You know mickiel, you are the most sincere person I have ever met
The only thing that IMO you're missing, is that God created us with this nature of sinning, you may ask why? Well, the reason is simple, He loves when we repent .
You know there's this hadeeth which states ( meaning) that ALlah is more happy with the repentance of his slave, than a bedouin who lost his camel in the desert whith all his provisions, and he was so closeto death, and when he found he said out of hapiness:"Oh Allah you are my slave and I am your God " (i.e he was confused because he was so much happy)
I hope you can understand or try to understand this part of the human nature and life, that God created in us. You cannot imagine the beauty and happiness that occurs to the heart, when the slave admit his sins and cries until he cannot breath because of his weakness, seeking pardon of His merciful Lord. This is the most humble and beauty aspect of repentance that fills the heart with joy, and you can feel your heart so light and happy when you do that .
Dont think that Im preaching you orsomething, its just that its very painful to me to see you in this situation while there's an all merciful God who is only waiting for you to repent
, Im really sincere in what I say.
Best regards my friend