Question for Married People

[Holdasown]

I don't really consider "window shopping" as "lusting after" members of the desired sex. (For me, the opposite sex). To me, "lusting after" someone would be actively trying to have sex with them, whereas noticing a hot woman is just that; a fleeting moment of sub-sexual appreciation.

Yeah just looking is just looking. Active seeking to cheat is something else. There have been a few women I have found sexually attractive but I would never have sex with a women. I think sometime hormones do a thing.

 

[Kenny]

Maybe it is a male thing. I never looked, even when I was younger.
Now that I am older I could care less about sex... boring.
I never think about it unless I see it posted on a forum, and then I forget about it as soon as I log off.
I used to be a sex addict so this is a 180 for me... I am so happy to be free of it.
Thank God I am free... I have MUCH more important things to think of and do, like serving God.
I think it is really just a matter of making a decision not to allow it to rule over you, IMO.

It could be more of a male issue than of a woman. But, yes, it is a decision.

Could it be your past addiction may have also affected today's view?

 

[Trailblazer]

It could be more of a male issue than of a woman. But, yes, it is a decision.

Could it be your past addiction may have also affected today's view?

Yes, of course it has. I never want to be who I was before, because I have learned from experience.

But the main reason for my view today is that I have immersed myself in the Writings of Baha'u'lalh, and I know what He wrote about self and passion... I believe that His Will is identical with the will of God, so I want to adhere to His injunctions.

 

[Kenny]

Yes, of course it has. I never want to be who I was before, because I have learned from experience.

But the main reason for my view today is that I have immersed myself in the Writings of Baha'u'lalh, and I know what He wrote about self and passion... I believe that His Will is identical with the will of God, so I want to adhere to His injunctions.

I'm happy for you.

iMV, God understood this and thus had intimacy only within context of marriage.

 

[sayak83]

That's what you tell yourself, sayak? :O

Well, I was clueless about ladies fashion before. Now I am at least better at the shopping thing.

 

[Kirran]

Well, I was clueless about ladies fashion before. Now I am at least better at the shopping thing.

I remember a few years ago I'd look at a young woman sometimes and be like 'Oh I'm just seeing what she's wearing...' to myself. More than that I was just having my attention caught by the appearance of young women, in fact.

Have you changed much since getting married, overall, Sayak?

 

[sayak83]

I remember a few years ago I'd look at a young woman sometimes and be like 'Oh I'm just seeing what she's wearing...' to myself. More than that I was just having my attention caught by the appearance of young women, in fact.

Have you changed much since getting married, overall, Sayak?

I am a bit neater and more helpful with chores. There is zero social awareness still though... that cause is hopeless.

 

[Kirran]

I am a bit neater and more helpful with chores. There is zero social awareness still though... that cause is hopeless.

Ah I was the neat one in our case

What's social awareness?

 

[Epic Beard Man]

I most certainly *do* check out other women. And my wife checks out other men. We often comment to each other about people we are attracted to,

But then, we don't default to monogamy, so even 'going further' isn't a violation of our marriage. YMMV

This even is all the more reason I don't trust women or want to get married.

 

[Epic Beard Man]

I've always wondered how many people actually do not lust after members of the opposite sex other than their spouse after they get married. I, for one, cannot see myself ever being able to refrain from checking out other women. I could love and commit myself to one woman, yes, but there is no way that I would not be checking out other women I find attractive on a daily basis. It just wouldn't be possible, or natural, to stop. I certainly wouldn't expect my wife to not check out other males. This leads me to my question: How many of you who are married (particularly married males, since males generally have a stronger sexual response to sight), actually don't check out members of the opposite gender?

EDIT: Apologies for not initially including LGBTQ couples as well. The question extends to you as well.

Never been married but have been in a long term relationship once and like @Mindmaster I was with a "dime piece" or a 10 as far as looks both physically and intellectually.I think with a healthy sexual relationship with your partner decreases the sensation of attraction of others outside the relationship especially if all other qualities are stimulated.

 

[Skwim]

Unless one is sexually dead, everybody checks out other people regardless of their marital or relationship status.

.​

 

[Trailblazer]

Unless one is sexually dead, everybody checks out other people regardless of their marital or relationship status.

Or unless somebody has a religion that says they are not supposed to check people out...

“Say: He is not to be numbered with the people of Bahá who followeth his mundane desires, or fixeth his heart on things of the earth. He is My true follower who, if he come to a valley of pure gold, will pass straight through it aloof as a cloud, and will neither turn back, nor pause. Such a man is, assuredly, of Me. From his garment the Concourse on high can inhale the fragrance of sanctity…. And if he met the fairest and most comely of women, he would not feel his heart seduced by the least shadow of desire for her beauty. Such an one, indeed, is the creation of spotless chastity. Thus instructeth you the Pen of the Ancient of Days, as bidden by your Lord, the Almighty, the All-Bountiful.”
Gleanings From the Writings of Bahá’u’lláh, p. 118

 

[Skwim]

Or unless somebody has a religion that says they are not supposed to check people out...

“Say: He is not to be numbered with the people of Bahá who followeth his mundane desires, or fixeth his heart on things of the earth. He is My true follower who, if he come to a valley of pure gold, will pass straight through it aloof as a cloud, and will neither turn back, nor pause. Such a man is, assuredly, of Me. From his garment the Concourse on high can inhale the fragrance of sanctity…. And if he met the fairest and most comely of women, he would not feel his heart seduced by the least shadow of desire for her beauty. Such an one, indeed, is the creation of spotless chastity. Thus instructeth you the Pen of the Ancient of Days, as bidden by your Lord, the Almighty, the All-Bountiful.”
Gleanings From the Writings of Bahá’u’lláh, p. 118

Ouch! No there's one cruel religion. It's like demanding that one not enjoy music or a beautiful sunset.

.

 

[Trailblazer]

Ouch! No there's one cruel religion. It's like demanding that one not enjoy music or a beautiful sunset..

It is not a demand, it is an injunction, but I understand that men will be men because I am married to one...
I just often wonder why "some men" do not change as they get older, maybe it is the hormones men have that women lack in older age.

 

[Skwim]

It is not a demand, it is an injunction,

Might want to look up the word "injunction."

but I understand that men will be men because I am married to one...
I just often wonder why "some men" do not change as they get older, maybe it is the hormones men have that women lack in older age.

It's not fair to either side, is it.

.

 

[Polymath257]

This even is all the more reason I don't trust women or want to get married.

I want to emphasize that I trust my wife completely. Her having another partner isn't a violation of our marriage agreement. Her looking or my own looking are also very much not a violation.

Why should they be?

In my view, marriage is not a form of ownership, but rather a partnership. Our mutual happiness is central to our partnership. And if that includes loving another person (a wonderful form of happiness), why should that be denied?

 

[Polymath257]

Never been married but have been in a long term relationship once and like @Mindmaster I was with a "dime piece" or a 10 as far as looks both physically and intellectually.I think with a healthy sexual relationship with your partner decreases the sensation of attraction of others outside the relationship especially if all other qualities are stimulated.

That very much depends on the people involved, their energy levels, and many other factors. Time is often a serious consideration: there are only 24 hours in a day.

 

[Trailblazer]

Might want to look up the word "injunction."

It is more like a strong recommendation.

It's not fair to either side, is it..

It does not seem like it... I sure did not like it when it happened but I got used to it after a few years.

 

[Skwim]

It is more like a strong recommendation.

in·junc·tion
inˈjəNG(k)SH(ə)n/
noun
noun: injunction; plural noun: injunctions
an authoritative warning or order.​

.

 

[LuisDantas]

Unless one is sexually dead, everybody checks out other people regardless of their marital or relationship status.

To an extent. But it is possible, and often advisable, to train oneself to avoid being carried away.

It helps to want to deserve what intimacy and sharing one gets.