How to speak PROPER Australian...

[Secret Chief]

Just won greatest city in the known universe for the 4th straight time. Let me know if you come...I'll buy you a pint.

...is the right answer!

I like very hoppy stuff. And as much as it pains me, my favourite style is American Pale Ale. There, I said it.

Sounds like you got decent stuff to go at.

 

[Desert Snake]

Male platypus have a poisonous spur. Having said that, they're so far down the list of things to worry about, they dont make the cut.
Drop bears are MUCH more dangerous.

Oh, and I'd prefer if Fosters was not referred to as Australian. Or beer, for that matter. Cat wee in a can.

Yeah but you get more in the can.

 

[lewisnotmiller]

...is the right answer!

I like very hoppy stuff. And as much as it pains me, my favourite style is American Pale Ale. There, I said it.

Sounds like you got decent stuff to go at.

Check out the hop hog...

Our Beer | Feral Brewing Company

 

[xkatz]

 

[Secret Chief]

Check out the hop hog...

Our Beer | Feral Brewing Company

Mmmm I'm lovin the hog...

 

[lewisnotmiller]

Heathens! Errr...I mean, non-Australian RFers!
AFL grand final today.
This is the biggest of the various football codes we play, and 100000 people will be at the home of football (MCG) to watch.
My team got put out last week, in the prelims but this is still a mucho biggo Aussie sporting day.
As a reminder that I dont mean soccer or rugby...

2014 best marks
[Youtube]ldL7ADjQkXY[/youtube]

2014 best goals
[Youtube]MAJibBGkFxc[/youtube]

 

[Katzpur]

G'day...so, there are a couple of ways you can learn to speak Australian without actually BEING one of God's chosen.

Oh, give me a break already!

 

[lewisnotmiller]

Oh, give me a break already!

Heh heh...
I kinda see this thread as my charity act for the year. I'm giving you all the chance to improve yourselves.
Now go watch the Goal and Mark of the year vids. They're short, and even if you're not into AFL (which is sacrilegious), you will be able to appreciate the spectacularness of these.

And no, spectacularness is not a real word. Not even in Australia.

 

[dust1n]

I don't even know what that is, lew.

 

[lewisnotmiller]

I don't even know what that is, lew.

I dont know whether to despair at the ignorance in the world or cry for the lack of sustenance your soul has received.

First lesson...no helmets, no pads, no stopping.

 

[dust1n]

I dont know whether to despair at the ignorance in the world or cry for the lack of sustenance your soul has received.

First lesson...no helmets, no pads, no stopping.

I guess I have heard of Aussie before, but never really thought about it I guess, enough to look it up. Wud's up with that ball? It's kinda goofy. Why does the ball have to hit the ground every once in a while?

 

[dust1n]

I bet you don't even know.

 

[lewisnotmiller]

I bet you don't even know.

Sorry, was busy having barbeques, drinking, and watching the grand final...which was a rubbish game and completely one-sided. Meh...it happens...

So lessee...the weird ball thing, and bouncing it, right?

1. The Weird Ball
So, in typically Aussie fashion, the very first games of Aussie Rules had basically NO rules. There were various ways of playing, and the teams would agree on which method they'd follow before the game. All strictly amateurish, of course. One of the things they'd determine was the ball they were going to use. I think the choice was generally between a rugby ball (oval) or a Gaelic football (round). The ball shape is fundamental to the game now, of course. Kicking a round ball is an entirely different skill, and reading which way the ball will bounce is something the best players are almost clairvoyant at.
An indigenous game (Marngrook) was played with a possum skin, which I can only assume was also NOT round. Not sure that this impacted on the formation of Aussie Rules though, but certainly Aussie Rules is widely played and followed to very high levels amongst the indigenous communites now.

2. Bouncing
As near as I can tell, it was introduced as a handicap to stop the fast players simply running the length of the field. Initial games were played in public parks, where the distance between goals could be more than a kilometer, and trees, etc were just part of the landscape. There were also massive teams of whomever turned up. The bounce was a way to stop the fastest and best runners taking off from one end, running a kilometre, and scoring without needing to pass, or without anyone able to catch them.
There is probably some reference here to Gaelic football, I would imagine, although exactly what constitutes a bounce, and the skill of doing this is different in AFL.

Course, even with an almost innate ability to read how the strange shaped ball will bounce, the shape introduces an element of luck, which is important to keeping people on the edge of their seat. Consider this goal...

[youtube]Y-en3rE6_7s[/youtube]

 

[dust1n]

Thanks for the info. To be fair, it looks more interesting than soccer and rugby. Also very goofy indeed. If I ever make it to Australia, I'll have to see a match.

 

[lewisnotmiller]

Thanks for the info. To be fair, it looks more interesting than soccer and rugby. Also very goofy indeed. If I ever make it to Australia, I'll have to see a match.

If you ever make it to Melbourne, give me a holler...I'll take you.

 

[lewisnotmiller]

Lesson...err...Whatever We're Upto. Let's call it Lesson Ten

The States of Australia

Australia is not a single entity. Due to the way it was originally ran after European settlement, and to the vast distances, there are a number of states which more or less did whatever the frig they wanted to originally. Whilst this is not so much the case now, there are clear differences between the states socially, culturally, and legally. We also have a couple of territories, which are not legally states, and run to different rules.

So, I thought I'd give you a quick flier on each. This is just the basics, mind you. But any Aussie would be impressed by a dirty heathen who knows his Hobart from his Wagga Wagga, so to speak.

Ahem..okay, here we go...

New South Wales (State)
Capital : Sydney
Other key cities : Newcastle, Wollongong, Albury, Wagga Wagga
Known for : Opera House, Harbour Bridge, Bondi Beach
Positives :

1. Increasingly aware of superiority of Aussie Rules Football
2. Quality beaches within city limits
3. Proper city, with all the variation and action that implies

Negatives :

1. Not Victoria
2. Too many people think Rugby League is a legitimate sporting choice
3. Commonly delusional regarding the quality of their city

Queensland (State)
Capital : Brisbane
Other key cities : Gold Coast, Townsville, Rockhampton
Known for : Sunshine, Crocodile Hunter, Dodgy politicians
Positives :

1. Increasingly aware of superiority of Aussie Rules Football
2. Great weather
3. Adelaide is not in Queensland

Negatives :

1. Not Victoria
2. Too many people think Rugby League is a legitimate sporting choice
3. Commonly delusional regarding the importance of sunshine versus being part of the actual decision making processes in Australia
4. Epically bad beer. XXXX, their fave, is cat ****. I don't mean this figuratively, I believe they literally 'milk' cats.

South Australia (State)
Capital : Adelaide
Other key cities : Phhht...I'm barely qualifying Adelaide...
Known for : Churches and serial killers. Unsure on relationship between the two.
Positives :

1. Aussie Rules Football mad
2. Hate Victoria due to jealousy (this is completely justified, and therefore worthy)
3. Cheap Houses

Negatives :

1. Not Victoria
2. Adelaide - which is kinda like the world's biggest backwater, I suspect.

Western Australia (State)
Capital : Perth
Other key cities : Not much, unless you count 'Massive amounts of uninhabited desert' as a city...
Known for : Mining, Heat, and being a frigging massive state. Also instituting the occasional shark cull.
Positives :

1. Aussie Rules Football mad
2. Great Weather
3. Good beaches

Negatives :

1. Not Victoria
2. They're kinda...err...unique. They're a little isolated from the rest of the country, and it shows.
3. Space wasters. They fit 2 and a half million people in a state which is 3.6 times larger than Texas.

Tasmania (State)
Capital : Hobart
Other key cities : Launceston, Devonport. But these are all on the 'country town' side of the equation.
Known for : Wilderness, Apples, Clean Water, Cousin-loving
Positives :

1. Aussie Rules Football mad
2. Very pretty
3. Very natural

Negatives :

1. Not Victoria
2. Small population.
3. Cold. Like really cold.
4. Combine really cold with really small population and you start to realise the problems with a small gene pool. Cuddling up to your stepsister becomes an awkward shotgun marriage.

Northern Territory(Territory)
Capital : Darwin
Other key cities : Alice Springs.
Known for : The Outback, Uluru, Kakadu
Positives :

1. Aussie Rules Football mad
2. Uniquely Australian culture, landscapes, and outlooks
3. Laidback

Negatives :

1. Not Victoria
2. Not exactly at the forefront of the arts. Or sport. Or politics. Or religion. Or anything, much.
3. Hot. Like really hot.

Australian Capital Territory(Territory)
Capital : Canberra
Other key cities : Nope. Just Canberra. The ACT was created purely because Sydney sooked up that Melbourne was going to be made Aussie capital. We ended up building Canberra halfway between Melbourne and Sydney, and put it in it's own territory. It's surrounded by New South Wales, kinda like the Vatican in Italy.
Known for : Politicians
Positives :

1. Not New South Wales
2. Unusual road design. Hey, it's Canberra...I'm scratching here.

Negatives :

1. Not Victoria
2. Boring. Like really boring. Imagine boring, and now introduce wet paint which is drying on slowly growing grass. This is a mere hint of Canberra. To get the true Canberra vibe, the wet paint would have to go home at 5.30 pm on a Friday night, and the slowly growing grass would need to make constant speeches indicating to the rest of the grass what a good job it was doing.

Victoria(State)
Capital : Melbourne
Other key cities : Geelong, Ballarat, Bendigo, Warrnambool.
Known for : Awesomeness. Also, unreliable weather, sports craziness, arts, culture, food and shopping.
Positives :

1. Not New South Wales
2. It's frigging VICTORIA!
3. Centre of Known Universe
4. Home of AFL Grand Final
5. Home of Australian F1 Grand Prix
6. Home of Australia's best restaurants, art and people...ahem...

Negatives :

1. Having to endure the jealousy of the lesser Australians (ie. Non-Victorians)

 

[lewisnotmiller]

So, obviously I've drifted a little from my original aim, which was to teach you guys how to speak PROPER Australian, without any of the hyperbole or rubbish you'd generally be inflicted with.

But it's not ONLY about language. Here is the post where I get it all back on track, and share the gold with ya.

Lesson Eleven - How to pick up Aussie Women

Now, now, settle down. I'm gonna base this on my own experience with picking up my wife, so it may not be applicable to all situations. However, based on my experience, this will land you a hot Aussie woman you probably don't deserve.

Step 1 - Make friends with an Aussie bloke with hot sisters

Actually, hot sister is enough, but it improves your odds if there is more than one possible hook-up opportunity. Let's face it, 2 in a billion is twice as likely to happen as 1 in a billion.

Step 2 - Look irresistable

Okay, so I have no idea how I achieved this. That being the case, if you can achieve 'effortless irresistability' that would seem to give you the best chance

Step 3 - Stuff around for approximately 4 weeks

Based on my experience you should spend most of this time wondering if she's out of your league. Let's face it, she is. After all, if you're reading this, you're not even an Aussie. And you're trying to pick up a lovely piece of Aussie womanhood? She is so far out of your league, chances are you're not even playing the same sport.

Step 4 - Wait for a party where she's had a couple of drinks and have a crack

More than a couple of drinks is not cool. Less than a couple of drinks is not likely. Timing is everything my friends. Cheeks need to be rosy rather than vomit spattered, eyes sparkling rather than glassy.
Let her know in no certain terms that you're interested, and if she reciprocates, congratulations...send a check and/or photos to me via PM.
If she doesn't reciprocate, move on politely. After all, your mates are going to give you grief for five minutes, then silently admire you for weeks. You were the non-Aussie who actually dared to dream.

 

[Bunyip]

If I could direct readers to the seminal work of Proffesor Afferbeck Lauder in his book 'let stalk strine'.

It is without question the definitive work here.

 

[Bunyip]

From Prof Lauder

Inner Narkup Luddaze: A builder's term, meaning: within the next seven or eight weeks. An elaboration of this phrase, `Air smite, inner narkup luddaze for sure', means, in the building trade, within the next seven or eight weeks.

 

[Bunyip]

Another from Prof Lauder

Rise Up Lides: Sharpened steel wafers, now usually stineless, used for shiving.