You just didn't get very far, that's all. In fact, if you had been holding onto the idea of 'seeing cosmos or reaching epiphany' as an expectation, then you were wasting your time on your mat. If you really want to meditate, just sit. Don't do anything else.
You are right, I didn't go far enough.
But at that time, I was 18, and searching for answers...any answer, no matter how strange it was.
The previous year when I decided to join sister's church, I had changed my mind at the very last moment, while I right in front of water for my baptism. I changed my mind, because I came to realisation that I would be joining this church because of my sister's faith, instead of my own.
I was semi-independent when I started university, trying different things, trying to find my own places, and one of them I was trying out were Buddhism and meditation.
Now you need to understand my situation, during primary and high schools, my sisters and I were the only Chinese there. So most of people I was surrounded by, were either of Anglo-Saxon background or Greeks or Italians. So religious-wise, I was only exposed to Catholic, Protestant, Orthodox and my parents mixture of Chinese folk cult (ancestor worship) and Taoism. I had never met any others who following religions, like Islam, Judaism, Hinduism or Buddhism until I had started university.
Did you know that have never met an Indian person, until uni? I mean I hear about them, seen pictures of them, but never met any until I started my civil engineering course.
Because university was a different environment, so it was possible to experiment and try other stuffs that I couldn't do earlier, in high school.
But you are right, I didn't try harder enough, but when you are uni student, there were a lot of pressures, so I wanted results. When I wasn't successful, I would just move on, seeking something else.
I did remember a couple of the guys were trying to teach and help me to meditate. I know that Ben is laughing at me, but they were trying to get me to relax, and one of the processes of relaxing, is focusing on my breathing.
Were you patience and disciplined at that age? Well, I don't know of your background.
I'd suppose I wasn't, so I couldn't.