Hangups with Monogamy

[Many Sages One Truth]

Okay, so basically I am re-evaluating my outlook on relationships, and rather I really believe in monogamy or not. I have been pretty antagonistic toward marriage for about two years, and since my last break up, I feel that may be extending to monogamy in general.

Don't get me wrong, I wondered if monogamy was what I wanted back when I was about 18, but I went with it, because I figured it was the best thing to do.

I am starting to think about monogamy as a social norm. Society puts monogamy up on a pedestal and acts as though it's the best.

I just don't know anymore. Anyone else ever wondered about this?

 

[blackout]

Polyamory - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

 

[Splarnst]

Humans didn't evolve to be monogamous. That's why it's difficult, especially for men. That men are somewhat larger than women indicates that we're a somewhat polygynous species. Our reproductive system has favored men who sleep with many women and women who keep a man around to help raise their children.

We also didn't evolve to live in large societies, to live in agricultural societies, or to live anything resembling modern lifestyles. There's some adaption needed for all of it. It doesn't mean that monogamy is necessarily a bad idea, but it's not perfectly natural, and in my view, it's not best for everyone. I prefer monogamy myself, as long as I can still watch (mostly vanilla) porn. But I have no real interest in other partners, and I prefer that my partner not have any others.

 

[Many Sages One Truth]

Yeah, but isn't Polyamory also about relationships, and I'm not sure I am wanting relationships at all?

 

[ckww]

Monogamy is a sacrifice and commitment even when things aren't "peachy'...Promiscuity is selfish and self-gratification and hurtful. That is how I see it.

It all boils down to the ultimate outcome of sex...children. Children happen (when you least expect it) and when one chooses to be promiscuous they choose to hurt children that come from that behavior....by bringing them into a chaotic enviroment from the start.

 

[Many Sages One Truth]

Monogamy is a sacrifice and commitment even when things aren't "peachy'...Promiscuity is selfish and self-gratification and hurtful. That is how I see it.

It all boils down to the ultimate outcome of sex...children. Children happen (when you least expect it) and when one chooses to be promiscuous they choose to hurt children that come from that behavior....by bringing them into a chaotic enviroment from the start.

Given you're a Southern Baptist, I suppose I can't expect much of a different answer then this.

 

[Sunstone]

Humans didn't evolve to be monogamous.

Look at our nearest relatives. We are a damn sight more monogamous than they are. Obviously either our common ancestor with them was as monogamous as we are, or we have evolved towards monogamy. Just because we have not evolved complete monogamy is no reason to say we did not evolve monogamy.

 

[Sunstone]

Monogamy is a sacrifice and commitment even when things aren't "peachy'...Promiscuity is selfish and self-gratification and hurtful. That is how I see it.

It all boils down to the ultimate outcome of sex...children. Children happen (when you least expect it) and when one chooses to be promiscuous they choose to hurt children that come from that behavior....by bringing them into a chaotic enviroment from the start.

*Sigh*

 

[blackout]

Yeah, but isn't Polyamory also about relationships, and I'm not sure I am wanting relationships at all?

ahhh. Well then, I think that would be casual dating? no?

nothing wrong with that.

Just make sure you're very clear with your dates
to make sure they're on the same page.

There's also the friends with benefits option.

 

[ckww]

Given you're a Southern Baptist, I suppose I can't expect much of a different answer then this.

Guess not. We tend to think logically...us Southern Baptists.

We look at the children we know who live in chaotic environments....children who don't really have a home (as in total equal custody) and who grow used to the manipulation and fighting of their mommy's and daddy's. We see children who are brought up in unstable environments, who are at risk for all sorts of issues.

We know there is a better way.

 

[Many Sages One Truth]

Well ckww I'm just going to be frank. A Christian home with a married mother and father are no guarantee of a good home for a child. I grew up in a so-called "Christian home" with a mommy and daddy, and I had to watch my dad beat my mom almost every night, while he quoted "wife submit to your husband".

 

[Sunstone]

ahhh. Well then, I think that would be casual dating? no?

nothing wrong with that.

Just make sure you're very clear with your dates
to make sure they're on the same page.

There's also the friends with benefits option.

This sounds like a good plan.

 

[blackout]

Okay, so basically I am re-evaluating my outlook on relationships, and rather I really believe in monogamy or not. I have been pretty antagonistic toward marriage for about two years, and since my last break up, I feel that may be extending to monogamy in general.

Don't get me wrong, I wondered if monogamy was what I wanted back when I was about 18, but I went with it, because I figured it was the best thing to do.

I am starting to think about monogamy as a social norm. Society puts monogamy up on a pedestal and acts as though it's the best.

I just don't know anymore. Anyone else ever wondered about this?

Yeah, but isn't Polyamory also about relationships, and I'm not sure I am wanting relationships at all?

It seems to me that monogomy isn't really your primary 'issue'.
Relational commitment is.

 

[Splarnst]

Look at our nearest relatives. We are a damn sight more monogamous than they are. Obviously either our common ancestor with them was as monogamous as we are, or we have evolved towards monogamy. Just because we have not evolved complete monogamy is no reason to say we did not evolve monogamy.

When people discuss monogamy, especially in a religious context, they mean "complete monogamy." I agree, there are certainly gradations. I don't think that undercuts my point.

We also don't really know how monogamous our pre-historic ancestors really were. A lot changes once a species moves from being nomadic hunter-gatherers to being stationary agriculturalists. Even today, there are societies that are polygynous, and even more in the recent past. It's not like we're uniformly monogamous, even as an ideal.

 

[Many Sages One Truth]

It seems to me that monogomy isn't really your primary 'issue'.
Commitment is.

Oh no, I'm usually the faithful one in the relationship, I'm just not sure Monogamy is what I really want. I also would be open to trying Polyamory, again, I'm really just not sure.

 

[ckww]

Well ckww I'm just going to be frank. A Christian home with a married mother and father are no guarantee of a good home for a child. I grew up in a so-called "Christian home" with a mommy and daddy, and I had to watch my dad beat my mom almost every night, while he quoted "wife submit to your husband".

I suppose we all have experiences. I raised two kids in a "Broken" environment. And now I have two children in a stable home with my current husband. The difference is night and day.

We can always fall back on statistics. Statistics show that children living in a single parent home have alot of issues...the majority of prison inmates are from single parent homes. These children are prone to be depressed, on drugs and don't do as well in school. They have behavior problems, legal problems...and in general are born into an environment that is not beneficial for them.

Sometimes it is good to look at what a behavior does to your next generation before you advocate it.

 

[Many Sages One Truth]

When people discuss monogamy, especially in a religious context, they mean "complete monogamy." I agree, there are certainly gradations. I don't think that undercuts my point.

We also don't really know how monogamous our pre-historic ancestors really were. A lot changes once a species moves from being nomadic hunter-gatherers to being stationary agriculturalists. Even today, there are societies that are polygynous, and even more in the recent past. It's not like we're uniformly monogamous, even as an ideal.

Given the trend of most past societies to practice polygamy, I think it can be demonstrated, our ancestors were not monogamous.

 

[Many Sages One Truth]

I suppose we all have experiences. I raised two kids in a "Broken" environment. And now I have two children in a stable home with my current husband. The difference is night and day.

We can always fall back on statistics. Statistics show that children living in a single parent home have alot of issues...the majority of prison inmates are from single parent homes. These children are prone to be depressed, on drugs and don't do as well in school. They have behavior problems, legal problems...and in general are born into an environment that is not beneficial for them.

Sometimes it is good to look at what a behavior does to your next generation before you advocate it.

Statistics doesn't mean there aren't exceptions to the rule, which means monogamy isn't "always" best for children. The happiest years of my childhood were when my mom was single and raising me. Now I admit, that may not have been easy for my mother, but she is a strong woman, and it's what she wanted to do. Who is society to question her decision?

 

[blackout]

Oh no, I'm usually the faithful one in the relationship, I'm just not sure Monogamy is what I really want. I also would be open to trying Polyamory, again, I'm really just not sure.

Maybe date someone who is open to an Open, or Poly relationship.

That way there's always that openness of possibility,
and that openness of possibility
is a dynamic of your relationship.

And it's something you both want.

 

[Splarnst]

Do Southern Baptists disapprove of birth control? Because if it's used properly, then you really have very chance of an unwanted pregnancy.