I just want a normal boyfriend

[Trailblazer]

I think there is such a thing as a normal boyfriend but I cannot seem to find one.

I mean no offense towards the man I met on a dating site but he is not normal in any sense of the word. In many ways I might not be considered normal but at least I fall withing reasonable parameters of normality. I mean I have always had a place to live and a job. I do have a lot of cats but that does not make me abnormal because many other people have lots of cats or dogs.

People can get by without a job if they have another means of support but I am very concerned about getting serious about a man who has lived in a vehicle for decades. I cannot make that work in my mind. I don’t think it is because of lack of money because he has had social security all this time, first disability and then regular social security. I also think he could work if he wanted to.

He says he lives in his vehicle which is a Chevy Suburban on BLM-managed public land because he cannot live in the city because he has MCS, but I just cannot believe that. Maybe it is true, I don’t know, but what this means to me is that I can never meet him in person since he is afraid to come to where I live, since I live in a populated area, even though I live in the country. There would be no point in my going to where he is located to meet him, since I could never live there.

The only communication I have with this man is over the phone, he does not even have a way to communicate via regular e-mail or texting. I am wondering if I should break this so-called relationship off before it goes any further, because I do not want to lead him on and end up hurting him, nor do I want to get hurt myself. I cannot afford to be hurt by men any more than I have already been hurt.

I was initially attracted to him because I like his beliefs about God, and I liked his photo, and after I talked to him on the phone I liked his overall demeanor, as he is very kind and polite and he respects me and my beliefs about no sex out of wedlock. He says he wants a woman to love, not to have sex with. If we were married, he would probably want sex, but that is not a problem for me.

I am not only concerned about how he lives, I am concerned about how he thinks, as it seems rather extreme to me. Most of this is regarding health and eating habits. Lots of men are vegetarian or vegan and I understand that and have no problem with it, but it is more than that. He has an obsession about physical health. I am not sure I could live with that since I already have anxiety about other things so I don’t want to add to that. I am very healthy and I don’t want to obsess about what I eat. I eat pretty well but I refuse to count calories or measure how much fat intake I have. I have been down that road before but it was over 30 years ago and I don’t intend to do it again. Life is too short to worry about everything I eat. There are too many other things that are really important to me, and if he does not think they are important maybe we are not well matched. He does not need to be a carbon copy of me, and I would not want that, but if he is on a completely different path in life, it just won’t work.

This is the man who said that he could not live with the cats but we have gotten past that now. Yesterday he said I had to be kind because I love animals so much and he is okay with the cats and he even wants to see photos of them. Most of the problem now is regarding his MCS which to him means he can only live out in the middle of nowhere in high desert elevations. I live in a house and I plan to stay here so it cannot work unless he concedes to live in my house. I am going to stay in touch with him a little while longer. I am going to send him an e-mail, which he can only receive at the public library, and in it I am going to tell him what I am thinking, that I don’t want to hurt him or be hurt by getting my hopes up about a relationship that can never be.

 

[JustGeorge]

I had a friend for years(not a boyfriend, but a friend) that claimed to have something called HSD(hypersensitivity disorder). He didn't mention this when I first met him online, and reported eating and drinking normally(though he was very proud of his complete lack of care for health and his love of junk food).

As time went on, and he lost control of his living situation. He left an abusive girlfriend, and had to leave his job, going hours away to live with his mother. I noted it was about this time I started hearing about HSD. Sure, sure. You eat these bland sugary fatty foods because anything else upsets your stomach(makes sense, if you're not used to fruits and veggies). Not my problem, really, so I didn't dwell on it. I remember him complaining about his mom not buying things that fit his 'requirements'. He never did get back at it or work again, but I didn't think much on it, as the place he lived in was truly small and remote. I could understand a person struggling to find employment there.

Fast forward. He ended up living with us for about a year. He just couldn't get a foot up. We tried to help him out, but that's a long story for another day. What was notable was this 'condition' he said. He couldn't eat meals with the rest of us, he needed his own stuff. Reece's. Pringles. Pepsi. He couldn't have so much as a glass of water "or I could die!" he'd tell me, with very serious eyes, and a severe tone of voice. If he had some apple juice and some veggie pasta, his HSD would go into overload, and that would be the end of him.

Living with him, I could see he had OCD. He'd wash his hands repetitively. He'd obsess over how someone else did things. He once went a month without a bath because I left my shaving razor near the tub(I wasn't aware that was what was keeping him out of it). He wore the same clothes until they literally disintegrated. He refused to get any kind of help or admit there was a problem at all, and the situation got worse and worse until we finally asked him to leave.

Looking back, I wonder if the pretend condition(I asked a nurse, she said such a thing didn't exist) started when he lost control of his life. When he moved away from his girlfriend, everything he knew changed. His city, his living condition, his friends, activities... perhaps the food was all he had he felt he could control. I have no idea if that's what's going on with the guy you've been talking to, but the obsessions and odd lifestyles(and this is coming from a big weirdo like me) might hint that he's unable to live in another setting, or that there's something else going on with him. He might be a great guy, I don't know, but I'd be cautious here(and I think you are).

 

[JDMS]

I think it'd be wise to end things, to be honest.

 

[PoetPhilosopher]

I think there is such a thing as a normal boyfriend but I cannot seem to find one.

I mean no offense towards the man I met on a dating site but he is not normal in any sense of the word. In many ways I might not be considered normal but at least I fall withing reasonable parameters of normality. I mean I have always had a place to live and a job. I do have a lot of cats but that does not make me abnormal because many other people have lots of cats or dogs.

People can get by without a job if they have another means of support but I am very concerned about getting serious about a man who has lived in a vehicle for decades. I cannot make that work in my mind. I don’t think it is because of lack of money because he has had social security all this time, first disability and then regular social security. I also think he could work if he wanted to.

He says he lives in his vehicle which is a Chevy Suburban on BLM-managed public land because he cannot live in the city because he has MCS, but I just cannot believe that. Maybe it is true, I don’t know, but what this means to me is that I can never meet him in person since he is afraid to come to where I live, since I live in a populated area, even though I live in the country. There would be no point in my going to where he is located to meet him, since I could never live there.

The only communication I have with this man is over the phone, he does not even have a way to communicate via regular e-mail or texting. I am wondering if I should break this so-called relationship off before it goes any further, because I do not want to lead him on and end up hurting him, nor do I want to get hurt myself. I cannot afford to be hurt by men any more than I have already been hurt.

I was initially attracted to him because I like his beliefs about God, and I liked his photo, and after I talked to him on the phone I liked his overall demeanor, as he is very kind and polite and he respects me and my beliefs about no sex out of wedlock. He says he wants a woman to love, not to have sex with. If we were married, he would probably want sex, but that is not a problem for me.

I am not only concerned about how he lives, I am concerned about how he thinks, as it seems rather extreme to me. Most of this is regarding health and eating habits. Lots of men are vegetarian or vegan and I understand that and have no problem with it, but it is more than that. He has an obsession about physical health. I am not sure I could live with that since I already have anxiety about other things so I don’t want to add to that. I am very healthy and I don’t want to obsess about what I eat. I eat pretty well but I refuse to count calories or measure how much fat intake I have. I have been down that road before but it was over 30 years ago and I don’t intend to do it again. Life is too short to worry about everything I eat. There are too many other things that are really important to me, and if he does not think they are important maybe we are not well matched. He does not need to be a carbon copy of me, and I would not want that, but if he is on a completely different path in life, it just won’t work.

This is the man who said that he could not live with the cats but we have gotten past that now. Yesterday he said I had to be kind because I love animals so much and he is okay with the cats and he even wants to see photos of them. Most of the problem now is regarding his MCS which to him means he can only live out in the middle of nowhere in high desert elevations. I live in a house and I plan to stay here so it cannot work unless he concedes to live in my house. I am going to stay in touch with him a little while longer. I am going to send him an e-mail, which he can only receive at the public library, and in it I am going to tell him what I am thinking, that I don’t want to hurt him or be hurt by getting my hopes up about a relationship that can never be.

This is why I don't move as fast with connections as what I once did. I'll give people a trial period generally (without telling them they're in a trial period), and if too many red flags are raised during that time, or if there's much arguing, I'll cut things off.

 

[lewisnotmiller]

End it early.

 

[crossfire]

End it now.

 

[InChrist]

I think there is such a thing as a normal boyfriend but I cannot seem to find one.

I mean no offense towards the man I met on a dating site but he is not normal in any sense of the word. In many ways I might not be considered normal but at least I fall withing reasonable parameters of normality. I mean I have always had a place to live and a job. I do have a lot of cats but that does not make me abnormal because many other people have lots of cats or dogs.

People can get by without a job if they have another means of support but I am very concerned about getting serious about a man who has lived in a vehicle for decades. I cannot make that work in my mind. I don’t think it is because of lack of money because he has had social security all this time, first disability and then regular social security. I also think he could work if he wanted to.

He says he lives in his vehicle which is a Chevy Suburban on BLM-managed public land because he cannot live in the city because he has MCS, but I just cannot believe that. Maybe it is true, I don’t know, but what this means to me is that I can never meet him in person since he is afraid to come to where I live, since I live in a populated area, even though I live in the country. There would be no point in my going to where he is located to meet him, since I could never live there.

The only communication I have with this man is over the phone, he does not even have a way to communicate via regular e-mail or texting. I am wondering if I should break this so-called relationship off before it goes any further, because I do not want to lead him on and end up hurting him, nor do I want to get hurt myself. I cannot afford to be hurt by men any more than I have already been hurt.

I was initially attracted to him because I like his beliefs about God, and I liked his photo, and after I talked to him on the phone I liked his overall demeanor, as he is very kind and polite and he respects me and my beliefs about no sex out of wedlock. He says he wants a woman to love, not to have sex with. If we were married, he would probably want sex, but that is not a problem for me.

I am not only concerned about how he lives, I am concerned about how he thinks, as it seems rather extreme to me. Most of this is regarding health and eating habits. Lots of men are vegetarian or vegan and I understand that and have no problem with it, but it is more than that. He has an obsession about physical health. I am not sure I could live with that since I already have anxiety about other things so I don’t want to add to that. I am very healthy and I don’t want to obsess about what I eat. I eat pretty well but I refuse to count calories or measure how much fat intake I have. I have been down that road before but it was over 30 years ago and I don’t intend to do it again. Life is too short to worry about everything I eat. There are too many other things that are really important to me, and if he does not think they are important maybe we are not well matched. He does not need to be a carbon copy of me, and I would not want that, but if he is on a completely different path in life, it just won’t work.

This is the man who said that he could not live with the cats but we have gotten past that now. Yesterday he said I had to be kind because I love animals so much and he is okay with the cats and he even wants to see photos of them. Most of the problem now is regarding his MCS which to him means he can only live out in the middle of nowhere in high desert elevations. I live in a house and I plan to stay here so it cannot work unless he concedes to live in my house. I am going to stay in touch with him a little while longer. I am going to send him an e-mail, which he can only receive at the public library, and in it I am going to tell him what I am thinking, that I don’t want to hurt him or be hurt by getting my hopes up about a relationship that can never be.

From what you have written about this man and about yourself and your living situation; I would end communication and go no further with him.

 

[crossfire]

Perhaps you might have better luck networking through the Baha'i community?

 

[PoetPhilosopher]

I think it'd be wise to end things, to be honest.

End it early.

End it now.

From what you have written about this man and about yourself and your living situation; I would end communication and go no further with him.

I agree too. I just didn't want to come out and say it. But since that road has already been crossed... I'll agree too.

 

[Trailblazer]

Living with him, I could see he had OCD. He'd wash his hands repetitively. He'd obsess over how someone else did things. He once went a month without a bath

I suspect this man has OCD. I guess one reason I keep talking to him is because I keep thinking I could be wrong, and I feel sorry for him, but I have an MA in Psychology and over 30 years in therapy, and I have had OCD myself, so I think I am probably right. I asked him if he ever takes a shower or bath and he admitted he doesn't but he said that was perfectly healthy.

 

[Trailblazer]

This is why I don't move as fast with connections as what I once did. I'll give people a trial period generally (without telling them they're in a trial period), and if too many red flags are raised during that time, or if there's much arguing, I'll cut things off.

He is definitely IN the trial period but he is not passing the trial!
There are just too many red flags

 

[Trailblazer]

Perhaps you might have better luck networking through the Baha'i community?

There is no networking through my Baha'i community for this sort of thing. We are all on our own when it comes to dating.
I already tried two Baha'i dating sites but that was a complete wash. Only one man even responded to my messages and he turned out to be a con-man impersonating a Baha'i and eventually got discovered by the site management and got removed from the site.

 

[Truthseeker]

I think there is such a thing as a normal boyfriend but I cannot seem to find one.

Is there? Who defines what is normal?

Most of the problem now is regarding his MCS which to him means he can only live out in the middle of nowhere in high desert elevations. I live in a house and I plan to stay here so it cannot work unless he concedes to live in my house. I am going to stay in touch with him a little while longer. I am going to send him an e-mail, which he can only receive at the public library, and in it I am going to tell him what I am thinking, that I don’t want to hurt him or be hurt by getting my hopes up about a relationship that can never be.

Well, even if "normal" is in the eyes of the beholder this guy doesn't seem very normal. You can talk to him, but you have to tell him it can't advance beyond the talking "friendship" phase.

 

[Trailblazer]

I agree too. I just didn't want to come out and say it. But since that road has already been crossed... I'll agree too.

There is a reason I have posted this here. I knew I had to do something rather than continuing to carry on, but I just did not know what to do. I told him I would send him an e-mail so I will tell him what I have to in that e-mail. Even if I do not get hurt, it is not fair to lead him on anymore.

 

[crossfire]

There is no networking through my Baha'i community for this sort of thing. We are all on our own when it comes to dating.
I already tried two Baha'i dating sites but that was a complete wash. Only one man even responded to my messages and he turned out to be a con-man impersonating a Baha'i and eventually got discovered by the site management and got removed from the site.

I mean asking around the Baha'i community, in person.

 

[Trailblazer]

You can talk to him, but you have to tell him it can't advance beyond the talking "friendship" phase.

Obviously it can't advance beyond that if I can never see him in person. Even he said that!
What keeps it going is that he seems so normal about some things, yet is lifestyle is abnormal.

 

[Trailblazer]

I mean asking around the Baha'i community, in person.

Unfortunately, since Covid, the Baha'is in my community don't meet in person anymore, only in Zoom meetings.
The only way for me to meet other Baha'is would be to travel to other communities who meet in person but I cannot drive on I-5 anymore so I cannot do that.

 

[Truthseeker]

There is no networking through my Baha'i community for this sort of thing. We are all on our own when it comes to dating.

It depends. A Baha'i helped out Sara to find a husband, and she ended up with me. However, they were good friends, and her friend was an Auxiliary board assistant, so she got around and knew a lot of men. As it happens, she came south from the Cleveland area to the Dayton area to help us in a deepening series and met me, and for some strange reason picked me to meet Sara.

 

[Brickjectivity]

I am flabbergasted that you are willing to put up with someone who doesn't bathe, however I have next to zero experience with relationships and am as from from being a psychologist as a person can be. I say he sounds like way, way too much trouble. He sounds like he needs a mom not a girlfriend.

 

[Trailblazer]

It depends. A Baha'i helped out Sara to find a husband, and she ended up with me. However, they were good friends, and her friend was an Auxiliary board assistant, so she got around and knew a lot of men. As it happens, she came south from the Cleveland area to the Dayton area to help us in a deepening series and met me, and for some strange reason picked me to meet Sara.

Well Duane, you already know the story of how Lewis and I met, because my sister and mother knew him and told him about me, but that was a fluke, and I don't expect that to happen again. How you met Sara was also a fluke. It was just fate, the same with Lewis.

As you well know, Baha'is do not get around the same way they did in the old days before the internet and Covid.
By all rights, I should be able to find a Baha'i man on a dating site, but obviously none of those men are serious about getting married, as they claim to be.

Now, if somebody cared enough about me to find a Baha'i man for me, that'd be another story (hint, hint.).