I am a good man, so why don't I have a girlfriend? Do I need to be a jerk instead?

[-Peacemaker-]

Someone's being a "good man" doesn't mean that women have some kind of obligation to date him.

The best advice I can give is to be yourself; don't try to force yourself to act a certain way, and you will find the right person who will like you for who you are rather than what anyone thinks you should be.

I can't promise that if you do the bolded you'll find the right person for you but I'm sure it's your best shot. I will say this much, if the nice guy schtick isn't matched with supreme confidence in yourself you're probably not going to get very far. Women usually don't dig sissy boys.

 

[Shermana]

"Be yourself" is probably one of the most incorrect pieces of advice to ever offer someone. Usually, "yourself" is in grave need of improvement, and I speak from experience. At the same time, trying to act like something you're not is equally a no no. The key is to improve whatever deficiencies you have and to not have so much pride that you refuse to correct your flaws. Women like winners, and if you ain't a winner, you're competing at the bottom of the league.

At the very least, maybe 100 pushups a day will help. No amount of Personality can compete without any physique unless you have a few zeroes in your bank.

 

[Chisti]

"Be yourself" is probably one of the most incorrect pieces of advice to ever offer someone. Usually, "yourself" is in grave need of improvement, and I speak from experience. At the same time, trying to act like something you're not is equally a no no. The key is to improve whatever deficiencies you have and to not have so much pride that you refuse to correct your flaws. Women like winners, and if you ain't a winner, you're competing at the bottom of the league.

At the very least, maybe 100 pushups a day will help. No amount of Personality can compete without any physique unless you have a few zeroes in your bank.

I have many, many zeroes in my bank. Will that count?

 

[nnmartin]

how about just acting like a Caveman - animal instinct usually does the trick!

 

[Debater Slayer]

"Be yourself" is probably one of the most incorrect pieces of advice to ever offer someone. Usually, "yourself" is in grave need of improvement, and I speak from experience. At the same time, trying to act like something you're not is equally a no no. The key is to improve whatever deficiencies you have and to not have so much pride that you refuse to correct your flaws. Women like winners, and if you ain't a winner, you're competing at the bottom of the league.

At the very least, maybe 100 pushups a day will help. No amount of Personality can compete without any physique unless you have a few zeroes in your bank.

I don't see how not constructing a facade to try to impress others is mutually exclusive with improving oneself. By advising someone to "be yourself", only the former part is implied (at least that's how I meant it). Being too arrogant to improve is not confidence; it is just stubbornness.

 

[nnmartin]

people have a natural level of attractiveness, that artificial attributes cannot change.

If you are not naturally attractive to women then you never will be, no matter what.

 

[Heathen Hammer]

"Be yourself" is probably one of the most incorrect pieces of advice to ever offer someone..

*bzzt!

Wrong.

Ruadri, if you are still in school then the advice that everything will change later was right; nothing that happens in high school will really matter to your real life except, perhaps, how you deal with bullies and such.

'Be yourself' is exactly right. You need to attract someone who appreciates your self, because if you act like a jerk, you will resonate with and attract a woman who is also a jerk; she'll never satisfy you, and you'll face the need to be someone you're not, for the rest of the relationship. In fact you probably won't run into a True Love for some time; you'll deal with at least 3 'heavy' relationships in your life and that means at least two of them will end, and probably badly.

Who you are will develop as you have your relationships. There are things you can only learn by going through the really bad times, and observing how you and your loved one reacts. Many times you'll get lessons on either how you do not want people to react around you, as much as you'll learn to lose bad habits by having them cost you dearly.

The human personality is so varied there's no ideal way to go about it, except to be who you are and to search until you resonate with someone who wants that person. Until then, find some bang partners and don't sweat it. Be a nice guy always, we are worth twice what jerks are. Just be a nice guy who is bold enough to ask a girl out, and who is brave enough to get up and dance if she asks.

PS - one thing you'll find: many woman say they want a nice guy but go for jerks; some think they want the handsome jerk but discover these guys are without depth. the truth is, half the time women don't know what they want until it's already in front of them, and then they make the wrong choice, any way. [there's nobody here I intend to pursue, so I can say this without fear ]. You're going to go through rough times before you get what you want. But eventually, you'll get her.

 

[Sunstone]

When you see a girl go for a jerk, Ruadri, it might be because she doesn't know better. As a rule, young women are just as uncertain -- perhaps even as confused -- as young men about who they are most compatible with. And most people, you can't tell them a thing: They have to experience it themselves to learn.

 

[Kathryn]

I say "Be yourself" with this caveat:

If "being yourself" means being a jerk, or a weenie, or socially inept, or irresponsible, or stupid - improve yourself before you start making demands of women.

 

[Father Heathen]

Tilt your cap sideways, walk like you have a knee injury, use double negatives and be rude and aggressive toward others. This is the winning formula.

 

[Father Heathen]

When you see a girl go for a jerk, Ruadri, it might be because she doesn't know better. As a rule, young women are just as uncertain -- perhaps even as confused -- as young men about who they are most compatible with. And most people, you can't tell them a thing: They have to experience it themselves to learn.

What about the ones who make a habit of it? Such as jumping from one abusive relationship to another, while talking about how all men are horrible between each one.

 

[Zoe Doidge]

This thread is mainly directed towards the women on this site but guys can jump in if they have an insight.

I'm a decent chap, not perfect, but I am a kind and loving person. From what I understand I am what women say they want, a nice, kind, loving person and yet every time I ask a girl out I get a no, and the one time I did ask a girl out and she said yes after the first date she left me for some guy in her salsa dance class.

It has been suggested that I need to get to know these girls first before I ask them out so that they know for sure I am a good guy and feel safe with me. Yet for the past school year I developed friendships with a number of different girls and they all said no when I ask them out, except for the one girl I mentioned above her who kissed me on our one date, told me she had a wonderful time and then dumps me over the phone for the salsa dance guy.

I'm wondering if you actually want a nice guy. Like I've heard a number of other guys say that in order to get a woman, you need to be a jerk to her. Whenever someone has said this to me before I've been rather skeptical. Yet after not just acting decent but actually being a nice guy (I'm nice and chivalrous by nature and I am a bit replused by the idea of being an *******) I have no mate, and am wondering if these guys are right.

I feel as though I am being crushed under the weight of lonelyness and inadequacy.
It may sound ridiculous but I feel like grabbing collective womankind by the shoulders, shaking her and screaming "Here I am! I am a good and chivalous knight as you asked for! Then why am I alone?"

Do I need to be an ******* towards women? Do I need to sell my soul to have a companion?

Neither is right dude. Obviously being a jerk isn't going to get you anything but an abusive relationship and more likely than not a drink in your face (or a kick in the nuts).

Unfortunately being desperate for female attention is one thing that turns everyone but prostitutes off very quickly. You'll find yourself a permanent guest of the 'friend zone'.

Quit needing a girlfriend. You need to get yourself in a position where you're mentally ready to face the world without one. If you can do that you'll find you're more confident in yourself, and ironically therefore more attractive to us.

 

[Koldo]

What women want is a tough guy / bad boy.

Reasonable looks and muscles plus some power over other males.

forget all the nice guy crap, that's just tosh for the TV.

Money is a great attractor as well of course.

and also, with money you need not care so much as you can always find a willing girl in a bar or on a street corner.

does the trick for me!

As much i would like to disagree with nnmartin on this, i just can't.
Except for faulty generalization...

Power attracts people. It may be in the form of money, cars, strength, job, fame, and so on. Power makes everything easier. It doesn't mean you are necessarily going to attract the sort of person you would like to live the rest of your life with though.

 

[jasonwill2]

"Be yourself" is probably one of the most incorrect pieces of advice to ever offer someone. Usually, "yourself" is in grave need of improvement, and I speak from experience. At the same time, trying to act like something you're not is equally a no no. The key is to improve whatever deficiencies you have and to not have so much pride that you refuse to correct your flaws. Women like winners, and if you ain't a winner, you're competing at the bottom of the league.

At the very least, maybe 100 pushups a day will help. No amount of Personality can compete without any physique unless you have a few zeroes in your bank.

i agree

people have a natural level of attractiveness, that artificial attributes cannot change.

If you are not naturally attractive to women then you never will be, no matter what.

nonesense attraction is subjective and not limited to physical apparence

 

[Sunstone]

What about the ones who make a habit of it? Such as jumping from one abusive relationship to another, while talking about how all men are horrible between each one.

What about them? Everyone has a story about a woman, or a few women who are like that. But I get suspicious when people say all women are like that. Makes me think they don't know many women.

By and large, the women I know who go from one abusive relationship to another were sexually, emotionally, and/or physically abused as children. I would guess, off hand, nine out of ten of them were.

 

[Mister_T]

If you're going to be a nice guy, be a nice guy because that's you. But don't be a nice guy to get women. That won't work so well.

The advice Sunstone gives here is wise. You may be a generally nice guy, but maybe the vibe you're giving off is that you're being nice for the sake of getting something in exchange for it, in this case intimacy. Women are very sensitive to these types of things and can pick up on it easily.

You often here that "jerks" get all the women. While that may be true in a certain sense, women aren't attracted to them because of their jerk behavior, they are attracted to them because they aren't kissing their behinds every chance they get hoping to get something in exchange for it. They are independent, not seeking approval or permission, could take or leave if they want to be in a relationship/intimate...they take charge of themselves and situations....these are the qualities women find desirable in "jerk" men. Woman are as attracted to those things in men, the same way that you're attracted to a woman's physical beauty.

Granted once you get in a relationship with someone, those behaviors will naturally be altered and changed due to the compromise that comes in being in a committed relationship to one another, but while you're on the prowl in search of a mate, these are the qualities that are going to stick out. Take it from someone who was also a "nice guy" when he was younger and spent many months trying to figure out what was going on.

 

[Me Myself]

What about the ones who make a habit of it? Such as jumping from one abusive relationship to another, while talking about how all men are horrible between each one.

What about them? Everyone has a story about a woman, or a few women who are like that. But I get suspicious when people say all women are like that. Makes me think they don't know many women.

By and large, the women I know who go from one abusive relationship to another were sexually, emotionally, and/or physically abused as children. I would guess, off hand, nine out of ten of them were.

When people say "all men are horrible" or "all women are horrible" I just remember them:

Both we men and you women suck in our own very special ways.

 

[Alceste]

The best advice I can give you is to find something interesting to do with your frustrated libidinic energy, rather than trying to get a girlfriend. Whether you're a nice guy or a jerk, women (and men) can smell desperation. It's a huge turn-off. Nobody worth dating wants to save you from your loneliness. Nobody is going to have sex with you just because "everyone deserves sex". Find a way to save yourself from your loneliness and you'll not only feel better about yourself and your situation, but also become more attractive to potential girlfriends.

If you must have it boiled down to a simple formula, there are few qualities you could develop that would be more attractive to women than a genuine disinterest that stems from being preoccupied with something more intriguing than getting a girlfriend. Rock climbing. Scuba diving. Playing an instrument. Writing a book. Meditation.

The worst case scenario is that learning to be happy and self-sufficient without a girlfriend doesn't attract a girlfriend, in which case, who cares?

Of course it goes without saying that you should take care of yourself and present yourself well. Look in the mirror. Could you do anything to make yourself more attractive? Dress a little better? Lose a few pounds, or put a few on? Get a haircut? Of course there's more to it than that, but being as physically attractive as you can will help get your foot in the door. Not many of us want to have sex with other people's potential inner beauty.

 

[jasonwill2]

Lust rituals

 

[Shermana]

Lust rituals

But that's cheating! Once magick enters the equation it's like playing an online game with a hack for unlimited gold or something. (Unless the person has Divine counter-hack up and running).