There is a scripture that states, "
You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart" (
Jeremiah 29:13). Well, I genuinely believed in God and sought him with all my heart for forty years, but I never found him. I did, however, find disappointment, sadness, and a constant feeling of hopelessness because I was left all alone to deal with the abuse, bullying, and harassment on my own while I was growing up. After forty years of looking for God, I finally realized that either he doesn't actually exist, or if he does, he obviously doesn't give a damn about me. I realized that if he exists, then he obviously doesn't give a damn that I suffered abuse while I was growing up or that I've dealt with PTSD because of the severe abuse, trauma, and constant bullying I suffered while growing up. I eventually learned how to deal with the PTSD on my own, and fortunately for me, my beloved husband has been supportive of me every step of the way for the past 30 and 1/2 years. It took me thirty years to realize that believing in God was an emotional crutch for me and a waste of my time. Sadly, I wasted the majority of my life believing in him, only to end up empty-handed, angry, and depressed. I finally found the courage to remove the rose-colored glasses and face my reality, which was that I had been ignorant and gullible to trust in God for so long and had mistakenly assumed he would be my heavenly father. I eventually learned how to care for myself and my family without feeling the need to rely on my faith in God.
I never felt inner peace in my life until after I renounced my belief in God and left Christianity. Have you ever heard of the expression "playing church?" That's exactly what I did. I went through the motions and pretended to experience God, as other Christians claimed they had, but I never did. I tried really hard to experience God, but I felt such hopelessness whenever I tried and failed. It took me a long time to admit that I had been pretending to experience God's presence in my life when I never genuinely did. I understood I had to be honest with myself and quit pretending. I realized that I was wasting my life by pretending to feel the presence of God in my life when he either doesn't really exist or, if he does, obviously doesn't give a damn about me. I did a lot of soul-searching and had to ask myself why I was so committed to clinging to the false hope that I had in believing in God. I came to the realization that believing in God was an emotional crutch for me. I also realized that if I was ever going to recover emotionally and change my life for the better, I needed to let go of this crutch. My mental health and emotional well-being have significantly improved as a result of letting it go. In retrospect, it was one of the best decisions I've ever made for my well-being. And while I don't regret my decision, I wish that I had made it years earlier so that I could have avoided decades of depression and emotional turmoil. Finally, for the last three and a half years, through my survivors of childhood abuse support group, I have offered support and encouragement to other former Christians or Christians on the verge of leaving Christianity. I can relate to what they're going through.