We all have our stories. I was surrounded by Christians growing up, and my grandma made us go to church. I didn;t like it. I kept asking why we went, and what the purpose was. I got the usual answers and it just didn't seem to make any sense. I was 8/9/10 and watched my Catholic cousins not get along with my super conservative Southern Baptist cousins. We were all nice to each other, but you could see the conflict and feel it. My grandma was presbyterian so caught in the middle. None of it added up. This was supposed to be a religion about love, and love thy neighbor, yet the familiy is splintered over it? It all left a bad taste in my mouth, it was fishy. Over the years there were more incidents. One event happened in high school when a school and church mate of one of my Baptist cousins tracked me down one night in total despair. I didn;t know her that well, but she had no one else to turn to. She was trying to get a Bible study among students at high school before class, and for some reason she was denied. Oddly she was called a trouble maker by my aunt, so something else was going on. I thought there was something seriously wrong with Christianity that a member of a church had to turn to an atheist for support, and that was because I had no conditions due to beliefs.
That is similar to your story. I looked into theology, philosohy, and genuinely looked for answers. What I founds were hundreds of answers that were up to the individual to decide is true. What? That isn't truth. I was looking for truth that conforms to what we can really understand about things, and I really was indifferent to religions and other types of "meaning in a box". So my own philosophy was to strip it all down to the minimum. That led to me more Eastern approach, including Krishnamurti. Everyone has their own needs to who they are, for better or worse. So one thing I did was be very strict about what truth is and isn't. So if someone makes a general claim that demons exist, and can't show me any evidence as to why a smart and wise person would agree with them, then it is rejected on principle. It's the logical default to not accept claims just because it is made. There has to be a basis for agreement. Some want a truth that has some emotional significance, so that will drive the way they think. I have some of that but less than average folks. My truth has to be truthful, and that means demonstrable to some degree. I'm not 100% convinced ghosts exist as my exverience is limited to the ghost hunter shows. They have offered some very interesting evidence, so I'm convinced something is going on. What it is I have no idea. My guess is that it is tied to electricity in some way. I'd like to see more study.
As far as gods I think they work best as symbolisms, just as I do Christian doctrine should be symbolic, not literal. I think this approach would cause less inner conflict that is apparent in many believers.
Yes, we all have stories to tell. My Christian exodus is a long and complicated story because it took me thirty years to finally admit to myself that I was either believing in a sadistic and psychotic God who obviously doesn't care about me or in a God who doesn't even exist. I consider myself to be the perfect example of how deeply a religion can brainwash and entrap a person. My belief and faith in God were deeply embedded in my psyche, and it was nearly impossible for me to renounce them. My emotional dependence on God is analogous to being locked in a prison cell, except that the door to my cell was always open, and I never realized that I could leave whenever I wanted. Being a devout Christian was detrimental to my emotional, mental, and physical health, and giving up my belief and faith in God was the best decision I've ever made for myself. To be honest, it was difficult for me to even question God, the Bible, and what I believed as a Christian because I had grown up in the church and had been taught to believe in God regardless of the circumstances. I had been taught that the Bible is "God's word" and that I should never question its authority or accuracy. Additionally, other Christians shamed me when I dared to question God in any way. So, I quickly learned to keep my personal doubts and questions to myself while I was growing up.
Unfortunately, this mentality stuck with me for much of my adult life, and I was a devout Christian for thirty years. I always felt shame and guilt whenever I questioned God, so I pushed my doubts to the back of my mind and tried to ignore them. I lived with the nagging feeling that I was ignoring my doubts, and that made me feel sad and confused. I finally got to a mental breaking point two years ago, when I decided that I wasn't going to ignore my doubts anymore. I decided I was going to face them, come what may, and so I did. I began to examine and re-examine everything that I believed about God, the Bible, and everything else I believed as a Christian. After I left Christianity, I reread the Bible carefully and researched its accuracy. I concluded that if a man named Yehoshua (i.e., Yeshua, Jesus) lived during biblical times, he was probably just an ordinary man and a popular religious teacher, and his followers made up a few lavish stories about him, copied and changed some Greek myths, and gave him godlike qualities. These embellished stories and godlike myths about him spread to other parts of the world, where even more people believed them. In my opinion, various Christian leaders debated and altered a few of the stories about Jesus to suit the ideologies of various groups, such as pagans. I believe that paganism had a significant influence on the stories about Jesus, the Bible, and Christianity as a whole. I do not believe that Christianity is unique in its beliefs or that it is the only true religion in the world.
There is no doubt in my mind that giving up my devout faith in God and letting go of all the guilt and shame that came with 'disobeying' him was the best decision I've ever made for my mental health. The truth is that I wasted thirty years of my life believing that God is loving and merciful and that he loves me. I now realize that I foolishly held on to this false hope throughout the many years I was abused as a child and teenager and as an adult, dealing with chronic depression and anxiety attacks caused by PTSD. I feel very foolish when I think about all the years I wasted desperately clinging to my faith in God.
I don't regret my decision, but I wish I had made it years ago because it would have saved me years of depression. If my personal exodus from Christianity has taught me anything, it's to be sympathetic and not judgmental of someone who is trapped in a religious cult and can't see the forest for the trees. It took me a long time to realize that I don't need to believe in God to do what's right, and I don't need to feel guilty because I do something that the Bible considers sinful. I'm no longer worried about going to hell or facing God's judgment. I've finally let go of the fear tactics of Christianity. I no longer accept the fear, shame, and guilt that Christianity instills in its followers. Penn Jillette hit the nail on the head when he suggested that people don't need God to do what's right, and I couldn't agree more (read his quote
here). I have hope, joy, peace, and contentment in my life now, but only because I rejected my Christian faith and God. However, to emotionally heal and finally find hope, joy, peace, and contentment in my life, I had to let go of my belief, hope, and trust in God. I can assure you that it was difficult at first because I had to clear my mind of all the Christian indoctrination I had received throughout my life, but the emotional anguish I went through while trying to free myself was well worth it. I've learned to keep my spiritual beliefs at bay and not allow them to take over my life the way my Christian faith did for the majority of my life. After abandoning my Christian faith, I eventually realized that I don't need God or any other deities in my life to feel peace, joy, and contentment. I've learned to stand on my own two feet, and I no longer feel the need to rely on a deity to help me get through difficult times, control how I act, or dictate the decisions I make. I no longer need religion as an emotional crutch.
Being a Wiccan has been very liberating, and unlike when I was a Christian, I no longer feel any fear, guilt, or shame hanging over my head. The negativity I encountered as a devout Christian eventually led me to Wicca and, later, polytheism, and being a Wiccan has been a very positive experience for me. I'm drawn to Wicca because of the Wiccan Rede, the different gods, the respect for nature, and the fact that Wicca is open about death and the afterlife. I think that learning about other deities has been fascinating, and I feel liberated after being restricted to only one God as a Christian. As a Wiccan, I don't have to worship a certain god or goddess, and I don't have to be morally good all the time to appease a vengeful and jealous God who threatens to send me to hell for all of eternity if I don't follow his strict rules. As far as I'm concerned, I don't need to believe in any deities to live a moral life and make the right choices. I've proven to myself that I can stand on my own without genuinely believing in a deity. And speaking as a former Christian, I believe that it is vitally important for people to learn to stand on their own and care for themselves without overly relying on religious beliefs or a deity to heal them or protect them from harm. In my opinion, the sooner a person learns this, the better their mental health and personal life will be once they learn to care for themselves. It proved true for me, so I believe that it's possible for others once they are free of the indoctrination they've been subjected to in their lives.