Adultery and monogamy

[JustGeorge]

A bit? Just like that therapist of yours? What kind of therapist would be saying that sort of thing to someone dealing with infidelity, even if they thought about it that way?

I completely agree with my therapist. And his therapy was greatly beneficial to my mental health. So to answer your question, a great therapist would tell you what my therapist told me.

I think its worth noting, choosing a therapist you can have a great relationship with is important, too!

One who might be terrible for one is great for another.

 

[PureX]

Adultery is fine.

Monogamy shouldn’t be the norm.

That’s my stance.

I don’t adulterize because I love my boyfriend. I am monogamous because my boyfriend has the socially acceptable view that monogamy is the correct way. I love him enough to where I settle into a monogamous and faithful relationship.

But it doesn’t mean I don’t hold the stances I stated above.

When my now exwife “cheated” on me, I took it real personally. Therapist told me that it was a “me problem” and to simply get over it because the wifey actually and literally did nothing to me. She was missing an emotional need and was trying to fill it. And I’m mad? How unthoughtful and selfish.

Next girlfriend “cheated” on me. I didn’t get mad when she came to me crying about it. I just asked “Oh, why? Is there something wrong in our relationship?”

Oh, and monogamy I believe is a religious construct. Absent of religion, monogamy can be reduced to possessiveness. You are claiming to own someone exclusively when you are monogamous. My first wife tried this logic with me but I was raised Christian so I wasn’t having it because marriage a picture of God’s relationship with us supposedly.

I have matured and have hindsight now.

Adultery is fine.

Monogamy is selfish and possessive.

debate me normies

I don't disagree that there is nothing wrong with 'adultery', nor with monogamy. People are different, and will have different ways of viewing these things.

However, I think and feel that a LOT of people are very confused about this issue. They have not honestly worked out how they feel about respecting another human beings feelings, and honoring a relationship with them. So they tend to make ill-considered decisions and choices that can be devastating to others, and to themselves. So I think we all need to be very honest, open, and attentive toward those we choose to get romantically involved with. And forgiving when things don't go as we'd expected them to ... of both ourselves and the other person.

 

[an anarchist]

One who might be terrible for one is great for another.

Therapists are just like medicine and are intended to be used the same way. Medicine sometimes takes time to discover which one works and which one doesn’t.

 

[Koldo]

People being hurt or offended by infidelity is a result of societal norms. The cheater is literally doing nothing to the “victim”.

It is breaking the other person's trust in them. It is absolutely essential in any relationship to be able to trust the other person when it comes down to important matters.

 

[Koldo]

I think its worth noting, choosing a therapist you can have a great relationship with is important, too!

One who might be terrible for one is great for another.

And then there are those that are terrible for everyone... like the one mentioned in the OP.

 

[an anarchist]

And then there are those that are terrible for everyone... like the one mentioned in the OP.

I already told you his therapy was nothing but beneficial. So who are you to decide that my therapist is terrible for everyone? Are you calling me a liar?

 

[JustGeorge]

And then there are those that are terrible for everyone... like the one mentioned in the OP.

He says this therapist did a lot of good for him. So, I disagree that the therapist is terrible.

Maybe for you or me, but there's someone who was served well.

 

[Koldo]

I completely agree with my therapist. And his therapy was greatly beneficial to my mental health. So to answer your question, a great therapist would tell you what my therapist told me.

You don't even notice the harm he has done. That's how terrible he is.

 

[JustGeorge]

You don't even notice the harm he has done. That's how terrible he is.

He walked away feeling better about himself, and moved forward. He no longer harbors resentments.

Is it better that he simmer and stew in anger, just because that's the 'normal' thing to do?

 

[an anarchist]

You don't even notice the harm he has done. That's how terrible he is.

What harm? Can you elaborate on your baseless accusation?

He did the opposite of harm. I am much happier and at peace now.

 

[Evangelicalhumanist]

My view is that whatever people want to do is whatever they want to do. As long as it doesn't hurt anyone or otherwise violate other people's rights (and as long as there's no deception or fraud), then it doesn't bother me if people choose monogamy, polygamy, Bacchanalian rituals - or whatever they might want to do. Likewise for people who choose to remain single. That also seems to take some flak like the "childless cat ladies" or the "confirmed bachelors." They might feel a certain pressure to conform to something religion or society might want of them.

I've been in a faithful relationship for over 30 years now -- at least faithful on my part, I haven't asked my partner, because I'm not interested. I'm faithful for the most compelling of reasons -- I want to be, and don't need anything else to make me feel complete.

 

[Koldo]

He says this therapist did a lot of good for him. So, I disagree that the therapist is terrible.

Maybe for you or me, but there's someone who was served well.

And yet, as a consequence of that "treatment", he now sees absolutely nothing wrong with cheating. This creates at least two issues:

1) It harms his relationships because he feels free to cheat.

2) It harms himself because now if he gets cheated on, he will internalize that any negative experiences are due to his own selfishness. In other words, he is the one to blame if he experiences anything negative from being cheated on.

 

[Koldo]

What harm? Can you elaborate on your baseless accusation?

He did the opposite of harm. I am much happier and at peace now.

Just did on post #52.

 

[Eddi]

Adultery is fine.

Monogamy shouldn’t be the norm.

That’s my stance.

I don’t adulterize because I love my boyfriend. I am monogamous because my boyfriend has the socially acceptable view that monogamy is the correct way. I love him enough to where I settle into a monogamous and faithful relationship.

But it doesn’t mean I don’t hold the stances I stated above.

When my now exwife “cheated” on me, I took it real personally. Therapist told me that it was a “me problem” and to simply get over it because the wifey actually and literally did nothing to me. She was missing an emotional need and was trying to fill it. And I’m mad? How unthoughtful and selfish.

Next girlfriend “cheated” on me. I didn’t get mad when she came to me crying about it. I just asked “Oh, why? Is there something wrong in our relationship?”

Oh, and monogamy I believe is a religious construct. Absent of religion, monogamy can be reduced to possessiveness. You are claiming to own someone exclusively when you are monogamous. My first wife tried this logic with me but I was raised Christian so I wasn’t having it because marriage a picture of God’s relationship with us supposedly.

I have matured and have hindsight now.

Adultery is fine.

Monogamy is selfish and possessive.

debate me normies

Do you consider yourself polyamorous?

I have a friend who does

 

[JustGeorge]

And yet, as a consequence of that "treatment", he now sees absolutely nothing wrong with cheating. This creates at least two issues:

1) It harms his relationships because he feels free to cheat.

He doesn't. He says he is loyal to his boyfriend.

His objection is the social stigma it carries(for example, it being compared to murder).

2) It harms himself because now if he gets cheated on, he will internalize that any negative experiences are due to his own selfishness. In other words, he is the one to blame if he experiences anything negative from being cheated on.

I think he's saying(correct me if I'm wrong, @an anarchist ) that it would no longer devastate or destroy him. That seems good. We oughta not let relationships devastate and destroy us(easier said than done).

 

[an anarchist]

Do you consider yourself polyamorous?

I have a friend who does

If my relationship were to ever go kaput, I would not strap myself in another monogamous relationship. Perhaps I’m polyamorous. But I think it’s more I wouldn’t commit to any relationship.

 

[VoidCat]

Here's the issue with adultery...

Often people resort to it when needs arent met. And some people feel less then if they can't meet their partners needs but someone else can. The betrayal to the them is twofold- their partner wasnt getting their needs met and didn't tell them and the emotional aspect of not feeling good enough to meet their partners needs.

When cheating happens it hits hard. But not just because of jealousy. It's not the fact their partner had sex with another person most the time. It's the emotional bond. Sex and romance to many people is a special type of bond it goes deep into the soul. Not always but to many people it's like that. To know that your partner felt that bond with another person and loved like that some folk feel it meanstheir partner loves them less. There was a whole nother important person and they didnt know. Someone that couldve been due to new relationship energy their partners whole world. Their partner was unhappy and didnt tell them. That's crushing for some people.


I like polyamoury. But that's not cheating. And for polyamoury to work you have to live with the idea that your partner can love more then one person feel deep bonds with them. There's a lot of communication and emotional work that has to be done. I do think new relationship energy(nre) is also part of the whole issue. Folk in New relationships often get absorbed and think of nothing else. And mongamous people associate this with true love when really it's hormones that feeling often fades. So they think if you truely love someone you think of nothing else. Meaning that loving another=less love for me. But love while it can be very deep it's not as obsessive as that over time. Not when it's healthy. Eventually to be healthy and to think clearly you move past the nre phase. And love is not finite it is not a limited resource.

That said some are wired to only love one person at a time. So there can be misunderstandings there as well.

 

[Estro Felino]

Indeed

It would be nice if you checked out my thread and answered... Understanding bisexuality

 

[Daemon Sophic]

Why tho? You give no elaboration other than pointing to the Ten Commandments, which I find absolutely reinforces the OP.

absent of religion, why is adultery bad? Why is it bad to take care of yourself? Why must your mental health suffer because religion has permeated societal norms?

Wait, out of ALL the the commandments, adultery is the worst?@Daemon Sophic even worse than murder?

I'm agnostic, but I simply used the Christian 10 Commandments as a fairly well known set, that when ranked, most take your response of "WHAT!? Worse than Murder?"

• You shall have no other gods before Me -- No. I'm agnostic. You present yourself with evidence relativistically significant to your claim; along with the down-sides of all of the other gods (which you have clearly acknowledged do exist), and maybe we can talk.
• 
  
• You shall not make idols -- Meh. See above.
• 
  
• You shall not take the name of the LORD your God in vain -- God damn! That sucks. Oops I did it again.
• 
  
• Remember the Sabbath day, to keep it holy -- See 1 & 2 above, so ..... whatever.
• 
  
• Honor your father and your mother -- While I personally do; there are MANY ****ty parents out there, who deserve punishment and pain. Not honor.
• 
  
• You shall not murder -- In defense; of myself, my family and friends, or the innocent. No problem killing. If you want to knit-pick as to whether that's "Murder" or not, I believe goes against the overall thrust of what Christianity is claiming. But I'm sure I could see to "Murder" in the pre-meditated form, if I know that the soon-to-be-dead was pre-meditating harm to me and mine.
• 
  
• You shall not steal -- If it keeps us alive. So be it.
• 
  
• You shall not bear false witness against your neighbor -- Yeah. This one is a bit dishonorable; lying shouldn't be done lightly. BUT it might be necessary in some scenarios.
• 
  
• You shall not covet thy neighbor's wife/belongings/etc... -- Too bloody late. I see stuff that I think would be REAL nice for me. I'm coveting. Coveting and fantasizing about another person is part of human imagination and life; coveting and fantasizing about playing with cool gadgets that another person owns (jet-skis, or a boat, or a sports-car, riches, etc...) is fine and dandy.
• Now, taking action on that covetousness is a whole different story.

• You shall not commit adultery -- Why would you? Really.

If you lust for another, but you've already agreed with your spouse to stay together and monogamous for all the days of your life; why would you break your own word? Your spouse promised the same to you, and has held to it for (insert time-frame here). Yet you are so scheming and self-serving and deluded with self-importance (narcissistic) that you would break that trust (the literal foundation for almost all loving, long-term relationships), just so you can go get some action with another, and toss aside the person who has put their everything into their relationship with you for so long. To do that is the defining epitome of what an untrustworthy piece-of-**** backstabber is. And unlike murder or stealing, there is no situational defense. No need for health, or survival to explain why you just HAD to have a piece of that ***. No.

Heck, you could even break your relationship off with your spouse, just so that you can go chase that other skirt. Pathetic, but acceptable. But sneaking out, and lying to your spouse, the adulterer is the indefensible scum of the Earth.


Now. All that said. No, I've never been cheated upon, nor even had a loved one burned by an adulterer. I've simply reviewed these most holy-of-holy rules in Christianity, and found 9 of the 10 to be worthless, depending upon one's situation. I cannot think of a situation wherein one could try to explain and excuse Adultery.
It's a matter of trust. Broken.


PS - Polyamory on the other hand, is an agreement (made ahead of time), with your spouse to allow for sexual relationships outside of your 1-on-1 connection. I personally am not Kosher with that, but that's just me.

 

[an anarchist]

It's a matter of trust. Broken.

Perhaps I’m just so cold to having trust broken at this point in my life. I expect it ya know? And I willingly forgive it. When I didn’t forgive, I had no one.