Sex Before Marriage

[Quiddity]

I see nothing wrong with pre-marital sex. In fact I think it is fully warranted. Whether people want to admit it or not the fact is that physical attraction and sexual relations is an intregal part of a marriage. If you go into the relationship with just love and marry for love without experiencing physical relations and then it turns out that the physical attraction just isn't there or the sexual relations are not "compatable" with what either partner wants then that puts a strain on the marriage.

And you think this strain is caused because of lack of experience?

 

[dan]

As far as we know Adam and Eve never had their marriage sanctified by church or state; they were just living together in a garden.

Seriously, I guess your view is reasonable if you refuse to believe in evolution and accept the first few chapters of Genesis as factual history. But I don't share those beliefs, not even remotely.

If you believe in the evolution of man then you cannot believe in the Fall, the Atonement, or the Gospel. The is a gulf seperating the two ideas too great to be crossed by anyone or anything. The two are completely and totally incompatible. If you don't believe in the Gospel then the marriage talk need not include any references to the Bible. If you exclude Biblical references then your only recourse is to the sociological affects of sex before marriage, and I've shown a couple of times that it is not good.

Sex is not what defines people. Sex is not the essence of me, and when you define your whole self as a sexual being you fragment your relationships. You define others as sexual beings and your relationships are based on sex. Unfortunately, sex is an extrinsic value and will not last forever, or even maintain the same value. This means your relationships live and die with your sex lives. This creates severe instability.

The other all-too-common cop-out is to say that cohabitation before-hand lets you basically test drive your partner. This also means the success of your relationship comes down to whether or not your distinct sex lives have happened to put the two of you at the same place at the same time. You do not grow together, you just hope to run into each other in the same arena of sexual compatibility. This means everything, again, hinges on sex - only this time your exclusive experiences have to match.

Waiting until marriage to have sex means two things. One, each person has developed no sexual identity, and it can then be developed together. The couple discovers their sexuality together and only between the two of them. Two, their sexuality is exclusively theirs. It is not the result of others interfering or influencing. There's no risk of being incompatible, because you both start at zero. This is, absolutely bar none, the strongest sexual link that can be developed between two human beings. This kind of intimacy cannot ever be imitated or reproduced, and this kind of intimacy is the greatest indicator of a healthy marriage.

Someone out there will, of course, say their best friend, or brother, or somebody got married without ever having sex and they were completely incompatible. There's always at least one who uses that ridiculous excuse as evidence. All that example means is that the people either 1) were defined by sex, or 2) were selfish with sex. It simply cannot mean anything else. Two people completely devoted to the happiness of the other cannot fail, sexually, if they both wait.

 

[Bishka]

Uhhh...if you THINK so.

Have you ever been married? Do you know the internal workings of a marriage first hand? How many of your closest friends are married and confide their deepest thoughts, worries, and problems about their marriages to you? Have you ever known many divorcees and their reasons for divorce? Do you know what the major causes for problems within a marriage are? Second to finances is sex. With sex being such a pivotal issue in a relationship (whether your eyes want to see this or not) then it stands to reason that there is such a debate on this. The only way I can see your statement having any validity is if you take 2 virgins who have no idea what sex is all about and hope they turn out to both be liking the same things. However that is rarely the case. Everyone has different likes and preferences and boy, would it suck to live in a marriage in which you constantly felt sexually unsatisfied and never knew why or that there was something different you could be doing. If sex is a chore to you then I guess it doesn't matter...but to the rest of us that happen to enjoy sex...believe me...it makes a big difference.

I was a virgin until I was married, and most of my friends were that are married, and many of them are VERY happy in their lives. I know I am. Sexually, I mean. I don't think it' s necessary at all, but that's just my opinion.

 

[Buttons*]

To be perfectly honest, I would rather know what i'm getting into...

 

[Draka]

And you think this strain is caused because of lack of experience?

With that particular person maybe. I'm not saying that one needs to sleep around before they get married, but that pre-marital sex with the person you are considering spending the rest of your life with (ideally) can't hurt. You find out the likes and dislikes of your partner and if they aren't your likes and dislikes then that could cause a strain sexually in the marriage. One may always feel unsatisfied or just "not right". Why put oneself through that when you could find out before-hand.

And on the other side of this...if the people are in love, planning to get married and spend their lives together, and sexually things are good between them...then who does it really hurt if they have sex before they get a peice of legal paper?

 

[dan]

Oh, I've known people in their 80s and 90s who claimed to be virgins, and I believed them. I don't have a problem with that at all -- for them. But I would have a problem with it for myself.

It's too bad you don't understand the sanctity or the importance of the act of love.

I went to a Quaker wedding once. No one told me what to expect, so it blew my mind when we all just sat there for an hour and a half staring at each other. I think two people stood up to talk for about two minutes. It was the most boring thing I've ever done.

 

[dan]

To be perfectly honest, I would rather know what i'm getting into...

Yeah, what does that say about your character?

"y'know, you're an incredible person and I love you more than anyone I've ever known, and you'd make a fantastic wife and mother, but you jsut don't do all the things for me in bed that I want, so our relationship means nothing to me. Sorry, but my libido must take precedence over everything else. He's in charge."

 

[Draka]

I was a virgin until I was married, and most of my friends were that are married, and many of them are VERY happy in their lives. I know I am. Sexually, I mean. I don't think it' s necessary at all, but that's just my opinion.

I'm glad things work for you. I'm sure you know that things aren't the same for others though. Everyone can give examples for both sides...that should be enough though to cause question in the subject. It's like in a jury trial...reasonable doubt. If it is possible to have stories for each side with collaborating stories for each, then there can't be proven an exact "one way or another" type conclusion. What may work for some might not for others...therefore how can one side judge the others unobjectively unless they can accept the other side as valid? But as you have said...that's just my opinion.

 

[Buttons*]

Yeah, what does that say about your character?

"y'know, you're an incredible person and I love you more than anyone I've ever known, and you'd make a fantastic wife and mother, but you jsut don't do all the things for me in bed that I want, so our relationship means nothing to me. Sorry, but my libido must take precedence over everything else. He's in charge."

wow... i'm a girl....
I dont want kids either

 

[Draka]

Yeah, what does that say about your character?

"y'know, you're an incredible person and I love you more than anyone I've ever known, and you'd make a fantastic wife and mother, but you jsut don't do all the things for me in bed that I want, so our relationship means nothing to me. Sorry, but my libido must take precedence over everything else. He's in charge."

You know what that says about my character??? It says I would rather know beforehand that my partner likes tieing me up, ball-gagging me, and cracking out the whip. You like that? Go right ahead. But I think I would rather know beforehand that this awesome person I love turns out to be a sadist or whatnot in the bedroom. Just an extreme example there...but a possibility none-the-less. Sadists are just like everyone else...they just have different tastes in the bedroom.

And before you question someone else's character...let's see how yours is stuck in bad situations.

 

[Bishka]

You know what that says about my character??? It says I would rather know beforehand that my partner likes tieing me up, ball-gagging me, and cracking out the whip. You like that? Go right ahead. But I think I would rather know beforehand that this awesome person I love turns out to be a sadist or whatnot in the bedroom. Just an extreme example there...but a possibility none-the-less. Sadists are just like everyone else...they just have different tastes in the bedroom.

And before you question someone else's character...let's see how yours is stuck in bad situations.

Why can't you just talk about it? My husband and I talked about what we did and didn't like based on things that turned us on. The idea of bondage turn me on and I told him, he didn't like it, so he told me so. Isn't talking just as good.

 

[Buttons*]

Why can't you just talk about it? My husband and I talked about what we did and didn't like based on things that turned us on. The idea of bondage turn me on and I told him, he didn't like it, so he told me so. Isn't talking just as good.

but if you've never had sex, how do you know what you like in bed?

 

[Mister_T]

And on the other side of this...if the people are in love, planning to get married and spend their lives together, and sexually things are good between them...then who does it really hurt if they have sex before they get a peice of legal paper?

This is exactly what I was getting at. Couldn't have said it better myself. And the answer to your question is....nobody.

 

[Bishka]

but if you've never had sex, how do you know what you like in bed?

What turns you on. Maybe you have 'seen' some things.

 

[Buttons*]

What turns you on. Maybe you have 'seen' some things.

seeing and experiencing are two very different things

 

[Bishka]

seeing and experiencing are two very different things

Perhaps, but i worked for me. I still think that you shouldn't have sex before marriage, because I believe that sex is a sacred institution only to be used in marriage. I'm not going to say anymore on this topic, because I'm done, this is how I feel about it. I believe the powers of procreation are very special and sacred and God instituted them for this purpose. Y'all can think whatever you want, that's fine with me, whatever makes you happy.

 

[Mister_T]

I'm glad things work for you. I'm sure you know that things aren't the same for others though. Everyone can give examples for both sides...that should be enough though to cause question in the subject. It's like in a jury trial...reasonable doubt. If it is possible to have stories for each side with collaborating stories for each, then there can't be proven an exact "one way or another" type conclusion. What may work for some might not for others...therefore how can one side judge the others unobjectively unless they can accept the other side as valid? But as you have said...that's just my opinion.

Agreed. There are 2 types of people in regards to this subject.: virgins and non-virgins. What works for a virgin will not necessarly work for a non-virgin and vice versa. There are a lot of negetive aspects when you try to apply what works for a virgin to a non-virgin. If anybody has any questions regarding this I will be happy to try and explain.

 

[Buttons*]

Perhaps, but i worked for me. I still think that you shouldn't have sex before marriage, because I believe that sex is a sacred institution only to be used in marriage. I'm not going to say anymore on this topic, because I'm done, this is how I feel about it. I believe the powers of procreation are very special and sacred and God instituted them for this purpose. Y'all can think whatever you want, that's fine with me, whatever makes you happy.

I'm really glad everything workd out for you.
Me being a virgin, i still have lots of time to decide on all of this... but testing the waters just seems more practical to me. Sex is all a personal issue. For some, marriage is jsut a slip of paper, to others, its a ceremony that will bind two souls together for eternity.
*shrugs* i dont know...

 

[michel]

Perhaps, but i worked for me. I still think that you shouldn't have sex before marriage, because I believe that sex is a sacred institution only to be used in marriage. I'm not going to say anymore on this topic, because I'm done, this is how I feel about it. I believe the powers of procreation are very special and sacred and God instituted them for this purpose. Y'all can think whatever you want, that's fine with me, whatever makes you happy.

I admire you for your beliefs, maybe I am weak? My wife and I had sex before marriage, once we were engaged....it just seemed natural, as far as we were concerned, our comitment was in the eyes of God.

 

[Bishka]

I admire you for your beliefs, maybe I am weak? My wife and I had sex before marriage, once we were engaged....it just seemed natural, as far as we were concerned, our comitment was in the eyes of God.

that's good michel. We all believe differently.