The Sum of Awe's search for love and confidence

[Truthseeker]

Yes, it is something I would like to bring into my life more. I also need to remind myself that it's okay to stick to my roots once in a while and embrace my introverted side.

I am making some progress myself. The other day in a Zoom meeting I asked a woman what she did for a living. She told me works in assisted living. That's a good thing to know about her. I approve. By the way, this has nothing to do with trying to strike up a romantic relationship. I've been married for 40 years. Just socializing. I do spend a lot of time by myself enjoying my own company. There needs to be a balance.

 

[The Sum of Awe]

My question for you all is: How much do you think before you speak and act? - How do you trust your intuition? (this word I learned recently from another user has been sticking )

I've recently apologized to my crush over facebook, I explained that I didn't mean to bother her by asking her out and that I did like her as a friend. I said that she didn't have to forgive me or even respond to this message, but she did. And we talked a little today, she struck up a little conversation with me in fact. but I'm still awkwarded out, I'm afraid of pushing too far again, I don't want to get "too comfortable" or "too talky" after we were just avoiding each other for almost a month and then just the other day I apologized. I wasn't completely avoidant, I responded when she talked, but I resisted eye contact a lot and I didn't really start conversations with her - I did talk work-talk though when needed.

I think this is normal and it will get better? I feel like I need to let her start the conversations with me for a while until I'm certain she's comfortable around me (even though she said she is doesn't mean she wants to automatically reconnect like old friends - i think)

I really like her as a friend too and I'm afraid of ruining this. I won't get crushy anymore, I know better than that, but I fear of ruining our friendship by being too avoidant? I don't see that happening either though, it's not like I'm ignoring her.

I guess I have to trust my intuition and hope she understands.

 

[Vinayaka]

My question for you all is: How much do you think before you speak and act? - How do you trust your intuition? (this word I learned recently from another user has been sticking )

I've recently apologized to my crush over facebook, I explained that I didn't mean to bother her by asking her out and that I did like her as a friend. I said that she didn't have to forgive me or even respond to this message, but she did. And we talked a little today, she struck up a little conversation with me in fact. but I'm still awkwarded out, I'm afraid of pushing too far again, I don't want to get "too comfortable" or "too talky" after we were just avoiding each other for almost a month and then just the other day I apologized. I wasn't completely avoidant, I responded when she talked, but I resisted eye contact a lot and I didn't really start conversations with her - I did talk work-talk though when needed.

I think this is normal and it will get better? I feel like I need to let her start the conversations with me for a while until I'm certain she's comfortable around me (even though she said she is doesn't mean she wants to automatically reconnect like old friends - i think)

I really like her as a friend too and I'm afraid of ruining this. I won't get crushy anymore, I know better than that, but I fear of ruining our friendship by being too avoidant? I don't see that happening either though, it's not like I'm ignoring her.

I guess I have to trust my intuition and hope she understands.

In my view, intuitions vary. There are some folks who are truly intuitive, whereas there are others looking for as many excuses as they can to do something, and use the word 'intuition' to convince themselves or others to do something. So one key is to determine if it's really intuition or not. The sneaky subconscious mind, with all its own little deceptive trickery can get you to believe something is intuition, when it's really just desire.
Best wishes.

 

[The Sum of Awe]

In my view, intuitions vary. There are some folks who are truly intuitive, whereas there are others looking for as many excuses as they can to do something, and use the word 'intuition' to convince themselves or others to do something. So one key is to determine if it's really intuition or not. The sneaky subconscious mind, with all its own little deceptive trickery can get you to believe something is intuition, when it's really just desire.
Best wishes.

I'd like to give an example:

As I was walking out of the door leaving work she was not far behind me. I actually saw her approaching right before I let go of the door. My mind then says: "Should I hold the door open for her or let go? Holding open the door could look like I'm still infatuated with her (which admittedly I am but I'm trying to keep it contained) but leaving the door might look like I'm rude (even though it would've taken her a minute to punch out). I decided to let go of the door. And then afterwards I realized I could've just said "Goodbye" and in fact it was probably rude that I didn't.

And I know that all sounds silly and I'm overthinking, but really this kind of stuff happens so frequently and makes me second guess myself.

 

[Vinayaka]

I'd like to give an example:

As I was walking out of the door leaving work she was not far behind me. I actually saw her approaching right before I let go of the door. My mind then says: "Should I hold the door open for her or let go? Holding open the door could look like I'm still infatuated with her (which admittedly I am but I'm trying to keep it contained) but leaving the door might look like I'm rude (even though it would've taken her a minute to punch out). I decided to let go of the door. And then afterwards I realized I could've just said "Goodbye" and in fact it was probably rude that I didn't.

And I know that all sounds silly and I'm overthinking, but really this kind of stuff happens so frequently and makes me second guess myself.

You remind me of me 50 years ago. I was forever second guessing my own behavior around girls, and i think a lot of men do. Lucky for me, one of those mysterious creatures hunted me down.

 

[The Sum of Awe]

You remind me of me 50 years ago. I was forever second guessing my own behavior around girls, and i think a lot of men do. Lucky for me, one of those mysterious creatures hunted me down.

I do appreciate your kind advice and relatable story Vinayaka. Thank you

So do you think I did not come off as rude then? It's probably me overthinking it? I do my best to be approachable and funny and kind in person, but I always think my occasional shyness or awkwardness could look rude.

 

[Vinayaka]

I do appreciate your kind advice and relatable story Vinayaka. Thank you

So do you think I did not come off as rude then? It's probably me overthinking it? I do my best to be approachable and funny and kind in person, but I always think my occasional shyness or awkwardness could look rude.

I don't think it matters at all, actually. You had a quick decision to make and you made it. I seriously doubt that she figures it was rude, or that if you had held the door, you were being too aggressive. She's probably already forgotten all about it, as it wasn't a strong enough experience to leave any impression, or be cognised. You can make a joke of such stuff too. (I still hold doors open for anyone and everyone.) BTW, shyness is an attractive quality to a lot of women.

 

[The Sum of Awe]

So i come to find out I have work bullies. There's at least one person repeatedly mocking 'Cry baby! Cry baby!' aloud whenever I'm around. i admit I've been emotionally expressive to my crush at work and I don't think my apology was pathetic at all. However that must be how they see it. I also think my 'crush' is in on it too. I lost a lot of respect for this girl knowing that she is taking part in that mocking. What kind of person 1) Judges someone without knowing the full scope of what's going on and 2) Makes fun of someone for expressing their emotions?

I will confront these people if I hear it again. I never really got assertive in my life ever before so I hope it goes well, I guess I'll just tell them what I said here: "Why would you judge someone without knowing the full scope of what's going on? And what kind of person makes fun of someone for crying?" - I'll try to refrain from calling them a sociopath, although it's fitting (and I'm talking about the one who is blatantly doing this to mock me)

----

In other news, I am still practicing being confident in 'being myself' I feel like I'm getting closer to understand what it means to really be myself. Maybe I'm just imagining it though, I always feel like I'm "so close" to figuring this out but then something happens that makes me second guess myself.

I'm not very well received by most people I get to know, and I just can't figure out why. I'm telling myself now to "stop thinking about HOW to act and instead just trust what you feel like doing in the moment" - I feel like I stumble across this conclusion over and over again but it always slips. I hope it sticks this time.

 

[The Sum of Awe]

I am still pretty bad at this. It just feels awkward to approach a cashier with a question like "So how long have you worked here" or "What's your name" I've just never seen it done before, people are always straight to business with these sort of things so it feels strange to get personal.

And I do have friends, although we don't see each other much because we all have our own lives. I have had conversations with a few people on Instagram now and I don't think I'm doing anything wrong; asking them questions, answering theirs with open-endedness and enthusiasm. Not overly long paragraphs but just enough substance for a continued conversation, and then those have all failed.

Tinder the girls just ghost me before I even get my foot in the door. I ask them a question about something on their profile, something to start a conversation. I've even considered trying just a "Hello how are you" a few times and that doesn't work.

I just don't understand what I'm doing wrong when it comes to online conversation. As for in person conversation, I have no idea how to start a conversation with a stranger - not to sound like a pig but honestly my only intention would be dating (open to friends though), because like I said I have friends. I'm not a flirting type of person either, just don't have that wit and don't want to come off as a person who's only interested in sex, or as a sweet-talker (I like to be real and objective but with true compliments).

Argh! I did run into a pretty sweet cashier who was smiling back at me and did help me decide on a drink, I could've easily started a conversation with her but I didn't know what to say! I mean, instead of doing nothing I could've at least been like "Hey can I get your number" better than nothing???

Man, I'm so bad at this. Not giving up though, just gotta have more patience. Just venting my frustrations.

 

[The Sum of Awe]

One thing I notice is: When I walk around a store with a smile on my face (not a creepy smile, just slight), some are reciprocative and others are not so much. Maybe I can use this as a "friendly-detector" and decide to strike a conversation with a person reciprocative of this and avoid the ones who are not. Or maybe I'm overthinking things.

 

[Quagmire]

One thing I notice is: When I walk around a store with a smile on my face (not a creepy smile, just slight), some are reciprocative and others are not so much. Maybe I can use this as a "friendly-detector" and decide to strike a conversation with a person reciprocative of this and avoid the ones who are not. Or maybe I'm overthinking things.

I think that's a pretty good strategy Sum.

I've tried that myself and I've had good results.

 

[The Sum of Awe]

The other day I went out to a mall and walked around, somewhat shopping, somewhat enjoying just being out of the house in new scenery, but mostly looking for a cute girl to chat with...

I had missed three opportunities because of my anxiety. Did I feel bad about it? Yeah

But am I alright today? yeah, i'm drinking a coffee, chilling at home, doing my hobby

Will i go back to a mall again to try that again? absolutely. Maybe next time I'll do it right

And even then, even if I get three new opportunities and take them, they could all still reject me. What then? - I'll return another day

 

[Revoltingest]

Try volunteering somewhere ( a hospital, the library etc). It's a more natural way to meet people.

Or try being a patient.
That's a good way to meet nurses.

 

[Truthseeker]

Or try being a patient.
That's a good way to meet nurses.

You do realize that these days nurses are more often males.

 

[Revoltingest]

You do realize that these days nurses are more often males.

I know there are some, but they're few
in hospitals & other settings I've seen.
The stigma against men on that job is
still common. Just recently in the news
I saw that it was still standard practice to
precede "nurse" with "male" when it is so.

But still...who is to say that our friend wouldn't
enjoy the company of a non-female nurse, eh.

 

[The Sum of Awe]

Man I’m pretty down. Most people hate me in real life because I’m so shy and don’t talk much, I can hardly bring myself to greet people anymore because it feels awkward. I feel like the two people that do talk to me don’t trust me (because of my quietness and past crush) I just don’t know. I really feel like giving up and just becoming completely reserved again.

a man just sat beside me but I refrained from saying hi because he didn’t reciprocate my eye contact. This is how it always is I’m heavily reliant on others to talk to me first

 

[JustGeorge]

Man I’m pretty down. Most people hate me in real life because I’m so shy and don’t talk much, I can hardly bring myself to greet people anymore because it feels awkward. I feel like the two people that do talk to me don’t trust me (because of my quietness and past crush) I just don’t know. I really feel like giving up and just becoming completely reserved again.

a man just sat beside me but I refrained from saying hi because he didn’t reciprocate my eye contact. This is how it always is I’m heavily reliant on others to talk to me first

Sorry to hear you're so down...

When I couldn't speak, I tried to smile a lot, because that was an easier way to show well wishes. That was a long time ago, though, and I'm not sure how things work now, or if it would be perceived the same from a man as it is with a woman. (It shouldn't matter, but it seems to be subconscious for many.)

 

[Vinayaka]

Man I’m pretty down. Most people hate me in real life because I’m so shy and don’t talk much, I can hardly bring myself to greet people anymore because it feels awkward. I feel like the two people that do talk to me don’t trust me (because of my quietness and past crush) I just don’t know. I really feel like giving up and just becoming completely reserved again.

a man just sat beside me but I refrained from saying hi because he didn’t reciprocate my eye contact. This is how it always is I’m heavily reliant on others to talk to me first

Now I'm curious. Your Tuesday post was far more optimistic and determined than today's. Is this shyness an up and down thing, or is it continuous? Seems to me right now you've succumbed to the flawed thinking that the temporal is permanent. Course I could be wrong.

Sometimes saying 'Hi' does get no response. But sometimes it doesn't. To have expectations one way or the other continuously isn't logical. Best wishes.

 

[Bird123]

I figured I'd just finally make a journal about it since I post about this a lot. It's the biggest thing going on in my life right now, aside from writing my novel, and it's a challenge. I welcome advice, criticism, words of encouragement, all that...

So lately I've been going out in public once or twice a week, visiting a wide variety of places - the mall, coffee shops, book stores, the library. I'm just starting this city-exploring thing, maybe my third week doing it. Just kinda have an idea of: if I see someone I want to approach (someone that's reading something appealing, wearing a shirt that's appealing to me, or a girl that I want to approach) then I will approach them try to start a conversation (hasn't really happened yet and I don't know how good I'll be at initiating a conversation when the time comes)

I went to a Starbucks today and saw a girl sitting by herself doing what I assume was schoolwork on her laptop (it's a college town) and I kinda just sat behind her and hoped she'd approach me (yeah, in my dreams lol). Then I got the idea to get up and try to approach her, but instead I just stretched and walked straight out the door lol (In my head I was worried that "oh she's typing something out on her laptop, I don't want to bother her). Went to my car, then I was like "Well it wouldn't have hurt to ask if I could get her another coffee, worse she would've said was 'no' and I'd never see her again" -- Then I was thinking "Well, in that case why don't I just go back in there right now and ask her that? It'd be extremely weird for me to have walked outside, sat in my car for a few minutes, and then go back in the Starbucks and ask her that - but the worst she'd say is 'no' right?" -- Well, ten minutes went by of contemplating and then I decided to drive off. Yeah it'd probably have been weird to go back in there. If it had only been less than five minutes I might've went back in and asked, but I figured 10 minutes was going to come off as very creepy/weird.

Ah well, who says I won't run into a similar scenario and I can look back at this experience and say "Just do it!"

I'll see what happens next time!

EDIT: I just wanted to say that I am also enjoying myself for the most part in these settings, it was nice to have a coffee there and play on my phone regardless, just getting out of the house.

Excuses, excuses. A person can think of a million excuses not to do something.

The worlds greatest salesman took me door to door selling. After an hour or two, I heard no so many times I was ready to quit and go home. The worlds greatest salesman just laughed at me. He said it's just a matter of numbers. You ask enough people someone is going to buy. You count the wins not the losses. This turned out to be true. By the end of the day, we had a good selling day even though I heard no more times than I could count.

Did you even try? Ignore your what ifs. Like you said: Just do it.

There was a guy who was promoted. He was so nervous public speaking that people had a hard time understanding him. In time, he became a great public speaker. Sure he went to some public speaking classes but what really changed things was the fact that the more you do something: the better you get and the less nervous you are. Now, I see him public speaking at every chance he can get.

Are you getting enough practice? Go out and strike up a conversation with everyone you bump into. After a few days, it will seem natural to do it.

Ask for help. Excuse me, do you know where such and such place is? Do you think I need an umbrella? Where can one find a good hamburger? Thanks, come on go with me. I'll buy you one for helping. Would these clothes I'm wearing impress when I'm asking for a date?

Sometimes, it's as easy as a Smile and Hi. People meant for each other feel for each other sometimes immediately. Chemistry gets everyone's attention.

Be a helpful person. See someone needing help, offer help unconditionally. The more people you have connections with; the more friends of people you can meet.

You are a Wonderful Work of Art!! There is no one in the universe exactly like you nor will there ever be. That makes you Special and made to have connections with others.

True Love exists for us all. On the other hand, sometimes True Love doesn't show up until later in life. Always be ready and open for True Love tends to show up when one least expects it.

When going up to meet others, think how much you can learn and teach each other. Just like the worlds greatest salesman, never count the losses. Learn from the experiences and the wins are going to show up. It's all a matter of numbers.

That's what I see. It's very clear!!

 

[Trailblazer]

Excuses, excuses. A person can think of a million excuses not to do something.

Yet we do not need any excuses not to do something we don't choose to do when it comes to socializing.