Augustus
…
You see, if we really believed in G-d, we wouldn't do all that. Instead we'd believe in Muhammad and eat lobster and not corrupt our Torah to make it say that we need to do all those other things.
Can just imagine the ancient Jews waiting with baited breath for the scribes to come back with their latest corruption of God's word.
"Ooh, I hope they legalise fornication this time, I've got my eye on one of Avram's daughters"
"I hope it's theft they legalise. I've been coveting my neighbour's ox for a moon's turn"
*scribes return*
"Right chaps, this time we've decided to corrupt the word of God in a way that bans you from eating cheeseburgers. That is all."
"Awww, scriiiibes... booooo"