Math and science jokes -- GO!

[Meow Mix]

What do you get when you cross a mountain climber with a mosquito?

NOTHING -- you can't cross a scalar with a vector!

:slap:

 

[Kilgore Trout]

1 + 1 = 3, for large values of 1

 

[DeitySlayer]

A superconductor walks into a bar.
"We don't serve superconductors here" says the bartender.
The superconductor leaves without putting up any resistance.

A Higgs-boson walks into a church.
"We don't like Higgs-bosons in here" says the priest.
"But without me, how can you have mass?"

If you were a function, I would be your integral so I could be the area under you.

If you were a function, I would be your differential, so I would be touching all your curves.

If I were a function, you would be an asymptote: I tend towards you.

Let's do some maths: Add the bed, subtract our clothing, divide your legs and let's hope we don't multiply.

Ohh...I feel so dorky

 

[Gunfingers]

I fully support this idea.

A cow stops giving milk, so the farmer calls the local college. A few days later he gets a response from the physics department saying "We have a solution, but it only works for spherical cows in a vacuum."

A mathematician, a physicist, and an engineer are riding a train through Scotland.

The engineer looks out the window, sees a black sheep, and exclaims, "Hey! The sheep in Scotland are black!"

The physicist looks out the window and corrects the engineer, "Well, all we know is that some of the sheep are black."

The mathematician looks out the window and corrects the physicist, "Strictly speaking, all we can say is that is that there exists a field in Scotland containing a sheep, at least one side of which is black."

A set of smooth functions threw a party, and everyone was invited. They had great games set up like limbo (for the functions with horizontal asymptotes) and pin the delta on the epsilon.
e^x was sitting in the corner by himself, and his close friend e^2x came over to see why he was distancing himself from the crowd. e^2x said to e^x, "Go and integrate yourself into the crowd," to which e^x replied, sobbing, "It won't make a difference!"

what's the integral of 1/CABIN dCABIN?


Houseboat! (logCabin + C)

An engineer, a physicist and a statistician are in a hotel when a fire starts.

"Pour water on it!" Cries the engineer
"No, remove the oxygen!" Says the physicist.

The statistician, seeing their disagreement, frantically runs round the hotel starting fires

"What the hell are you doing?" The other two ask

"Creating a decent sample size."

 

[Kilgore Trout]

A bumper sticker on the back of a car: If this appears blue you're going TOO FAST!!

 

[Reptillian]

I've got a ton of math/science jokes.

Good excuses for when you aren't done with your math homework:

"I accidentally divided by zero and my paper burst into flames."
"I finished it last night and locked it in a safe, but a four dimensional dog got in and ate it."
"I could only get arbitrarily close to my textbook. I couldn't actually reach it."
"I have the proof that I did it, but there isn't room to write it in this margin."
"I put the homework in a Klein bottle, but this morning I couldn't find it."
"It was cloudy yesterday and I have a solar powered calculator."
"I took time out to snack on a doughnut and coffee, but spent the rest of the night trying to figure out which one to dunk."

 

[Kodanshi]

A bumper sticker on the back of a car: If this appears blue you're going TOO FAST!!

Me likes!

What do you get when you cross a mountain climber with a mosquito?

NOTHING -- you can't cross a scalar with a vector!

:slap:

BRILLIANT! You even made me spit out my tea in mirth! :yes:

I can’t think of a joke to go with it, but I’m sure there’s one that can make use of mistaking Halloween for Christmas because Oct 31 = Dec 25.

 

[Meow Mix]

A neutron walks into a bar, takes a seat and orders a drink. As the bartender sets it down the neutron starts rummaging through its wallet, only to be interrupted by the bartender. "For you? No charge."

 

[DeitySlayer]

Two atoms are walking down a hallway. One bumps into the other.

"Hey, you just knocked off my electron!!"
"Are you sure?"
"I'm positive!"

 

[Meow Mix]

Two atoms are walking down a hallway. One bumps into the other.

"Hey, you just knocked off my electron!!"
"Are you sure?"
"I'm positive!"

The fact that I'm giggling like a schoolgirl at most of these is either awesome or sad.

 

[Kodanshi]

Or possibly both: awesad.

 

[DeitySlayer]

The fact that I'm giggling like a schoolgirl at most of these is either awesome or sad.

Definitely the latter

 

[Revoltingest]

OK...I've trotted it out before...but...

How do you know if the mathematician talking to you is an extrovert?
He's looking at your shoes instead of his own.

 

[Neo-Logic]

What is 12 inches and isn't a ruler????

 

[The Neo Nerd]

Ive already told this one but its worth repeating.

Descartes walks into a bar and the bartender says "would you like a drink"

Descartes says "i think not"

And suddenly disappears

-Q

 

[Gunfingers]

That reminds me of a similar one

A highway patrolman pulls over Dr Heisenberg for speeding. The officer asks him "Sir, do you have any idea how fast you were going?" and Dr Heisenberg responds "No, but i know exactly where i am."

Can't believe i forgot this one, it's my favorite engineering joke.

To the optimist, the glass is half full. To the pessimist, the glass is
half-empty. To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.

 

[cynic2005]

What is 12 inches and isn't a ruler????

No, please don't answer that one...

 

[Gunfingers]

Math pick-up lines.

I'm not being obtuse but you're acute girl.

You've got the curves, I've got the angles.

Honey, you're sweeter than 3.14.

Are you a differentiable function? Because I'd like to be tangent to your curves!

i'll take you to the limit as x approaches infinity.

let's take each other to the limit to see if we converge

you've got more curves than a triple integral

Euclid said that two parallel planes don't touch. Let's go back to my room and study some non-Euclidean geometry.

Why don't you be the numerator and I be the denominator and both of us reduce to simplest form?

I don't like my current girlfriend. Mind if I do a you-substitution?

Ever wonder what L'Hopital's rule has to say about limits in the form of me over you?

If you don't want to go all the way, you can still partially derive me.

In retrospect, some of those would be super creepy if actually used...

Why did the chicken cross the Mobius strip?

To get to the other ... um ... *scratches head*

"What do you call the derivative of optimus?"

A physicist, a biologist and a mathematician are sitting in a street cafe opposite an empty house. They see two people go into the house. Time passes, and after a while they see three people walk out of the house.

The physicist says "The measurements were not accurate."
The biologist says "The people who went into the house have reproduced."
The mathematician says "Now, if exactly one person enters the house it will be empty again."

Time = money
Women = time * money
Women = money^2
Money = sqrt(evil)
Women = sqrt(evil)^2
Women = evil

Misogyny is proven with maths!

 

[Kodanshi]

What do you call the derivative of optimus?

Rodimus?

 

[Skwim]

A bumper sticker on the back of a car: If this appears blue you're going TOO FAST!!

A highway patrolman pulls over Dr Heisenberg for speeding. The officer asks him "Sir, do you have any idea how fast you were going?" and Dr Heisenberg responds "No, but i know exactly where i am."

Also