Adultery and monogamy

[an anarchist]

cichlids(a type of fish) will pick a mate, stay with the mate, and tend to die shortly after the mate does.

Oh my that’s so tragic and cute at the same time ;-;

 

[an anarchist]

its hard to remove cultural influence from a person.

The continual removal of the cultural influence that has affected me is a very jarring experience. 10/10 don’t recommend

 

[JustGeorge]

Allow me to elaborate by presenting a scenario.

A wife loves her husband more than anything and anyone. The wife cheats on the husband.

See how it is nuanced? The wife cheating does not mean that the love is not true.

Well, depends. If the relationship was open, or she had his consent... go for it!

If it was behind his back, I wouldn't outright condemn her, I'd ask "what happened?" To be dishonest about it may not be a loving thing(I say may not, because I don't know the whole story).

 

[JustGeorge]

Oh my that’s so tragic and cute at the same time ;-;

I agree. Though, when I kept cichlids, I'd always be bummed when one was dead because I knew a second would follow.

The continual removal of the cultural influence that has affected me is a very jarring experience. 10/10 don’t recommend

I've worked hard to free myself of it, but I've been doing it since I was a kid. I recommend it.

 

[an anarchist]

If it was behind his back, I wouldn't outright condemn her, I'd ask "what happened?" To be dishonest about it may not be a loving thing(I say may not, because I don't know the whole story).

Dishonesty is not the best policy, this is true.

Asking “what happened” I believe is right. If the cheater actually loves her partner but sneaks around anyways, there is something missing in the relationship. The focus should be on addressing the issues and discovering them. The default angry action and straight to divorce is tragic I believe.

 

[JustGeorge]

Dishonesty is not the best policy, this is true.

Asking “what happened” I believe is right. If the cheater actually loves her partner but sneaks around anyways, there is something missing in the relationship. The focus should be on addressing the issues and discovering them. The default angry action and straight to divorce is tragic I believe.

I do think people jump to divorce too quickly.

 

[an anarchist]

If it was behind his back, I wouldn't outright condemn her, I'd ask "what happened?" To be dishonest about it may not be a loving thing

In some twisted way, in some warped perception, lying is the loving action. If the cheater knows that knowledge of the infidelity will emotionally wreck their partner and ruin the relationship, and the cheater really loves their partner but cannot help themselves cheating, it is no wonder they act irresponsibly, “selfishly”, and perhaps irrationally by hiding their infidelity. They are worried of losing the person they love.

 

[ChristineM]

Adultery is fine.

Monogamy shouldn’t be the norm.

Both are wrong, honesty is the thing, in that anything agreed is OK

 

[an anarchist]

Both are wrong, honesty is the thing, in that anything agreed is OK

I suppose my argument should be we should cut the adulterers some slack and try to understand why they are acting the way they are. I don’t think we should equate them to murderers or even bad people. They are struggling rather and some may have undiagnosed mental conditions, as such was the case with my wife.

 

[JustGeorge]

In some twisted way, in some warped perception, lying is the loving action. If the cheater knows that knowledge of the infidelity will emotionally wreck their partner and ruin the relationship, and the cheater really loves their partner but cannot help themselves cheating, it is no wonder they act irresponsibly, “selfishly”, and perhaps irrationally by hiding their infidelity. They are worried of losing the person they love.

I think the best thing in that scenario is that the couple works this out for themselves somehow.

I don't think its possible to have a pain free relationship. There will be a bump in the road somewhere.

If the person can't stop cheating, and the partner can't handle knowing, perhaps the most loving thing to do is end the relationship and let both parties find mates they're better suited for.

 

[JustGeorge]

I suppose my argument should be we should cut the adulterers some slack and try to understand why they are acting the way they are. I don’t think we should equate them to murderers or even bad people. They are struggling rather and some may have undiagnosed mental conditions, as such was the case with my wife.

I agree, we shouldn't judge. It isn't our place, and it does little good.

 

[an anarchist]

If the person can't stop cheating, and the partner can't handle knowing, perhaps the most loving thing to do is end the relationship and let both parties find mates they're better suited for.

I also completely agree. I believe that through honest and acceptance, a couple can peacefully end a monogamous arrangement. However, it usually gets really really messy instead when the break up happens after the secrets are spilled. I believe this messiness is an unnecessary result of the demonization of adulterers. Because of the absolute negative connotation of cheating, people tend to hide it and things get messy.

 

[JustGeorge]

I also completely agree. I believe that through honest and acceptance, a couple can peacefully end a monogamous arrangement. However, it usually gets really really messy instead when the break up happens after the secrets are spilled. I believe this messiness is an unnecessary result of the demonization of adulterers. Because of the absolute negative connotation of cheating, people tend to hide it and things get messy.

I think it depends on the couple.

 

[Stevicus]

I have come to understand that there is a lot of nuance to infidelity.

People being hurt or offended by infidelity is a result of societal norms. The cheater is literally doing nothing to the “victim”.

What is the cheater doing that hurts the other person? Literally nothing. It is the other persons own attitudes that causes them pain.

I suppose it depends on whether or not one makes a promise to be faithful. If we make a vow or a solemn promise to do something, then failure to carry that out has the effect of undermining the social contract that holds society together. If it happens enough times, there's a gradual erosion of trust and confidence in society overall.

Of course, if they agree to an open relationship or something where there's no lying or intent to deceive/defraud anyone, then that's a different matter.

 

[ChristineM]

I suppose my argument should be we should cut the adulterers some slack and try to understand why they are acting the way they are. I don’t think we should equate them to murderers or even bad people. They are struggling rather and some may have undiagnosed mental conditions, as such was the case with my wife.

I simply see adultery (without the other partners knowing) as cheating, lying and i hate liers. If honest then there would be no jealousy, a 3rd (or more) partner wouldn't be classed as cheating, and no lying is needed.

Tell me, had your ex been honest and told you her problems would you have acted in the same way?

 

[Koldo]

When my now exwife “cheated” on me, I took it real personally. Therapist told me that it was a “me problem” and to simply get over it because the wifey actually and literally did nothing to me. She was missing an emotional need and was trying to fill it. And I’m mad? How unthoughtful and selfish.

I think I know that therapist. Please confirm if the following photo matches.

Spoiler

 

[an anarchist]

Tell me, had your ex been honest and told you her problems would you have acted in the same way?

I definitely would have never married her. I don’t entirely understand your question, but in my case, me and the wife were both young fresh out of high school. We both didnt have our emotions or actions under control. So, I don’t hold anything against her and vice versa.

 

[an anarchist]

I think I know that therapist. Please confirm if the following photo matches.

Spoiler

He was a bit nutty. Since I’ve been in the mental health system, I’ve become painfully aware that the mental health people are people.

 

[Koldo]

He was a bit nutty. Since I’ve been in the mental health system, I’ve become painfully aware that the mental health people are people.

A bit? Just like that therapist of yours? What kind of therapist would be saying that sort of thing to someone dealing with infidelity, even if they thought about it that way?

 

[an anarchist]

A bit? Just like that therapist of yours? What kind of therapist would be saying that sort of thing to someone dealing with infidelity, even if they thought about it that way?

I completely agree with my therapist. And his therapy was greatly beneficial to my mental health. So to answer your question, a great therapist would tell you what my therapist told me.