I guess I don't really understand how you could "feel unfathomably fortunate to be alive at all," and yet be okay if you were to simply cease to exist at some point and that you'd never again see those you love. I personally believe that you will never cease to exist and that when you die, your spirit simply leaves your body for a period of time but continues to exist as "you" -- a cognizant entity that is eternal. Since I also believe that God is infinitely loving, I suppose that if you were to find yourself still in existence after death, you may be able to bargain with Him for oblivion.
I kind of hope you change your mind, though, since I'd like to meet you at some point. :yes: