Is It Possible For Males and Females to Be Platonic Friends?

[Kathryn]

My husband appreciates good looking women. He's open in his admiration of good looks and good personalities, and really likes that particular combination (like most normal people would).

As I've stated before, he's an unabashed alpha male - and he's also a faithful and honest husband. Therefore, I believe him when he gives me insight into the way mens' brains work. We've had several conversations in the past about just this sort of thing.

He is skeptical of close male/female friendships. Not that he thinks men and women CAN'T be friends - of course they can. But he believes the dynamics are different, and there are possible complications which differ from same sex heterosexual relationships. He believes there can be some (often unintended) complications during times of intense emotional change, drama, stress, loneliness, etc.

I agree with that assessment. I don't think that many opposite sex friendships start out with one or both people intending to slip into an intimate relationship, but that is often the outcome, which is GREAT if you have no commitments elsewhere. The best long term intimate relationships are built on friendship, after all.

The problem is when you ARE committed elsewhere.

This is just my perspective and my opinion, built on my own experiences. I can't imagine having a male friend that I'm so close with, that we can curl up together and take a nap, that I'd call late at night when I'm lonely, or that I'd have drinks with without my husband around.

I CAN imagine women friends in that category. But I wouldn't even go to those levels of intimacy with THEM when my husband is home.

But then - my husband is my best friend, and I don't need a lot of close friends. I only have three or four close friends, including my husband. I don't let many people into my intimate space. And I'm not going to curl up with anyone to take a nap, or call anyone late at night, or spend hours over drinks with anyone that I'm not at an intimate level with.

The only man who gets to know me "deep inside" is my husband. My two or three close girlfriends know another, deeply female side of me that he will never understand - and frankly I don't think any man could understand.

I'm completely emotionally satisfied though, in my life, so I don't feel at all constrained.

I prefer to keep things uncomplicated emotionally. This modus operandum works well for me.

 

[Cassiopia]

I have many platonic friendships with men. Maybe some of them at some points have "lustful" thought about me. I am sure others are not attracted to me at all. And it is the same for me. I have several platonic male friends who I love dearly. There are some I find sexually attractive and some that I don't. What is the big deal?
I have enough control that I don't have to have sex every time the idea comes into my mind.
My platonic friends whether I fancy them or not are among the most precious things in my life and I pity anyone who is unable to have sincere, long term platonic friendships out of some kind of fear that one or other person may have sexual thoughts from time to time.

 

[Kathryn]

I pity anyone who is unable to have sincere, long term platonic friendships out of some kind of fear that one or other person may have sexual thoughts from time to time.

Yeah, I pity those people as well.

I'm not one of those people, though I AM one of those people who prefer to keep limit my very close emotional attachments to my husband and a small handful of women friends, for reasons I've already explained.

 

[9-10ths_Penguin]

I'm not a psychic, but I doubt that you've never thought lustfully about your more attractive female friends. But your testimony is your testimony. Assuming you like girls.

I didn't say that I'd never done it. In fact, through most of high school, I had decidedly non-platonic feelings for one of my female friends.

However, I have several good friends who are women, and who I realize are attractive, but who I don't have any romantic or sexual attraction to. They feel like sisters to me.

Are you going to tell us that you'd also want to have sex with your sister if not for religious commandments?

 

[dawny0826]

I've always liked having male friends. I was a rather quiet girl in my younger days but I kept company with a close knit group of friends, most of which were single guys. I dated one after a break up but it didn't last very long because the "friend zone" was so much more comfortable.

My first roomie was my closest male friend. I enjoyed our living arrangements because there wasn't any sexual tension - I felt safe - and we always had someone to hang with after work. I loved having access to a male's perspective on things, any time I wanted it and I was quite comfortable being myself around this person, because there weren't any expectations outside the auspices of friendship.

I agree with those who have mentioned the importance of good communication - especially if there's any sexual attraction with no intentions on either party of follow through.

 

[MissAlice]

That would be why I said "Desirable woman". Find an unattractive woman with lots of male friends and then talk.

LOL. I don't know whether to take this serious or not. I've seen women in their middle ages surrounded by guy friends. I don't see myself attractive at all but I'm going to assume that this is all subjective. My parents have had many friends of opposite sexes. I may not understand the male mind but I value friendships regardless of one's gender. There are some guys I feel I can talk to. I believe friendships are like that in general, people you can relate to on some level or another. Not everyone fits into these neat little gender roles and neither do friendships. You may have one friend who's good to talk to. You might have another who's more like an acquiantance you get along with well. And then there are those who you may have known since childhood. They are almost like your twin or family member.

There would be no reason. Maybe if she has a use I suppose like helping with homework or being a DD or is rich or something. Again, find an unattractive woman who has many male friends (who aren't just trying to get ugly-easy) and then you'll have a legitimate rebuttal.

I doubt you can speak for every man or woman but if that is your reason I can respect that.

 

[Penumbra]

Wow. I'm sorry, I just don't get it.

As a huge supporter of women's rights, and a believer in "the divine secrets of the ya ya sisterhood" I am always a bit bemused by women who claim to get along better with men than with other women.

To me, the only thing sweeter than the bond between women, is the bond between lovers. (And I realize that sometimes that's the same thing, but as a heterosexual, I haven't experienced that, so I'm not discussing lesbian relationships.)

But as I've said, to each his own.

I think a lot of it depends on context.

In college, where a big source of friend-making is fellow students, 90% of my class was male. It was electrical engineering, and that's just what the ratio was.

At work, where I spend 9 hours a day with co-workers, and also sometimes spend time with them outside of work, and therefore have developed fairly strong friendships with some of them, 80% of my coworkers are male.

Now, in college, my male to female friend ratio was not 9 to 1. I was friends with most of the other women in the major. The same thing is true for work. So percentage wise, I had a higher chance of becoming friends with a given female around me, than a given male. But due to the sheer number of males, the absolute number of male friends was higher than female ones. It has been like that pretty much since high school (previous to that, I think I had more girlfriends than guyfriends).

Plus, considering my hobbies included kickboxing and video games, I spent more time with a male crowd there too.

 

[Shermana]

I didn't say that I'd never done it. In fact, through most of high school, I had decidedly non-platonic feelings for one of my female friends.

However, I have several good friends who are women, and who I realize are attractive, but who I don't have any romantic or sexual attraction to. They feel like sisters to me.

Are you going to tell us that you'd also want to have sex with your sister if not for religious commandments?

Is the reason you have no romantic or sexual attraction to these women who you feel "like sisters" to because you know you have no chance so you suppress any lustful thought? I'm not a Psychic, but it baffles me how one would be able to not have any lustful feelings or thoughts for a (Sufficiently) attractive woman. Perhaps they aren't "attractive" enough to meet your fancy. Would you say the same if they were model-esque?

As for sisters and family, I believe the way we're made is to not desire our family members sexually (cousins excluded of whom make up 20% of all marriages) but to seek their protection from others, and those who do are generally more perverse than others as well as more desperate.

 

[9-10ths_Penguin]

Is the reason you have no romantic or sexual attraction to these women who you feel "like sisters" to because you know you have no chance so you suppress any lustful thought? I'm not a Psychic, but it baffles me how one would be able to not have any lustful feelings or thoughts for an attractive woman. Perhaps they aren't "attractive" enough to meet your fancy. Would you say the same if they were model-esque?

It's not a matter of suppression; with them, there are no lustful thoughts to suppress.

As for sisters and family, I believe the way we're made is to not desire our family members sexually (cousins excluded of whom make up 20% of all marriages) but to seek their protection from others, and those who do are generally more perverse than others as well as more desperate.

I don't have the hots for my female cousin, either. Maybe we're just wired differently.

Of course, I didn't have an upbringing where I was taught that, if not for religion, men would be sexually ravenous animals ready to mate with anything with a vagina. You may want to consider the possibility that you've been conditioned to think the way you apparently do.

 

[MysticSang'ha]

My husband has some really attractive female friends.

These friends are just friends because he likes to get to know a woman before indulging in any fantasy.

He got to know them, and thinks they aren't fantasy-worthy. But they certainly are friends and certainly are beautiful.

They're just not his type.

 

[Draka]

Wow, this is really starting to get ridiculous in here. You know, a few of my very best friends have been guys. My best friend for a large chunk of the time I lived in California was a guy. A straight guy mind you. We did everything together. We would hang out at my place playing video games or watching movies, we went to karaoke every weekend, and we'd hang out together on the flightline at work. There was never anything sexual or romantic between us. Ever. In fact, the only time we even so much as outright hugged in full embrace was when I was telling him goodbye and moving back to Iowa. Back here in Iowa, my ex-brother-in-law became one of my closest friends. He was there for me when I lost my daughters and he even stood up against his own brother when my ex started treating me like crap. We even maintained a friendship after my divorce. He was like a real brother to me instead of just an in-law. Again, nothing more between us.

The idea that men can't be truly platonic friends with a woman because they always want to "do" them is extremely insulting to men in general. Furthermore, even if a guy might be interested in a woman romantically or sexually at first, there is such a thing as just deciding to not pursue anything and let those ideas drop and just be friends out of respect and admiration of the woman. Sometimes friendships are better than intimate relationships. Sometimes the "intimate" part screws things up and people are better off as just friends.

Honestly, if a guy can't see that, if a guy thinks that men are inherently "dogs" all the time and need to rely on religion to keep themselves from trying to bang all women they come across, I'd say they are severely messed up and need therapy.

 

[Cassiopia]

it baffles me how one would be able to not have any lustful feelings or thoughts for a (Sufficiently) attractive woman. Perhaps they aren't "attractive" enough to meet your fancy. Would you say the same if they were model-esque?

What does it matter if people do occasionally have lustful or sexual thoughts about their friends of the opposite sex? I would say that is normal.
We don't have to act on them though or allow the fact that having perfectly normal sexual thoughts for people of the opposite sex should preclude us from having platonic friendships with them.
We are not automatons that are unable to act outside our programming. We have our own mind and we have self control.

 

[T-Dawg]

Platonic friendships with sexually attractive members of the opposite sex seem to be possible, but I can't imagine the circumstances in which they would take place. Sexual relations are more fun to do and have much less tension in most cases.

 

[Draka]

You know, just a point here, but as there seems to be plenty of women here saying they have or have had platonic friendships with guys, then for some people to say that guys can't be platonic friends with attractive women...they are basically saying that all the women here who have platonic guy friends...are unattractive. Thanks a lot. :sarcastic

 

[turk179]

Yeah, well that's the difference between Iowa and USA, baby.

Born in N.C., raised in N.Y., basic training in Texas, lived in Virginia, Florida and Iowa. Iowa is the first state that I haven't had a close female friend. Must be the corn.....

 

[839311]

This came up in another thread and I nearly answered it there but decided not derail the conversation.

Do you think males and females can be platonic friends? I think it is possible. I have had a lot of male friends that were platonic. They were great friends and I really enjoyed talking to them. In fact, I usually enjoyed talking to males as women tend to want to talk mostly about relationships and I wanted to talk about other things (I don't like talking relationships). Granted, there were women who would talk about something other than relationships and I enjoyed them as much. Some of them had girlfriends or wives, and they were not jealous (who would be jealous of me? LOL)

Sure, nothing wrong with that.

This should probably be in the philosophy section. Although, you could just as easily edit the OP to include some kind of religious twist. Maybe, add in a line that says, 'Do you think God, if he exists, would approve of platonic relationships?'.

 

[Kathryn]

I'm not saying it's wrong, or impossible, or even unlikely - I'm just saying that though I have and have had casual male friends, I've never had a CLOSE male friend without the sexuality issue coming into play over time. Not necessarily immediately, and not necessarily persistent, but it sure complicated things.

I take that back - I do have one close male friend who is also married. We even traveled together for business several times. But neither of us felt like it would be respectful to our spouses for us to spend time in each others' hotel rooms or go out drinking together. We absolutely drew the line at any serious level of flirting - without ever even having any sort of discussion about it.

He is still a good friend of mine and knows me better than nearly everyone in my life, excluding my husband, my best girl friend, and maybe my parents.

But in my experience, that sort of relationship is very rare.

 

[turk179]

Shermana, I am going to guess that you are between the ages of 16 and 20. At that age it's easy to understand your dismal view of men because boys your age are walking hormones. As you mature, this will get better. Now do you honestly believe that the only thing stopping me from having sex with my attractive female friends was religion? I believe religion is a fairy tale. Try again.

 

[Songbird]

Shermana, I am going to guess that you are between the ages of 16 and 20. At that age it's easy to understand your dismal view of men because boys your age are walking hormones. As you mature, this will get better. Now do you honestly believe that the only thing stopping me from having sex with my attractive female friends was religion? I believe religion is a fairy tale. Try again.

I was considering posting a very similar comment. Usually this sentiment comes from very young men or boys.

And the religion comment - a major study found that atheists have one of the lowest divorce rates compared to those of various religious beliefs.

U.S. divorce rates: for various faith groups, age groups and geographical areas

I don't know affair rates for people of different beliefs, but based on that stat, it would follow that atheists probably have lower affair rates too.

 

[Cassiopia]

I'm not saying it's wrong, or impossible, or even unlikely - I'm just saying that though I have and have had casual male friends, I've never had a CLOSE male friend without the sexuality issue coming into play over time. Not necessarily immediately, and not necessarily persistent, but it sure complicated things.

.

Why do you think it complicates things?
And is complication always a bad thing?