I am a good man, so why don't I have a girlfriend? Do I need to be a jerk instead?

[Ruadri Canmore]

This thread is mainly directed towards the women on this site but guys can jump in if they have an insight.

I'm a decent chap, not perfect, but I am a kind and loving person. From what I understand I am what women say they want, a nice, kind, loving person and yet every time I ask a girl out I get a no, and the one time I did ask a girl out and she said yes after the first date she left me for some guy in her salsa dance class.

It has been suggested that I need to get to know these girls first before I ask them out so that they know for sure I am a good guy and feel safe with me. Yet for the past school year I developed friendships with a number of different girls and they all said no when I ask them out, except for the one girl I mentioned above her who kissed me on our one date, told me she had a wonderful time and then dumps me over the phone for the salsa dance guy.

I'm wondering if you actually want a nice guy. Like I've heard a number of other guys say that in order to get a woman, you need to be a jerk to her. Whenever someone has said this to me before I've been rather skeptical. Yet after not just acting decent but actually being a nice guy (I'm nice and chivalrous by nature and I am a bit replused by the idea of being an *******) I have no mate, and am wondering if these guys are right.

I feel as though I am being crushed under the weight of lonelyness and inadequacy.
It may sound ridiculous but I feel like grabbing collective womankind by the shoulders, shaking her and screaming "Here I am! I am a good and chivalous knight as you asked for! Then why am I alone?"

Do I need to be an ******* towards women? Do I need to sell my soul to have a companion?

 

[Sunstone]

It seems to me that you think women owe -- or at least ought to go out with -- nice guys simply because they are nice guys. Is that so? If it is, then I think you are mistaken.

Also, there was a recent thread on this same topic. You can find it here. It's good reading.

 

[Caladan]

There is a myriad of other traits women (and men) look for in partners, being sweet or nice may be one of them, but it's not the holy grail of attractive qualities.

EDIT:

Also, as Sunstone says, maybe you need to give women the right and space to choose for themselves.

 

[Shermana]

I feel as though I am being crushed under the weight of lonelyness and inadequacy.
It may sound ridiculous but I feel like grabbing collective womankind by the shoulders, shaking her and screaming "Here I am! I am a good and chivalous knight as you asked for! Then why am I alone?"

There lies your problem: Women hate neediness and feelings of self-entitlement like the plague.

 

[Storm]

It seems to me that you think women owe -- or at least ought to go out with -- nice guys simply because they are nice guys. Is that so? If it is, then I think you are mistaken.

Also, there was a recent thread on this same topic. You can find it here. It's good reading.

^ This. ^

 

[Father Heathen]

You have to posture. Girls love an act. The more pretentious the better.

 

[Iti oj]

You have to posture. Girls love an act. The more pretentious the better.

said but true. its a game

 

[Kathryn]

This thread is mainly directed towards the women on this site but guys can jump in if they have an insight.

I'm a decent chap, not perfect, but I am a kind and loving person. From what I understand I am what women say they want, a nice, kind, loving person and yet every time I ask a girl out I get a no, and the one time I did ask a girl out and she said yes after the first date she left me for some guy in her salsa dance class.

It has been suggested that I need to get to know these girls first before I ask them out so that they know for sure I am a good guy and feel safe with me. Yet for the past school year I developed friendships with a number of different girls and they all said no when I ask them out, except for the one girl I mentioned above her who kissed me on our one date, told me she had a wonderful time and then dumps me over the phone for the salsa dance guy.

I'm wondering if you actually want a nice guy. Like I've heard a number of other guys say that in order to get a woman, you need to be a jerk to her. Whenever someone has said this to me before I've been rather skeptical. Yet after not just acting decent but actually being a nice guy (I'm nice and chivalrous by nature and I am a bit replused by the idea of being an *******) I have no mate, and am wondering if these guys are right.

I feel as though I am being crushed under the weight of lonelyness and inadequacy.
It may sound ridiculous but I feel like grabbing collective womankind by the shoulders, shaking her and screaming "Here I am! I am a good and chivalous knight as you asked for! Then why am I alone?"

Do I need to be an ******* towards women? Do I need to sell my soul to have a companion?

No, no, PLEASE do not become a jerk toward women!

Not sure how old you are but you sound rather young, perhaps still in school? If this is the case, here's my suggestion:

Remain a nice, chivalrous, responsible, respectful man, even in spite of the rejection you are feeling.

Give these foolish girls a few years to get beat up/mistreated/jerked around by more "exciting," "exotic," "mysterious," "powerful" men. After a few years of this, they'll appreciate you a lot more.

Meanwhile, take a close look at where and how you are meeting women. Are you meeting them in places and situations that would attract the caliber of woman you are looking for? You're not trying to be a knight in shining armor, are you? What I mean by that is that some guys are attracted to women they can "save" from bad situations - unfortunately, these women don't always make the best mates, considering they are often already messed up which is WHY they are in bad situations to begin with!

Don't compromise your values. Set your standard for the sort of woman you want to be with, and then make sure you're worthy yourself of that sort of woman. What I mean by that is, basically (here's just an example) - if you want someone with good credit, make sure you have good credit too. If you want someone who keeps themselves neat and clean, be sure you do the same. If you want someone who's in good shape physically, be sure you are too.

Hope this helps. Good luck!

 

[Iti oj]

learn to flirt

and if your still in high school females are much different after you graduate

 

[Kathryn]

You have to posture. Girls love an act. The more pretentious the better.

Girls, maybe. But not women. Not the smart ones, anyway.

 

[Ruadri Canmore]

Okay, its not an entitlement thing its more a I feel like a man who is dying of thirst and cannot find water.

I am frustrated because I long for love, sex, companion. I have been told "this is how you attract a woman" and yet my attempts to do via the instructions give to me have ended in failure.

Though I wonder at this "entitlement" thing. I am a human being and all human beings deserve to love and to be love be virtue of being human beings. I dislike your statement because it sounds to me as though you are saying that there are situation where a human being might not be worthy of love.

 

[Iti oj]

Okay, its not an entitlement thing its more a I feel like a man who is dying of thirst and cannot find water.

I am frustrated because I long for love, sex, companion. I have been told "this is how you attract a woman" and yet my attempts to do via the instructions give to me have ended in failure.

Though I wonder at this "entitlement" thing. I am a human being and all human beings deserve to love and to be love be virtue of being human beings. I dislike your statement because it sounds to me as though you are saying that there are situation where a human being might not be worthy of love.

ahh instructions? so your being fake?

 

[Kathryn]

Okay, its not an entitlement thing its more a I feel like a man who is dying of thirst and cannot find water.

I am frustrated because I long for love, sex, companion. I have been told "this is how you attract a woman" and yet my attempts to do via the instructions give to me have ended in failure.

Though I wonder at this "entitlement" thing. I am a human being and all human beings deserve to love and to be love be virtue of being human beings. I dislike your statement because it sounds to me as though you are saying that there are situation where a human being might not be worthy of love.

Everyone is worthy of respect for their humanity, but not everyone is worthy of intimate love. Think about it. Was Jeffrey Dahmer worthy of intimate love with a mate? What about people who are just sorry and shiftless and slovenly - should they be "entitled" to a mate just because they are a person? Or should they strive to be worthy of someone's love?

We are, after all, talking about romantic love here - not simply affection or the love between brothers and sisters or family members. Romantic, sexual love takes a bit more effort, commitment, and energy.

 

[Me Myself]

I find what you say very understandable.

I don´t think you think they have the need to be in love with you or something like that.

You don´t want evry woman in the world to want you, you just want at least some to like you for who you are: a person that enjoys being a nice guy. (among A LOT of other things that you probably dont hide neither)

I truly know the feeling(although I am of those who are last accused of being nice guys ) and I wish I knew what to advice you.

I can only tell you: would it be worth it? would it be the kind of relationship you want? would you feel satisfied? with a woman liking your "act" instead of who you truly are?

I know you probably asked yourselve this questions, and I ask them again just to tell you that you are not alone. To a lot of men this has happened and yes, it is hard. (women obviously also have their complains about us too, but that is for another thread)

It is hard to be more of a grown up than the ones you are dating with. This is probabnly just a phase and you will eventually find a woman who diserves you.

 

[Sunstone]

If you're going to be a nice guy, be a nice guy because that's you. But don't be a nice guy to get women. That won't work so well.

 

[beenie]

If you're going to be a nice guy, be a nice guy because that's you. But don't be a nice guy to get women. That won't work so well.

Yep, this. :yes:

 

[Me Myself]

If what he has told us is correct, that is already what he does. (not that no one lies on the internet, but it is simply unnecessary to suppose it is a lie for now, it´s not even as if what he was saying was so incredible)

He is saying he is "nice" by nature and still has this problem. Haven´t you seen it countless times? I mean he is not saying anything incredibly astonishing.

He treats women well and has a genuine interest in having a meaningful relationship with them and a inherent care for their feelings, and they fly off with salsa guy (which could actually also be like this and have abs, but you do see what I am saying )

 

[cablescavenger]

A compliment and a smile goes a long way, learn to give them away for free and then walk away, that will make you more attractive.

Talk about them and not you or you will be as popular as a fart in a space suit.

If you want help with picking up and passing on flirting signals I would recommend Body Language by Allan Pease.

 

[jasonwill2]

This thread is mainly directed towards the women on this site but guys can jump in if they have an insight.

I'm a decent chap, not perfect, but I am a kind and loving person. From what I understand I am what women say they want, a nice, kind, loving person and yet every time I ask a girl out I get a no, and the one time I did ask a girl out and she said yes after the first date she left me for some guy in her salsa dance class.

It has been suggested that I need to get to know these girls first before I ask them out so that they know for sure I am a good guy and feel safe with me. Yet for the past school year I developed friendships with a number of different girls and they all said no when I ask them out, except for the one girl I mentioned above her who kissed me on our one date, told me she had a wonderful time and then dumps me over the phone for the salsa dance guy.

I'm wondering if you actually want a nice guy. Like I've heard a number of other guys say that in order to get a woman, you need to be a jerk to her. Whenever someone has said this to me before I've been rather skeptical. Yet after not just acting decent but actually being a nice guy (I'm nice and chivalrous by nature and I am a bit replused by the idea of being an *******) I have no mate, and am wondering if these guys are right.

I feel as though I am being crushed under the weight of lonelyness and inadequacy.
It may sound ridiculous but I feel like grabbing collective womankind by the shoulders, shaking her and screaming "Here I am! I am a good and chivalous knight as you asked for! Then why am I alone?"

Do I need to be an ******* towards women? Do I need to sell my soul to have a companion?

It could be that, with really pretty girls, that they are already "worshiped" by all the nice guys, but when they see a guy who is indifferent or doesn't care, it drives their ego to win his affections. It could be an approval daddy issue thing, or it could jsut be ego... im not sure which. it seems like a "Challenge" to them i guess

suggestion: try a girl that's not got such a big ego, or ask them what they REALLY like in a guy personally (if they say "nice" and all that stuff ask them besides the typical stuff what they like)

 

[Sunstone]

If what he has told us is correct, that is already what he does. (not that no one lies on the internet, but it is simply unnecessary to suppose it is a lie for now, it´s not even as if what he was saying was so incredible)

He is saying he is "nice" by nature and still has this problem. Haven´t you seen it countless times? I mean he is not saying anything incredibly astonishing.

He treats women well and has a genuine interest in having a meaningful relationship with them and a inherent care for their feelings, and they fly off with salsa guy (which could actually also be like this and have abs, but you do see what I am saying )

That happens sometimes. When it happens, you just pick yourself up and stay true to yourself. What else can you reasonably do? Sooner or later, the odds favor that you will find someone who likes you for yourself -- if you meet enough people.