo-comforts of faith. I convinced myself that I had a spiritual experience in order to feel that comfort, again.

Time to get real and if I'm going to identify as an atheist, then I'll have to find ways to cope with the stresses of everyday life as one.

Back on the path to self discovery.

I've felt this way before. There was a point in my life where I couldn't get behind a lot of what my faith was: just going through the motions. After "leaving the fold" for agnosticism, nothing felt the same upon returning to the fold.

It still doesn't. It's difficult for me not to scoff at a lot of what goes on at church, because it seems very self-congratulatory and vapid. After some unfortunate events, I've realized I'm essentially on my own. I can't bring myself to step back in line and follow along with most Christians in my local community.

My brain still has agnostic tendencies. I'm often critical of what I see within Christianity, by which I mean I'm constantly asking, "Why?" And yet my heart longs for God. I want Him to be, and to feel the sense of assurance the people at church say they have.

My faith is stronger, in some ways, without the distractions of the church's comfort zone. To the eyes of many in the church, my faith is weak, but I don't agree. I'm on that same journey of self discovery. It's like being away from a home where there's a warm bed and hot food, but no one there really wants you there.

I'm highly suspicious of any strong emotional reactions I have to God. I've been convinced God exists, but my relationship with Him has been tainted by those strong emotional reactions. I'm not sure the Church even realizes what they're doing by sometimes encouraging emotion over logic.

All that to say I don't think those who shun that war between the heart and mind are on a bad path. My hope for us is that we'd seek the truth where it leads, and make our decisions after being fully informed, and after clearing away our preconceived notions.

 

[Deidre]

I've felt this way before. There was a point in my life where I couldn't get behind a lot of what my faith was: just going through the motions. After "leaving the fold" for agnosticism, nothing felt the same upon returning to the fold.

It still doesn't. It's difficult for me not to scoff at a lot of what goes on at church, because it seems very self-congratulatory and vapid. After some unfortunate events, I've realized I'm essentially on my own. I can't bring myself to step back in line and follow along with most Christians in my local community.

My brain still has agnostic tendencies. I'm often critical of what I see within Christianity, by which I mean I'm constantly asking, "Why?" And yet my heart longs for God. I want Him to be, and to feel the sense of assurance the people at church say they have.

My faith is stronger, in some ways, without the distractions of the church's comfort zone. To the eyes of many in the church, my faith is weak, but I don't agree. I'm on that same journey of self discovery. It's like being away from a home where there's a warm bed and hot food, but no one there really wants you there.

I'm highly suspicious of any strong emotional reactions I have to God. I've been convinced God exists, but my relationship with Him has been tainted by those strong emotional reactions. I'm not sure the Church even realizes what they're doing by sometimes encouraging emotion over logic.

All that to say I don't think those who shun that war between the heart and mind are on a bad path. My hope for us is that we'd seek the truth where it leads, and make our decisions after being fully informed, and after clearing away our preconceived notions.

Oh my gosh, this is SUCH a beautiful post. Seriously, I'm teary eyed. Your honesty is beautiful.

Yes, sometimes my heart longs for a god. Not necessarily the god I have been taught to ''love.'' I find the Biblical version of god to be just that, a version. But, then there's the Jesus story, and I happen to believe he did exist. Historically speaking. But was that story right or wrong, in the Bible? I don't know. But, I feel that an atheist mindset allows me to know me, without blindly following faith. It allows me to love others, and to improve myself. I think I felt so stagnant as a Christian. Like I was never really improving, I was just stuck in this image that I convinced myself God wanted for me to be. I have so much to say, your post really tapped into a deep place in my heart that makes me want to share.

 

[Sclavus]

Had a beautiful day. I'm rediscovering myself again, and not accepting bad behavior from 'friends.' If people are not supportive of me on this journey, then they can move aside. I feel like at times in my life, many times actually, I've let too many people dictate who I am, and maybe that's because I let faith dictate it. Not saying all Christians are push overs, but when you don't think for yourself and you let religion do that for you, it can cause you to lose the ability to make your own decisions without always looking for outward approval. Hard to explain.

I love this painting I ran across today...and thought I'd share.

I adore this painting. It looks like some of the artwork I really enjoy.

Some Christians do let their church culture dictate what they do, and some have a really, really, (insert emphatic word here) hard time not controlling others. It's sick, in a lot of ways, how some people try to control others.

Good for you for not taking their crap. Obviously you and I have different religious beliefs, but if they don't encourage you to seek truth regardless of what it is, you don't need them around.