Then as we got closer to the actual day, he stared to hem and haw about it. After some discussion it comes out that he is afraid people will laugh at him. I pointed out that some people will because it is a cute and clever costume. He insists their laughter would be of the ‘making fun’ kind. I blow it off. Seriously, who would make fun of a child in costume?
And then the big day arrives. We get dressed up. We drop Squirt at his preschool and head over to his. Boo doesn’t want to get out of the car. He’s afraid of what people will say and do to him. I convince him to go inside. He halts at the door. He’s visibly nervous. I chalk it up to him being a bit of a worrier in general. Seriously, WHO WOULD MAKE FUN OF A CHILD IN A COSTUME ON HALLOWEEN? So he walks in. And there were several friends of mine that knew what he was wearing that smiled and waved and gave him high-fives. We walk down the hall to where his classroom is.
And that’s where things went wrong. Two mothers went wide-eyed and made faces as if they smelled decomp. And I realize that my son is seeing the same thing I am. So I say, “Doesn’t he look great?” And Mom A says in disgust, “Did he ask to be that?!” I say that he sure did as Halloween is the time of year that you can be whatever it is that you want to be. They continue with their nosy, probing questions as to how that was an option and didn’t I try to talk him out of it. Mom B mostly just stood there in shock and dismay.
And then Mom C approaches. She had been in the main room, saw us walk in, and followed us down the hall to let me know her thoughts. And they were that I should never have ‘allowed’ this and thank God it wasn’t next year when he was in Kindergarten since I would have had to put my foot down and ‘forbidden’ it. To which I calmly replied that I would do no such thing and couldn’t imagine what she was talking about. She continued on and on about how mean children could be and how he would be ridiculed.
My response to that: The only people that seem to have a problem with it is their mothers.
Another mom pointed out that high schools often have Spirit Days where girls dress like boys and vice versa. I mentioned Powderpuff Games where football players dress like cheerleaders and vice versa. Or every frat boy ever in college (Mom A said that her husband was a frat boy and NEVER dressed like a woman.)
But here’s the point, it is none of your damn business.
If you think that me allowing my son to be a female character for Halloween is somehow going to ‘make’ him gay then you are an idiot. Firstly, what a ridiculous concept. Secondly, if my son is gay, OK. I will love him no less. Thirdly, I am not worried that your son will grow up to be an actual ninja so back off.
First -the 5-year-old kid's decision to dress as a female character didn't necessarily have anything to do with his own sexual identity or orientation -and most probably did not. From what we're told, and from what can be known about sexual identity and orientation of 5-year-olds, the kid most likely simply wanted to dress as a character he liked. Much of the rest was most likely projected by others. We're so concerned -even obsessed -with gender issues these days that we don't stop to think that a 5-year-old really is not! He's just being a kid. People need to be careful not to burden children with issues and concepts which they are not actually thinking about and which really do not apply -and adding to their frustration and confusion in an attempt to make them "free to do what they want"! (Which usually ends up being what the parent thinks they should do!)
I (a male-now 41) portrayed a female in a school production (Catholic school, even) -long after the age of 5. I was given an assignment to somehow explain the Andromeda Galaxy. I didn't have to dress as the Greek princess after whom the galaxy was named as I explained it -but I did. Even at an age far beyond 5, it had absolutely nothing to do with my sexuality WHATSOEVER! I had no desire to cross-dress, except for this production, and only in order to complete the assignment. I was way-too-into girls at the time, too. I can still remember the girls names on whom I had major crushes! It ended up being freekin' hilarious!
"he stared to hem and haw about it. After some discussion it comes out that he is afraid people will laugh at him. I pointed out that some people will because it is a cute and clever costume. He insists their laughter would be of the ‘making fun’ kind. I blow it off. "
I'm not judging -but that's just a lie. Might as well be honest and tell the kid that he's right -most people will be laughing at him -even "making fun of" him because he's a guy dressed as a girl. This allows him to make his own informed decision. Parents are often busy, however, and don't often have the luxury of thinking about what they'll say for very long. Still -we know far more than our children, and we need to honestly inform them of the potential consequences of their decisions without discouraging them -in a way they can understand, and on a level which will not overwhelm them.
Seriously, who would make fun of a child in costume?
Seriously? Where did you grow up? I'm from planet Earth -where lots of people do that. I'm not saying it's right, but I can't understand the surprise.
Boo doesn’t want to get out of the car. He’s afraid of what people will say and do to him. I convince him to go inside. He halts at the door. He’s visibly nervous. I chalk it up to him being a bit of a worrier in general. Seriously, WHO WOULD MAKE FUN OF A CHILD IN A COSTUME ON HALLOWEEN? So he walks in.
We may not have the whole conversation here, but... if dressing that way was his decision in the first place -going in or not should also be completely his decision. Rather than being "convinced" to do what he obviously now does not want to do, he should be encouraged to choose as he wants. He should have the freedom to change his mind -for whatever reason. Even if he chose not to go in because he was afraid of what people would do and say, that IS a valid reason. It is good to stand up for what you believe, but, at this point, it may have been the parent taking over -convincing the child to stand for something which may not have applied -and which he did not fully understand. A better option at this point would probably have been to tell the child it was his decision in the first place -and that it was up to him whether or not he went in -and maybe asked if there was something else he wanted to do. People making fun of him is wrong, but if he was not prepared to deal with it, it could have very adverse effects. Especially with kids, it's ok to avoid too much attention and drama! It can easily get in the way of him becoming who he wants to be!
Even if the child wanted to make a statement (doubtful), he may not have been prepared to make it that day. Parents have a lot of influence over their children -even to convince them to do things they really do not want to do -or for which they are not prepared. They may also read much into their child's behavior which is not actually the case. This can lead to them dealing not with their child, but with whom they believe their child to be.
I have certain religious beliefs regarding gender, but if I were one of the people there, I would not make the kid feel more uncomfortable -or even the mother. I probably wouldn't have made it an issue either way. Most likely would have just said hello. If the parent asked what I thought of the costume, I probably would have said something to the affect that it was very creative or interesting. If she asked what I thought of what led up to that point, I would have told her the above. If they asked about my religious beliefs concerning gender, I would have explained them. I woud have handled it differently from the moment the child picked out the costume, given the opportunity, if it were my child, but it wasn't. People we don't agree with have kids -nothin' we can do about it (unless they're in REAL danger). If we think we know better, the best thing we can do is to be the best examples of that as possible.
We used to worry about kids growing up too fast -now we are freaking out about their genders when they barely realize they have a gender -or what it's all about!
