Id love to hear about your beliefs
Well, I really tried to be Christian as a teenager. I was interested in religion and was quite active in my local Lutheran church. It's a bit of a family tradition - both my grandfather and my aunt aren't just pastors, but doctors of theology. However, the more I learned and studied, the worse it became.
I stumbled over the rampant patriarchy, the problem of evil, and finally the entire concept of sin and salvation. It didn't make sense to me. Why would an omnipotent and loving deity create such an imperfect world? And if salvation is the final goal, why concoct such a convoluted scheme to get there, with so much suffering on the way?
I checked out a few other denominations... Evangelicals, Catholics and an ecumenical monastic community. But that didn't help with the very basic questions I had.
I would probably have stayed a Christian, if at least I'd had some kind of emotional or spiritual connection. But, same as you said: God remained silent.
...
In the end, things worked out for me in a very unexpected way. After a vacation in Egypt, I was so fascinated by the ancient culture that I started studying Egyptology at university. I couldn't say what exactly gripped me so much, but I couldn't help it. I learned Middle Egyptian, and in the texts of this ancient language I found spiritual concepts that finally made sense. I found a theology, a worldview, that resonated with my deepest heart and soul and made sense to my rational mind at the same time. These gods and goddesses were not silent - they were present in the world around me, and had a lot to say.
It might sound weird, because on the surface, Egyptian theology is quite messy. But that's also what helps. The ancient texts are not seen as dogma or divine ordinance. They're written by humans and they offer different metaphors and explanations of spiritual matters. And you can engage with those texts and concepts, and re-interprete them, and find your own metaphors.
Patriarchy? - well, gender is a flexible concept and there are plenty of different stories. Just pick the ones you like, and don't be afraid to challenge any injustice you find.
Problem of evil? Actually, if gods and goddesses are neither thought to be all powerful nor all good, the whole conundrum puffs into nothingness.
Sin and salvation? Well, Egyptian ethics give free will and responsibility for their actions to each individual, but they also don't expect perfection and give you plenty of chances to get help.
Do not make an image or likeness of God? The Egyptians would see that as folly. Make as many images of the gods as you can - none of them is true, but each might capture a certain spark or aspect of the divine.
I also found that the Egyptian view of the world is deeply animistic. Personhood is not at all limited to humans. Animals, for example, are seen as beings in their own way, with their own ways of life, and rights, and connection to divinity. Places and plants, the entire cosmos is inherently sacred.
So that's how I left the Lutheran church (though I still like to visit sometimes) and became an Egyptian pagan and polytheist 20 years ago.
It's probably not something that fits a lot of people, but perhaps you may want to keep your eyes open end explore other spiritual systems beyond christianity and monotheism.