Adultery and monogamy

[Pawpatrol]

What is the cheater doing that hurts the other person? Literally nothing. It is the other persons own attitudes that causes them pain.

I think your therapist really messed you up.

 

[JustGeorge]

And when the way you learn to navigate the world is deeply flawed, the therapist has done a disservice to you.

Depends on what world you live in.

I don't think there's a right/wrong way to feel. If she/he helped @an anarchist work through the situation in which he's able to move on with life, I'd say it was a success.

But you do see something wrong in the scenario I presented, right? Whatever it is, the same is applicable to this case. The quality of a treatment can not judged solely by whether the patient is feeling better.

I do agree that it would be inappropriate in that case.

I suspect a different approach would be used in that case. I could be wrong.

However, I know from having a therapist, she worked in very different ways with different people, according to their needs, the situation, and mindset.

 

[Saint Frankenstein]

Adultery is fine.

Monogamy shouldn’t be the norm.

That’s my stance.

I don’t adulterize because I love my boyfriend. I am monogamous because my boyfriend has the socially acceptable view that monogamy is the correct way. I love him enough to where I settle into a monogamous and faithful relationship.

But it doesn’t mean I don’t hold the stances I stated above.

When my now exwife “cheated” on me, I took it real personally. Therapist told me that it was a “me problem” and to simply get over it because the wifey actually and literally did nothing to me. She was missing an emotional need and was trying to fill it. And I’m mad? How unthoughtful and selfish.

Next girlfriend “cheated” on me. I didn’t get mad when she came to me crying about it. I just asked “Oh, why? Is there something wrong in our relationship?”

Oh, and monogamy I believe is a religious construct. Absent of religion, monogamy can be reduced to possessiveness. You are claiming to own someone exclusively when you are monogamous. My first wife tried this logic with me but I was raised Christian so I wasn’t having it because marriage a picture of God’s relationship with us supposedly.

I have matured and have hindsight now.

Adultery is fine.

Monogamy is selfish and possessive.

debate me normies

Okay, so you want chaos and women and children to be treated even worse. Humans are naturally sexually jealous, especially males. Research also shows that monogamous marriages are the best outcome for men, women and children and that we probably wouldn't have democracy without it because it elevates the status of women in societies. I'm not at home right now, though, if you want the links.

 

[Spice]

At what cost?
Imagine the following scenario: A rape victim goes to therapy and there she becomes convinced that what she went through was her own fault. She makes peace with that and feels better. Do you see anything wrong happening in this situation? If so, what and why?

This line of therapy would be more likely applicable to a rape victim stuck on not having been able to protect themselves. "How did I let this happen?" "Why did I wear that outfit?" and so forth. The therapy puts the responsibility on the violator. It doesn't approve of it, but focuses it on the weakness of the perpetrator rather than letting the victim remain feeling at fault.

Now, the therapy "could" teach the victim awareness about their own environment that would benefit them in the future and still leave the responsibility of wrong-doing fully where it belongs.

Accepting that some people will cheat in a relationship is not saying it's okay. It is also not saying those people are evil. It's saying be aware of actions and reactions, both by you and on you. See with an open eye.

 

[JustGeorge]

Accepting that some people will cheat in a relationship is not saying it's okay. It is also not saying those people are evil. It's saying be aware of actions and reactions, both by you and on you. See with an open eye.

THat's what I'm taking away from this conversation.

It's not necessarily okay, but the people that have done it aren't necessarily terrible people, either.

 

[Koldo]

Depends on what world you live in.

I don't think there's a right/wrong way to feel. If she/he helped @an anarchist work through the situation in which he's able to move on with life, I'd say it was a success.

I do agree that it would be inappropriate in that case.

Why would it be inappropriate in that case?
In the first quote here, you are judging the quality of the treatment by whether the person in question was able to move on. In my proposed scenario, the victim was also able to move on.

I suspect a different approach would be used in that case. I could be wrong.

However, I know from having a therapist, she worked in very different ways with different people, according to their needs, the situation, and mindset.

Which does not mean that every way chosen by a therapist is the right way.

 

[JustGeorge]

Why would it be inappropriate in that case?
In the first quote here, you are judging the quality of the treatment by whether the person in question was able to move on. In my proposed scenario, the victim was also able to move on.

I missed that the victim was able to move on. Sorry, a little distracted.

Which does not mean that every way chosen by a therapist is the right way.

Of course not. They're humans.

I just don't think the way in which @an anarchist was dealt with was a negative. Obviously, you're free to disagree.

 

[Koldo]

This line of therapy would be more likely applicable to a rape victim stuck on not having been able to protect themselves. "How did I let this happen?" "Why did I wear that outfit?" and so forth. The therapy puts the responsibility on the violator. It doesn't approve of it, but focuses it on the weakness of the perpetrator rather than letting the victim remain feeling at fault.

Now, the therapy "could" teach the victim awareness about their own environment that would benefit them in the future and still leave the responsibility of wrong-doing fully where it belongs.

Accepting that some people will cheat in a relationship is not saying it's okay. It is also not saying those people are evil. It's saying be aware of actions and reactions, both by you and on you. See with an open eye.

Thereby completely missing the point. You are not talking about the same thing I am talking about. I have noticed a particular trend along the time: When people in general read something that they happen to mostly agree, they tend to scrub away the parts they don't agree with without even noticing.

 

[Spice]

Thereby completely missing the point. You are not talking about the same thing I am talking about. I have noticed a particular trend along the time: When people in general read something that they happen to mostly agree, they tend to scrub away the parts they don't agree with without even noticing.

So please explain what I've missed. I see the therapist as having the mental health needs of the patient at the highest level. Therefore, the actual circumstances and the needs of the individual would dictate the approach a therapist would need to take.

In all likelihood this therapist would approach the same issue with you differently than with @an anarchist as your individual outcome needs are different.

 

[Koldo]

So please explain what I've missed. I see the therapist as having the mental health needs of the patient at the highest level. Therefore, the actual circumstances and the needs of the individual would dictate the approach a therapist would need to take.

In all likelihood this therapist would approach the same issue with you differently than with @an anarchist as your individual outcome needs are different.

And none of this justifies the approach taken by the therapist in question, which is what I have been talking about, that ended up with @an anarchist internalizing what he present in the OP:

"Therapist told me that it was a “me problem” and to simply get over it because the wifey actually and literally did nothing to me. She was missing an emotional need and was trying to fill it. And I’m mad? How unthoughtful and selfish."

That's not the right approach no matter who you are. You are not unthoughtful and selfish for feeling hurt and mad due to being cheated on. And accepting this labeling is bound to create problems down the road. The signs can be seen in the OP where cheating is being treated as fine.

 

[Spice]

And none of this justifies the approach taken by the therapist in question, which is what I have been talking about, that ended up with @an anarchist internalizing what he present in the OP:

"Therapist told me that it was a “me problem” and to simply get over it because the wifey actually and literally did nothing to me. She was missing an emotional need and was trying to fill it. And I’m mad? How unthoughtful and selfish."

That's not the right approach no matter who you are. You are not unthoughtful and selfish for feeling hurt and mad due to being cheated on. And accepting this labeling is bound to create problems down the road. The signs can be seen in the OP where cheating is being treated as fine.

It has to do with achieving separation in who one "is." I'm not very well schooled in Buddhism, but I believe the philosophical view of detachment is a foundation of psychological health as well as inner peace.

The law of detachment in Buddhism is a concept that involves letting go of attachments and allowing the universe to manifest what you desire. It's a central concept in Zen Buddhism and is also emphasized in the writings of Milarepa.

Here are some ways to practice detachment in Buddhism:

Meditation: Sit still and focus on the present moment, such as your breath, body, or surroundings.

Compassion: Show compassion for others and yourself.

Interdependence: Recognize your interdependence with others.

Acceptance: Accept yourself and others.

Expansiveness: Expand your awareness.

 

[Koldo]

It has to do with achieving separation in who one "is."

No, it doesn't.

 

[an anarchist]

Humans are naturally sexually jealous, especially males.

One can say humans are naturally murderous. It does not make it right.

Because men are typically jealous (whether this is natural or environmental) does not mean we should accept the behavior.

 

[an anarchist]

Okay, so you want chaos and women and children to be treated even worse

I don’t, actually.

 

[an anarchist]

I think your therapist really messed you up.

You didn’t answer the question, you just made a silly unfounded accusation which I don’t appreciate but oh well. Care to answer the question you quoted?

 

[Saint Frankenstein]

One can say humans are naturally murderous. It does not make it right.

Because men are typically jealous (whether this is natural or environmental) does not mean we should accept the behavior.

Human nature is human nature. It's not normal to want share your partner and accordingly, the vast majority of people don't want to. It's also about what is best for society and monogamy has proven to be the healthiest relationship model for society. Polygamy brings social chaos, a lowering of the status of women and more neglected children. There's also the issue of STDs and unwanted pregnancies. The more people added to the mix, the greater the chance of both occuring.

If it ain't broke, don't fix it. There's no compelling reason for society to stop expecting monogamy.

 

[an anarchist]

Polygamy brings social chaos

Okay you said you had some links let’s see em

 

[an anarchist]

Okay you said you had some links let’s see em

Or atleast elaborate a bit more? I see this

lowering of the status of women and more neglected children. There's also the issue of STDs and unwanted pregnancies. The more people added to the mix, the greater the chance of both occuring.

lemme ponder this a minute

 

[Saint Frankenstein]

Okay you said you had some links let’s see em

I'm not at home. You can also just Google it if you can't wait. That's how I find this stuff.

 

[an anarchist]

I'm not at home. You can also just Google it if you can't wait. That's how I find this stuff.

Nah I’ll wait if you end up feeling like posting some links later. You can always find supporting info for both sides of an argument on the internet, so id be bound to find info that supports my side I sure.