When you think about the terms you used for example, their honor, them being made a mockery of, isn't the value of these things only related to what we attribute to them?
In other words, if the person who broke the promise, does not see their partner affected at all in these terms, and the person he slept with doesn't even know that their is a partner, in what frame is their honor for example affected?
A few points:
-The value of things like honor do indeed differ a bit by culture, but some of them are near-universal. Few cultures value dishonesty in most cases, for example.
-Of particular importance here is the opinion of the one being cheated on. Do they value honor? Do they value honesty? If so, cheating on them goes against their wishes and reduces their honor objectively (rather than subjectively, since they don't know). If they don't value those things, then lying or hiding the secret isn't even necessary- so if it's hidden, it must be because they would care very much.
-It affects the honor of the cheater as well. They're defining and expressing their self as a dishonest person based on their actions, and forevermore they view their spouse as someone who is blissfully ignorant of the truth, which isn't very flattering. They're saying that they're the type of person that is willing to make promises, but as soon as they realize that they can get away with it, are willing to break them.
Consider a related example. My hypothetical grandfather, on his deathbed, tells me he'd like to be cremated put into sea, like his late wife was. "Sure thing, gramps", I say. And then when he dies, I just throw his body into the woods or something, and think, "well, he's not around to care anymore". An example like this shows:
-Apparently I don't respect my grandfather's wishes very much, and apparently don't have a lot of respect for him. The same can be said for a partner I'd be willing to cheat on.
-I'm defining and expressing myself as someone who doesn't care about the wishes of others, and who is willing to be dishonest.
The person who broke the promise still views their partner in the same way, the partner still view themselves in the same way, all the people around view it in the same way. In what terms has it been affected then?
It has been affected objectively rather than subjectively.
Suppose you could choose to live one of two lives:
a) In this life, you live blissful and subjectively happy. You raise kids, have a wife, etc. But unknown to you, your wife cheats on you and lies to you. And your kids have serious drug problems and are miserable, but never tell you. And your job is actually harmful rather than helpful to your society, even though you think otherwise. So you're a happy guy, but objectively, from any hypothetical person looking from the outside, your life isn't a desirable one. You die happily, not realizing how fruitless your life was, how miserable your kids are, and how your wife cheated on you and didn't consider your wishes important enough to uphold as soon as she concluded that you wouldn't find out.
b) In this life, you encounter some hardship, but you have honest and good relationships, raise good kids, and you work at a job that does some real good for your society. You're not always subjectively happy, but sometimes you are, and overall, you lead a fairly content life and all the things you think are good, truly are good.
Which would you choose?
At the same time, i think people have a right to know the truth regardless, i can't explain why though. Because unlike the example Kathryn used much earlier, about a tree falling in the woods, i fail to see the value of these things if we don't attach them to people. In the tree's case it did fall, and it did make a sound. In this case, aren't those things only happening if it is recognized by someone?
They're happening regardless of whether they are recognized by someone. And, remember, they're recognized by the one who did the cheating too.
I'd like to use this to add something. I don't view every action in terms of right and wrong only. Somethings are neither. In some situations, i believe its best to do something for example, but that doesn't mean you'd be wrong if you didn't.
When i apply that to this issue its like this. Cheating is always wrong. Not following through with the promise (either because it no longer applies or because the grounds change) and sleeping with someone else without telling your partner isn't always wrong. Most of the time it is though, but in some situations its justified. Few extreme situations. In some of those situations, it might be best to still not do that, but if you did that doesn't necessarily mean that you're wrong (or right).
I can't think of very many extreme situations where cheating on a partner and not telling them would be the most optimal solution to a problem.
