I was a christian for 18 years and I did not choose to become an atheist. What unconvinced me was realizing the evidence that convinced me god was real was flawed in many ways. I could no longer believe, it was not a choice.
Bob met a woman named Sarah, and they 'hit it off'. And as he get to know her better, over time, he realized that she is everything he wants in a life-mate. She's fun and funny and smart and pretty and so on ... so he falls in love with her. And he is very happy.
One day Bob accidentally discovers that Sarah is going out with other men, and is having sex with them, and has been lying to him about it all along. Bob is shocked, and furious, and heart-broken, as most anyone would be. The woman that he believed in, and fell in love with, turned out not to be who he believed and loved her to be.
So now Bob hates Sarah for not being the woman he had believed her to be. And he blames the deception entirely on her. And of course he could never love her now, after having discovered that she had done this to him.
But the real truth of the matter is that Bob COULD CHOOSE to forgive Sarah. He could choose to take part of the responsibility for the deception on himself; ... for seeing only what he wanted to see, and for not seeing any other possibilities. For only caring about who Sarah was TO HIM, and never wondering about who Sarah is
to herself.
Bob actually had a lot of options he could have chosen besides just hating and blaming Sarah. But he wasn't looking for those other options. Just as he wasn't looking for any other versions of Sarah. Bob says and believes that he had no choice once he discovered that Sarah was lying to him. But no matter how intently he believes that, it will never really be true, Because there were always other options. And just because he ignored them, and never even considered them, doesn't mean they didn't or don't exist. Or that he could not have chosen one of them, instead.
Perhaps if Bob had not been such a narcissistic 'black and white' thinker, he would have been able to see Sarah more realistically in the first place. And then avoided all this hate and heart-break. But he didn't. Mostly because he believes he couldn't. Even though he could've.
We have to see the choices before we can choose one of them. refusing to look for them does not mean they are not there.